Sunday, June 7, 2009

Uncle Moishe visits his therapist

Hello Uncle Moishe.

Hello Mr. Therapist.

What seems to be the problem Uncle Moishe?

I feel very unsatisfied with my work.

Really? You don't feel fulfilled helping little kinderlach learn their mivtzos?

After you've been doing this for long enough you realize it's all-I mean, I've been singing for these kids on stage for what, thirty years now, and every generation turns out worse than the last. What a bunch of brats.

So you mean that you've been working hard for many years and you don't see any results?

Are you kidding me? I've given my heart and soul to these little pipsqueaks, and what thanks do I get? None at all.

So you feel like no one is appreciative of all your work?

And worst of all are these "miztva men" of mine.

Why, what's wrong with them?

Have you ever seen the way they act? It's crazy. All the adults love them, because they can tell a joke or two-and who do you think wrote the jokes?

You?

No, but that's not the point. The point is that I'm working my tail off here, and what have I gotten for it?

A sterling reputation?

Not even that. Everyone just thinks I'm an old creep.

Well, that is understandable, isn't it? I mean, older men who prance around on stage wearing silly costumes and kiddie songs for six year olds?

Am I any different than, for example, Moses?

Moses?

Yeah, Moses.

What about Moses?

Well, he was eighty when he started leading the Jewish people, wasn't he? And I bet he looked pretty funny in his robe, and yet what do they call him?

Moses?

Exactly. And what am I?

Uncle Moishe.

You see the difference?

Not exactly.

Well, I'll tell you the difference. Moses is dignified and honorable. Uncle Moishe sounds like a guy who rooted for the New York Giants before they left for San Fransisco and liked sauerkraut with his hamburgers.

Do you like sauerkraut with your hamburgers?

What kind of insulting question is that? You think you're my dietician or something?

Do you have a dietician?

Of course! How else do you think I stay in such great shape?

Um, I hate to break it to you, but....

What are you saying now?

Listen, you're certainly a shape, but I'm not sure if you fit into any recognized ones.

What are you trying to say now?

OK, forget I said anything, let's move on. What else is bothering you?

My beard.

Your beard is bothering you?

Yes.

What exactly about your beard bothers you?

The color.

Ahh, you don't like having a white beard.

Exactly.

What's wrong with having a white beard?

Nothing. Except that when you're dancing around on stage like a fifteen year old it's nice to have a beard that fits the part.

So why don't you do something about it?

What do you suggest?

Liposuction?

Huh?

Sorry, that was just a joke. Why don't you dye it?

Because I'm not a faker.

What do you mean by that?

I'm not a faker. I don't lie, connive, cheat, misrepresent, etc.

Ahh. You're a truthful individual.

Correct.

In that case, goodbye.

That's it?

That's it.

42 comments:

le7 said...

Oy.

The Real Shliach said...

Now what I'm the world am I supposed to say to a comment like that?

le7 said...

Um.

The Real Shliach said...

And to that?

le7 said...

Use your discretion?

The Real Shliach said...

A wise answer if I ever heard one.

le7 said...

Not the first nor the last eh?

The Real Shliach said...

Oh no, I have great expectations of wonderously sage thinking to come.

C said...

Rumor has it that Uncle Moishy lost weight.

May I asked what inspired this?

ccna said...

Hey, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!
ccent

sarabonne said...

Thank G-d I grew up with Sesame Street. They were troubled to begin with....

Altie said...

interesting post. it seems u had something against uncle moishy as a child, and now u are letting it out as an adult. (or a grown child.)
personally, i hated his songs, and my sister was scared of the big stuffed characters that dressed up, like yetzer hara and yetzer tov.

i think he should retire, there are tons of new stuff coming out for kids these days, like agent emes.

Sebastion said...

Uncle moishe is definatly creepy. I have never really seen much of the show but, I saw enough (shiver). and sesame street was lame, fraggle rock was where it was at!

le7 said...

Gulla Gulla Island and that castle show were the best!

The Real Shliach said...

C: J inspired this.

ccna: excellent.

Altie: I never had anything against him because I never knew anything about him. The first time I saw a show (that I can recall) was when I was 14.

le7: what is that castle show?

le7 said...

Eureka's Castle!!

The Real Shliach said...

Never heard of it.

e said...

Regardless of what the adults say, kids like Uncle Moishe. And that's all that counts. no?

C said...

Uncle Moishy is great! I never loved him, as I was old enough to be "too cool for Uncle Moishy" when my parents started buying every video, but he is awesome for little kids. AND, he puts jelly beans in cholent. Can't get much better than that!

Altie said...

e- asked any of them recently? how long ago were u a child yourself?

C said...

I can't answer for e, but I hang with children everyday. We LOVE Uncle Moishy.

For your viewing pleasure: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9x7epVB5tCU

e said...

Altie, I don't know what kids think. I was just repeating my mom, who's a preschool teacher and kiddie camp director.

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

Uncle Moishy is awful. However there is one good thing about him. The litvishe yeshiva velt gets their entire understanding of emuna from those tapes. Makes for some fun times when someone calls you an apikores

C said...

I'm pretty sure Uncle Moishy is not a chossid.

Cheerio said...

nooo....
uncle moishy always bored me. the mitzvah machine and the torah bike were AWESOME!!

Dovid said...

TRS- this post was very Tzvi Freeman-esk

C said...

Shmuel Kunda had some good hits... but my favorite is Country Yossi's stuff, especially Kivi and Tuki.

Sebastion said...

Torah bike!? that sounds awesome! and eureka's castle was pretty nifty but i quickly moved to rocko's modern life.

The Real Shliach said...

The best Jewish kid's tape ever was The Golden Crown.

Cheerio said...

no it was not! geez. the middos machine was totally the best. wookie jookie, anyone?

Altie said...

just for the sake of arguing, i totally agree with cheerio, midos machine is definitely the best.

Sebastion said...

These are the best names for kids shows ever. All i could watch in germany when I was little (3) was that don quixote turtle (don't remember the name)

Sebastion said...

These are the best names for kids shows ever. All i could watch in germany when I was little (3) was that don quixote turtle (don't remember the name)

Sebastion said...

These are the best names for kids shows ever. All i could watch in germany when I was little (3) was that don quixote turtle (don't remember the name)

sarabonne said...

Wookie jookie plant in the deepest forests of Africa! I LOVE that tape. When I ived in Long Beach the Rebbetzin with whom I boarded played it constantly for the kids, you'd think I would get sick of it...

moshe said...

check out Chabadsearch.com

C said...

Middos Machine is definitely up there as well. My sister recently downloaded it for her kids... They love it! I once overheard my niece explaining the entire tape? (CD sounds WAAAAAY too modern) to her 6-yr-old friend.

The Real Shliach said...

Middos machine is for six year olds, the golden crown is for ten year olds. Of course, since they were made by the same person...

Cheerio said...

the middos machine is totally for older kids too!

The Real Shliach said...

Machine: lav

Midos: davka

menuch said...

my dad and him were chavrusa's in yeshiva and his dayjob is surprisingly a photographer..

The Real Shliach said...

Really? Interesting. Is he totally with it?