Dear TRS: advice for the masses

This is the first installment of what I hope will be a regular feature on TRS: an advice column. And let's get right down to it.

Dear Sir:

My cow refuses to eat the grass put before him. And he constantly hits me too. And steals my mechanical pencil. And won't allow me to use his sefarim as a book holder. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Fish.
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Dear Fish,

Your cow refuses to eat the grass put before him? How absolutely ghastly. And physical abuse is certainly not cricket. Neither is theft. Perhaps though you might soften on your stance of misappropriation of property, and he might come around on his own. At the very least you could simply stop telling him the latest gossip regarding your family-he'd certainly fall very quickly for that ploy.

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Dear Sir:

Shmuley Boteach has a nasty habit of writing stupid things. How do I prevent this in the future?

Sincerely,

Someone's future son in law.
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Dear someone's future son in law,

Shmuley Boteach has made a living of writing incendiary copy and then backtracking faster than even I ever have. The man is positively obsessed with being politically correct, and can't bear the thought of looking like a fundamentalist. He's also a wonderful human being (that's to save myself from his libel-seeking lawyers). My advice is, stop reading his articles and instead read those of Meir Kahane, who is probably closer to your cup of white hot chocolate (from Second Cup, of course), though he isn't as entertaining, principally because he's been insufferably right lately, despite his current deceased status.

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Dear Sir:

Why is it okay for a Republican to root for Tiger Woods but not for Barack Obama?

Sincerely,

Randy Moss
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Dear Randy Moss,

Perhaps it's because the former gets the job done?

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Dear Sir:

Why is it that people think they can get away with writing nothing of substance if they can come up with a couple of cheap jokes and a few jibes at America's president?

Sincerely,

IJT
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Dear IJT,

Darling, I have no idea what you're talking about.

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And thus concludes our first edition of whatever it is we'll be calling it in the future. Go us!