Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Drive them out!

I'm not a racist. I love all humanity. The true joy of assisting my fellow man in any and all activities brews through me with all the passion normally associated with high-end coffee makers. This is why last night was truly disturbing to me.

I turned off the lights at 12:15 last night. I fell asleep at 1:30. All right, this may have had something to do with my listening to a podcast of This American Life, but that's neither here nor there. Point is, I was rudely awakened at fourteen minute to three by a noise so loud that it could not be tolerated. At first I thought it was my roommate's alarm clock, but it was too loud, and eventually I realized that it was the fire alarm. I kept out of bed (a minute later), put on socks and shoes, made sure my roommates were right behind me, and joined the growing hordes (I use the plural because four separate programs were affected) congregating at the swimming pool. Eight minutes later a copper showed up, and soon after him four fire trucks and several vehicles belonging to the volunteers who make up the Morristown Fire Department. Fifteen or twenty minutes after that we were allowed back in, and half an hour later I managed to fall asleep.

The reason for my racist reaction? Who did you think it was that pulled that fire alarm? A full-blooded American? No-sirree! It was a couple of Brazilians who are departing and who thought they'd give us a nice parting gift.

Ridiculous, eh? You'd think that people who are old enough to join the armed forces of this glorious land would have a brain capacity that exceeded that of your average twelve month old. Actually, now that I think about it, my darling niece Chaya (whose birthday is on 2 Tammuz-send presents now!) would never do such an idiotic thing. So obviously these hispanic idiots are severely mentally retarded.

Why am I harping on foreigners here? Two years ago, when I was in the Rabbinical College of America Tomchei Tmimim for shiur daled, the first fire alarm of the year (we had nearly fifteen in about four months) was caused by, guess who? Frenchies. Turns out he put his siddur on top of a fire alarm setter-off pull thingies. At 1:30 in the morning. Of course, how he managed to pull it up when the siddur was officially on top remains a mystery to this day...

Later that year we had another fire alarm. Why? Because some brilliant Frenchie sprayed deodorant into the smoke alarm in his room. What a genius.

So anyway, the firefighters are present, and guess what? A brilliant foreigner has to start running around taking pictures as if he was a Pulitzer Prize winning photographer! And he should have known better too-he speaks English (or whatever it is that Australians speak). Nevermind that he looks like a complete fool and is getting in the way of the fire people-he has to take pictures.

If I sound crotchety it's because I am. That's what happens when I don't get enough sleep. What's my solution? Cancel all I-20s and tell them foreigners to go back to where they came from. We don't want 'em here, them and their sleep-deprivation tactics. Heck, they're worse than the federal employees at Abu Graib and Guantanamo Bay! At least there the inmates got a little publicity. But here, at RCA in Morristown, NJ, our sadistic torturers work in silence, with nary a publication to cry foul at their treatment of us. Sick.

56 comments:

fakewood inc. said...

thats pretty funny

C said...

1-Lame, but at least they gave you a present..

2-Sorry you didn't sleep well. Totally understand the grouchiness... didn't sleep much last night myself. Although sadly there is no one I can blame...

3-There was a Frenchie using deodorant??? OK, granted he didn't seem to know where to spray it, but we should at least give him points for trying...

Mottel said...

TRS: In Montreal frenchy was once kicking a soccer ball around indoors. A sleeping bochur asked him to stop as he was making too much noise.. The guy said "yes yes" and kept kicking the ball. The bochur asked the frenchy "Do you understand me?" to which the dear Frenchman replied, "Yes! Yes! My shoes are clean!"

C: Frenchies aren't dibs!! They wear tons of deodorant and cologne - along with spray on pants, pointy jester-like shoes and scarves tied around their necks . . .

sarabonne said...

You forgot they flip their collar up.
Trs, you sound like an angry hick, lol.

The Real Shliach said...

Fakewood: (cue fake righteous indignation) I'm suffering and you think it's funny!!

C: 1. How sweet
3. Ever heard of a french shower?

Mottel: yup, they're like metros with better fashion.

Sara: that was the point.

e said...

As Rabbi Elazar said, "Joy is lodged in my heart from this side and tears from that side."

My heart overflows with sympathy for your disturbed night, but I found the story very funny.

The Real Shliach said...

Well then it was all worth it!

Crawling Axe said...

So, a lot of foreigners are assholes. That’s called having a full range of emotional and intellectual maturity. Because it goes from −100 to 100, not from −10 to 10, in multiple areas, you get really nice and really mean people, you get incredibly tasty and incredibly disgusting food, you get incredibly cold and incredibly warm weather, incredibly cultured and incredibly grub people, and so on.

While with Americans you pretty much get… California. Lukewarm and fake. Plus-minus a tiny bit.

Crawling Axe said...

And just to prove my point, almost every American thought responding “Ouch” to my post right after reading it. Or some comment about my immigration status.

Crawling Axe said...

Thank G-d, by the way, that South Americans are still coming here. It’s a sign that America is still different from the rest of drek out there. Our brilliant president is trying to make US just like the rest of the world, so, enjoy the weather while it lasts.

Altie said...

i see u suffer from a fear of foreighners. you know theres a cure for that -too bad i dont know it.

The Real Shliach said...

CA: the first thought that went through my mind after reading that first comment of yours was "Who gave this guy a green card?!"

Altie: when you figure it out let us know.

Altie said...

ok i got it- dont start off a post saying u are not racist- and then proceeding to be a racist. that is just hypocritical.

maybe u need to take some time off, spend a week in a foreign country, get to know them better. than u will see that they are not so bad. and they will be left with the impression that americans suck.

The Real Shliach said...

Once again sarcasm flew right over your head!

Altie said...

oh u mean u ARE racist. yup thats definitly better.

The Real Shliach said...

Racist against white people with eyes who don't see, ears but don't hear, hands but don't feel, etc? Yes.

Altie said...

and u think u possess all those qualities?

Yossi said...

at least it wasn't shabbos when they pulled it. When I was in YSP, we had this one boy who pulled it quite often, and on shabbos. Bochurim later found their pushkas a lighter and emptier, also, after shabbos

Yossi said...

fear of foreigners is called Xenophobia.
Mr. Jessy from Pittsburgh would have my head if I didn't say that.

Crawling Axe said...

Toldja.

It is a result of a common misconception: Americans think that foreigners come to this country because they really like and admire the people that inhabit it. It couldn’t be farther from truth. I mean, sure, some people like Americans, but for the most part there is a reason why Chinese, Mexicans, Russians, etc., settle in their little communities, next to each other. The truth is: most people like people just like them and don’t like people that are not like them.

So, people don’t come to America of modern Americans — they come to America which was created by the Founding Fathers and is therefore a nice place to live in. Modern Americans are very-very tiny dwarfs standing on the shoulders of other dwards (all the way to 1913), who stand on the shoulders of giants. Had America been the country of modern Americans only (who elected a clown for a President — with other clown being a second choice) it would be no different from Uruguay, and people would hardly be immigrating here.

C said...

A-I never said anything about their fashion... just cleanliness.

B-I wasn't going to say anything, but now that Yossi mentioned it... That was probably the first word I learned in 10th grade.

Mr. J is awesome btw! His awesomeness is too great to put into a little (or not so little) comment... but you should totally dedicate a post to him.

shimshy said...

mr j is a grandaddy!

C said...

What?! No way!! I thought his son was too busy with models to settle down and have kids :P.

Mazal tov! Great news! Now if only I could get his address..

The Real Shliach said...

Altie: in this case? Yes.

Yossi: if we behaved like Muslims in our treatment of thieves there'd be a lot less thieves.

CA: uh huh, sure.

C: A: again, ever heard of a French shower?
B: Crazy!!

Shimshy: nice to see you commenting on this here humble blog.

Altie said...

that still makes u racist.

'what do u mean? im only racist with CERTAIN types.' dude, thats the definition of racism.

The Real Shliach said...

This has gone on long enough, so I think I'll set the record straight.

1. I am not racist. This post is not racist. It was intended as a humorous rant against some idiots who pulled a fire alarm. If they had been American I would have found something else to criticize them about.

2. My comment above about me being racist against certain people was directed at you. Meaning, I don't like you when you do certain things. Like completely misinterpret what I write and then get all defensive about it.

Happy?

The Real Shliach said...

One more thing. Ever heard of "satire"?

Altie said...

'the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.'
i do now.

yes im happy, but that has nothing to do with you.

u are sarcastic, i am sarcastic, u are annoying, i am...not. wtvr

i give up. i think ill just stop commenting on your blog.

The Real Shliach said...

You'll only be the latest in a long line of girls that I've managed to drive away... First was Sabra, then was Chanie, and now you. Impressive, eh? Of course, this raises the question of why some girls can deal with life over here and some can't. Is it a question of age? Experience? Intelligence? Maturity?

Altie said...

i think the word your looking for is tollerance. Some girls just have a higher level of tollerance when it comes to you and the things you say. (take le7 for example.)

and just cuz u said that, i'm not going anywhere.

The Real Shliach said...

LOL.

Altie said...

glad to see u are laughing

Zvi said...

I was just thinking the other day how the 3 'frenchies' I knew in Yeshiva were actually some of the most amazing guys.

Before I met them all I had heard about them were that they deoderized instead of showering and annoyed the heck out of everyone.

Quick lesson learned for me.

Sebastion said...

I don't hate brazillians because they are brazillian, I hate them because that guy pulled the alarm. brazillians, psh.

Smelly, amazing guys.

sarabonne said...

A bizzilion burping, belching, befuddling, brain-washed Brazilians!

I actually love Brazilians.

Sebastion said...

me too, but this was just for the sake of the argument.

The Real Shliach said...

Altie: me too.

Zvi: oh, I've known some great French people. Rashi and the Tosaphists, for example-those guys rocked!

Sebastion: right on!

Sara: pause.

Sebastion: right off.

Anonymous said...

yo chanan relax it was nice weather yossy h

Crawling Axe said...

Rashi was French? So, the Rebbe is Russian?

Crawling Axe said...

(Or, worse yet, Ukrainian?)

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

CA: Rashi was not French. He was Frankish. (and the rebbe was culturally litvish) We can now elevate the conversation. I too was awoken by firetrucks last night albeit in the privacy of my own home (I do not know the nationalities of the two schmucks who called 911 about a BBQ so no racist rant for me [wahhh].)

Crawling Axe said...

What does “culturally litvish” (litvish or Lithuanian) mean?

Mottel said...

-CA: despite living in Ukraine, the Rebbe didn't speak, fihr zich etc. like someone from Poilin Katan (Ukraine) but rather as a lubavitcher - I.e. A litvak (culturaly - not hashkaficaly)

The Real Shliach said...

Modeh: Consider it elevated.

Crawling Axe said...

Lubavitch was in Byelorus’.

But there is a difference between speaking as a Lithuanian Jew and being Litvish culturally. Besides, that has nothing to do with Rashi being supposedly “French” (or Frankish for that matter).

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

CA: you were the one who said "rashi was french" not me. As for litvish culturally, it means wearing long pants instead of tights, wearing a hat and kapote instead of shtreimel and bekishe, and having a dining room table that costs less than 1/2 a years rent and saying cheylem instead of choilim or cholam.

Crawling Axe said...

I said Rashi was French? I protested against calling him… that.

The Real Shliach said...

Sheesh, I called him French.

Crawling Axe said...

One should not insult those that passed away. Much less tzaddikim.

The Real Shliach said...

LOL. Runner-up for comment of the year?

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

Whoever called him whatever, he was Frankish.

The Real Shliach said...

Whatever.

Mushkie said...

You drove Chanie away?!? I might have to start commenting instead of just reading every post.

The Real Shliach said...

Yes, I did drive her away, and yes, you should comment on the posts. It'll help my self-esteem immeasurably.

Altie said...

that doesnt need help. u do it all on ur own

The Real Shliach said...

LOL.