Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Bel and the detective

Jonathan was listening to some oi on his hi-fi when his mother walked in to his room. "Oy!" she said, "What is this you're listening to, and you the oe of a great civil rights leader!" Jonathan slowly turned his head to face his mother, and insolently replied, "That's none of your business, woman."

A couple of hours later Jonathan's father came home, and his wife told him all that his son had done. "Not only was the music he was listening to of a most disgusting quality," she reported, "but he said the rudest thing to me!" Jonathan's father promised to deal with the issue immediately, and following a quick gin and tonic (for courage) he retraced his wife's steps up the stairs and knocked on his son's door.

Thirty minutes later Jonathan's father was explaining to the police detective what exactly had happened.

"Well, basically, you know, he was always such a good kid. As you know, his grandfather is Carlos Frank, the great civil rights leader. But today his mother walked into the room, and what happened? He was listening to the most disgusting music and then said something terrible to her. I came in a little later from work, and after hearing what had happened I resolved to sort the situation out. Up I went to my son's room, and after there was no response to my knocking I tried to open the door. It wouldn't budge, which was odd, because there isn't a lock on the door. I shoved the door, but it seemed like there was something heavy behind it preventing it from opening, so I decided to enter through the window."

At this point the officer interjected, "And up to this point you'd heard nothing, not even when you tried to force your way in?"

"That's correct officer, I heard nothing."

"And what did you do next?"

"Well, I went to the ladder to get the garage-"

"You mean you went to the garage to get a ladder?" interjected the officer again.

"Yes, that's right, excuse me."

"And why did you decide to go through the window"

"Well, I was scared for my son-after all, maybe he was hurt or something?"

"Ok."

"Right, so I got the ladder and walked over to the ground beneath my son's window. I looked up to see if there was anything not normal visible, but it looked totally normal. After setting the ladder up against the wall I proceeded to climb up. When I got halfway I stopped, because I thought I had heard something, but it was just a passing rabbit, so I continued. When I got to the window I was surprised to see that I couldn't see inside it. I tried to pry it open, but it was latched from the inside, so I knocked on it. There was no answer, so I broke it open."

"How'd you do that?" asked the officer.

"Well, I had my cellphone on me, so I just hit the window as hard as I could and it broke."

"The window broke?"

"No, the cellphone broke."

"So what did you next?"

"I climbed down, got an axe, and climbed back down. I then swung the axe at the window and it cracked. I swung again, and it broke. I then realized that I wasn't able to see inside because there was a sheet in the window, so I pushed it aside."

"What did you see then?"

"Well, I, it was, crazy... just crazy."

"Hmm?" the officer asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Well, at first I didn't know what was going on. The lights were off, and there was a large golden statue on the nightstand, which had been moved to the center of the room. Jonathan was prostrated before it, and he had a knife in his hand. I jumped in through the window to the floor, and ran to my son. When I was within about three feet of him he suddenly rose up and said, 'Come no further!' I stopped in my tracks, and he said, 'Bow before the great god Bel or I shall slay you this instant!' If I hadn't thought he was serious I would have burst out laughing, it was so ridiculous."

"So then what happened?"

"Well, I said, 'Jonathan, what's going on here?' He replied, 'Will you bow or not?' Again I asked him what was happening, and he suddenly lunged at me screaming, 'Die heretic!!' with the knife pointed at my heart. I jumped to my left, and he plunged head first out the open window, screaming as he went, 'For Bellll!!!' And that was that."

"Wow, that's quite the story."

24 comments:

sarabonne said...

The father then sought therapy.

Qtap said...

That really is quite a story. It's sad that it is entirely plausible.

le7 said...

Wow. Wacky. Where'd he get the idol?

The Real Shliach said...

Sara: what's with you and therapy?

Qtap: I try.

le7: he melted down his father's gold watch.

sarabonne said...

I'm keeping you consistent. Where would your stories be without the solace of therapy?

The Real Shliach said...

I'm not quite sure if I'd use the word solace...

sarabonne said...

lol, true, but a nice word nonetheless.

Altie said...
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Altie said...
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Altie said...

sorry i havent commented in a while. been busy. and this is not much of a comment, no, i didnt actually read the post, i saw it was fiction and decided my life needs to stay in reality right now. maybe ill get to it sometime... probably not.

good to see ur still writing. wut with wedding preps and all. wish i could say the same for me. (the writing part, not wedding. though being head counselor and all, i get the wedding jokes now, which are not funny, especially when all the campers excitedly ask me when the wedding is, and i have to tell them, there is no guy yet. lol. )

enough abt me. keep writing. (and ill make believe i read it.)

The Real Shliach said...

Sara: yes, it was a good word.

Altie: when I was a counsellor in camp in CA I would be so tired out after each day that I'd go to sleep for like two hours right after the last kid left-i.e. I know where you're coming from.

Altie said...

and u were just a counselor...

thanks for the sympathy

The Real Shliach said...

Sure thing.

Crawling Axe said...

Western music, heh?

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

le7: Your average upscale lamp store has all sorts of idols if you know enough history. Just unscrew the bulb and cut off the cord

Zvi said...

Good story.

You know, by the way, that 'Bel' is the idol from the story of Daniel HaTzaddik in the apocryphic book 'Bel and the Dragon', don't you?

The Real Shliach said...

CA: that's what your blaming it on?

Modeh: !בעל תשכיס

Zvi: thanks.

Of course I know! Hence the name of the story...

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

You spell in Hebrew like a yeshiva bochur.

zvi: apocryphal. Apocryphic is Greek for "something to do with the extra bit." apocryphal means "one of the extra bits" big difference.

The Real Shliach said...

Modeh: Makes sense, no?

Cheerio said...

hmmm...
interesting story. i'm wondering about the interpretation of it... (the main character's name kind of disturbs me...)

The Real Shliach said...

Nothing to do with him. His name was just in my head when I started writing it...

Cheerio said...

oh.
mine too.

The Real Shliach said...

The difference is, his name left my head at some point... :)

Cheerio said...

:D