Not too sunburnt

On Sunday there was a whole lot of boat-going in the RS household. Chief among these was a visit aboard the USS James E. Williams (DDG-95), courtesy of Fleet Week. The USS James E. Williams is a member of Destroyer Squadron 26, which also included the destroyer USS Winston S. Churchill (DDG-81). As a courtesy to her namesake country, a member of the Royal Navy is assigned to the ship's crew at all times. Isn't that awesome? And it's not like they've got a limey manning the stoves either- for two years the navigator was Lieutenant Angus Essenhigh, RN, of Portsmouth, England. I'm not going to even mention the awesomeness of having someone on your boat with the name of "Angus."

I seem to be getting off topic, eh? The Williams' official page is rather sparse. While it looks about the same as most other ship's pages, that is to say amateurish, there's really very little info available on it. Contrast that to the Churchill, which has all sorts of goodies, including a link to the ship's official newsletter. Not that I'm saying anything, but they could use a few tips from Gan Izzy in the humor department. Still, a boring newsletter is better than no newsletter, right?

The apparent reason for the Williams' lack of information is that there was recently a bit of an issue on the ship. I hope they sort it out quickly, because, well, why not? It's our tax (China's, really) dollars at work here, and we expect every man to do his duty. We do not expect the following:



Though I suppose it's fair to say that shtuff happens.

3000 years is a long time

The following is an exchange which has recently occurred on frumsatire.net between yours truly and someone named Aviva Larev. Admittedly, it's not much of an exchange at the moment, but I'm certainly hoping for some feedback.

Aviva Larev May 7, 2010 at 12:21 AM

TRS, that same old argument is dumb. Because 3000 years ago and continuing people were ignorant, racist, cruel and evil. THANK GOD for change, would you rather all Christians still murder Jews because that was their “tradition” for so many thousands of years!? Jeez what backwards logic. “Doesn’t matter if its real, matters that its old” Yea so if we found out some TRUTH say, some revelation that proves some of these pointless rules are garbage you wouldn’t want to change it then?! I really LOVE how so many Jews get stuck on the (seriously) dumbest littlethings and seem to forget the ENTIRE idea behind it. Tradition means nothing if all it does is perpetrate ignorance. No effing thanks.

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TRS May 7, 2010, at 11:15 AM

Wow, what a blast from the past, eh? When is this post originally, from, January 26, 2009? That's nearly a year and a half ago! Remarkable. Anyway, to respond to your harsh accusation... Of course, I'm not entirely sure to what you are referring, because my last comment on this particular forum was so many moons ago, but I seem to get the general gist of your argument. It appears (to me at least) that you are saying something along the lines of, "The times they are a'changing, get with the program."

Obviously, everyone is entitled to do whatever they want to do. I can go on Mivtzoyim and try to get you to light Shabbos candles, but if you're not interested, you're not interested. If you think that the divine pronouncement from Sinai was not eternal, then good for you. Hey, if you don't think there ever was a divine pronouncement from Sinai, then good for you too. We can deal with that.

What you say, "Change we can believe in," is certainly a wonderful thing, but it doesn't quite solve any of your problems. Evidently, you don't like that Judaism is based on a 3000 year old tradition. Evidently you believe that Judaism should be something different. Or else you don't think there should be any Judaism. Holding these opinions is certainly your right, but coupled with your apparent intention, to reform Judaism, they make no sense.

Judaism is nothing without the Torah. I think we can all agree this point. In other words, without the Torah, there is no Judaism. I think we can all agree this point. Changing Judaism means changing Torah. Changing Torah means changing Judaism. Are you still with me here? Excellent.

You say something about Christians still slaughtering Jews. In my mind, there is no problem with this- if Christians believe that killing Jews is what JC would have wanted, then good for them. Evidently they don't have this belief anymore, which is, I suppose, a good thing for the Jews. Obviously, the Christian belief system is not eternal (for more on this topic, see here: http://atheistplanet.blogspot.com/search/label/Stephen%20Fry ). Which is fine. It's the Christian's religion, let them practice it however they see fit.

You may not, and again I repeat, you may not use the same logic regarding Judaism. Judaism is very different from Christianity. Even if it were not very different at all, there would still be the fundamental difference, that of the revelation at Sinai. Those who practice Judaism must base their religion on this revelation. Whether they are Sephardi or Ashkenazi, Chassidic or Misnagdic, they're practices and beliefs are solely based on the Torah as it was presented at Sinai 3000 years ago. They may not do everything, they may not even believe in everything, but if they question the validity of something vis a vis it's being part of the tradition, and they can't prove it, then they are beyond the pale. I can accept that bullet proof stockings are not mandated by the Torah. I can not accept that the Torah does not proscribe homosexuality.

Does this make us a mean religion? Possibly. Probably. But I'm not sure what you'd like us to do about it. Shall we change certain parts of our religion based on the prevailing mores? Shall we change inconvenient laws we do based on the latest fads? If you want to do this, kol hakavod, but it's not orthodox Judaism. So again, I'm not sure what you'd like us to do about this.

Moving along in your argument, you state something along the lines of, "If there's new truth, will you change what you've been doing?" Obviously, there will be no new truth. There was only one revelation at Sinai. When Moshiach comes our understanding of the revelation will be infinitely greater than it currently is, but it will still be the same revelation. So no, I don't think we have to plan for the contingency of a possible "new truth". In general, that seems to be an oxymoron, doesn't it? If something is true, it is always true. Just saying.

Next, we have the charge that Jews get "stuck" on the "dumbest little things" while ignoring "the entire idea behind it." I would be the first to agree that Judaism does appear to be OCD about everything. This is not, of course, a bad thing. I'm not sure that I'd characterize homosexuality as a "dumb little thing," however- after all, if G-d saw fit to prohibit it, then it's probably not a "dumb little thing" but a very major intelligent thing. We are not G-d, and presumably he knows what he's talking about.

Your final point is that traditional Judaism perpetrates (I assume you meant, "perpetuates") ignorance. I wonder what you mean by this. Do you mean that traditional Jews are ignorant? Knowing, as I do, many hundreds of traditional Jews, I find this hard to believe. If we choose not to cover ourselves in the slime of current culture, why, that is hardly ignorance, it is nobility. The fact that we choose to spend our time in the depths of the Talmud and not in the depths of the current moral depravity is hardly ignorance.

Still included

The following was written two years ago, and it's quite pertinent, and anyway, the original only got two comments, so...

Today, like all days, is a very special day. Exactly 20 years ago the Lubavitcher Rebbe finished saying Kaddish for his wife, the Rebbitzen. And the Chasidish Bochurim in LA finally got some sleep. See, the Rebbe's Davening would be played in the Zal for all those Bochurim who wanted to hear it. In New York, it wasn't so tough. After all, the Rebbe would begin prayers at 10:00. Yes, I understand that there was a whole goral thing going on for admittance, but even if you didn't luck out, you could still listen without too much effort. Rabbi Wolfman in Morristown told us of his days in Yeshiva, in Morristown, that he had a room mate who would Daven Shacharis, in the room, while the Rebbe was Davening Mincha, which was played over the PA in the whole campus. Later this guy became an Elokist. That's why I'm not mentioning any names. Rabbi Wolfman theorized that he went crazy because he would be Davening to G-d, hearing the Rebbe, and mix up the two. But that's just a theory. Anyway, back to those brave Bochurim in LA, so yeah, they had to be in Zal at 7:00 AM. And to hear the Rebbe Davening without going to Mikve first? Horrors. By the way, I wasn't in LA in those years. More's the pity. I was a mere tyke of two. Anyway, once the Rebbe finished up the year, those Bochurim, like CCL, could get some more sleep.

Speaking of sleep, last night I didn't get enough. But what of it? The really annoying thing was that I was falling asleep for Korbanos through the 18 Benedictions, but once I got to Tachanun I was fine. It's annoying because 1. I wouldn't have Davened the beginning so quickly,and 2. Now even if I tried I wouldn't be able to sleep.

The reason I didn't get enough sleep is because last night I picked up a book called, "The Cantonists." It's one of the most terrible things I've ever read, especially contrasted with this week's Parsha. Both featured horrible Goyim, which is something I've come to expect. The abuse that these (literally) babies went through is more than I can comprehend. Most of us would collapse after two or three birch canings. These guys took 1000 and kept their faith. But yeah, as I said, I've come to expect this kind of treatment from Goyim. After all, as the holy books say Eisav Sonei Yisrael. What's really disturbing is what the Jews did. In Egypt, the taskmasters would let themselves be beaten so as to avoid whipping their fellow Jews. In Russia, many Jews made a business of capturing children. The official community establishment itself would help these people commit their nefarious crimes. I don't have the patience to describe all the horrors that occurred in that generation, so get the book yourselves. It's important for us to know why we have to hate the whole world. Or something like that.

The Jew

Background: The following essay was published in Der Angriff, 21 January 1929. Goebbels founded the newspaper in Berlin in 1927 shortly after taking over as the party's leader there. This article is a typical attack on the Jews.

The source: "Der Jude," Der Angriff. Aufsätze aus der Kampfzeit (Munich: Zentralverlag der NSDAP., 1935), pp. 322-324.

The Jew

by Joseph Goebbels

Everything is discussed openly in Germany, and every German claims the right to have an opinion on any and all questions. One is Catholic, the other Protestant, one an employee, the other an employer, a capitalist, a socialist, a democrat, an aristocrat. There is nothing dishonorable about choosing one side or the other of a question. Discussions happen in public, and where matters are unclear or confused one settles it by argument and counter argument. But there is one problem that is not discussed publicly, one that it is delicate even to mention: the Jewish question. It is taboo in our republic.

The Jew is immunized against all dangers: one may call him a scoundrel, parasite, swindler, profiteer, it all runs off him like water off a raincoat. But call him a Jew and you will be astonished at how he recoils, how injured he is, how he suddenly shrinks back: "I've been found out."

One cannot defend himself against the Jew. He attacks with lightning speed from his position of safety and uses his abilities to crush any attempt at defense.

Quickly he turns the attacker's charges back on him, and the attacker becomes the liar, the troublemaker, the terrorist. Nothing could be more mistaken than to defend oneself. That is just what the Jew wants. He can invent a new lie every day for the enemy to respond to, and the result is that the enemy spends so much time defending himself that he has no time to do what the Jew really fears: to attack. The accused has become the accuser, and loudly he shoves the accuser into the dock. So it always was in the past when a person or a movement fought the Jew. That is what would happen to us as well were we not fully aware of his nature, and if we lacked the courage to draw the following radical conclusions:

1. One cannot fight the Jew by positive means. He is a negative, and this negative must be erased from the German system, or he will forever corrupt it.

2. One cannot discuss the Jewish question with the Jews. One can hardly prove to a person that one has the duty to render him harmless.

3. One cannot allow the Jew the same means one would give an honest opponent, for he is no honorable opponent. He will use generosity and nobility only to trap his enemy.

4. The Jew has nothing to say about German questions. He is a foreigner, an alien, who only enjoys the rights of a guest, rights that he always abuses.

5. The so-called religious morality of the Jews is no morality at all, rather an encouragement to betrayal. Therefore, they have no claim to protection from the state.

6. The Jew is not smarter than we are, rather only cleverer and craftier. His system cannot be defeated economically — he follows entirely different moral principles than we do. It can only be broken through political means.

7. A Jew cannot insult a German. Jewish slanders are but badges of honor for a German opponent of the Jews.

8. The more a German person or a German movement opposes the Jew, the more valuable it is. If someone is attacked by the Jews, that is a sure sign of his virtue. He who is not persecuted by the Jews, or who is praised by them, is useless and dangerous.

9. The Jew evaluates German questions from the Jewish standpoint. As a result, the opposite of what he says must be true.

10. One must either affirm or reject anti-Semitism. He who defends the Jews harms his own people. One can only be a Jewish lackey or a Jewish opponent. Opposing the Jews is a matter of personal hygiene.

These principles give the anti-Jewish movement a chance of success. Only such a movement will be taken seriously by the Jews, only such a movement will be feared by them.

The fact that he shouts and complains about such a movement therefore is only a sign that it is right. We are therefore delighted that we are constantly attacked in the Jewish gazettes. They may shout about terror. We answer with Mussolini's familiar words: "Terror? Never! It is social hygiene. We take these individuals out of circulation just as a doctor does to a bacterium.



Page copyright © 1997 by Randall Bytwerk.
http://www.calvin.edu/academic/cas/gpa/angrif03.htm

Esau don't like us

I heard a story from an older Russian Doctoress, Tzilia Lotman this Sukkos which interested me. Many years ago, there was a cruise ship which was renovated by the USSR. They decided to take it on a tour of the Western world, to show how advanced the Soviets were. 50 members of the Russian "intelligentsia" were selected to come on the cruise, along with 40 members each of the other 14 Soviet republics. Dr. Lottman, a university professor, was also invited, the only Jew to be so honored.

So there they all were, going on a tour of the Mediterranean, stopping for a week or two in each port and engaging with the local literati. One day in Naples it was discovered that one of their number had defected to Italy. Immediately of course they were rounded up, but it was difficult, because they were spread throughout the city. Dr. Lotman was one of two people missing when she came back to the ship, and she was greeted with thunderous applause. She wanted to say something, but she was too choked up to be able to get anything out, so she just got onto the ship. A KGB officer who was part of the security detail, and a friend of hers, came up to her later and told her that the guy who had defected was found in Rome and was "being taken care of".

Dr. Lotman said, "It was only then that I truly realized that I needed to leave the Soviet Union. Over six hundred people on that boat, and who did they all assume was the one who defected? The lone Jew. That's why they all cheered, because they were so surprised that I came back. Only then did I realize that they truly hate us, that no matter what we do..."

"What regiment is this?" " First Minnesota," replied Colvill. " Charge those lines!"

In the summer of '03 TRS and LdT took several trips, including to Gettysburg. Above is TRS pictured with the monument to the 1st Minnesota Volunteer Infantry which was the first state volunteer regiment formally tendered to the Federal government under Abraham Lincoln's call for 300,000 troops in 1861. They also played a pivotal role in the battle at Gettysburg, as detailed here, with an 83 percent casualty rate, which stands to this day as the largest loss by any surviving military unit in American history during any single engagement.
Here we see TRS' back. But you had probably guessed that by now.
As you can see, I'm wearing a t-shirt from EAA AirVenture 2003, which LdT, Josh Hoffman, Ira, and I had attended earlier that summer in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. On my head is a South African rugby hat.
I look like a linebacker in this one!
And last but not least, here's me wearing my Buffalo Bill t-shirt holding Aloysius!
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In other news, if I was a Vikings fan, then (z×y)²=

American Involvement in Australia During WWII

American Involvement in Australia During WWII

March 14, 2003

War started in Australia on September 1, 1939, with the British declaring war on Germany. As Australia was bound up with England in the British Commonwealth along with countries such as Canada, New Zealand, and South Africa, they were officially at war. The Australian homeland, however, did not fully mobilize for war until December 7, 1941, when the Japanese launched a surprise attack on the Unites State’s fleet based in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. Soon after, the Australian port city of Darwin was attacked by planes of the Japanese empire, precipitating their active involvement in the hostilities which had overtaken the rest of the world. The Australians and the US would forge a strong partnership, both militarily and culturally, as the war progressed.

As the war continued, the Australian government shifted from a subservient vassal state of England, and transferred its allegiance to the United States. After the war, it set out on its own course, and tried to assert its identity in the new, post war world. For a country with a prewar population of just over 700,000, the war was traumatic. Over 10,000 woman left with American servicemen, one million of whom eventually passed through the country. The change was not easy, as evidenced by the riots known as The Battle of Brisbane, which resulted in the death of one and the wounding of several. Americans were loud, drank too much, partied too much, and were over-sexed, according to the Australians. Many resented the intrusion, but were powerless to prevent it.

Americans changed the Australian culture, bringing more “American Style Life” to the continent than war materials. Before the war, the British had dominated Australia, economically as well as culturally. Australians imported various forms of American music, prior to the war, but jazz, swing, jive, and the blues only flourished when the Americans came. Nightclubs popped up everywhere the troops did, along with many women, who hoped for a better life with the servicemen. Hollywood continued to dominate the film industry, but its hold on the entertainment industry began to falter as the Australians began to take control of their own movie making. During the late 1930s, attendance at sporting events and theater rose dramatically, as people tried to enjoy life as much as they could before the impending war struck. Americans introduced baseball to the land down under, though it did not stick as most preferred cricket, soccer, and the homegrown “Australian Rules Football.” In addition to their culture, Americans brought nylon stockings, as well as the first serial killer in Australia, a US serviceman in Melbourne.

American goods poured into Australia, and one man came who would be just as important to the war, and Australia, as the war material. His name was General Douglas MacArthur. As the commander of all the troops in the SWPA (South West Pacific Area), he often appeared to locals to have more control over their country than Prime Minister John Curtin. MacArthur’s brash style made him popular with his troops, and his brilliant delaying techniques in the Philippines made Australians happy to have him, even if they considered it be a dubious honor.

MacArthur, born in 1880 to an aristocratic family, entered West Point, the US Military Academy, in 1899. He came to Australia in 1942, and set up the SWPA. Earlier, the US, Great Britain, Holland, and Australia had established the ABDA (American-British-Dutch-Australian) joint command in December 1941. The organization proved to be unwieldy, and was disbanded on February 25, 1942. When MacArthur took over, he assumed control over all Australian forces, including the air force, army, merchant marine, and the navy over which he had control with Admiral Nimitz. MacArthur planned his island-hopping campaign from the relatively safe city of Brisbane. He had virtual control over the wartime government, and Australians commanders were forced to listen to him, except when his war-planners put their troops in excessive risk. Even then, they only had the right of appeal to their government, though nothing was guaranteed.

The SWPA was comprised of the 6th and 7th Australian divisions, together with the 41st and 32nd US divisions. The RAAF (Royal Australian Air Force) relied upon American aircraft, and earned 23 United States Awards. With most of Australia’s merchant marine devastated by German and Japanese submarines, General MacArthur had to rely on Liberty Ships, crewed by Americans, to transport his men and material. The Air Observer Corps kept track of US fighter, bomber, and transport aircraft. On Jan 15, 1942, ATC (Air Transport Command) aircraft began to fly the 7800 mile route from the west coast to Australia. This enabled the US to bring in much needed supplies in days, instead of the weeks that it took on ships.

Nimitz used Australian ships in the Battle of Coral Sea, and they provided support for American landings in the Philippines, the Solomons, Guadacanal, and New Britain. Australian planes provided top cover for landings at Hollandia, Wadke, and Biak, and mined the ports in Guadacanal, using US made Catalinas. RAAF Mobile Works Units deployed with US troops when they landed at Aitape, and they built an airfield there in just 42 hours, a full day ahead of the schedule set by American planners. Aging Brewster Buffaloes were used in the Malaysian campaign. The RAAF used B-24 Liberators, Vengeance dive bombers, P-40 Kittyhawks, and A-20 Bostons in their fight against the Japanese. Australian airlines also flew American planes, including the Lockheed Electra, Lodestar, and 14, along with the popular workhorse of the war, the Douglas DC-3 Dakota. ANA (Australian National Airlines) used sixteen planes on loan from the United States Army.

After the Japanese took control of the island of Timor in early 1942, Australian troops were landed to help the locals fight a commando war against the invaders. In 1943, the commandos were forced to pull out, and made their escape on the American submarine Gudgeon. On Portuguese Timor, US made Hudson bombers supplied commandos, and bombed the town of Dili, and as well as other targets, in order to help the Australians disrupt Japanese lines of communication, and generally harass the conquerors.

Australian production of aircraft began in 1936 when the Air Board Technical Commission toured the United States, and acquired a license to build the NA-16, from North American. From this plane, the CAC (Commonwealth Aircraft Corporation) developed the Wirraway, which they used disastrously as a fighter against the Japanese. The NA-16 has been designed as a trainer, and was no match for the speedy Zeros which the Japanese sent to combat the slow and ungainly Wirraways. Later in the war, the CAC licensed the P-51 Mustang, also from North American, and built 18 out of the 350 ordered. Testing began in May of 1945, but by then the war was nearly over, and the order was canceled.

Australian built DeHavilland Mosquitoes used Packard built Merlin engines, while Pratt and Whitney licensed the Wasp and Twin Wasp engines to the Commonwealth Aircraft Corporation, which built all 680 and 870 ordered, respectively. Several other American-made engines were tested and ordered, but the war’s close precluded their being built.

The war proved to be a two way street, with American troops using Australia as a base, and more importantly, as a surrogate home. The Australian government relied on American aid to help it defend itself from the Japanese. Since the war, the two countries have been allied in Korea, Vietnam, the Gulf War, and elsewhere.

In conclusion, the war provided a jump start to US-Australian relations, and let them grow to understand each other, if not love each other. Americans came in, prepared to take over, but left impressed by Australian courage. The Australian government weaned itself from the British, and came into its own on the world stage.


Bibliography

Dear, I.C.B. ed. The Oxford Companion to World War II. Oxford: Oxford UP, 1995.

Rigge, Simon. War in the Outposts. Chicago: Time Life, 1980.

Taylor, Michael J.H. ed. Jane’s Encyclopedia of Aviation. New York: Random, 1993.

Jane’ s Fighting Aircraft of World War II. London: Random, 2001.

Secret journeys of menessness

It's been more than a week since I last blogged properly. So much has happened in that time, and of course I'm not at liberty to disclose most of the excitement (the CIA made me sign a nondisclosure agreement). Still, Leon Panetta knew that I was a blogger when he asked me to do some work for the company, and I'd be remiss if I didn't share some of the exciting adventures that occurred to me in the last few days. It's your choice whether you want to believe them or not, but let's just say that Michael Jackson's death sure was mysterious, eh?
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It all began last Friday morning, when I received a phone call from the CIA asking me to take part in a classified mission. I didn't find out that the call was from the CIA until later, because I didn't recognize the number and why should I pick up the phone if I don't know who is calling me? Anyway, I figured that they'd leave a message if it was really important, and then I'd call them back. They did in fact leave a message, but I didn't pick it up on Friday morning because there were seven messages preceding it, and I wasn't interested in listening to all of them.

That Saturday night I picked up the message, and recognizing the importance of the call immediately resolved to phone them back. I finished my delicious mustard+mozzarella tostino (thanks sister!), had a quick drink, and dialed the phone number. Within minutes I was preparing my kit for what would prove to be one of the most dangerous and thrilling adventures ever experienced by man or woman. I asked what I should tell my faithful readers, who would of course be wondering where I was and what I was doing. My handlers told me to tell everyone that I was on vacation, and helpfully provided the following picture to demonstrate:
Of course, I was really far away doing exciting things. I left for my secret destination at just past midnight, and arrived a couple hours later, disgusted with the talk radio I was exposed to on the way. Look, I'm all for Solomon Dwek ad nauseum as the rest of you, but why oh why do stupid people have to call in to offer their stupid opinions as well? My new policy is that anyone who calls a talk radio show (and a Jewish one for that matter!) must be a couple french fries short of even the most desultorily depressing meals. So that was that.

So there I was, in the most foreign of countries, awaiting further instruction and eating some ginger crunch. When the call finally came I was ready, and I immediately moved into position behind enemy lines. The lodgings I had stayed in when I first arrived were at once rejected by the firm as being far too opulent for the image they wanted me to maintain, and so I was thrust from a life of comparative pleasure for one of much suffering and great distress: the mattress sagged terribly in the middle. Being a professional often requires one to make these sorts of sacrifices, and the additional factor of its being for my country somewhat mitigated the circumstances surrounding this most disastrous (for my back) development, but even this did not prepare me for the crowning misery that was to be my constant companion in that most foreign of countries: a significant lack of wireless internet. No longer would I be able to indulge in the pleasure that is the largely-ceremonial checking of the email or the mostly-menial drudgery that is the the updating of the blog. Still, as I wrote previously (read a few sentences above if you've forgotten already), I was doing this for King and Country, and knew that I need not fear, for the other King was near.

What exactly did my super-secret mission entail? If I told you that I'd have to shoot you-seriously, what did you expect? The mission was super-secret! All right, I understand, you're dying for a little enlightenment. Basically, the CIA really really really wanted me to do some shtuff here, take care of some of these people, and generally make mayhem appear in the mountains and run down like a righteous stream spreading democracy and other forms of goodness for all men and women under the sun. Oh yeah, they also wanted me to locate Porter J. Gross' lost dry-cleaning, but I didn't have much success in that endeavor.

On Wednesday a secret CIA spy plane dropped me off at the New Jersey Transit station in Morristown, New Jersey, and I waited forty five minutes for a train. I had run out of provisions the previous night, and was therefore subsisting entirely on earth, wind, air, and fire. When the train arrived I boarded (could a more natural progression be affected?), carrying with me a portmanteau filled with quite valuable products that also happened to way more than your average pet parakeet's panoply of potpourri. A few minutes into our journey produced a stoppage of unusual duration at a train station, followed by the news that a tree had fallen down and blocked the path we were to take to the terminus of our journey's purpose and self-same existent purpose, and we commenced to continue our waiting for a time in the future when all branches would be cleared and we could once again commence to continue our self-same journey in the all the comfort provided by useless redundancies and the Comet V. So that was what, forty minutes? Yeah.

Remember, in a few short hours from then I'd be beginning one of the 25 hour fasts Judaism is famous for, and I was still without victuals. Shortly after making it past Short Hills the power went off, and wild jubilation sprung forth. Correction: there was no longer any air conditioning, and we all began to suffer in turn. At this point I really started to be annoyed with my CIA people persons for putting me on this train, and as if by magic there was instantly projected over the on-board speaker system (give or take fifteen minutes) instructions to vacate the current train because there wouldn't be no train to Krenitz that day. In other words, the lack of electricity was terminal, and if we wanted to reach the terminal in New York we'd best lug our way over to the other track, where a rescue train would soon live up to its name.

At this point I noticed a chassidishe woman (I was unable to see her socks, and therefore could not ascertain which brand of Bobov she pledged her allegiances to) on the train with me, and I thought that perhaps she'd have some cholent and kishke with her, or at least a few rice cakes. Before I had a chance to confront her/beg for food I was faced with the insurmountable challenge of getting to her position, and my heavy case filled with valuable products of a most holy nature proved no match for her three shopping bags. In short, she left me in the dust. Fortunately for her (for who knows what I would have done in my food-fueled rage against the machine?) another train soon appeared on the horizon, and once we arrived in Manhattan I fully expected the inhabitants of the last three hours of my universe to break into spontaneous dance and shower the conducting crew with accolades more deserving of those who wear pink shirts in Oshkosh than of a bunch of overweight white guys just trying to do their jobs and get home in time for supper. I soon learned that this was not to be, and my disappointment was only rescued by a not-so-chance-filled-but-certainly-well-hyphenated encounter of a third kind with a very special blogger in the station that rejoiced in its Pennness.

And thus was Tisha B'Av won.

Nerd Cred!

You know why chavrusas are so useful? It's not because they're good for learning with-aderabe, I often find that I learn far, far better by myself. It's also not because they're good for physical abuse when you don't understand a Shach or Taz (much to my chavrusa's dismay). No, the real reason chavrusas are useful is because when you get stuck on a hard Shach or Taz and you're too lazy to find out what the heck it's talking about in Shaarei Yoreh Deah, you can get into a fun little argument about something or other! For example, yesterday we were discussing our plans to take over the world (I think we do this about once a day) and someone mentioned the M-1 Abrams tank. Someone else then mentioned that these things weigh a ton (remember, there's only two people in this conversation) and someone else mentioned that in fact they weigh a lot of tons, and how would transportation to the field of battle be affected? I answered that C-5 Galaxy or C-17 Globemaster III's would probably do a fine job, but my chavrusa said that these tanks weighed too much, and ships would be the only effective means of transportation. I immediately said that this was ridiculous, and there began that great male ritual known as the "polite debate".

TRS: You have no idea what you're talking about.
Chavrusa: What? I just looked this up two weeks ago. Main battle tanks weigh sixty tons. No way is an airplane carrying that.
TRS: What are you smoking?
Chavrusa: What are you smoking?

After several more rounds of this brilliant banter my chavrusa produced his Palm Centro and I looked up the Abrams on Wikipedia, that most glorious of creations. At first I was troubled by the assertion that indeed a tank did weigh in excess of sixty tons (67.6 short tons, to be precise), and so I looked up the C-5 page to find out who was correct. I was further scared when I read that, "By 1980, payloads were restricted to as low as 50,000 lb (23,000 kg) for general cargo during peacetime operations." Could my chavrusa be correct? Horrors!

Fortunately I kept my mouth shut and didn't reveal this potentially damning piece of information, and, following the timeless advice of Mr. Bennet, read on. For some reason I switched back to the Abrams page and lo and behold, what did we have here?

That's right folks! It's a U.S. Army M1A1 Abrams being marshaled away from a US Air Force C-17, after being offloaded at Joint Base Balad, Iraq, during Operation Iraqi Freedom. Read it and weep folks. That's what my chavrusa did. Turns out that in fact a C-5 can carry two of these bad boys, while a C-17 can carry one.

Score it 1-0 TRS.

I lost the next argument, and since this is a family blog I won't be getting into the details. Suffice it to say that my not knowing this was a sign of purity of holiness.

Tied at 1-1...

Today my chavrusa mentioned that his great-grandfather had served in the Royal Navy on a minesweeper in WWII, and that one of the bochurim in The World's Greatest Yeshiva's great-grandfather had also served on a minesweeper in the Royal Navy in WWII. "I wonder if they knew each other," mused my chavrusa, "I mean, how many minesweepers were there already in the Royal Navy at that time? Ten?" I of course immediately felt an urgent need to disagree (being a contrarian does have its quirks) and said, "What are you talking about? There were hundreds!"

The stage was set, and once again the trusty Wikipedia was brought out. I quickly found what I was looking for, and as I read the numbers my chavrusa's face fell.

Hunt class, Belvoir group (20 ships, launched 1916—1917) Ailsa twin-screw coastal minesweeping sloops.

Double his estimate, and that was WWI.

Hunt class, Aberdare group (87 ships, launched 1917—1919) Admiralty twin-screw coastal minesweeping sloops.

Should I even bother keeping score anymore?

Racecourse class (32 ships in 2 sub-classes, launched 1916—1918) paddlewheel coastal minesweeping sloops.

Sometimes, facts can be so cruel.

Dance class (14 ships, launched 1917-1919) tunnel-screw coastal minesweeping sloops.

As we finally reach the end of WWI... how about the postwar years?

Halcyon class (7 reciprocating and 14 turbine ships, launched 1933—1939) twin-screw minesweeping sloops.

I made the assumption that at least some of these were still serving during the war, but just to make sure-

Bangor class (14 ships, launched 1940—1942) diesel twin-screw single-role minesweeping sloops.

Can't argue with that, eh?

Blyth class (Bangor class II) (19 ships, launched 1940—1943) reciprocating Bangor variant.

Or that.

Ardrossan class (Bangor class III) (26 ships, launched 1940—1942) turbine Bangor variant.

Not bad, not bad...

Catherine class (22 ships, transferred from the US Navy in 1941 under the Lend-Lease program) twin-screw multi-role minesweeping sloops.

Hurray for the good 'ol USA!

Algerine class (98 ships, launched 1941—1945) twin-screw multi-role minesweeping sloops.

The British did pretty well too, I'll admit it.

BYMS class (150 ships, launched 1941—1943) British Yard acoustic / magnetic motor minesweepers.

Better and better. And now for the grand finale...

MMS class (403 ships, launched 1940—1945) inshore acoustic / magnetic motor minesweepers.

Yup. Read it and weep. Let's just say that the score was firmly in TRS' favor, 2-1.

While we were on the subject of ships in WWII, it seemed a pity to not have another argument, and my chavrusa quickly provided one when he lamented Great Britain's pathetic carrier presence, two or three at the most during the war. I immediately rose to Her Royal Brittanic Majesty's defense (or her daddy, whatever), and said that there were certainly more than that. A little wikipediaing followed, and...

Ark Royal (1938)
Unicorn fleet maintenance carrier (1943)
Illustrious (1939)
Formidable (1939)
Victorious (1939)
Indomitable (1940)
Implacable (1942)
Indefatigable (1942)
Colossus (1943), to France 1946 as Arromanches
Glory (1943)
Ocean
Theseus (1944)
Triumph (1944)
Venerable - to Netherlands 1948 as Karel Doorman, to Argentina 1968 as Veinticinco de Mayo
Vengeance (1944) - to Brazil 1956 as renamed Minas Gerais
Warrior (1944) - to Canada 1946-1948, to Argentina 1958 as Independencia
Perseus (1944)
Pioneer (1944)
Majestic (1945) - to Australia 1955 as Melbourne
Hercules (1945) - to India 1957 as Vikrant
Leviathan (1945) - was never completed
Magnificent - sold to Canada as HMCS Magnificent
Powerful (1945) - to Canada 1952 as Bonaventure
Terrible (1944) - to Australia in 1948 as Sydney
Audacity (1941) - torpedoed 1941
Archer
Avenger
Biter
Charger
Dasher
Battler
Attacker
Hunter
Chaser
Fencer
Stalker
Pursuer
Striker
Searcher
Ravager
Tracker
Slinger
Atheling
Emperor
Ameer
Begum
Trumpeter
Empress
Khedive
Speaker
Nabob
Premier
Shah
Patroller
Rajah
Ranee
Trouncer
Thane
Queen
Ruler
Arbiter
Smiter
Puncher
Reaper
Activity
Nairana (1943) - to Royal Netherlands Navy as Karel Doorman 1946
Vindex (1943)
Pretoria Castle (1943)
Campania (1944)
MV Empire MacAlpine
MV Empire MacAndrew
MV Empire MacKendrick
MV Empire MacDermott
MV Empire MacRae
MV Empire MacCallum
MV Empire MacCabe
MV Empire MacColl
MV Empire MacKay
MV Empire MacMahon
MV Acavus
MV Adula
MV Alexia
MV Amastra
MV Ancylus
MV Gadila
MV Macoma
MV Miralda
MV Rapana
Albatross (1928) - transferred from Royal Australian Navy 1938.

Shall we say TRS with a decisive 3-1 lead?

All right, I'm a nice guy, I got into another argument a little later. My chavrusa and I were discussing Israel's current nuclear deterrent vis-a-vis Iran, and he mentioned the Zionist entities having three Dolphin-class submarines. I said they had more. A quick check of Wikipedia revealed that in fact we were both right! How so? Israel originally had three subs, but they ordered two more, which are currently being built in Germany, so it turns out, as I said, that we were both right.

Not wishing to waste any more time on this senseless debate I took a quick look at the Wiki page and discovered a couple interesting things. Did you know that the first two Dolphin-class subs that Israel purchased from Germany weren't actually purchased? They were donated! I wonder if they came with a plaque like all those Mogen David Adam ambulances in Israel saying, "This ambulance was donated by Young Israel of Forest Kew Bush Land Hills in memory of someone or other." As my chavrusa pointed out, they could write on the sub plaque, "This sub donated by the people who killed six million." In fact, as a quick perusal of this will reveal, Germany donated those subs because they felt guilty. Crazy.

And how about that third sub? Israel purchased it. For half-price. What a bunch of Jews, eh? Ashreinu Mah Tov Chelkeinu!

Final score: 3-1-1. TRS by two. Woohoo!

Kindly thoughts are appreciated

Tonight is the fortieth night of the omer. That's a lot of nights. Moses was on top of a mountain three times for this many days and nights. Not a blintz passed through his lips, nor the slightest draught of Appletizer. One can assume that he was a bit hungry.

What happened when he came down the mountain? Did he eat and drink? I think not. In fact, he fed others before himself! All right, so it probably didn't taste so good, but hey, how many people can say they've eaten golden ashes or the ashes of gold or whatever? Must have been quite the treat.

And what happened after that? Back up the mountain did our hero trudge, and whilst there he engaged in some epic battle with the big blue dodger (Brooklyn) in the sky. Forty days later, down he came, and one can only hope that he got a square meal for his efforts, or at least some man. Mun. Man is illegal.

Yup, this Moses guy was a character all right. You know who else was a character? Abraham. This guy slaughters three cows for their tongues, and no one even eats them! And does he complain? Shoot, if three people came to my house, pretended to eat my food and drink my drink, and then started with some craziness about a ninety year old women giving birth, I know what I'd say. And it wouldn't be, "Please sir, may I have another?"

But there you go, our forefathers sure were swell. Not to forget our foremothers of course. They had some good shtuff going for them too.
Take, for example, Leah. Here she is, tears all cried out, and what does she care about?Some dudaim. This woman is trying to beautify her home, to make it a mikdash me'at. Incredible.

Who else is there in our pantheon of Jewish heroes? How about the women in the Taz's town who put a salted goose on top of an unsalted goose in a vessel without egress entrances and then put salt on top of the whole shebang. Some people might think to suggest that the whole bottom goose is forbidden, but my friends, you and I know better. At the worst only the part of the goose which became submerged in brine would be forbidden, but even that's questionable (hat tip the Shach for some incisive commentary on this one).

Yes folks, this has been the kind of selfless dedication to Judaism that has kept us as a people around for as long as we've been around (nearly half an hour at last count!). But is that all? I think not.

Enter the princes of the tribes, and specifically Zimri Ben Salu of the Simon tribe (made large and numerous in second temple days) who had the incredible self-sacrifice to challenge Moses (remember him? The guy who didn't eat) and stand up for his dues-paying tribal members. These poor guys were in danger of being gededed, and what did Zimri get for his pains? A spear thrust through him. And not only him, but some princess too. Sheesh, talk about a raw deal.

But that's what these Simonites seem to have gotten a lot of. Did they get blessed by Jacob? No sirree! How about by Moses? You kidding me? Did they even get some decent land in the land of Israel? Can you say "scattered among the Judases"? And let's face it, those Judah people had their own issues. All right, I can buy that David didn't sin with Bathsheba, but look where he's coming from? And where he's going too-I mean, would you, as a father, be proud of your son who raped his sister? What a guy, what a guy. And yet David is the progenitor of the Messiah. Crazy.

So how's that for a little history? Stay tuned for tommorow night's foray into geopolitical consultation (don't dissapoint us again Bibi!) and painting (Monet-good, Manet? You decide). And that's all there is to it. Just a little pinch here, a little pinch there, and you can convert a genuine case of writer's block into nine paragraphs of absolute nothingness. If that doesn't take talent, then I don't know what does.

For no other purpose

Something is only work when you don't want to do it for its sake. The day a baseball player only steps onto the field because he wants his paycheck, not for the love of the game, he's working, not playing. There's nothing wrong with work; in point of fact, it's quite the wonderful thing. Forget the financial aspects-there's something very satisfying about doing something you're not particularly interested in doing and doing it well. But at the same time, it's only a means, not an end. G-d created a world, and everything in it, but he didn't create it all equally. He wanted to create non-Jews, but not because he wanted a world filled with goyim; he made them because he wanted them in his world. Jews, on the other hand, were not created for another purpose. They're just there because He wants them.

Speaking of work, today is Beis Iyar, the birthday of the Rebbe Maharash, Lechatchila Ariber, as the Rebbe would often refer to him. Of course, if you're Shlomo Cunin then you put on your Sefer Torah (at Running Springs) "Lechatchila Ariber unAriber" (ooh, chasssiiddisshh), but that's neither here nor there. As the Tzemach Tzedek remarked when his son was complimented, "What do you expect of Tiferes sheb'Tiferes?"

The Rebbe Maharash has always been a little mysterious. We don't have a picture of him. (Actually, I have heard tell of a likeness possessed by some family in Crown Heights displayed under a glass counter top, but that could just be over-active Bochur imagination). He was first married at the age of fourteen to his niece Rebbitzen Shterna, after a whole round of sibling squabbling. She became ill soon after the wedding, and after a prolonged illness she passed away. When he was fifteen he was married again, to Rebbitzen Rivkah, no relation. (For a complete biography, see here)
----
Meanwhile, in other news, the latest Haveil Havalim, ably hosted by the Rebbitzen's Husband, is up here.

BREAKING NEWS! IMPORTANT!

From Yossi, a bochur in Lubavitch:

Correction

I was at fault for helping to spread a false rumor that this year's Birkas HaChama is only the third time in Jewish history that it occurs on Erev Pesach, and the first two were Yetzias Metzrayim and Purim.
That is incorrect.
Yetzias Metzrayim and Purim weren't even years of Birkas HaChama, and in the past 1500 or so years, this will actually be the 5th time it occurs on Erev Pesach.
What is interesting is that this is the last time ever, until Moshiach comes, that it will be Erev Pesach (this is true even if chas v'shalom moshiach doesn't come until the year 6000)

Hesech Hadaas

I meant to spark a theological debate. Heaven forbid that I should be one of those debating, but I had hoped to inspire the masses to bickering of a divine nature. My chavrusa at least satisfed this urge, but unfortunately I was the victim of his venting of thoughts. Listen, I love my chavrusa and everything, but I'm trying to study for a test in taaruvos here, not debate the various advantages of a/theism. Because as I told him, I simply don't know the arguments the non-believers use! Even though I tried my bestest to advocate for the devil (though of course the side I was taking doesn't believe in the devil) it was pretty pointless, because I simply didn't know what to say, so he was convinced he'd won. Then I googled a little and left him with some reading material. Because, you know, just like I wouldn't want Shmuley Boteach arguing for G-d's existence I wouldn't want myself arguing against it, because neither of us have a clue. And besides, I hate being involved in arguments of this nature. They're so utterly pointless (why then do I blog...?).

What I did learn today though was all about that mysterious Sefer Torah found in the temple in the times of Josiah. Interestingly enough, there's a machlokes between the Malbim and the Metzudos Dovid regarding the identity of the burner of all the other Sifrei Torah. The malbim says that it was Menashe, grandfather of Josiah, who burned them, while the Metzudos Dovid claims that it was Achaz, great great grandfather of Josiah, who burned them.

Don't worry, the Radak comes and makes sense of it all. Turns out that Achaz burned them all, then his son Hezekiah came around and did what was right in the eyes of the L-rd, which included writing a bunch of new scrolls of the scripture, and then Menashe his son abandoned the ways of his daddy and went after the path of his grandfather (isn't there something about genes skipping a generation?) which included a new destruction of the Torah. Terrible, I know. Some Kohanim got super scared and hid the last remaining Torah, which was written by Moses himself, and it was lost for 67 years. Why didn't Menashe locate it when he did teshuvah near the end of his long reign? The poor guy was old and tired, and he didn't have much time before he passed on.

This is of course the time to repeat one of the Rosh's favorite stories, which I have written here previously, about the Amora (Rabba? Or Rava?) who was giving shiur and said, "Menashe our colleague" and felt really proud of it. That night Menashe came to him in a dream and said, "Don't get so excited dude, if you had lived in my times you would have raised your cloak to run to worship idols!" See, the people of Menashe's times, though they were incredibly idolatrous, didn't lift up their cloaks when they rushed to serve their local getchke, which of course slowed them down (which they appreciated, though they couldn't overpower their evil inclination). Had the amora been there he wouldn't have even been able to control himself that much. Anyway, the next day in shiur he said, "Menashe our teacher".

Back to the story...

So what happens? The high priest Hilkiah (or one of his minions) finds the Sefer Torah (with a 'hey') and everyone gets really paranoid when it's seen that the Torah is rolled to the tochachah. Hulda (of the gates), female prophetess extraordinaire, predicts lots of doom and gloom, but she comforts the people that because they're so righteous they at least won't suffer.

Thence follows a period of national truth and reconciliation which includes some serious idol destruction, and thence follows the best Pesach since Samuel the prophet. Just about 35 years later the temple was destroyed and the Jewboys exiled from their land. Yeah, life stinks, eh?

So the point is that in fact the mesorah was not lost. Sure, no one had a Sefer Torah to base themselves on, but the Kuzari isn't based on the physical Torah. It's based on the mesorah, on the tradition, which was never lost, even if some people forgot about it. Heck, even in the days of Hezekiah, who Hashem wanted to make Moshiach, things weren't all banana smoothies and cheesecake. Not all the Jews jumped on the bible bandwagon.

And as the Rosh ended off many a cursing, um'sayim betov.

Guest post: The Romantic Halacha

Eliezer, alias The Almighty Editor, sent me the following:

Due to my great affinity for sin, I could not find a better way to pass Tisha B'Av than to read a Shu"t Tashbetz, specifically responsum 9 of volume 3. As the Code of Jewish Law cautions, reading the "Torah of the Lord" did in fact "gladden [my] soul" and dislodge some of the mourning for the horrible destruction. So that you can guiltlessly enjoy the same pleasure, I have translated the responsum for your post-fast reading. The translation is as literal as possible. I know this may make it difficult to read, but I could not deprive you of any of the rabbis' eloquence.

There was a story here in Algeria. One bochur from the Isles of Sardinia named Yehuda bar Yitzchak made a shidduch with a maiden from Algeria named Balanka bas R' Yitzchak the Levite his soul is in Eden. The said maiden is under the guardianship of her mother and her mother's husband. After a while, the said maiden refused to marry the said bochur, and she engaged herself to a different bochur whose name is Karshkash Avram (sic.) who lives today in said Algeria. A month after the said Karshkash got engaged, the said Karshkash wanted to betroth the said Balanka. And when the said Yehuda heard that the intention of the said maiden Balanka is to become betrothed and married to the said bochur Karshkash, Yehuda called most of the members of our community, may their Rock guard them and bless them, to the synagogue and there he publicly publicized that the said maiden Balanka ought to guard herself not to accept betrothal [money] from the said bochur Karshkash, for she is already betrothed to the said Yehuda. Our opinion, and the opinion of most of our community is the said Yehuda did this out of his great wrath toward the said maiden for her refusal to marry him, for he distanced his witnesses, the witnesses of the betrothal, and said that in front of two German (Ashkenazi) guests that passed by here two years before this dispute did he betroth her. And one who wishes to lie will distance his witnesses. What did the said Karshkash do? He went to one house of this city where the said maiden Balanka and her mother were, and there he betrothed her in front of two kosher witnesses. After all these things, there was a quarrel between the two said bochurim over the said maiden and they went before the royal courts and each brought his case before the said courts. And then the courts ordered the trustees of our community, may their Rock guard them, that they should choose wise and discerning men from among those that find themselves in our community and they shall have the authority to judge this dispute according to laws of Israel. And they chose three judges¹ for this, and they accepted the claims of each of the above mentioned [bochurim] and the claims of said Balanka, who said that she never accepted betrothal [money] from the said Yehuda, only from the hand of the said bochur Karshkash; and they accepted the testimony of the witnesses who testified that the said Karshkash betrothed the said maiden Balanka in front of her mother and in accordance with her will as was written at length in the court records that were made by the president of the court¹. And after the court heard the claims of the above-mentioned, and they wanted to remove fights, disputes, and quarrels from among the above-mentioned, they established their legal ruling: the said Balanka is to be divorced from both young men² and she shall remain free of either of them and she shall go and marry whomever she pleases. According to what is heard among the members of our community, may their Rock guard them and bless them, from the mouths of the women, that the intention of the said maiden and the intention of her mother was that in a few days the said maiden Balanka would go and marry the said bochur Karshkash. What did the said Yehuda do with some of his cohorts³? They surrounded with the royal courts that Yehuda and the said Karshkash shall accept upon themselves with a severe oath with the power of a ban that neither of them will be able to betroth and marry the said maiden all their days forever⁴. And the said Yehuda, as he knew that the said maiden Balanka did not want him at all, said that he will swear that he will not marry her all his days forever--but with this [stipulation]: that the bochur Karshkash should swear like him. Then the said Karshkash said that he will not swear under any circumstances⁵. According to our understanding, for this reason did the said Karshkash refuse to swear: for he loved the said maiden Balanka very much and she also loves him. After this, one individual went to [the said Karshkash's father] Nevdam Karshkash and to his son, the said Karshkash, that at least the said Karshkash should accept upon himself the said oath. For if the said Karshkash does not want [to swear], the intention of the master the parnes⁶ is to put Karshkash in jail and to torture him with iron chains and to punish him monetarily. And due to their great fear of these things, as [people] forced to save their money, the said Nevdam agreed to coerce his said son to accept upon himself the oath with the power of a ban that he will not marry all his days forever the said maiden. And so did the said bochur do, as one forced to fulfill the will of his father: the said Karshkash swore the said oath. According to what he says now, he did not swear with complete will. But at the time of the swearing, he admitted in front of witnesses at the said oath[-swearing ceremony] that he swears with a full heart and with a desiring soul. And the said bochur Yehuda also swore this oath and he accepted upon himself with the power of a ban that he would not marry all his days forever the said maiden. And eight days after the said Yehuda accepted upon himself the said oath, he married a woman, from the members of our community, may their Rock guard them and bless them. And after this a rumor went out among the members of our community that the said Karshkash says that the oath and the ban that he had accepted upon himself not to marry the said maiden Balanka, (he says that the oath and the ban which he swore⁷) was under duress and that there is no place for such an oath. And these words reached the master the parnes. When the master the parnes heard that love of the said bochur Karshkash for the maiden Balanka is great, and that Balanka too is very desirous to marry the said bochur Karshkash, the master the parnes ordered us ח"מ⁸ to annul this oath for the said bochur Karshkash, so that the said Karshkash can betroth and marry the said maiden Balanka. And we, the ח"מ, when we saw that the dispute has proliferated among the members of our community concerning this over the past year, we accepted upon ourselves not to permit and not to forbid; and we told the master the parnes that this matter requires wise men greater than we. And then the master the parnes commanded us ח"מ, in the authority of our master the king Dargon, long may he reign with a fine of 100 flowers of Dargon to testify the rule which arises from the said matters with our signatures⁹ and it shall be placed before those who instruct instructions in Israel. And they have with great kindness written their opinions with their honorable signatures clearly explained concerning the said oath⁹. And we, the undersigned, as ordered by the master the parnes to testify the principle of the matter, have truthfully written the story as it occurred. With trustworthy testimony we have signed our names here seventeen days in the month of Kislev the year five thousand one hundred eighty six to the creation of the world [1426 CE].

[Signed,] Ishtaruk Baruch the Levite; Samuel bar Raphael

The recipient of the above letter, without any flowery salutations, writes that Karshkash's oath is not binding, but if Karshkash is an NRF suffering from OCD, he can have the oath annulled by three laymen, and marry Balanka with a clear conscience. The rabbi then concludes as follows (bear in mind that in Hebrew the following paragraph has a rhythm which got lost in translation):

For the sake of [preserving] the ways of peace, and to banish wars and calling out "it is partiality!"¹⁰ between a man and his brother and between his litigant who binds words upon him¹

And to carry out the words of the askers, their oil is pure olive oil on the head of the proclamation¹

And at the top of the olive tree everyone crushes^{1 &9}

I have gone out from the position of humility to speak in the place of the great ones and to boast as one who opens a war belt while still girding¹¹

For all help in the heavenly work of bringing a bride to the house of her husband and to take her out of captivity

And one who says, "Why do I need this bother? Peace to you, O my soul. For he locks his house with a lock and a bar.

"And how shall I go out to fight quickly? It is better that I should make myself cripple and lame

"And to be honored and sit in [my] house, for it is honorable for a man to sit in a home and to pass the brook, and let the good tidings die." ¹

[To such a person, I say:] Also this has God not chosen, and the permission is given at every time to speak like a horse, a crane, ¹ twittering and bound ⁹

Also an elderly¹ also one old, also a bochur also a virgin, and every wise-hearted¹² woman, also young boys and young girls, lads and lasses, mature males and mature females

Perhaps the lord will be gracious to them, and our words will go out in an auspicious time to couple the nice couple and they shall proliferate like fish¹³ with blessed fruits of the womb, fruitful and multiplying, and hatching¹

And they shall be blessed with assets near the city far from the eye, flocks and cattle firstlings and offspring.

And God who has caused them to journey, manly journeys¹

Shall gather in those whom he has pushed away, to the chosen house, both the native born and the sojourner

And if anger returns to us and the remains of the anger will be bound¹

And those who desire our evil and those who pursue us as a running eagle, He Who calls in the mountains, their seat to the earth He shall crush

He shall destroy them; He shall obliterate them; He shall subdue them; and as one shakes a sifter shall He shake them

And their sword shall enter their heart—the great deathly destruction!¹

And the kings and the ministers who rule over us and have mercy on us, their enemies into their hands shall be locked

So speak, as one sitting on the birthing stool, valiant ones he shall strengthen⁹

Like sending presents and gifts of peace

To the holy congregation, its elders, and its judges, and its police their world and old age⁹ they have established their residence in Isradaniah in the city of Algeria.

[Signed,] The man that he and his father, their taste has lasted and their scent has not changed

And they have been emptied from vessel to vessel: from Prubintza to Morocco and from Morocco to Algeria.

Who signs in the month of Adar II the year of ¹⁴ח"י ח"י הו"א יודו"ך (life, life, he shall acknowledge you)

To hear of your peace he will rejoice and be happy,

Shimon the son of¹ Tzemach, זלה"ה

Well there you have it folks. How often does one come across a halachic responsum concerning a romantic saga full of intrigues and which ends off with a call for young and old to join forces to rescue a damsel in distress, a colorful prayer for the redemption, and a brief history of the letter-writer's family?

1 I'm not sure I translated this correctly.

2 Literally "should go out from this one and from this one"

3 Literally "individuals from our community, may their Rock bless them, who support his hand"

4 I don't know what it means "to surround the court." Apparently Yehuda pulled strings with the non-Jewish authorities to make it appear as if the authorities were forcing both of them to swear.

5 Literally "from any side"

6 Presumably, "the master the parnes" was some authority who was in Yehuda's back pocket.

7 Parenthesis in the original text (Didn't that sound Lessons-in-Tanyaesque?)

8 I have no idea what this stands for.

9 I have no idea what this means.

10 In Hebrew, קריאת תגר

11 See I Kings 20:11 http://www.chabad.org/15904 http://he.wikipedia.org/wiki/%D7%90%D7%9C_%D7%99%D7%AA%D7%94%D7%9C%D7%9C_%D7%97%D7%95%D7%92%D7%A8_%D7%9B%D7%9E%D7%A4%D7%AA%D7%97

12 See the Parshas Vayakhel and Pekudei (I can't be bothered to look up the exact verse).

13 See Jacob's blessing to Ephriam and Mansassah (again, I can't deal with exact verse now).

14 The Gematria of the Hebrew phrase is 94. I do not know how that stands for a year. Presumably this letter was sent in 1427, as the question was sent in 1426.