Ponderings

On Yom Kippur one year the services were going swimmingly. So splashy were they (in the Lipa sense) that the Rabbi was sufficiently moved to loudly declare, "Oh G-d, you are so great, and I am nothing!" The entire congregation was duly impressed by their Rabbi's pronouncement, and commenced to pray with renewed concentration and vigor. Seeing the stir that the rabbi had caused, the cantor raised his voice and proclaimed, "Oh L-rd who dwells most high, and I am but dust and ashes!" The entire congregation was once again moved at this great show of piety, and their tears rent the very heavens with their intense sincerity.

The president of the shul was aroused by these two expressions of humility, and when he sensed an appropriate time in the liturgy he lifted up his voice and said, "Almighty G-d, how can I pray to you, I who am less than the most insignificant flea!"

The Rabbi turned to the cantor with a sneer and said, "Look who thinks he's a nothing."
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Cute, eh? The question occurred to me, as I thought upon this joke, who would be the funnier third caller, the president of the shul or the gabbai? After all, the president is the boss of the rabbi and the cantor, so naturally there'd be some friction in that direction. Usually, that friction is born of religious matters, and so when the president proclaims his religious devotions there's bound to be cynicism on the part of the religious leaders. Another explanation could be that the president of a synagogue is normally its most prestigious member, and so his religious protestations could be interpreted as a "keeping up with the Joneses" type thingamajiggie.

But then we come to the humble gabbai. Or maybe even the shammes? Both are truly nothings, hounded by administration and congregants alike, the traditional butts of much Jewish humor. In this case, the rabbi and cantor are somethings who proclaim their nothingness, but the nothing? He can't proclaim it, because who does he think he is?

Vos vet zein

What will be when moshiach comes with minyanim? I mean, what's going to be in the third temple? For some very strange reason, I feel like I've blogger about this very topic before, but I can't seem to find the relevant post. Regardless, it's an interesting topic. The Korban Tamid Shel Shachar was of course offered early in the morning, and I don't see why that should change when the messiah shows up. Apparently then those who daven vasikin will be praying alongside the morning sacrifice, which I suppose might be seen as a good thing. They'll have to pack out for their daf yomi shiur once they're finished, which will be perfect, because it'll give the chassidim a chance to roll in for chassidus and mezonos faren davenen. I'm not sure whether they'll actually serve mezonos in the temple itself, or if someone will have to open a concession stand right outside the walls. I'm thinking a Dunkin Donuts, but Gombos will do in a pinch. The chagas chassidim will show up about the time the Lubavitchers are starting shacharis, but of course they'll have to go to the mikveh and shvitz first, so we'll have to arrange a later time slot for them. On days when there's a mussaf offering things might get a little crowded, what with the chareidim staying late and all, but hopefully the yekkes will be running the show, elsewise the Mussaf will drag on forever and things will really start to fill up. The ketores will always be a popular event, with all the Carlebachians trying to get a sniff, though of course they'll probably be disappointed when they learn that marijuana is not actually an ingredient therein. No one quite knows what will happen with the tzfatim, but you can be sure they'll make themselves heard.

Mincha will of course be a bit complicated, with major fights erupting over when it should be brought, and some people trying to extend it as late as possible. Maariv will be simple as pie- just keep the flame burning bright, and we should all be fine. Those wanting to do tikkun chatzos might be disturbed by the late night farbrengens, but at least there's that whole water system to clean up in the morning. And the best news is, SMR will be directing the slaughtering, and he won't even have to worry about under-age kohanim either!

Healthy Advice

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product. Everything in moderation

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
B: Sex is very good exercise, good for many things, not only for pleasure.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!? again eating everything in moderation. you are what you eat.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

1-800 GEDOLIM

I was getting a ride home from kapores with a devoted reader of this blog and we got to talking about this, that, and the other. He mentioned that the "gedolim" have begun advocating that people stop going to Tashlich on Rosh Hashanah itself because of all the mingling between the sexes that occurs. In fact, he said, some have suggested that it would be better to forego Tashlich altogether rather than possibly induce cross-genderal contamination.

I got to thinking (dangerous, I know), and came up with a new idea for PETA. I've heard that they are running a campaign in New York this year "Gelt, not guilt", but it seems to me that they're going about it all the wrong way. What kind of frum Jew is going to allow a bunch of liberals snot-faces to determine what kind of religious things, no matter how odd, he practices? However, if PETA were to infiltrate the religious community and convince the gedolim that kapores posed a tznius risk... After all, not only do many men and women come in contact with each other, but it sometimes happens that men hold females (chickens) and women hold males (chickens)! What a shandeh!

SOS from London

Help! I'm stuck in London, and I've just had all my possessions taken off me by a vicious (and, dare I say, viscous) squid that was attached to a computer's arm by a large hard drive. Anyway, as I was saying, I'm getting married in a little over two weeks, and I'd love to be there for it, but if I don't get four thousand dollars from you wired to my account now then I might just not be able to. Which would seriously stink.

Listen, I know that many of you are probably skeptical of this. Let me be the first to say that if I was you (which I'm not, thank the one above) I'd also be intensely skeptical. But please, hear me out. What happened was this. I signed up for a facebook account, and I was immediately transported to London. I don't know either. All I do know is that after a few moments of wishing I was traveling on British Airways I landed on top of the London Eye, and then immediately plunged onto the Millennium Dome, which doesn't exist anymore. I immediately realized this, and promptly fell into the nothingness that is now there. All right, that's not true. But the rest id I promise!

Anyway, I hit the roof of the O2, and then rolled off it and into the arms of the squid. I was quite surprised, because most squid don't have arms, but this one did. Don't believe me? Your loss. Actually, it was my loss, because that squid took all my earthly possessions, not to mention my ashes, which were floating above earth with Gene Roddenberry and three hundred carburetors.

So there I was, penniless, alone, in London, redundant tautology, and I didn't even have a tuna sandwich. What would I do? Where could I go? What could I do? Where could I go?

After ruminating over these thoughts for a while I decided to give my hungry mind a rest and decided to turn to you, my faithful facebook friend, in the hopes of quick salvation at your hands. Credit card. Same difference.

Good. So you want to help me get home? Just click here....

Misunderstood

How do you know if you're battling demons? Do they politely knock on your door and, armed with calling cards and blueberry pies, begin to demonize? And how about these personal demons we're always hearing about? Is it more classy to have personal ones than public ones?Are personal demons more demonic than others? And how do you arrange to have personal demons? Can you order them from your local pizza- delivering system together with a pepperoni and extra cheese? Or is it perhaps a specialized system, with a special board set up to determine who should get what. And what happens to these demons when they're gotten rid of? Do they get recycled, or maybe they're sent out to pasture? And what would a pasture for demons look like? What do demons enjoy? I mean, besides demonizing. One would assume that they enjoy demonizing. Or perhaps they don't have very high job satisfaction? Has anyone ever done a study of this? Because I think someone should. If we only knew what was going on in the minds of demons (another study: do demons have minds?) then we could really learn to integrate them much better into society. Because really, demons are, for lack of a better word, demonized. What did they ever do to you? Have you ever battled your personal demons? And if you did, whose fault was it? Who caused those personal demons to come anyway? And even if you did have a good excuse, who said you had to do battle? Why can't we all just get along?

So anyway, as I was saying, how do you know that you're battling demons? After all, maybe they're really angels in disguise? All the time you see retired athletes desperate for someone to pay attention to 'em talking on some lovey-dovey television show about how they battled their personal demons (ahh, is that it? If you're a rich athlete, you get personal demons?) and are now stronger for them. Or else broke. Or both. Point is, if they're stronger because of these personal demons, then they were never demons anyway! They were just angels in disguise! That's right folks, you heard it on TRS first: alcohol, drugs, gambling, dog-fighting, whatever it is-all angels in disguise!

In fact, maybe all demons are angels? All right, probably not. For every guy out there who got saved there's thousands who died fighting their demons, or else they just got really sozzled at every opportunity, or whatever it was. So I think that what we've got here is a case of racial profiling. Sure, there are bad demons out there, but there are also good ones! And the demons have been demonized by the media. Yup, it's all the right-wing media's fault. Jerks. Just like it's wrong to paint all Jews as money-loving criminal-minded cabal-participating circumcision-inflicting bar-mitzvah-ultra-hyphenating jc-killing monsters sent by satan himself (yeah, his budget was cut, he had to fire his executive assistant and lower the temps in hell by a few degrees [did we mention that satan is now running hell in an environmentally conscious manner?] and in addition stop serving doughnuts) to pester the world for all time and space, so too is it wrong to portray all demons as being evil. Rather, they're in general a pretty good bunch, but some are bad apples. Or maybe, because they're demons, the good ones are the bad apples, and the bad ones are granny smiths. I don't know what standard's demons are held to. Another interesting idea for a post-doctoral thesis.

Dear TRS: Happy?

That's right folks, it's time for another exciting edition of Dear TRS, the quiz show you get to play along with too! Enjoy.
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Dear TRS: Why have you become all holy lately?

Sincerely,

Karl

Dear Karl,

Censorship is an interesting phenomenon. Some people are censored by the government, others by their own conscience, others by their own lack of restraint. The punishment for trying to avoid censorship varies as well. In some places the attitude is one of benevolent allowance-try us as much as you want, ain't nothing getting through... but ten points for trying! In other places they not only control what you say but punish you for trying to say it. In those places it's, "What? You dare trifle with me? Guards, go break his legs!" Neither of these approaches really accomplishes what it is that the censor is trying to effect-his job is not simply to remove objectionable material, but rather to remove the conditions that allow for the material to ever get to him in the first place. All right, if the censor is just looking for entertainment then he can have plenty of that with the status quo, but then he's not really the ideal censor. No, what you're really looking for is a guy who can convince the producer of the objectionable material that what he's doing is wrong. Not illegal, but wrong. And yeah, I know it's asking a lot of a pencil pusher sitting in some anonymous government highrise somewhere in the middle of the bible belt to radically affect some radical hippy cross-dressing dudes wearing floral print dresses and floppy straw hats with little pins that say "Free Tibet!" on 'em to make much of a difference, but trust me, it is possible. How do they do it, this select band of censors with soul, this prized group of bowdlerizers with the breath of divine life flowing through their parched bones (for how can a person whose whole being is dedicated to the muzzling of their fellows have anything but the driest of Ezekiel valley special?), these suppressionists with a sense of mission, a belief in the ultimate goal that has eluded so many?

The answer is very simple. Guilt.
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Dear TRS: Why do they use phones to call in guys from the bullpen? Wouldn't texting be much easier?

Sincerely,

Snert

Dear Snert,

Even better, they could tweet it! Just imagine, the manager tweets, "@Orlando Mercado Joe Mauer just walked, we need @Darren Oliver in here pronto!" And the tweet back? "@Mike Scioscia the fireman cometh!"
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Dear TRS: Is there any specific reason why the Twins had to blow the game tonight?

Sincerely,

Joe and Jason

Dear Joe and Jason,

Well, you two certainly did everything that could be expected of you. It's been a tough road trip, eh?
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Dear TRS: Why the heck does Iran have twelve vice presidents?

Sincerely,

Karl (again)

Dear Karl,

The president must have a lot of vices.
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Dear TRS: Since when did it become socially acceptable to roll hoops?

Sincerely,

Mackenzi Van Engelenhoven

Dear Mackenzi Van Engelenhoven, let me first tell you that I really appreciate your question. No, really, I do.
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Dear TRS:

I'm very insulted if my name doesn't appear at least twice in every publication in America,

Sincerely,

Barack H. Obama
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Dear Mr. Obama, happy?
_____________
And that folks is the end of the line. Did you enjoy playing the quiz show you get to play along with too?

Chossanim versus drivers

Today I started Chosson classes. Exciting, eh? Anyway, it got me thinking about the last time I paid a lot of money for a small amount of classes-driver's ed. And wouldn't you know it, but they're not quite the same! Here's a few examples...

In chosson class you don't spend a third of the time watching Monty Python skits.

There are no seventeen year old girls wearing nothing in chosson class.

In drivers ed the instructor doesn't have a massive beard.

There's no learner's permit to get after taking chosson classes.

In drivers ed, the diagrams are there to tell you what to do.

In chosson classes, there are no videos.

No one leaves drivers ed thinking, "OMG, this is nuts!"

No one leaves chosson classes thinking, "Just a couple of hours of practice and I'll be good to go."

During the breaks in drivers ed people discuss what they just learned.

In drivers ed they also talk about you, the driver.

No one leaves driver's ed thinking, "Way too much detail there thank you very much."
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Have some of your own? Post 'em in the comments!

The bungalow

This past shabbos I was perusing a periodical of dubious origins (if I recall correctly it was Mishpacha) when my sister directed me to look at the advertisement on the back cover. It was for a Boro Park electronics store, and featured two "packing lists", one for the bungalow and one for camp. Besides for the fact that both lists were absolutely ridiculous (you might as well stay home if you need half of what they suggest) there were a couple of items which struck us as being rather funny.

In the camp section they have "video-less iPod" or something like that. This is itself is not funny, and actually makes quite a bit of sense. After all, we wouldn't want little Yoely watching Prison Break, would we? What is funny is that in the bungalow list it says "DVD player (for rainy days and the van ride)". So it's not okay for little Yoely to watch Prison Break, but little Suri can?

Ahh, they can only watch on rainy days. Does G-d not care if you watch movies when it rains? Oh, I get it! G-d can't see through the clouds!

Of course, this still leaves us with the issue of car journeys- after all, it says in the Shema "uv'lechtecha baderech"? Perhaps when travelling the DVD player can only be used for Jewish movies like Schindler's List and The Little Mermaid.

So once you're in your bungalow colony with your four thousand dollars of electrical shtuff the question arises, "How do I safeguard all my electrical shtuff?" The answer of course is that you shouldn't bring any of it to the bungalow colony but instead should leave it at home. But who's going to watch it at your house? Your husband of course! And this way, he can use the DVD player the whole week (he's lonely without his family). But what about on the weekends when he drives up to be with his beloved family? He can bring all the equipment with him! But how will he watch DVDs (after all, it was purchased with travelling in mind)? He can go up with a friend! This way, not only will one of them be able to drive while the other watches, but they'll be saving the environment too, thus potentially qualifying for tax rebates!

As you can see, Boro Park electronics stores have your best interests at heart, so go patronize them today! And don't forget little Yoely maybe you can buy him a used carburetor or something to make up for the video-less iPod.

Uncle Moishe visits his therapist

Hello Uncle Moishe.

Hello Mr. Therapist.

What seems to be the problem Uncle Moishe?

I feel very unsatisfied with my work.

Really? You don't feel fulfilled helping little kinderlach learn their mivtzos?

After you've been doing this for long enough you realize it's all-I mean, I've been singing for these kids on stage for what, thirty years now, and every generation turns out worse than the last. What a bunch of brats.

So you mean that you've been working hard for many years and you don't see any results?

Are you kidding me? I've given my heart and soul to these little pipsqueaks, and what thanks do I get? None at all.

So you feel like no one is appreciative of all your work?

And worst of all are these "miztva men" of mine.

Why, what's wrong with them?

Have you ever seen the way they act? It's crazy. All the adults love them, because they can tell a joke or two-and who do you think wrote the jokes?

You?

No, but that's not the point. The point is that I'm working my tail off here, and what have I gotten for it?

A sterling reputation?

Not even that. Everyone just thinks I'm an old creep.

Well, that is understandable, isn't it? I mean, older men who prance around on stage wearing silly costumes and kiddie songs for six year olds?

Am I any different than, for example, Moses?

Moses?

Yeah, Moses.

What about Moses?

Well, he was eighty when he started leading the Jewish people, wasn't he? And I bet he looked pretty funny in his robe, and yet what do they call him?

Moses?

Exactly. And what am I?

Uncle Moishe.

You see the difference?

Not exactly.

Well, I'll tell you the difference. Moses is dignified and honorable. Uncle Moishe sounds like a guy who rooted for the New York Giants before they left for San Fransisco and liked sauerkraut with his hamburgers.

Do you like sauerkraut with your hamburgers?

What kind of insulting question is that? You think you're my dietician or something?

Do you have a dietician?

Of course! How else do you think I stay in such great shape?

Um, I hate to break it to you, but....

What are you saying now?

Listen, you're certainly a shape, but I'm not sure if you fit into any recognized ones.

What are you trying to say now?

OK, forget I said anything, let's move on. What else is bothering you?

My beard.

Your beard is bothering you?

Yes.

What exactly about your beard bothers you?

The color.

Ahh, you don't like having a white beard.

Exactly.

What's wrong with having a white beard?

Nothing. Except that when you're dancing around on stage like a fifteen year old it's nice to have a beard that fits the part.

So why don't you do something about it?

What do you suggest?

Liposuction?

Huh?

Sorry, that was just a joke. Why don't you dye it?

Because I'm not a faker.

What do you mean by that?

I'm not a faker. I don't lie, connive, cheat, misrepresent, etc.

Ahh. You're a truthful individual.

Correct.

In that case, goodbye.

That's it?

That's it.

Kindly thoughts are appreciated

Tonight is the fortieth night of the omer. That's a lot of nights. Moses was on top of a mountain three times for this many days and nights. Not a blintz passed through his lips, nor the slightest draught of Appletizer. One can assume that he was a bit hungry.

What happened when he came down the mountain? Did he eat and drink? I think not. In fact, he fed others before himself! All right, so it probably didn't taste so good, but hey, how many people can say they've eaten golden ashes or the ashes of gold or whatever? Must have been quite the treat.

And what happened after that? Back up the mountain did our hero trudge, and whilst there he engaged in some epic battle with the big blue dodger (Brooklyn) in the sky. Forty days later, down he came, and one can only hope that he got a square meal for his efforts, or at least some man. Mun. Man is illegal.

Yup, this Moses guy was a character all right. You know who else was a character? Abraham. This guy slaughters three cows for their tongues, and no one even eats them! And does he complain? Shoot, if three people came to my house, pretended to eat my food and drink my drink, and then started with some craziness about a ninety year old women giving birth, I know what I'd say. And it wouldn't be, "Please sir, may I have another?"

But there you go, our forefathers sure were swell. Not to forget our foremothers of course. They had some good shtuff going for them too.
Take, for example, Leah. Here she is, tears all cried out, and what does she care about?Some dudaim. This woman is trying to beautify her home, to make it a mikdash me'at. Incredible.

Who else is there in our pantheon of Jewish heroes? How about the women in the Taz's town who put a salted goose on top of an unsalted goose in a vessel without egress entrances and then put salt on top of the whole shebang. Some people might think to suggest that the whole bottom goose is forbidden, but my friends, you and I know better. At the worst only the part of the goose which became submerged in brine would be forbidden, but even that's questionable (hat tip the Shach for some incisive commentary on this one).

Yes folks, this has been the kind of selfless dedication to Judaism that has kept us as a people around for as long as we've been around (nearly half an hour at last count!). But is that all? I think not.

Enter the princes of the tribes, and specifically Zimri Ben Salu of the Simon tribe (made large and numerous in second temple days) who had the incredible self-sacrifice to challenge Moses (remember him? The guy who didn't eat) and stand up for his dues-paying tribal members. These poor guys were in danger of being gededed, and what did Zimri get for his pains? A spear thrust through him. And not only him, but some princess too. Sheesh, talk about a raw deal.

But that's what these Simonites seem to have gotten a lot of. Did they get blessed by Jacob? No sirree! How about by Moses? You kidding me? Did they even get some decent land in the land of Israel? Can you say "scattered among the Judases"? And let's face it, those Judah people had their own issues. All right, I can buy that David didn't sin with Bathsheba, but look where he's coming from? And where he's going too-I mean, would you, as a father, be proud of your son who raped his sister? What a guy, what a guy. And yet David is the progenitor of the Messiah. Crazy.

So how's that for a little history? Stay tuned for tommorow night's foray into geopolitical consultation (don't dissapoint us again Bibi!) and painting (Monet-good, Manet? You decide). And that's all there is to it. Just a little pinch here, a little pinch there, and you can convert a genuine case of writer's block into nine paragraphs of absolute nothingness. If that doesn't take talent, then I don't know what does.

Chummus and whitefish too!

There seems to be an inherent desire to read someone else's view about what we've experienced. Often this recap will not only tell us what we've seen but will shape our own opinion; sometimes we'll argue, but more often than not we'll think that the writer's vision is the truth, and not merely one man's interpretation.

This past shabbos was, as I'm sure you all know, a shabbaton for nearly all the bochurim currently learning issar v'heter in the holy confines of the Rabbinical College of America. Several people have asked me what I wrote about the shabbos, and until now I've had to tell them "nothing." I've explained this curious lack of commentary on the past week's day of rest by saying that in fact there really wasn't too much to write. Which is true. At the same time, of course, it is shocking to suggest that Rabbi Chaim Schapiro spoke for several hours without saying anything, so I'll try to pass on a few of the snippets I recall.

There was once a guy who came to stay at some guy's house in a foreign village for shabbos. After shabbos was over the guest was prepared to leave, but the host begged and pleaded him to stay for just one more night. The guest, being a kind and compassionate fellow, acquiesced to his host's request, and he stayed there for motzei shabbos. The same thing happened the next night, and the next night, and...

On Thursday morning the guest finally prepared to leave, and his host presented him with an itemized bill! The guest was shocked, and complained vociferously at this treatment. The host said, "Hey, you came to stay for shabbos; who asked you to stay for another five days?" The guest of course pointed out that the host had told him to stay, but the host would not budge from his position, and eventually they ended up in front of a rav.

After thinking the matter over thoroughly the rav ruled that the guest had to pay the bill. The guest was understandably shocked, but he was even more shocked when his host told him not to bother paying! The guest asked, "I don't get it. First you insist on me paying, and go to a beis din, and have the case adjudicated in your favor, and then when you finally have the oppurtunity to take the money, you say you don't want it! What gives?"

The host answered, "Look, I showed you everything our town had to offer while you were here, I also wanted to show you what kind of rav we have!"
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What's the point? The point is that as soon as a bochur is done learning he must get married. In other words, a bochur must continue learning until he gets married.

What happens after you finish smicha (in the eyes of the world)? You get to make a decision. Either you can learn in 770, or waste time in 770, or go work in a yeshiva somewhere, or go work for a Shliach, or...

In the vast majority of cases, working for a Shliach equals flipping the Rebbe's burgers. It's impossible that a bochur who's hired to do shlichus work in Wyoming (for example) is going to have shlichus work to do twenty four hours a day. You think people don't have jobs? You
think people are available to learn with you every evening? They have lives! Don't think though that you'll be bored. The Shliach will find plenty for you to do. You can babysit his kids, you can take his car in for an oil change, you can flip his burgers.

Some people say, "Oh, I'll bring a friend, and when we have nothing to do we'll learn!" Right. When it's six in the evening and you've done whatever, the first thing you're going to do is open up a bava metzia, right?

So what's a bochur supposed to do? Learn in 770 (or somewhere). And if he says, "But I know I'm not going to learn in 770!"? Tell him to learn in 770. "But I know I'm not going to!" Go learn. Very simple. Ain davar ha'omed bifnei haratzon and all that. Listen, if it's really true, you really won't learn, and you're not willing to make yourself learn, then go ahead, get a job in a yeshiva teaching. After all, in order to teach, you must learn. But to stam waste your time?
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2. Learn Rambam every day. Not Sefer Hamitzvos, that's for veiber and kind. You have to learn three or one perek. Every day.
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3. A successful Shliach isn't someone who knows the latest sports score. He's someone who has tochen. The guy who comes to your chabad house doesn't need another friend, another drinking buddy. He wants someone who knows what he's talking about.

There's a story about the countess of Miami who used to go to Mulla Azimov's shiur. Her countess friends asked her, "How can you go to his class?His French is horrendous!" She answered, "If I wanted to hear French, I wouldn't go to Mulla. I want to hear Torah, I go to Mulla."

Traumatize this!

As far as memory serves, Little Red Riding Hood ended up being eaten by the big bad wolf. Or maybe she was threatened by the wolf, but then she was saved by the hunter? I really don't recall. Either way, she probably didn't have such a wonderful life. Either she's slowly being digested by a large carnivorous beast, or she probably ends up marrying some guy who's thirty years older than she is. Ok, twenty.

Cinderella was also an interesting person. At least she got to live happily ever after. That must be nice to know that things are going to be happy ever after. More typical is that someone thinks they'll be happy forever, and they don't realize that real life ain't like that for six months or something. Or else they go into it knowing that all they have to look forward to is a veil of tears. Which is worse, to be happily deluded for a short period of time, only to have those hopes cruelly dashed on the monstrous boulders of reality, or to go in with no idealism, no hope, no dream of a better future, but also no crushing defeat at the opening of the shaded eyes? It's a good question, no?

This brings us to the fascinating story of Hansel and Gretel. The real question is, who is to blame, their father or step-mother? Or maybe their real mother, the witch? After all, if she hadn't divorced their father, or refused custody of the children, she would never have had to lure them into her forest hideout and try out some major Jerusalem mother behaviour. All right, so the facts I've presented to you here
don't fit the sorry? Isn't that what being a member of the media is all about?

Snow White had issues too. Often people don't understand how difficult it must have been to live with seven dwarfs. Not only was their house probably way too small for her, but you have to remember that some of them had major personality issues. Truth be told, they probably all did. Narcolepsy is a personality issue, no? So is narcissism.

Sleeping Beauty also had her strong points. I'm not quite sure what they were, but she certainly had them. I mean, no one I know has ever been kisssed by a prince. Truth be told, I really don't ever want to be kissed by a prince. Do you?

When you thought it couldn't get any worse...

After last night's amazing success I thought that for tonight's encore I'd present "TRS and the devil", otherwise known as the "Post-Modern Prosthesis", subtitled, "Stupid people predominate: a study of the occult practices as practiced in the environs of nowhere in particular."

In other news, I heard a cute joke yesterday.

A trucker pulled into a rest stop cafe type place one day and ordered a slice of pizza, a Caesar salad, and a diet coke. Just before he was about to begin contemplating the commencement of eating activities three Harley Davidsons roared into the parking lot and three Hell's Angels walked into the restaurant. They quickly assessed the situation, and one went over and said, "Say, that looks like a swell pizza, I think I'll eat it." He promptly took the pizza from the surprised truck driver person. The second motorcycle rider then walked over to the trucker and he said, "Hey, I've been on a diet lately, I could really do with that Caesar salad." After he had finished saying this he took the salad. The third rider, not to be outdone, dispensed with the fancy locquacions and just took the diet coke.

The driver, realizing that the odds were stacked against him, went up to the cashier, paid his bill, and walked out. The three angels of hell burst into laughter and started saying, "Wow, what a sissy, that guy is not a man, ha ha ha (etc)." The cashier called out, "You guys are so right. Not only is this guy not a man, but be can't even drive properly. When he was pulling out from the lot he ran three motorbikes right over!"
----
OK folks, that's all I have for you tonight. Tomorrow night should be a Dear TRS, but I'm hoping to have something even better.

Rainy Days

You know what rain does to the iPod Touch? Not good things. Here's a pre-made maamar instead, originally published on November 12, 2007, entitled Here's your religion. Enjoy.

All righty then, here's your daily religious dose. It's from a Maamar that was said by the Rebbe Rashab in 1898. Basically, the Yetzer Hora is not essentially bad. The reason we know this is because before the first sin (the one with the tree) man was created with two drives, one towards Chessed, kindness, and one towards Gevurah, strictness. Neither of these is necessarily bad. What happened with the sin was that Adam used too much Gevurah when he prohibited his wife Chavah from even touching the tree, therefore causing Gevurah to fall down much farther than Chessed. So the drive towards Gevurah became the drive towards sin. But even this is not a constant; after all, it is possible that a surfeit of love can cause bad. We can see this from the case of a child who cries for a knife. A person who gives it is doing it out of love, after all, the child is crying for it! Nevertheless, obviously it's a bad thing. So we can see that Gevurah is not necessarily bad, nor Chessed necessarily good. Just that normally from Gevurah comes bad. When Moshiach comes the truth will be revealed, that Gevurah is really good. Because remember, strictness is not bad.

Anyway, for a little humor, there was once a haberdasher who had a minister walk into his business. The clothes-seller was so honored that a minister should come to his store that he gave the guy a free suit. A week later the minister sent a bible as a thank you. A month later a priest came in, and the same thing, except that the priest sent a beautiful gold cross. A month later a Rabbi walks in, and the same thing happens. And the gift? A week after the Rabbi gets his suit, another Rabbi walks in.

OK, so it's cute. Deal with it.

Dear TRS: A roaring success!

Once again, folks, you're privileged to read another fascinating edition of Dear TRS. How about a brief preface from today's Shulchan Oruch? So let's say you have a cow in a room, and there's a lion nail in the cow's back. There also happens to be a lion having a nap outside the room. Is the cow kosher? If the lion nail came from the lion, then the cow isn't kosher, it's a treifah. So what's the safek? Maybe the lion never went into the room. And even if it did, maybe it got a nail stick in the wall, and then the cow walked over to scratch it's back, and the nail got implanted in the cow, in which case the cow is still kosher. The Shulchan Oruch rules that the cow is kosher because it's a sfek sfekah.

The obvious question is, why? There would seem to only be one sfekah here, whether the lion put the nail in or not. Otherwise, how'd the nail get there if the lion never came in the room? (At this point in shiur I suggested aliens, but Rabbi Chaim Schapiro wasn't too taken with my answer). Another interesting factoid that emerged from today's shiur is that lions have poison in their claws! Who knew? It would also appear that even the Darchei Moshe (the Ramah) couldn't answer this question, so we're in good company.

The point of this was to demonstrate that I don't know all the answers (surprise, surprise) to all these genuine questions. On that note, here goes.

Dear Sir:

What is the purpose of the comment field on a blog?

sincerely,

170 comments on my shirt today :-)
--
Dear anon:

To leave comments, of course.
----
Dear Sir:
Why penguins? Why not parrots or some other exotic bird?

Sincerely,

Colorful Bochur
--
Dear uniform-challenged young man:

Penguins can swim underwater (mikveh), and they wear tuxedos. Could there be a better role model for our youth?
----
Dear Sir:

Which is faster, to New York or by train?

Sincerely,

Joseph Biden
--
Dear foot-in-mouth:

I prefer aeroplanes, myself.
----
Dear Sir:

Please rephrase the following sentence so that it doesn't end with a preposition:
Land is not worth risking your life for.

Sincerely,

The Almighty Editor (retired)
--
Dear crotchety baldy:

How about, "Yes it is."?
----
Dear Sir:

I am a crocodile. I stole a child. I told the father that I would give it back if the father could accurately answer the following question:

Will I (the crocodile) give back the child? The father guessed that I would not return the child. Now what should I do?

Crying crocodile tears, yours do I remain,

Mr. Croc
--
Dear Mr. Croc:

Have you ever considered investing in 240,00 pairs of crocs, five dollars each, for sale outside of the United States of America? The proceeds would allow the father to buy a new child to replace the one you ate, and that child to buy a new father to replace the one you ate for dessert.
----
Dear Sir:

How do you deal with a Big Meanie that is controlling your life and using your labor? Do you run away? Do you stop working? Do you confront them?

Thanks,

A simple slave
--
Dear A Poshite Kabbalos Olnik:

Polish her floors (very early) in the morning, and when she wakes up she'll walk on them, slip, hit her head hard on the spotless floor, and have peculiar brain damage, such that she will lose her previous character and become a happy, healthy, contributing member of society once again.
----
Dear Sir:

Is one allowed to dance around the bimah on Shabbos during the sefira?

Sincerely,

Permission to tango
--
Dear Permission to engage in highly immoral activity:

What makes you think you can dance on any day of the year? This is the kind of leitzonus which is bringing the Jewish people into disrepute among the nations.
----
Dear Sir:

If half of my French toast is runny and the other half is burnt, what changes in cooking should the cook implement?

Sincerely,

Butter side up
--
Dear Butter side up:

Have you ever considered coming to the Rabbinical College of America, where Dovid Solomon makes a decent french toast every week?
----
Dear Sir:

Is one allowed to eat a pas Yisroel cookie shaped like Harry Potter?

Sincerely,

Concerned Hogwarts parent
--
Dear Vernon Dursley:

Is it yoshon?
----
Dear Sir:

Why are literal penguins forbidden to bring into the zoos where figurative penguins (i.e. bochurim) have their habitats?

Sincerely,

Conservationist
--
Dear tree-hugging liberal:

The bochurim's guano might prove too much for the penguins.
----
Dear Sir:

If the measure of a philosopher is the quality of his hamburgers, what about vegetarian philosophers? Or philosophers who prefer hot dogs?

Sincerely,

Hugh Akston's Brother in law
--
Dear One of the last great advocates of reason:

Well, what about vegetarian philosophers? Is nisht kein stirah!
----
Dear Sir:

Why isn't a fish a cow?

Sincerely,

The other 4
--
Dear plus 1:

Because if it was, all hell would break loose.
----

Dear TRS: The oddly calmed edition

R' Shmuel Munkes once invented a mouse poison which he guaranteed would kill all and any mice. A chassid bought it, and came a few days later to complain, "You're poison doesn't work! The mice won't touch it!" R' Shmuel said, "Very simple. First you catch the mouse, then you make it swallow the poison, and then it dies." The Chassid said, "But once I catch the mouse, I don't need the poison anymore!" R' Shmuel said, "Ain lecha nami."

With that story in mind, it's time for a wholly original Dear TRS. Yup.

Dear Sir:

Why do penguins/bochurim, while on the street, spontaneously burst into song? It's unnerving.

Signed,

Alarmed
--
Dear Alarmed,

Your question is very important to us, and as soon as we finish humming this tune we'll attempt to get back to you.
-----
Dear Sir:

I really must know, why is a fish?

Signed,

New Age Feminist
--
Dear New Age,

Because if it wasn't, then what would it be?
----
Dear Sir:

If even snags admit they are allowed to sing during sfira why do they prohibit recorded singing (a capella) as "too much like music"?

Sincerely,

Hypocrisy Rocks
--
Dear Hypocritical,

One of the most fundamental elements of snagginess of learning not to question the Gedolim. When the gedolim say something, you should listen. In other words, the words of the Gedolim to you must be the law. What I'm trying to say is, the Gedolim must be listened to and trusted in implicitly.

Having said that, I would like to point out that in fact only a capella music that is able to be listened to is banned from being listened to. Therefore, any non-listenable music is permitted to be listened to.
----
Dear Sir:

Will you join my organization Morons And Dumkopfs Negating Endlessly Stagnating 'Stereotypes' (MADNESS) We have several guidelines for our members to follow. In the interests of furtherance of multiculturalism will you agree never to speak to a Muslim lest you offend his or her religious sensibilities? Furthermore, will you agree never to take a picture of a young sfardi chareidi lest it be misinterpreted as an image of Muhammad may he rest in pieces?

Sincerely,

A.P Manson
--
Dear A.P. Manson

At first I was very excited to join your organization, but then I realized that you made fun of the prophet Muhammad, and I resolved to blow you up.
----
Dear Sir:

Don't you know that it is the height of shamelessness for an advice columnist to solicit questions?

yours truly,

Heckler
--
Dear Heckler,

I merely follow in the best traditions of my predecessors who always have a mailing address by their columns. Besides, wouldn't you think it weird if I had an advice column and no one to address the address to?
----

Sincerely to all, TRS

Dear TRS: Reality sets in

That's right folks, it's time for another exciting edition of ask the RS. Incidentally, all of these are real questions, sent in by real people. Scary, I know. Here we go:

Dear Sir:

Can you think of an English rhyme to aid baalei tshuva in understanding the talmudic and practical concept of "der oilam's ah goilem?"
sincerely,

Shliach to the poets-in-residence
--
Dear Shliach to the poets-in-residence,

Are you trying to suggest that the masses are asses? And not even the asses of Rebbi Pinchas Ben Yair?
----
Dear Sir:
Is the prohibition of music in effect on hallel days that occur during sfira? If so does yom ha'atzmaut (known to certain chagas kreizin as yoim huhhatzomos) count?

What about stuff that is technically produced on instruments but is not music by any sane definition? (Insert singer/group you dislike)
sincerely,

Metal Fan
--
Dear Metal Fan,

The answer to your first question is that if you're willing to suspend rational thought and hold that you can't listen to whatever it is you're not listening to then the same would apply on hallel days as well, obviously excepting the 5th of Iyar, when it's a mitzvah to play Hatikvah on loudspeakers from a Mitzvah Tank in Williamsburg.

Any music which is not music by any sane definition shouldn't be listened to anyway, so what's the question? You mean if you're of a snaggish disposition and have masochistic tendencies?
----
Dear Sir:

What is the fundamental question of integral calculus and what does it have to do with differential calculus? And oh yeah, what is the point of that little carrot shaped button on my blue calculator?

Sincerely,

Mathematically Mystified
--
Dear Mathematically Mystified,

I.

Let f be a continuous real-valued function defined on a closed interval a,">b. If F is the function defined for x in a,">b by

$F(x)\; =\; \backslash int\_a^x\; f(t)\backslash ,\; dt$

then

$F\text{'}(x)\; =\; f(x)\backslash ,$

for every x in a,">b.

II.

Let F be a continuous real-valued function defined on a closed interval a,">b. If f is the function such that

$f(x)\; =\; F\text{'}(x)\backslash ,$ for all x in a,">b

then

$\backslash int\_a^b\; f(x)\; dx\; =\; F(b)\; -\; F(a)$.

Corollary

Let F be a real-valued continuous function defined on a closed interval a,">b. If f is the function defined by

$f(x)\; =\; F\text{'}(x)\backslash ,$ for all x in a,">b

then

$F(x)\; =\; \backslash int\_a^x\; f(t)\; dt\; +\; F(a)$

and

$f(x)\; =\; \backslash frac\{d\}\{dx\}\; \backslash int\_a^x\; f(x)\; dx$.

Proof

Part I

It is given that

$F(x)\; =\; \backslash int\_\{a\}^\{x\}\; f(t)\; dt$

Let there be two numbers x₁ and x₁ + Δx in a,">b. So we have

$F(x\_1)\; =\; \backslash int\_\{a\}^\{x\_1\}\; f(t)\; dt$

and

$F(x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x)\; =\; \backslash int\_\{a\}^\{x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x\}\; f(t)\; dt$.

Subtracting the two equations gives

$F(x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x)\; -\; F(x\_1)\; =\; \backslash int\_\{a\}^\{x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x\}\; f(t)\; dt\; -\; \backslash int\_\{a\}^\{x\_1\}\; f(t)\; dt\; \backslash qquad\; (1)$.

It can be shown that

$\backslash int\_\{a\}^\{x\_1\}\; f(t)\; dt\; +\; \backslash int\_\{x\_1\}^\{x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x\}\; f(t)\; dt\; =\; \backslash int\_\{a\}^\{x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x\}\; f(t)\; dt$.

(The sum of the areas of two adjacent regions is equal to the area of both regions combined.)

Manipulating this equation gives

$\backslash int\_\{a\}^\{x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x\}\; f(t)\; dt\; -\; \backslash int\_\{a\}^\{x\_1\}\; f(t)\; dt\; =\; \backslash int\_\{x\_1\}^\{x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x\}\; f(t)\; dt$.

Substituting the above into (1) results in

$F(x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x)\; -\; F(x\_1)\; =\; \backslash int\_\{x\_1\}^\{x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x\}\; f(t)\; dt\; \backslash qquad\; (2)$.

According to the mean value theorem for integration, there exists a c in x₁,">x₁ + Δx such that

$\backslash int\_\{x\_1\}^\{x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x\}\; f(t)\; dt\; =\; f(c)\; \backslash Delta\; x$.

Substituting the above into (2) we get

$F(x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x)\; -\; F(x\_1)\; =\; f(c)\; \backslash Delta\; x\; \backslash ,$.

Dividing both sides by Δx gives

$\backslash frac\{F(x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x)\; -\; F(x\_1)\}\{\backslash Delta\; x\}\; =\; f(c)$.

Notice that the expression on the left side of the equation is Newton's difference quotient for F at x₁.

Take the limit as Δx → 0 on both sides of the equation.

$\backslash lim\_\{\backslash Delta\; x\; \backslash to\; 0\}\; \backslash frac\{F(x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x)\; -\; F(x\_1)\}\{\backslash Delta\; x\}\; =\; \backslash lim\_\{\backslash Delta\; x\; \backslash to\; 0\}\; f(c)$

The expression on the left side of the equation is the definition of the derivative of F at x₁.

$F\text{'}(x\_1)\; =\; \backslash lim\_\{\backslash Delta\; x\; \backslash to\; 0\}\; f(c)\; \backslash qquad\; (3)$.

To find the other limit, we will use the squeeze theorem. The number c is in the interval x₁,">x₁ + Δx, so x₁ ≤ c ≤ x₁ + Δx. Also, $\backslash lim\_\{\backslash Delta\; x\; \backslash to\; 0\}\; x\_1\; =\; x\_1$ and $\backslash lim\_\{\backslash Delta\; x\; \backslash to\; 0\}\; x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x\; =\; x\_1$. Therefore, according to the squeeze theorem,

$\backslash lim\_\{\backslash Delta\; x\; \backslash to\; 0\}\; c\; =\; x\_1$.

Substituting into (3), we get

$F\text{'}(x\_1)\; =\; \backslash lim\_\{c\; \backslash to\; x\_1\}\; f(c)$.

The function f is continuous at c, so the limit can be taken inside the function. Therefore, we get

$F\text{'}(x\_1)\; =\; f(x\_1)\; \backslash ,$.

which completes the proof. (Leithold et al, 1996)

Part II

This is a limit proof by Riemann Sums. Let f be continuous on the interval a,">b, and let F be an antiderivative of f. Begin with the quantity

$F(b)\; -\; F(a)$.

Let there be numbers x₁ thru x_n such that

$F(b)\; -\; F(a)\; =\; F(x\_n)\; -\; F(x\_0)\; \backslash ,$.

Now, we add each F(x_i) along with its additive inverse, so that the resulting quantity is equal:

& = & F(x_n)\,-\,F(x_{n-1})\,+\,F(x_{n-1})\,+\,\ldots\,-\,F(x_1)\,+\,F(x_1)\,-\,F(x_0) \, \end{matrix} The above quantity can be written as the following sum:

$F(b)\; -\; F(a)\; =\; \backslash sum\_\{i=1\}^n-\; F(x\_\{i-1\})\backslash qquad\; (1)$

Here we employ the Mean Value Theorem. In brief, it is as follows:

Let f be continuous on the closed interval a,">b and differentiable on the open interval (a, b). Then there exists some c in (a, b) such that

$f\text{'}(c)\; =\; \backslash frac\{f(b)\; -\; f(a)\}\{b\; -\; a\}$.

It follows that

$f\text{'}(c)(b\; -\; a)\; =\; f(b)\; -\; f(a)\; \backslash ,$.

The function F is differentiable on the interval a,">b; therefore, it is also differentiable and continuous on each interval x_i-1. Therefore, according to the Mean Value Theorem (above),

$F(x\_i)\; -\; F(x\_\{i-1\})\; =\; F\text{'}(c\_i)(x\_i\; -\; x\_\{i-1\})\; \backslash ,$.

Substituting the above into (1), we get

$F(b)\; -\; F(a)\; =\; \backslash sum\_\{i=1\}^n-\; x\_\{i-1\})$.

As the derivative of the antiderivative is the original function, $F\text{'}(c\_i)\; =\; f(c\_i)$. Also, $x\_i\; -\; x\_\{i-1\}$ can be expressed as $\backslash Delta\; x$ of partition $i$.

$F(b)\; -\; F(a)\; =\; \backslash sum\_\{i=1\}^nx\_i)\backslash qquad\; (2)$

Notice that we are describing the area of a rectangle, with the width times the height, and we are adding the areas together. Each rectangle, by virtue of the Mean Value Theorem, describes an approximation of the curve section it is drawn over. Also notice that $\backslash Delta\; x\_i$ does not need to be the same for any value of $i$, or in other words that the width of the rectangles can differ. What we have to do is approximate the curve with $n$ rectangles. Now, as the size of the partitions get smaller and n increases, resulting in more partitions to cover the space, we will get closer and closer to the actual area of the curve. By taking the limit of the expression as the norm of the partitions approaches zero, we arrive at the Riemann integral. That is, we take the limit as the largest of the partitions approaches zero in size, so that all other partitions are smaller and the number of partitions approaches infinity. So, we take the limit on both sides of (3). This gives us

$\backslash lim\_\{\backslash |\; \backslash Delta\; \backslash |\; \backslash to\; 0\}\; F(b)\; -\; F(a)\; =\; \backslash lim\_\{\backslash |\; \backslash Delta\; \backslash |\; \backslash to\; 0\}\; \backslash sum\_\{i=1\}^nx\_i)\backslash ,dx$

The expressions F(b) and F(a) are not dependent on ||Δ||, so the limit on the left side remains F(b) - F(a).

$F(b)\; -\; F(a)\; =\; \backslash lim\_\{\backslash |\; \backslash Delta\; \backslash |\; \backslash to\; 0\}\; \backslash sum\_\{i=1\}^nx\_i)$

The expression on the right side of the equation defines an integral over f from a to b. Therefore, we obtain

$F(b)\; -\; F(a)\; =\; \backslash int\_\{a\}^\{b\}\; f(x)\backslash ,dx$

which completes the proof.

Happy?

In answer to your second question, "What's up Doc?"
----
Dear Sir:

My recently engaged friend was appointed to oversee all dorm-food preparation and thus is at her wits end. How might I go about telling her that raw eggs mixed with mushy bananas doesn't create ice cream, without losing my head?

Sincerely,

A'feared of Wrath

--
Dear A'feared of Wrath

Just give her this simple recipe, and mention that TRS is now accepting donations:

Blend 6 very ripe bananas until smooth. Add 2 egg yolks and 3/4 cup of ground nuts, filberts, or almonds. Blend for one minute. Beat 4 egg whites until stiff. Mix slowly into banana mixture with wooden spoon. Pour into a glass dish and spread remaining 1/4 cup nuts on top. Freeze at least 4 hours. When serving poor 1 teaspoon wine on each scoop or portion.

Serves 12
----
Dear Sir:

My brother insists on not cutting his afro and I fear that by the end of sefira all hope, not to mention sight, will be lost. Do you think he's mind if I trim it during the night? Then again, it would make for a lovely sheitel...

Sincerely,

Distressed
--
Dear Distressed,

Do I think he'll mind if you sin against all that is holiness and sacred? Of course, locks for love is a wonderful organization.
----

Dear Sir:

What's a Chol Hamoed trip that will be enjoyable for a family aged 1.5 through 55?

Sincerely,

Even more desperate
--
Dear Even more desperate,

What exactly do 1.5 year olds enjoy doing anyway? From what I can tell, they're the same happy whether here or there.
----
Dear Sir:

Why is borscht in America made of beets and borscht in Russia made with cabbage?

Sincerely,

Ari
--
Dear Ari,

Perhaps because Americans prefer sour cream nine times out of ten?
----

And that's all folks!

Dear TRS: More advice for the massively massed masses

That's right folks, it's time for another exciting adventure with the TRS mailbag-and this time we actually have mail! Woohoo! Anyway, here goes:

Dear Sir:

I know that I'm not allowed to listen to non-Jewish music, so can I sing niggunim while I'm in the shower?

Sincerely,

Piously Pondering

--

Dear Piously Pondering,

What are you talking about? Do you mean to say that all Jewish songs are niggunim? Or else only niggunim are Jewish music? Either way, I think that any holy music should be avoided whilst in the lavatory or its attendant functionaries. If you feel the need to sing, why not hum sung Avraham Fried tunes? Of course, if you feel the need for niggunim, there's always Breslov...

------

Dear Sir:

There's a female friend of mine who rides the bus late at night in dangerous neighborhoods. What should I do to persuade her to cease this dangerous activity?

Sincerely,

No really, it's not me, it's my friend

--

Dear No really, it's not me, it's my friend,

Tell your friend to get married and have her husband drive her around.

------

Dear Sir:

I'm wondering which is more chassidish: to have your last chametz before Pesach be a hot cross bun from Breadsmith, or perhaps sushi from Byerlys?

Sincerely,

Insincere

--

Dear Insincere,

Seeing as Byerlys hasn't made Kosher sushi the whole week it would appear that the better option would be the hot cross bun.

------

Dear Sir:

Are you going to make another cheap joke at our glorious president's expense in order to wring some humor from this heretofore humorless exercise, or will you manage to restrain yourself?

Sincerely,

Avremel Shemtov

--

Dear Avremel Shemtov,

Why was Barack Obama so desperate to become the President? So he could get free public housing!

------

And a Kosher and most happy Pesach to you and yours.

Dear TRS: advice for the masses

This is the first installment of what I hope will be a regular feature on TRS: an advice column. And let's get right down to it.

Dear Sir:

My cow refuses to eat the grass put before him. And he constantly hits me too. And steals my mechanical pencil. And won't allow me to use his sefarim as a book holder. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Fish.
--
Dear Fish,

Your cow refuses to eat the grass put before him? How absolutely ghastly. And physical abuse is certainly not cricket. Neither is theft. Perhaps though you might soften on your stance of misappropriation of property, and he might come around on his own. At the very least you could simply stop telling him the latest gossip regarding your family-he'd certainly fall very quickly for that ploy.

-------

Dear Sir:

Shmuley Boteach has a nasty habit of writing stupid things. How do I prevent this in the future?

Sincerely,

Someone's future son in law.
--
Dear someone's future son in law,

Shmuley Boteach has made a living of writing incendiary copy and then backtracking faster than even I ever have. The man is positively obsessed with being politically correct, and can't bear the thought of looking like a fundamentalist. He's also a wonderful human being (that's to save myself from his libel-seeking lawyers). My advice is, stop reading his articles and instead read those of Meir Kahane, who is probably closer to your cup of white hot chocolate (from Second Cup, of course), though he isn't as entertaining, principally because he's been insufferably right lately, despite his current deceased status.

-------

Dear Sir:

Why is it okay for a Republican to root for Tiger Woods but not for Barack Obama?

Sincerely,

Randy Moss
--
Dear Randy Moss,

Perhaps it's because the former gets the job done?

--------

Dear Sir:

Why is it that people think they can get away with writing nothing of substance if they can come up with a couple of cheap jokes and a few jibes at America's president?

Sincerely,

IJT
---
Dear IJT,

Darling, I have no idea what you're talking about.

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And thus concludes our first edition of whatever it is we'll be calling it in the future. Go us!