C.D.S.G.

I recently attended a non-Lubavitch Shul for Shabbos Davening, which was pretty much the same thing as a Lubavitch Shul for Davening, except that they started at the obscene time of 8:30. Ridiculous.

Anyway, the Kiddush was in honor of a family that is leaving the community after a decade to move to Israel. One of the locals made a speech, which went something like this:

There are many communities which have the minhag to make a "seudas preidah," a separation meal, when people leave. It's interesting to note that the word, "preidah," separation, is also the same word for mule. Why is this? Well, a mule is a strange animal. On the one hand, it's sterile, it can never have progeny. On the other hand, it's a very hard worker. So a mule is bittersweet. So too is a separation: we're taking leave of one another, and it's very sad. At the same time though, it's a new start, a new beginning, and we're happy that they'll be moving on to greater things. So a separation, just like a mule, is bittersweet. Sure, we hope we'll keep in touch, but at the end of the day, this is it.

During this speech I started thinking, "Hmm, I've never heard of this whole seudas preidah thing." And then it occurred to me- this is exactly why, in the immortal words of the brothers Marcus, "Chassidim don't say goodbye." We don't have a separation, we don't leave one another. Sure, there may be a temporary parting, but we know we'll see each other again.

As a Lubavitcher, we hear things like C. D.S.G all the time, and it sounds trite and common and obvious. Then you hear things from another perspective, and all of a sudden, you realize that we really are better than everyone else. Ok, maybe not. But we do have the right idea.

J'accuse!

Apparently Educational Institute Oholei Torah decided to boycott this years Lag B'Omer parade unless the organizers uninvited the Marcus brothers, who were scheduled to perform at the event. Apparently, the organizers of the event gave in. This is, I may add, the same Educational Institute Oholei Torah which is honoring people at their own event who don't necessarily follow the principles which the school stands for. I refer, of course, to their lack of facial hair. Apparently however, their money is Kosher, while the music of the Rebbe's Shluchim is not. Which strikes me as strange, because MBD, a non-Lubavitch performer who is being allowed to ply his trade at the parade, has sung more songs to non-Jewish tunes than the brothers Marcus ever did.

Why did the organizers give in to this terrorism? I don't know. But I'd like to make it clear that I will be boycotting this event. Because I don't believe in giving in to terrorism.

Lefi anias daati (again)

All right folks, here's the story: why is gay marriage wrong for a non-Jew? Because acting on homosexual instincts is wrong for a non-Jew. Why are homosexual acts wrong for a non-Jew? Because they're prohibited in the 7 Noahide laws. As Jews, and specifically as Lubavitchers, we have the obligation to teach non-Jews about the 7 Noahide laws. Therefore, we have the obligation to say that gay marriage is wrong. Right? Right.

Now... according to the 7 Noahide laws, murder is verboten. According to the Rambam, abortion, at least for a non-Jew, is murder. As Jews, and specifically as Lubavitchers, we have the obligation to say that abortion is wrong. Right? Right.

Now... when was Roe v Wade? 1973. What did the Lubavitcher Rebbe say about this legalization of abortion? I'm sure he said lots about it in letters and in private, but in public? Hmm? Can anyone give me any place where the Rebbe said anything about abortion?

So... the same Rebbe who said we have to publicize the 7 Noahide laws (apparently) didn't say anything publicly about abortion. And remember, the Rebbe was not afraid to speak his mind in public. On Shleimus Haaretz, he was extremely vocal. And so too with many other issues. But on abortion?

I very much suspect that the Rebbe would be equally reticent on the issue of gay marriage. Do we have to promote it? Of course not. Should we picket gay pride parades? Did the Rebbe say to picket Planned Parenthood?

Salaried

There were two missives in the 22 Shevat issue of Nshei Chabad which are worthy of response on this worthy blog, but I'll only be responding to one, for reason which shall remain obvious to those who are already cognizant of them.

There was an article in a previous issue of the newsletter which stated that Chabad Yeshivos provide wonderful educations. The author provided various proofs for his assertion, and came to the conclusion that Lubavitcher bochurim learn all the skills necessary in their educational endeavors for two (and only two) professions: shlichus and entrepreneurism. And that's it. Because that's all you need: either you go out on Shlichus, which is really entrepreneurial in and of itself, or you start your own business, which is really Shlichus.

In this most recent issue someone responded that the above assertion was actually incorrect. Contrary to the author's beliefs, the fact that bochurim leave yeshiva with a very limited skill set reflects a major deficiency in the system, not a positive. As the first responder says, there's a very limited number of shlichus spots open, and many people simply don't have the ability to be entrepreneurs.

In response, the author of the original article says that the main thing which matters is the person's own faith and belief and self. If you believe it enough, it will come true. There's no need to go to any sort of school, because the most successful people all just believed in themselves, and this is exactly what the Lubavitch educational system teaches.

As the commentaries would say, this is the end of the quote.

And as the commentaries would undoubtedly be too polite to say, this is bogus. The best way to respond to naivete like this is to point out the Rebbe's establishment of vocational schools in Israel. The only way to disprove someone who has drunk the Kool-Aid is to bring something which directly contradicts them.

Next up, it's simply ridiculous to assert that everyone could start their own business or at least trail blaze a new path in life. After all, if this was the case, where would the doctors come from? I'm all for people starting their own medical companies, but I would like them to have gone through some medical training first.

Besides, most people, yours truly included, simply don't have the temperament, inclination, or natural-born abilities to make something on their own. The author seems to have these abilities, and is astonished that the rest of the human race does not share his own nature. At the very least, he assumes, seven or eight years in the Yeshiva system should drill enough self-belief in someone that they're able to make it on their own in the big wide world. After all, as long as you believe in yourself, you can do anything, right?

The purpose of this post is not to posit a deficiency in the Lubavitch educational system, but rather to say that wishful thinking is no substitute for an actual education. Quoting Tony Robbins and thinking that there's some sort of mantle which will fit all Lubavitchers is absolutely ridiculous. Everyone is different. There are 600,000 general souls, and each soul has their own path in life. Sure, there's one Rebbe, but that Rebbe was smart enough to know that everyone is not the same.

Whoever thought?

As some of you might be aware, I recently did a nice little interview about religion. In the comments of that post, I was asked a few questions. Here's my answers.

e: Would you observe the traditional seven-day mourning period if your kid left the religion, but didn't marry a non-Jew?

A: I would ask my local orthodox rabbi for the correct approach to this issue. In general, I think it would probably be based on how my kid left Judaism. Did they convert to another religion, or merely stop practicing this one? But again, I would let Daas Torah decide.

Actually, as you can see, I was only asked one question. And now you know what I would do.

And tonight, we say l'chaim...

Rabbi Mordechai Friedman tells me the following every year, and I think it's quite pertinent:

The two days of Shemini Atzeret and Simchat Torah are very precious. Rabbi Shalom DovBer Schneersohn, fifth Rebbe of Chabad-Lubavitch, stated:

The 48 hours of Shemini Atzeret and Simchat Torah should be highly treasured. Every moment is an opportunity to draw bucket- and barrelfuls of material and spiritual treasures. And this is accomplished through dancing...

I also remember something along the lines of, "What can be accomplished through the 48 hours of Rosh Hashanah through penitenting can be accomplished in the 48 hours of Shemini Atzeres and Simchas Torah through dancing," but I can't find a source for it.

Ponder this!

Was Chelsea Clinton's Chosson's wearing of a Yarmulkeh and Tallis at their nuptials a positive development for Judaism in America or was it merely the latest sign of the destruction of our once-proud religion? Does Lubavitch have a different answer to this question than, let us say for example, Povonezh? And what would Moses Mendelson say?

Amused at the muse

Two years ago I blogged a whole long piece, and no one commented! The shame! Maybe it's because I end everything off with "yup"? It's supposed to be an ironic commentary on life, the universe, and everything, but perhaps it's been misinterpreted? Anyway, here's a republishing of that long ago post:

I was at a loss tonight, because I really couldn't think of anything to write. Thankfully I popped onto Hershel Tzig's site and was directed to another site which seems to think that Chabad is the embodiment of evil on G-d's green earth. I really enjoy sites like these for a couple reasons. The first is that they validate my belief in Chabad; the second is that they give me something to write about when the times they are a slow.

It's really amazing that some people spend so much of their time bashing us. Sure, I bash people when they annoy me, but I don't go around looking for people to slam. Do I wake up in the morning and think, "Who can I hurt today?" No, I wake up in the morning and think, "Man, I'm a moron, I should have gone to sleep before 3:00 AM". You understand the difference? The haters are always thinking about other people, while I constantly think about myself.
As I was reading the posts, and especially after reading the comments, I found myself formulating replies. I stopped myself and said (in the hushed tone normally reserved for visitors to the Minnesota History Center), "TRS, can't you read what they have to say? Instead of trying to fight back, just absorb their words and try to understand that they have a valid point of view." Once I stopped laughing I began to type a response. Then it hit me: You just can't argue with these people. So I stopped typing. It occurred to me that I also don't take criticism very well; after all, yesterday I made a typo, an august presence advised me of its existence, and instead of admitting my mistake like a man I made a joke of the whole affair. Where's the accountability?

This specific blog itself is actually, I must admit, quite fair in its approach. There's a great story that he brings from Rav Hutner:

There is the well known story about the bed of Sodom (also known as the Procrustean bed). If a visitor to Sodom was too short he was stretched and if he was too big for the bed his legs were cut off. Rav Hutner said, "We have such a bed in the frum world. The difference is that if someone doesn't fit his head is cut off."

Fine. So I really don't have too much of a problem with this blog. Many of the comments are off the wall, and he seems to think that all of Lubavitch waves yellow flags around, but these are quite ordinary problems. There's nothing particularly offensive about what he says. So what's my problem? I was just looking for something to write. Today's MS, you see, was a bit uninspiring. While I was making phone calls I realized that I could open a very successful business: Everyone I talk to says they're "just about" to go on vacation. I should start charging people to have me call them and then they'll magically be going on vacation! I think that this idea is worth at least five million a year, and I'm looking for some venture capital to help me start this thing.

Moving right along, it has come to my attention that we're currently in the middle of the nine days, and we're supposed to be sad that we don't have a temple. Is anyone here depressed? Does the sting of exile bite into anyone's heart?

I didn't think so. What can we do about this? I don't know. Seems to me that we've all settled into a malaise that only something really exciting can get us out of. If, for example, the sun were to have some major histrionics, most of us would take life a little more seriously, at least for the fifteen seconds we'd have before being wiped out like a bunch of Toyotas in Detroit.
The nine days, huh? Tough time. Yup.

Wondering justly

I asked the following on FB but didn't get any pertinent responses, so I figured I'd go for it over here too:

What would the Rebbe say about the hordes of hippies, yuppies, and various other invasive species currently gentrifying Crown Heights?

Meanwhile, in other news, after long discussion with everyone's favorite tippler and toppler, I have come to the conclusion that when you believe in something you should just say it outright. So, without further adieu, and in the interests of spurring further commenting from our wonderful commenters:

The reason I have not attended a poetry slam in many months is because I believe it is morally and religiously wrong.

There, I've said it. Now I can go to sleep with a clear conscience.

Work? Horrors!

An article was recently read in the TRS-le7 household which we thought should be allowed some wider circulation. Unfortunately, the actual text is not available online, so you'll have to trust my description of the contents.

There is a mother in Israel who merited to raise a large family of boys. She also merited to marry those sons off. She also merited that her mechutanim paid for the costs of those weddings, so she is not in debt. She also merited that her daughters' in law have well paying jobs, so her sons can be the budding gedolei hador that they are.

This sounds like the perfect life, eh? Well, it appears that all is not well in this particular woman's garden of eden. Yes, the snake has reared its ugly head again, this time in the guise of... her daughter's in law! Apparently, they spend so much time working that they have no time for their children or husbands. Horrifically, their husbands are forced to abandon their buddingness and head home to take care of the kids and the general household chores. Apparently, it is a terrible thing for a son to iron his shirts.

This poor woman has a daughter who fell into the same trap as her sisters' in law- she became an accountant, and has by and large abandoned her husband and children. Now, the mother declares:

We are looking for a kallah for our next son, and we've learned our lesson. Torah is acquired with bread and water, financial pressure, and sufficing with little. We are looking for a kallah who will be a mother and wife, not a gold mine.

Touching thought, isn't it? Apparently, in the chareidi world, you either have to starve or else have no life. We thought that one suggestion would be for these women to start working third shift, but determined that the husband would still be short changed.

Any suggestions?

What's to be done?

Fifteen year olds have many admirable traits. One of these is not their belief in their own infallibility, which is manifested in their believing themselves to be always right. Another distasteful aspect of the personality's of many young adults is their desire for "dirty" conversation. One unfortunate consequence of these two behavioral traits is the general disregard for polite conventions in conversation.

Both of these traits are understandable- the one a result of immature youth yet to taste the nectar of gray, the other the result of hormonal changes and other such things. As such, the bearers of these traits can not be castigated for having them; they can be taught to control themselves, and even to change them and begin the process of maturation, but to criticize? It can't rightly be done.

There is another species altogether, one that has long passed the age of crude humor and that realizes its own humanity, its own ability to make mistakes. The people who make up this group are not necessarily immune to the charms of the fifteen year old life, but rather recognize that while it may have been fun at the time, it is now time to move on. Because these people have lived the life and have come to recognize its deficiencies, they are uniquely suited to moving beyond it. There are certainly times when aspects of this life are acceptable; in a bar or among close friends, there can be no gainsaying the fact that behaving like a fifteen year old has its merits.

Be that as it may, there are certain people who do not appear to grasp the essential points of getting older, namely the recognizing of one's social standing and location in time and space. Whether these people are deluding themselves or merely have had their development arrested is outside the purview of this article, but the object is clear in either case. These people, being unaware (for whatever reason), or at the very least deluding themselves, are very firmly entrenched in their behavioral patterns. The reason they're so firmly entrenched is because they, like people many years younger, believe themselves to be infallible, and even worse have not the redeeming quality of being young and foolish. The result is a horrendous lack of social sense, grace, and tact. These people wouldn't know etiquette if it hit them in the head with a baseball bat.

What is to be done with these people? Apparently they are beyond the pale of humanity. Unlike their younger brethren, they have no future perfect. In point of fact, they have moved beyond the normally allotted time which is reserved for maturation and thus seemingly will live the rest of their lives in blissful fifteen year old-land. Blissful, that is to say, for them, for their contemporaries will undoubtedly be too polite to point out their failings. I suppose there is always the chance for a late blooming, but these sorts of things can't be counted on. Is there no other solution?

Why can't we all just be friends?

Some people were troubled by my linking to an article and stating "And people wonder why we have no respect for snags..."

I would reprint the entire conversation, but I wouldn't want anyone to feel bad reading the the things they wrote, so instead I will merely offer a defense of my opinion.

1. I never claimed that Lubavitch was perfect. I merely claimed that in this instance, we are far more normal than others. Lubavitch accepts all manner of riffraff into its institutions, erring on the side of accepting too much rather than too little when it comes to these things.

2. In my opinion, the worlds of Lithuanian and Chagas Jewry have moved closer and closer together to the point where the only thing separating them is their clothes and their accents. And even then, not so much. Witness the increased veneration for the Godol's every breath, and the decreasing enrollment at chassidish Yeshivas, with the corresponding increase in Litvisher places of learning.

3. I don't know why some people think I have anything to do with Sean Hannity. I don't like Sean Hannity. I have never professed to like him. In fact, I have often professed the opposite.

4. Lubavitchers have nothing against Sephardim, the same way we have nothing against any Jews. Anyone who thinks we do is merely projecting their own feelings of animosity.

5. From everyone can be learned a lesson. Even a militant.

6. Point is, in this case, the people responsible for this massive Chilul Hashem are acting in a very racist manner, reminiscent of the actions of many in the south during the Jim Crow era. They are preventing their fellow Jews from attending their school, and making them feel like trash. The problem with these people is that for them, it's only a Chilul Hashem if it disgraces G-d in the eyes of their fellow Jews, not if it cause a similar reaction in the eyes of the nation. These people do not view chilonim or sephardim as being their fellow Jews, and thus they feel free to act in any which way they want in regard to them. Lubavitch, for all its many warts, is keenly aware of the way it is seen in the world, and is very quick to repair any media scandals that may come up- witness the way R. Manis Friedman was treated when his opinions on Israel were made known, or the way Weiss was immediately disassociated from Chabad.

On a dime

On Thursday evening at approximately 10:15 my wife and I got a ride to the Ohel with Yossi Shomer and his family (thanks Yisroel). Once there I did the traditional mikveh dip. While I was getting dressed I told my name to someone and that I was originally from Minnesota. This prompted a slightly older guy standing next to me to say, "Wait, are you originally from Milwaukee?" Turns out he had given a shiur in my house in Mequon twenty or so years ago. Pretty good memory, eh? After finishing up in the ritualarium it was off to the Ohel itself, fortunately relatively empty which allowed for much time spent in the actual Ohel.

Following a rousing discussion of "Should you wear a kapote on 11 Nissan?" we got home at around midnight or so. Proceeding to pack and clean, my wife and I discovered at approximately 2:20 that we were essentially ready to pack out. We figured that waiting until 3:00 as originally planned wasn't strictly necessary, so off we went, carrying a rolling duffel and two carry-ons each. Down the steps at Kingston station and onto a 4, getting off at Bowling Green and walking to South Ferry and onto a 1 train, which took us to Penn Station, we alertly looked at all the other people on the trains and wondered what they were wondering about us. Must have looked strange, I'll tell you that much.

Kudos to MTA for getting us to Penn at 3:35, but unfortunately New Jersey Transit doesn't open their doors until 4:00, so on the floor we waited. At exactly 4:00 I and a vast crowd (if fifty-odd people can be called "vast") sprinted over the yellow caution tape and streamed into the waiting room. I naturally assumed that they were making for the same place I was, namely the ticket vending machines, and I rejoiced in beating them all there. After buying our tickets I went back to help the wife with the luggage and found that in fact my fellow sprinters had not been going for the ticket machines but rather for the benches in the waiting area. Why they would queue for fifteen minutes in order to get a seat is beyond me, but I suppose this is NY...

We boarded the 4:17 to Trenton and three stops later, after several micro-dozes, we got off at the Newark airport station. Onto a waiting airtrain we did not go, because it was out of service, but the next proved more hospitable, and sooner than you could say "drank second mint snapple in twelve hours" we were on our way. Getting out at Terminal C we got into line by the ticket counter, and a short fifteen minutes later had deposited our luggage and were looking for Gate A28. Oh, really, Gate 28 is in terminal A? Makes sense. Back onto the airtrain we went...

After passing through security (wife perfunctorily checked by female TSA person called over especially for the purpose) we got to our gate, eight minutes before boarding. The plane took off on time, at 6:45. Remember, we had left our house at 2:30. The flight itself was uneventful- we came, we saw, we slept. We also squished, because we were flying on an EMR, variously translated as Embraer Regional Jet and Emergency Mobile Room. Be that as it may, it deposited us safely and securely at glorious MSP about half an hour later, and sooner than you could say, "My, what a pleasure it is to be back in the good 'ol Midwest, where people are friendly and don't smell as if they just emigrated from Djibouti" we were waiting for our baggage at baggage claim 12. And waited. And waited. Eventually (in our half-asleep state) we wondered when our luggage would arrive, and I got up to investigate. Taking a turn about the carousel I discovered our two bags, plus three others, waiting there pretty as blackberry pies. Seems like the service was a little too swift, eh?

After a brief restorative Breadsmith and Dunn Brothers run we got back to central headquarters, and the wife took a well deserved nap. After a lengthier-than-necessary pitstop at the local synagogue for morning prayers I did the same.

And that is how the west was won.

Options

I had a phone conversation with one of the persons I was talking about in the previous two posts, and since this whole thing has played out so nicely online and in public, it wouldn't feel right to withhold from y'all the fruits of my telephony. Of course there was contrition and promises to do better in the future, but whether this means anything is not up to me- only the cook can prevent the chili from being burned, as it were.

The main thought I had coming from the conversation was how the point I wanted to get across wasn't. Instead of a discussion of right and wrong, good and evil, Mac and PC, what we got was a discussion on the fiery pits of hell awaiting some people and the eternal excision of the soul awaiting others. Look, I know that having a belief of reward and punishment is fundamental to our religion, and indeed in this case it's particularly pertinent, but I just don't think that someone over the age of twenty one is going to change their behavior based on their fear of eternal damnation. Face it, they know what the books say, they claim to believe what the books say, and yet, at the end of the day, do they really care? I would argue that they don't.

What a person does care about, what a person does feel, is their own personal responsibility and their own principles. If a person believes that what they're doing is wrong, and cares about their own beliefs, then they'll stop. If they don't stop, then obviously they don't really care, but again, what I wanted from this conversation was a discussion on this person's own beliefs, not of some future reward and punishment.

Oh well, I'm sure there'll be plenty of chances in the future.

Still included

The following was written two years ago, and it's quite pertinent, and anyway, the original only got two comments, so...

Today, like all days, is a very special day. Exactly 20 years ago the Lubavitcher Rebbe finished saying Kaddish for his wife, the Rebbitzen. And the Chasidish Bochurim in LA finally got some sleep. See, the Rebbe's Davening would be played in the Zal for all those Bochurim who wanted to hear it. In New York, it wasn't so tough. After all, the Rebbe would begin prayers at 10:00. Yes, I understand that there was a whole goral thing going on for admittance, but even if you didn't luck out, you could still listen without too much effort. Rabbi Wolfman in Morristown told us of his days in Yeshiva, in Morristown, that he had a room mate who would Daven Shacharis, in the room, while the Rebbe was Davening Mincha, which was played over the PA in the whole campus. Later this guy became an Elokist. That's why I'm not mentioning any names. Rabbi Wolfman theorized that he went crazy because he would be Davening to G-d, hearing the Rebbe, and mix up the two. But that's just a theory. Anyway, back to those brave Bochurim in LA, so yeah, they had to be in Zal at 7:00 AM. And to hear the Rebbe Davening without going to Mikve first? Horrors. By the way, I wasn't in LA in those years. More's the pity. I was a mere tyke of two. Anyway, once the Rebbe finished up the year, those Bochurim, like CCL, could get some more sleep.

Speaking of sleep, last night I didn't get enough. But what of it? The really annoying thing was that I was falling asleep for Korbanos through the 18 Benedictions, but once I got to Tachanun I was fine. It's annoying because 1. I wouldn't have Davened the beginning so quickly,and 2. Now even if I tried I wouldn't be able to sleep.

The reason I didn't get enough sleep is because last night I picked up a book called, "The Cantonists." It's one of the most terrible things I've ever read, especially contrasted with this week's Parsha. Both featured horrible Goyim, which is something I've come to expect. The abuse that these (literally) babies went through is more than I can comprehend. Most of us would collapse after two or three birch canings. These guys took 1000 and kept their faith. But yeah, as I said, I've come to expect this kind of treatment from Goyim. After all, as the holy books say Eisav Sonei Yisrael. What's really disturbing is what the Jews did. In Egypt, the taskmasters would let themselves be beaten so as to avoid whipping their fellow Jews. In Russia, many Jews made a business of capturing children. The official community establishment itself would help these people commit their nefarious crimes. I don't have the patience to describe all the horrors that occurred in that generation, so get the book yourselves. It's important for us to know why we have to hate the whole world. Or something like that.

Yes we can

As many people by now know, I spent a year on Shlichus at MyYeshiva in Cottage Grove, MN. There haven't been that many Bochurim to come through the yeshiva, and even fewer Shluchim, but that's okay, because MyYeshiva wasn't established to be a place for the masses. Sure, it would be nice for the Yeshiva to have lots of kids, but that's really not what it's there for. The Yeshiva is there for the kids who might otherwise slip through the cracks, the kids who would be one and done at a cookie-cutter Yeshiva. I've never been in another Yeshiva where literally every member of the staff spends hours agonizing about each kid.

What's the issue then? The issue is that, without some serious help, MyYeshiva will close down. This would not be a good thing. What do I expect my fellow bloggers to do? Well, I hardly expect anyone to give some of the $620,000 that is needed to keep MyYeshiva afloat, but I'm sure everyone can think of something they can help with. For some people, that might mean joining the "Save MyYeshiva" thingie on FB, while for others it might mean not writing snarky comments on this here post (a difficult task, I know).

For more info, read the following links:

Yeshiva Blues-American Jewish News

Saving Yeshiva High-The Pioneer Press

Twin Cities Media, Citizens, Help To Save Minnesota Yeshiva-Lubavitch.com

Inyanim

I had thought to continue my recent practice of commenting on the day's Torah portion, but though I had many questions while learning it I didn't encounter anything that was bloggable. Instead I'll relate a few matters which have been percolating in my mind over the last few days.

1. I spoke to a shadchan regarding a friend of mine a few days ago, and at the end of our comversation she said something along the lines of, "I give you a brocha that when it's time for you to go through this you should have-" At this point I interupted her and said, "Actually, I already-", at which point she interupted me, saying, "What? You're ready?" in an extremely excited voice. I hated to disillusion her, but these these things must be done, so I said, "Oh, no sorry, I was saying that I'm already married." She gave a very disappointed "Oh." to that one.

2. Today, after much annoyance and heartache, not to mention schlepping, I managed to get the rest of our shtuff toiveled. le7 is quite happy.

3. I would just like to point out to all the Lubavitch drivers of fancy SUVs that when the pedestrian has the right of way, and you come screaming through your turn, looking for all the world as if your going to cross paths with him, he will stop. Just because the pedestrian has the right of way doesn't mean he's suicidal. Now, if you stop, the pedestrian will begin to excercise his rights once again and cross the street. This is not, repeat not, a good time to honk at him and gesture rudely through your window. Just saying.

Charity saves

There are many people who ask for money in Crown Heights. Some of them work in stores and give items in exchange for the money they expect you to hand them. Sometimes these items are even worth the price. There are many other people in Crown Heights who ask for money in exchange for the chance to win thousands of dollars. Most of these people run what are known as "Chinese Auctions". Some of them are from Williamsburg. Unlike the store people mentioned above, these inquirers rarely give anything in exchange for your money. Still, there's always the promise of filthy lucre, which is not to be sneered at.

We now come to that most honorable class of money makers, the schnorrer. 770 is filled with these people, and most of them are rather harmless. Sure, they'll give you dirty looks once in a while, but all in all they're happy when you give 'em the odd quarter. It's always embarrassing to be saying Rambam on an iPod Touch and to say you have no money on you, but it's true! If only these people carried credit cards around...

There are two schnorrers in Crown Heights who I do not particularly like. One is the woman who sits next to the dreidel by the Jewish Children's Museum and insults passers-by who fail to make a contribution. Though this makes for great street theater, and is undoubtedly a source of entertainment for the women herself (who wouldn't like coming up with innovative curses with which to shame the masses?), it's also very sad and a bit disturbing.

The other guy I really don't like goes around saying, "Give Tezadaka please" with this curious sing-song that suggests intense boredom and a desire to appear as if the money's not needed by him. About three months ago I heard from someone that he's a really big nebach, as he's a CH druggie, which answered one question of mine (why didn't he just get a job, like the rest of humanity?) and brought up another, (why should I give him a penny?)

Shmuelie Gourarie, why are you here?

Two things.

1. I'm one of those people who don't mind leading services for the congregation on occasion, and normally this goes off without a hitch. A couple weeks ago, I lead the evening services in the big 770, and while I was waiting around for people to finish their personal devotional services so that I could commence the Kaddish, I was criticized by several members of the congregation for my speedy rendition of the prayers. I'm not one to respond to criticism of this sort, so I merely shrugged my shoulders and half-smiled. Sensing fresh blood in the water, they pounced, and started telling me how terrible I was (or something like that). Eventually I escaped, and lived to tell the tale.

In my defense, this particular quorum of people had been waiting around for five minutes, and I had declined to lead the prayers several times, on account of my recitation of the daily Ramabm (to head off any advance at the pass, it was the laws of the sanctification of the new moon, and there's no way I'm learning that without a shiur and coffee). Eventually I got fed up (and finished Rambam), and agreed to pray for the assembled masses, to (at the time) great acclaim. Point is, these people wanted me to daven, and it's really not my problem that their own benedictions flowed like molasses in January (admittedly, I davened faster than one would Neilah on Yom Kippur, but still, it's not like I was pulling off a ten minute shacharis [obviously, it was maariv] or something like that). I felt rather put out at the time, but got over it, and am now a better man because of it.

Last night a similar thing happened. There were a number of people waiting for a leader to take them to the promised land, and after I finished up a conversation with an esteemed employee of Chabad.org I volunteered to lead the services. Learning from my previous mistake, I davened nice and slow, allowing everyone to take a couple yawns between paragraphs, and once I had seven or eight people waiting who had finished the silent standing I began "Sanctified and Hallowed be His Name." Soon after, while still saying Joshua's prayer (they always get you when you can't respond, eh?), I was assaulted by a man in black who demanded to know why I had begun Kaddish before I had enough people.

This time I managed to respond, and I told him that where I come from (good 'ol S. Paul), we say the Kaddish prayer when there are six people able to respond. Here there were definitely more. He said something about nine people, but I'll take Rabbi Z's word over his any day. He then launched into a whole thing about "sizing up the situation" which I felt was completely unnecessary, and finally let me go home when I gave him a non-committal grunt. Sheesh.

2. I saw a friend of mine, who recently went off to become a Shliach in southern California, in 770 this morning. I saw another friend of mine (undoubtedly looking for shlichus) and asked him why this other guy was in town. He said, "It used to be that when a guy suddenly appeared in 770 you didn't ask questions...". I answered that this was a very policy, and one which I strongly promoted, but it didn't cover the current situation. I continued that we couldn't even compare this case to that of Los Cabos, because there's no reason to suspect that the hospitals in Los Angeles are in any way inferior to those of New York. In fact, seeing as this person's wife is from Los Angeles, it wouldn't make any sense for them to come to Brooklyn for that reason. So, what's the story?

At least it was warm

You know what happens when you listen to your mashpia? I'll tell you what happens: You end up looking like a complete dork for wearing your kapote on Yud Kislev. "Why is this?" you ask. Because there's a total of four other people wearing Kapotes in 770, and two of them look like they haven't used their brains in four decades.

You know, I don't mind being holier than thou, but there comes a point where it looks more like you're out of your mind than being holy. Think about it-it's really holy to learn chassidus for six hours and then daven, but if you're putting on Rabbeinu Tam Tefillin during Rabbeinu Tam Shekia? No one thinks you're holy, they just think you're nuts.

In summation: just because you're mashpia wears a kapote on Yud Kislev in yeshiva, where no one else is wearing one anyway and it looks cool, doesn't mean you should.

In other news, N G asked me to mention him and his blog. I agreed, but only if I could savage it, because you know, I don't just give out links for free. Seriously, I don't. So I was going to ridicule someone he mentioned this week, R' Shimshon Ostropolier, but it turns out he's a holy dude, so I couldn't do that. This guy, Rabbi Yosef Chaim Sonnenfeld, on the other hand, looks like he could be fun...