Sunday, June 28, 2009

Say what?

How do you know when you've made it? When random people from Oklahoma stop you in the street and ask, "Hey, are you the real shliach?" Is that how you know you've made it?

Because it's happened. I was stopped on the street. A bochur from Oklahoma asked if I was TRS. I answered in the affirmative. Yay. Now I can die happy.
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Meanwhile, in other news, I once wrote a story entitled "There was..." It's a little odd. Enjoy.

Many years ago, in a land far, far away, there was a very old man who had severe brain damage. The result of this was that he didn't recognize his children. It was all very sad. His children would visit him in the nursing home once a month, and they always made sure to bring flowers and chocolates, because who doesn't like flowers and chocolates?

Unfortunately, like many things in life, the assumptions of the man's children proved to be false, and in fact he couldn't stand flowers and chocolate. Every time he saw them he would get a pathological hatred for all things verdant and caffeinated, and once he got so angry he pulled the plug on his life support and thus life ended.

That is really only the beginning of this story, because later on all his children decided to go to group therapy in order to get over their collective grief. Their guilt was also terrible to behold, but as everyone knows guilt is good for people, so they weren't calling in the psychological people to solve that problem.

During the group therapy the question was broached as to what exactly the children could do to get over their collective grief. One of the grandchildren proposed that they separate the collective grief and make it more personal, as that would save them all a lot of money with the group therapy. The group therapist quickly pointed out that this course of action would result in the group therapist losing his current position, and probably end up with much death, and possibly dismemberment, for the group therapist's family members, many of whom relied on him for their daily bread and caviar. Another family member, this time a favored nephew, proposed that the group therapist's family members stop eating caviar, and instead eat sushi, which had the undoubted advantage of not only being tastier but also cheaper.

A fracas ensued as a troop of Russian and Japanese performance artists burst into the room and started to argue about the relative merits of their respective national foods. Most of the family members started to throw the complementary doughnuts, thoughtfully provided by the group therapist, at the Russians, because no one likes sturgeon anyway. Incredibly enough, no one was hurt.

The local Shliach walked in and said, "What in the world is going on?" Immediately everyone stopped what they were doing and began to explain. The Shliach was not very impressed with their explanations and decided to do something drastic. He turned off the lights, and bedlam instantly commenced. The editor being out of town on a Hawaiian vacation, grammar started to dissolve in on itself and whole sentences began to die. Lakewood itself, home of more giants in Torah per capita than any other township in New Jersey, and also one of the last remaining real tennis courts in the world. But that's another story for another day.

72 comments:

le7 said...

Booooo.

sarabonne said...

Why is there ALWAYS therapy in your stories?
Nice.

Zvi said...

Did I miss something here? what's the point?

This is NOT rated T for Toichen...

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

Love it!! Rated N for narishkeit but still a great story.

C said...

You warned that it would be a little odd... but there should be a CAUTION: EXTREME STRANGENESS TO FOLLOW sign.

:D

The Real Shliach said...

le7: (jump!)

Sara: good question.

Zvi: the point is that there is no point.

Modeh: at least someone appreciates genius.

C: you're sweet.

Crawling Axe said...

Blintzes!

e said...

YES! I remember this one from last time.

@TRS #zvi: I like.

The Real Shliach said...

CA: yummy. I'm hungry.

e: I thought you would :)

Qtap said...

I am both highly amused and entertained, and saddened by this story.

On the one hand, the is the well played random factor which is always a good thing in such type stories. On the other, The idea of the man who does not recognize his family growing to loathe them and life to such a degree that he ends it disturbs me greatly, as my own grandfather does not recognize any of us.

I think you have truly shown me what it means there is good and bad in everything.

The Real Shliach said...

Sheesh! I never meant to make any points or anything. But, I suppose everything is hashgacha pratis, right?

Crawling Axe said...

You never sad you wanted points.

Hmm, let’s see. Avoid passive voice.

Wait, is that pointers?

The Real Shliach said...

Huh?

Btw, I met your friend Boruch Arky. Now he's my friend too.

Crawling Axe said...

Boruch is a very nice guy. Take care of him. Tell him I got new glasses. Are you guys learning Ranat/Ranaz together?

Crawling Axe said...

Hey, were you there with the duck?

The Real Shliach said...

Likkutei Torah.

What duck?

Crawling Axe said...

At Rosenhaus Estate.

le7 said...

One of them was at Machon Alte.

The Real Shliach said...

CA: If I had facebook I could read that link.

le7: One of what was at machon alte?

le7 said...

A Rosey.

Crawling Axe said...

Would not that be something?

Everything that Hashem created, He created for His glory. Facebook of all things.

The Real Shliach said...

le7: after a talk with boruch, and this comment, I get it.

CA: t'would be. Once I become a campus shliach we'll see about it.

le7 said...

Do you really get it?

The Real Shliach said...

You want proof or something?

le7 said...

Yeah.

The Real Shliach said...

So let's see... hmm... going to the estate for swimming or basketball or something (the tiferes guys, anyway)? Yeah, I remember talking about this.

le7 said...

We never talked about that.

The Real Shliach said...

Sure we did. A couple times.

le7 said...

This general subject but not that b'frat.

Crawling Axe said...

Did Boruch tell you about Lucy?

The Real Shliach said...

le7: I beg to differ.

(ha! Now who says that men don't listen?)

CA: no? Please expound.

le7 said...

No, we really didn't.

Crawling Axe said...

This whole discussion started only because of Lucy. Ask Boruch. Sarabonne would like Lucy.

The Real Shliach said...

le7: yes we did.

CA: no, it started because I mentioned that I had met boruch.

le7 said...

No we didn't.

Crawling Axe said...

It was a keili to get the conversation started about Lucy. Sof b’ma’aseh…

The Real Shliach said...

le7: how much you wanna bet, white girl?

CA: Convince yourself. Nu, who is she?

le7 said...

$toaster oven?

Crawling Axe said...

Not she, it.

The Real Shliach said...

le7: I don't make bets with pocket change.

CA: a dog?

Crawling Axe said...

Dude. Why would Sarabonne like a dog?

le7 said...

$new mattresses and a washing machine?

Crawling Axe said...

One of these.

The Real Shliach said...

CA: why wouldn't she?

le7: you're on!

CA: why would she?

Crawling Axe said...

No, no. You should bet on one of those.

Why would someone who likes the likes of Lucy like the likes of a dog?

Qtap said...

Crawling Ax, that morphing dragon thing is awesome. If I had money, I would so get one.

Crawling Axe said...

You don’t think you’d get tired of it very soon?

Qtap said...

I'm easily amused.

Crawling Axe said...

How do you like these then?

Crawling Axe said...

Or these?.. (Click on one of them to read the description of what they are.)

le7 said...

I want one of those!

Qtap said...

It's like Silly Putty, but more! What's the texture like, I might just get some. Oh, the evil I could do... ...In a good way of course.

I think I will go off and explore this site a bit now. It can share a place in my favourites with other sites of awesome random amusey things.

Crawling Axe said...

Which ones?

Crawling Axe said...

Qtap, see his other stuff at the top. For instance, Mandership. (Beware: despite being able to make really cute things, the guy can be a jerk and sometimes use strong language.)

The Real Shliach said...

CA: why would someone prefer דומם to חי?

Crawling Axe said...

Lucy is not דומם.

The Real Shliach said...

Anthropomorphism aside...

Crawling Axe said...

Even then. What do you mean, anthropomorphism? That’s her real name. Wait, birds are not חי?

Qtap said...

I thought Lucy was a dog, now she's a bird?

Crawling Axe said...

She was never a dog. TRS had a fantasy that she was a dog.

The Real Shliach said...

I hate to break it to you, CA, but in fact Lucy is an inanimate object.

Crawling Axe said...

1) Depends on your definition of “animate” and “inanimate”;
2) Depends on your definition of Lucy.

The Real Shliach said...

3. I mentioned Lucy to Boruch and he had no
idea what I was talking about.

Crawling Axe said...

Perhaps he did not know her by that name. I can’t find a picture of them together in one shot.

The Real Shliach said...

I tried describing this toy to him, but he had no clue what I was talking about.

Crawling Axe said...

Dude. Lucy is not a toy! It’s a duck that was swimming in the pool at the estate where all the bochurim went.

Maybe on this note we can close one of the more confusing conversations on TRS.

The Real Shliach said...

Wait!! I thought Lucy was one of the toys you linked to!

Crawling Axe said...

Never have I indicated that. The toy was a suggestion of what you guys should bet. Why would someone name a little fluffy dragon Lucy?

Qtap said...

Why wouldn't someone name a fluffy dragon Lucy? It's a good name.

The Real Shliach said...

I mentioned to boruch this duck of yours named Lucy-he had no idea what I was talking about.

Crawling Axe said...

OMG, they ate the duck!

The Real Shliach said...

What are you going on about?