Monday, June 22, 2009

Ouch, that hurts

How in the world do I have a sunburn on my neck? All right, the truth is, I don't actually have a sunburn on my neck, it just feels like I do. How do I know that there is no sunburn on my neck? Because my neck has not been exposed to the sun. Because there has been no sun recently. It's like the whole New York metropolitan area went under a vast dome-like structure which seems to think that it would be most fun to rain all day. How miserable. Rain is wet. Wet is not a natural state for human life. Well, it is, but only for nine months. After that people like to dry out and realize their life-long dream (up to that point, anyway) of breathing on their own.

So about this sun burn shtuff. As I said, I don't like it. It's weird. It's uncomfortable. It reminds me of my days in the sun. Or, the day after my days in the sun. You know the routine.

Perhaps there's a new type of burn-the rain burn. It's possible, no? After all, if people can get burned by ice and boiling water, why not rain water? Here's my theory: the water in the sky percolates a bit and then comes down and falls unto the earth from whence it came as "rain". At that point the earth responds appropriately, with thousands of people pulling out umbrellas and even more running inside to spend fifteen minutes looking for the umbrella that they just put down yesterday. But it's not there. And that's neither here nor there.

So where does the rain burn come in? Very simple. Some people are very holy, and they're extremely averse to the slightest suggestion or whiff of scandal. So what happens at that point. I'll tell you. At that point the rain says, "Hey, what is going on oh fine feathered friends?" Any fine feathered friends who can hear the conductor are then uninvited to the party, because who wants to come to a party when there's a whole bunch of crazy birds there anyway? Maybe if the birds were in chafing dishes, or rejoiced in the name of "roast turkey breast" they'd be acceptable, but that hasn't happened yet, and current experience has taught us to expect that it probably won't happen in the future either. More's the pity.

It's here that rain burn really comes into its own as a force for good in the former Union of Soviet Socialist Republican operatives named Colin and sporting trimmed mustaches that, when touched by the right dye, immediately spring into the latest collectible craze of flowering beauties. Lest anyone think that someone might not appreciate this obvious effort on the part of whomever it is that is putting this whole shebang together, it's really necessary to first say that at the time no one thought anything too terrible would occur. You could say that no one thought Egypt would lose so pathetically, but as their coach said, it's all because they couldn't concentrate. If that's a good excuse for some people who have a whole nation relying on 'em to provide glory, then certainly for a humble blogger like myself it'll eminently suitable.

Yup.

16 comments:

e said...

Possible alternative title: My schizophrenia drugs are wearing off as I speak.

shimshy said...

i thought you were gonna say that it was acid rain or something

The Real Shliach said...

e: I wrote this when I was half-asleep, and when I read it again I was like, "Wow, that's pretty trippy".

Shimshy: If I had been awake when I wrote this it might have turned out very differently.

Altie said...

lol. like, what??

shimshy said...

trs-do you actually make anything from the ads?

The Real Shliach said...

Not that I know of.

e said...

so why do you have them?

The Real Shliach said...

As the Rosh would snarl, "Y is a crooked letter!"

C said...

Still raining??? Sucks for you! (and yes, I do feel mild sympathy)

In other news, I have a sunburn. From the sun :P.

The Real Shliach said...

Sick. Eat a falafel for me.

sarabonne said...

Maybe the water made your collar wet and the it's rubbing against your neck thus causing the "burn."

The Real Shliach said...

Interesting theory, Dr. Sara.

sarabonne said...

That's Drs. Sarah to you, and yes, I try.

The Real Shliach said...

Drs? Huh?

le7 said...

Cute.

The Real Shliach said...

LOL.