Monday, March 23, 2009

Rejection is not a good thing

My chavrusa is a good guy, cow notwithstanding, and he bought a book for me to read (what else would I do with it?) entitled "Off the Derech-Why observant Jews leave Judaism, how to respond to the challenge," by Faranak Margolese. We'll talk about this book and other things after a brief message from our sponsors:
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Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled programming. So yeah, I'm reading this book, and a lot of what she says makes sense. At first I was thinking, "Hey, these issues she's describing aren't found in Lubavitch homes," but then I realized that Lubavitchers are frieing out too, so obviously these problems are found in Lubavitch homes. What's the solution? How the heck should I know? But the following are some things I gleaned from the text. I know that they might be a bit obvious, but it can be good to see the bleeding obvious every once in a while and realize that it might just be true.

You know, I was thinking about my own life, and I realized that I am the way I am today because I had some excellent parents and teachers. I could have very easily turned out way different, but they didn't respond with rejection and all that shtuff, they responded with love. Or something like that. Here's that list:

1. Put your child first.
2. Love unconditionally.
3. Never abuse in any way.
4. Set realistic expectations.
5. Don't fight everything your child does.
6. Never embarrass your child publicly.
7. Accept your child.
8. Never reject your child
9. Rebellion now does not equal life long behavior.
10. Your child needs both quality and quantity time with you.
11. Respect your child, and he will respect you.
12. Judaism must be filled with joy, infused with meaning, practiced
enthusiastically.
13. Don't ignore questions.

Pretty good, eh? This doesn't mean that I agree with everything she says. I think that a lot of the problems she describes could be dealt with very nicely by chassidus. Obviously that's not the only answer, but it can be very helpful.

One very good point she did make is that ninety percent of the Jewish population is not observant. Ten generations ago the vast majority of Jews were observant. What happened? One kid went "off the derech", his kid went further, eventually society permitted for many more Jews to leave their faith, and Boom! There we are. People who think that the solution is to ignore the problem or send it away are in fact ignoring the real possibility that orthodox Judaism could very well disappear. Seems far-fetched? So did the possibility, 300 years ago, that nine out of ten Jews would not be religiously observant. But when you think about it, once upon a time, those kids were also at risk, they were also going "off the derech". And what happened? Someday failed big time.

Will we fail big time? I'd sincerely hope not. But this is a major issue. It's possibly the major issue. If we believe in Judaism, then we must do everything possible to ensure its continuity. If we ignore the issues, then that's not going to happen. It's not enough, as I wrote last night, to simply have faith and believe that it will all be good. No, we have to ensure that it will be good.

51 comments:

le7 said...

Nice tips.

e said...

This is all about the "kids at risk" who leave. this doesn't address the young adults who leave (i.e footsteps' clients).

e said...

Subscribing

Anarchist Chossid said...

What happened was exactly chassidus. Or, rather, lack of it. Inability to do sublimation and transformation with the world.

When Yiddishkeit is about Eibeshter — there is only one Eibeshter. When Yiddishkeit is about culture — why, there are many cultures.

Anarchist Chossid said...

My mother says, there is only one tip parents should be given: “Your child is not a cat.” There is a difference between being a parent and owning a pet.

If they have brains and allow the significance of what it means to be a parent of another human being penetrate their mind, they will be good parents. If they don’t have brains… well, I guess you can’t say that some of these guidebooks won’t help, but I don’t think they’ll help much.

Anonymous said...

Very interesting. As you said, the list was true to some extent, but i dont agree with all the things. Btw, did ur chavrusa get it for you cos you are freiing out!?

Just like a guy said...

le7: I thought so.
e: once they're gone what you gonna do? Push them away further? The only answer is strong ropes of love (c.f. chapter 32 Tanya)
CA: so what's your point?
YOEC: nu, what don't you agree with?
Maybe, maybe... :)

Anonymous said...

cow?

The tips help, but I'm still not getting the book. Most people who write about these things sit on their high horses with a self-righteous expression on their faces and steadfastly refuse to allow there knowledge to be marred by facts. Of course you can't hear what they're saying too clearly because they usually speak through an orifice other than their mouths too.

Just like a guy said...

Cow=long story
Book=I liked it.

Anonymous said...

i dont agree with number 3. never abuse in anyway. i feel, at times a child needs and deserves a beating, however as soon as it is done make sure your child knows why he deserved it. and if he is doning badly at school, let him know he is not working. YELL AT HIM!!!! what happened to those days of beating your kid with a sick?

Cheerio said...

it's nice to come back to reading blogs and find some interesting stuff waiting.
those tips are good. when reading them, they might seem obvious - but they're not. i'm an intelligent, kind, loving person - but i can see how easily i could screw up being a parent. it's not easy, and it's not neccessarily instinctual.
the effect our parents and teachers have on us as children and as young adults is immeasurable.
it's why the idea of sending my kids to school is even more terrifying than the idea of having kids. who knows what will happen to them out there?

and to yoec: look up the definition of abuse, please.

Anonymous said...

to cheerio: there are several types of abuse and the ones i am referring to are physical and verbal-which when i read the list i presumed that was what she was referring to.

Just like a guy said...

Anon: do you have kids? I didn't think so. In today's world, if you beat a kid, they'll arrest you. If you verbally abuse a kid, they'll arrest you. Call it meshane hadoros if you want, but abuse is never okay.
Also, I made this list, not her. It's shtuff she mentions in the book, but I put it together.

Cheerio: scary it is. Very scary.

Anonymous said...

ok, i was beat as a kid when i was bad and yelled at when i wasnt working hard and i turned out ok. what right do the courts have to tell you you are not allowed to yell at your own son??? and then the world wonder why kids these days are the way they are???

Just like a guy said...

First of all, who said you turned out ok? And maybe you did, but the vast majority of kids who are constantly hit or screamed at don't turn out ok. Discipline is one thing, but you won't accomplish anything with abuse.

Anonymous said...

Did i say constantly beating kids? I said when they deserve it.

bonne said...

Cow-Hah! Didja eat any grass today?
re.Kids-*Shudder, I'm terrified.

Just like a guy said...

Yoec: nu, and when is that? Btw, do I know you?

Sara: remember what I threatened you with? Because you sound exactly like my chavrusa...

Kids: scary it is

Anonymous said...

you do know me.

Anonymous said...

and that would be as i mentioned above, when they misbehave, do bad at school etc... use your common sense.

Just like a guy said...

I figured I did. Nu, can we get some disclosure.

Common sense isn't so common. I know a lot of parents and teachers who have no clue what they're doing and punish accordingly.

Anonymous said...

ok, but i am talking about someone who know why they are punishing their child and not just hitting them for the sake of hitting-that i agree with you is child abuse. but t hit a child when he deserves it should be done. the same goes with rewarding, a parent shouldn't just reward a child cos the parent loves the child, no, the rewards have to be given in moderation, just as you wont give a child a reward if he hasnt done anything to deserve it, and you you would give him a reward when he does deserve it, you wouldnt punish him for no reason.
and about teachers who have no idea what they are doing and just punish kids, they should be removed as a teacher and go work in a jail.

Anarchist Chossid said...

There is an expression in one Russian book: “The orators was spouting nonsense with а deep, self-fulfilled look.”

That’s you, yoec. Did you wake up this morning and instead of Moideh Ani tell yourself: “I am going to spout some b.s.”? Is that what happened?

Anonymous said...

CA: what the heck are you talking about?

Yitzchak said...

CA:Line sounds familiar to me. Dostoevsky, the idiot?

Anarchist Chossid said...

MBM, although the title would certainly be fitting the occasion, I think it’s Ilf and Petrov, either Twelve Chairs or Golden Calf.

Just like a guy said...

CA: be nice, he claims to be a friend of mine.

Anonymous said...

Not claim, i am a friend of yours. You just don't know who.

Just like a guy said...

What kind of friend remains anonymous?

Anonymous said...

what anonymous? i gave my mane y.o.e.c.

Just like a guy said...

When I figure that out I'll let you know.

Cheerio said...

well, he's obviously someone you know from la...

Just like a guy said...

I wouldn't be so sure. Either way, I refuse to devote the slightest bit of brain power to the matter.

Anonymous said...

well seems like u already have. and yes, you know me form LA.

Anonymous said...

CA: Then I don't know where I recognize it from because I never read twelve chairs

Anarchist Chossid said...

Have you read the Golden Calf?

Just like a guy said...

Yoec: you call that brain power? For shame. Regardless, if I know you from LA, then great. If you're so desperate to keep your anonymity, then great. But I'm really not interested in spending any time trying to figure out who you are.

Cheerio said...

it's so entertaining when TRS gives commentors the cut direct!

Just like a guy said...

What's "the cut direct"?

Cheerio said...

i think i meant a "setdown" - i was a little confused at the time.

Just like a guy said...

What's a "setdown"? And regarding what were you confused?

Cheerio said...

i'm reading too many Regency novels. ignore it. or google it.

Just like a guy said...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Regency_novel

How does this explain anything?

Cheerio said...

it's a term from that era.

Just like a guy said...

And it means...?

Cheerio said...

google it. i'm at work and i gotta get back to slicing carrots and listening to r' paltiel online (ooh, i'm being so holy!).

Just like a guy said...

I'm sorry, but a quick Google failed to reveal the mysterious meaning. I mean, how long can it take you to type one out already?

And yes, holy holy holy you are.

Cheerio said...

it's more a matter of ascertaining that i have a correct comprehension of the term, so i don't make a fool out of myself in the public sphere.
but it basically means putting someone in their place. like an insult, but a deserved one.

Just like a guy said...

That's what I figured. Do yourself a favor and don't use it.

Anarchist Chossid said...

TRS, such an American thing to say.

Anarchist Chossid said...

— I want to expand my everyday vocabulary a bit.
— Umm… better not.

Don’t listen to him, Cheerio.