Sunday, March 29, 2009

Dear TRS: advice for the masses

This is the first installment of what I hope will be a regular feature on TRS: an advice column. And let's get right down to it.

Dear Sir:

My cow refuses to eat the grass put before him. And he constantly hits me too. And steals my mechanical pencil. And won't allow me to use his sefarim as a book holder. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Fish.
--
Dear Fish,

Your cow refuses to eat the grass put before him? How absolutely ghastly. And physical abuse is certainly not cricket. Neither is theft. Perhaps though you might soften on your stance of misappropriation of property, and he might come around on his own. At the very least you could simply stop telling him the latest gossip regarding your family-he'd certainly fall very quickly for that ploy.

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Dear Sir:

Shmuley Boteach has a nasty habit of writing stupid things. How do I prevent this in the future?

Sincerely,

Someone's future son in law.
--
Dear someone's future son in law,

Shmuley Boteach has made a living of writing incendiary copy and then backtracking faster than even I ever have. The man is positively obsessed with being politically correct, and can't bear the thought of looking like a fundamentalist. He's also a wonderful human being (that's to save myself from his libel-seeking lawyers). My advice is, stop reading his articles and instead read those of Meir Kahane, who is probably closer to your cup of white hot chocolate (from Second Cup, of course), though he isn't as entertaining, principally because he's been insufferably right lately, despite his current deceased status.

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Dear Sir:

Why is it okay for a Republican to root for Tiger Woods but not for Barack Obama?

Sincerely,

Randy Moss
--
Dear Randy Moss,

Perhaps it's because the former gets the job done?

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Dear Sir:

Why is it that people think they can get away with writing nothing of substance if they can come up with a couple of cheap jokes and a few jibes at America's president?

Sincerely,

IJT
---
Dear IJT,

Darling, I have no idea what you're talking about.

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And thus concludes our first edition of whatever it is we'll be calling it in the future. Go us!

33 comments:

sarabonne said...

Hah! I had no idea you'd follow through. You can call it "Dear Mr. Cow", or "Ask Kermit" or "The Real Turtle Says..." lol

The Real Shliach said...

I'm glad you think you're so hilarious. And of course, I always keep my word. Well, sometimes...

e said...

Cute

e said...

subscribing

e said...

TRS, that boteach article wasn't bad. what was your problem with it?

The Real Shliach said...

I didn't like his thing at the end there about Moses and the killing of the midianites.

le7 said...

This was hilarious. Where did I miss the request for this??

le7 said...

Also, RE: the poll. Your readers are a bunch of lushes!

joseph said...

lol very funny
were can i send questions to?

joseph said...

lol very funny

Crawling Axe said...

Nicely said. If you keep it up, we can call you the Really Frum Satire.

The Real Shliach said...

le7: It wasn't on this blog.
re: poll: sure looks like it.

Joseph: Glad you like it. Questions can be emailed to me at therealshliach at gmail.com

CA: As in, I'm really frum?

Crawling Axe said...

Well, really in the sense of “genuinely”, not “very”. I mean, I am sure the second one too (you’re quite a fundy), but I don’t know you personally.

e said...

CA: trs is a softie in fundi's clothing

The Real Shliach said...

TRS is someone who has stopped seeing the world in black and white.

Crawling Axe said...

I take pictures in black-and-white only (mamesh, not as a metaphor). I am ignoring the colors to accentuate the form, blurriness, f-stop, texture, contrast, interplay of shapes, composition, etc. I find it easier to focus on these things if you ignore the color, which is such a powerful visual attraction.

It doesn’t mean I am color blind. I know the colors are out there — I just choose to ignore them for a reason. (This part was also a metaphor.)

Sef said...

I didn't really understand Fish's problem.

I liked the answer for Randy Moss.

ehehehe....I didn't know you could be funny.

The Real Shliach said...

You have to know Fish.

Me too,

Really? You don't know me either.

Sef said...

Who's Fish? I want to know Fish.

Are you sure about that?

The Real Shliach said...

You really want to know Fish (I mean, to go out with him? He's a great guy...)

If you think I'm not funny...

Sef said...

well....does he smell like fish? Cause if he does, then maybe not.

I don't usually think.

The Real Shliach said...

No, he doesn't smell like fish. That's his nickname.

I noticed.

Sef said...

I'll get back to you on it.

good.

The Real Shliach said...

Really? Cool.

Excellent.

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

Nice. Expect questions.

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

Nice. Expect questions.

sarabonne said...

hah! yes, set her up with Fish, lol.

The Real Shliach said...

I'm ready and waiting.

The Real Shliach said...

Sara: I thought he was reserved for you?

sarabonne said...

You want I should marry a fish?

The Real Shliach said...

Yup.

Fab Gal/Farbrengen said...

BS"D
Wow, all these shidduchim offers flying about! Lovely.

Anywho, just poked in to say "hi"...
Happy&Kosher Pesach, and let's celebrate it the right way this year... Oleh Regel, Korban in the BHM"K, Pesach Yerushalmi style mamash!

sarabonne said...

re. offers, seriously, its your fault with all those blessings! lol