Saturday, August 29, 2009

SOS from London

Help! I'm stuck in London, and I've just had all my possessions taken off me by a vicious (and, dare I say, viscous) squid that was attached to a computer's arm by a large hard drive. Anyway, as I was saying, I'm getting married in a little over two weeks, and I'd love to be there for it, but if I don't get four thousand dollars from you wired to my account now then I might just not be able to. Which would seriously stink.

Listen, I know that many of you are probably skeptical of this. Let me be the first to say that if I was you (which I'm not, thank the one above) I'd also be intensely skeptical. But please, hear me out. What happened was this. I signed up for a facebook account, and I was immediately transported to London. I don't know either. All I do know is that after a few moments of wishing I was traveling on British Airways I landed on top of the London Eye, and then immediately plunged onto the Millennium Dome, which doesn't exist anymore. I immediately realized this, and promptly fell into the nothingness that is now there. All right, that's not true. But the rest id I promise!

Anyway, I hit the roof of the O2, and then rolled off it and into the arms of the squid. I was quite surprised, because most squid don't have arms, but this one did. Don't believe me? Your loss. Actually, it was my loss, because that squid took all my earthly possessions, not to mention my ashes, which were floating above earth with Gene Roddenberry and three hundred carburetors.

So there I was, penniless, alone, in London, redundant tautology, and I didn't even have a tuna sandwich. What would I do? Where could I go? What could I do? Where could I go?

After ruminating over these thoughts for a while I decided to give my hungry mind a rest and decided to turn to you, my faithful facebook friend, in the hopes of quick salvation at your hands. Credit card. Same difference.

Good. So you want to help me get home? Just click here....

98 comments:

Mushkie said...

This is from now?
Sorry, I don't have 4 thousand. But can I have your ma'aser for my family's Chabad House? How does one fall into nothingness? I had a dream that I fell off a cliff and after about 5 minutes of just falling, I realized it was pointless to stay in a dream that would never end, because I would never die in a dream...so I woke up.

Yossi said...

the whole problem is that you signed up for facebook.
feh

Lady-Light said...

I just love Bed Bath & Beyond!

Altie said...

because that squid took all my earthly possessions,-

but they left you your laptop to write this post?

Now I agree with lady-light. You ARE losing it!

e said...

this reminds me of the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy.

Menashe said...

What does it cost to keep you there?

The Real Shliach said...

Mushkie: This is from now.

Maaser: No, I need it.

Nothingness: Try it. It's fun.

Yossi: Whoever finds me on facebook wins seven million points.

Lady-Light: So does my kallah!

Altie: What laptop? I never had a laptop.

e: I thought you of all people would understand this post!

Menashe: Four million dollars, payable in bullion.

Altie said...

okay right, my bad. I mean your itouch thingamajig.

Wait, so you really got facebook? Gasp!

e said...

You were imitatating something which happened to a friend of ours?

The Real Shliach said...

Altie: Did you search?

e: Yes. If you followed twitter you would know that there was a great conversation last night featuring the kallah and C...

e said...

when you get facebook, I'll get twitter (maybe).

The Real Shliach said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
e said...

when you start to use your facebook, I might use my twitter.

Altie said...

Wait, so, you DIDN'T get facebook?

I wasn't stupid enough to search for a name. That's a waste of time.

I DID however look under your email addresses. Both of them. And came up with nothing. So I'll assume that you don't really have facebook.

E has twitter? Your kallah has twitter? C has twitter? Am I the only one who doesn't? And here I was, thinking it was a waste of time.

Altie said...

AND he has 12 followers and no tweets. Lame.

The Real Shliach said...

I did not.

Really? I did not know.

I don't.

It's not.

Yes, it's lame.

Altie said...

yes it is a waste of time. And so is facebook.

And if you think it's not, then why don't you have it?

e said...

I got twitter just to keep someone else from stealing the username.

The Real Shliach said...

Twitter is not nearly as much a waste of time as facebook, and it doesn't have nearly the same temptations as facebook.

e said...

balderdash.

Altie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Altie said...

This coming from the man who doesn't have facebook.

Temptations? Like what?

e said...

there are four people with my name. Please delete your previous comment.

The Real Shliach said...

Altie: Temptations? I know enough bochurim... one simple example is photo albums... my friend's friend is my friend is my friend...

Altie said...

Fine. But I still think it's a waste of time.

And 4 people? Man it must get confusing to be you.

Altie said...

Okay. Agreed. And messaging, and adding girls as friends. Shudder.

And how is twitter any better?

The Real Shliach said...

Twitter: No photo albums, videos, apps on the site, it's basically all public, for the whole world to see... obviously if someone wants to use it to sin then they will do that, but in general it's relatively innocuous.

Cheerio said...

now this is a true crime story!
also, if squid dont have arms, what do they have? i mean, whats the real difference between tentacles and arms?

The Real Shliach said...

Cheerio: See? For you I do much...

http://squid.tepapa.govt.nz/anatomy/article/the-arms-and-tentacles

C said...

TRS-Give credit where credit is due. Yossi got it.

And yeah, I have twitter. So what?

Altie said...

C- u getting all defensive.. nothings wrong with it. Enjoy.

I just dont recommend it.

The Real Shliach said...

C: Did Yossi get it? I'm not sure.

C said...

Altie-I actually wrote that very calmly.

TRS-Ask him.

Mushkie said...

1. Ma'aser must be given to charity. I qualify.

2. Facebook is only a waste of time if used as such. I have Facebook and there are privacy settings that prevent the photo scenario you said.

Please daven for Yitzchak ben Devora for a spiritual refuah and Simcha Dovid ben Sara for a physical one. Thank you.

The Real Shliach said...

C: I will, right now.

"Nu, Yossi, did you get it?"

Mushkie: 1. I don't?

2. True. It's most probably only kelipas nogah.

e said...

Mushkie: what's up with this guy who needs a spiritual refuah shleima? Is he on the brink of apostasy? Sounds interesting.

Cheerio said...

trs - i appreciate it, but i can't click on the link. and i am just that lazy. (that last line was in response to the obvious question: why dont you just copy and paste?)

Mushkie said...

TRS: Maybe you do, but last I checked you can't give it to yourself. If you don't want to give it to me give it to my father.

E: Yes. No, it's not interesting. It's very scary and sad. Daven.

The Real Shliach said...

Cheerio: Well, I will summarize it for you then:

Like all squid, the colossal squid has eight arms and two tentacles. Each of the arms is a different length, ranging from 0.85 metres to 1.15 metres. The two tentacles are longer than the arms and are about 2.1 metres long.

The colossal squid is unique because it has incredible rotating hooks on the club-shaped ends of the tentacles. These are used for grabbing and holding prey! The arms differ from the tentacles in having many more and much bigger suckers, and hooks that do not rotate.
Rotating tentacle hooks

The tentacle hooks and the arm hooks are very different. The hooks on the tentacles can swivel, but the arm hooks cannot.

Each tentacle hook sits on a short stalk, flush with the inner surface of the tentacle club, in a flattened depression — this allows the flattened 'back' surface of the hook to rotate. The hooks can rotate right round, through 360 degrees.

We don't know whether the squid can actively control each hook individually, or whether the hooks swivel passively once latched onto the prey to keep a grip on it.

There are two rows of rotating hooks on the middle part (manus) of the tentacle club, and 22 to 25 tentacle hooks in total. These swivelling hooks are smaller than the hooks on the arms and have only a single main 'claw'. Each row of rotating hooks is flanked by a row of tiny, marginal suckers.
Arm hooks

The arm hooks are set in a double row in the middle of each arm, with the serrated suckers above and below them. The arm hooks are set in fleshy, very muscular sheaths and are strongly attached to the arms. They probably help to hold and immobilise struggling prey as it is being killed and eaten.

Most of the arm hooks have a strong main 'claw', with two smaller cusps closer to the hook's base. This makes them three-pointed and maximises their ability to hold and dig in. The base of each hook also has a complex structure that is set deep into the surrounding muscle.
Suckers

There are suckers on both the arms and tentacles of the colossal squid. All squid have suckers and their number, type, and arrangement is unique for each species.

Squid suckers have a calcareous inner structure. In colossal squid these are sharply serrated and probably lethal to prey. Toothfish caught on longlines sometimes have circular marks where they have been damaged by colossal squid suckers.
Hooked squid

Other squid families have hooks on the arms or tentacles, or both. The colossal squid is the only hooked squid in its family (the Cranchiidae), which includes about 20 species.

Mushkie: Have you ever learned the relevant halachos? You might be surprised by what you discover.

re: e: I happen to agree with e-it's very intriguing, and our prayers would go over much better with a little more info.

e said...

yeah mushkie, do tell.

Altie said...

y'all just want an excuse to gossip.

The Real Shliach said...

and if so?

Altie said...

Oh shucks you stumped me.

Cheerio said...

trs - squid are FREAKIN TERRIFYING!

Cheerio said...

and mushkie - i would tell all these peeps to buzz off your case and stop requesting personal info. but this is a blog, and wanting personal info is kind of a required trait. a given.
so fess up. (without identifying details if possible. its elul. im feeling responsible).

The Real Shliach said...

Altie: Ha!

Cheerio: maskim

Altie said...

TRS- ha. That was sarcasm.

I still think very low of gossipers.

The Real Shliach said...

A bad blogger you make.

Altie said...

Why? cuz I don't gossip on my blog?

No, a smart fellow I make.

The Real Shliach said...

No, who gossips on their blog? That's bad form. The trick is to gossip off the blog...

Altie said...

You suck. Now you have put me in a compramising position.

The Real Shliach said...

Please watch the language.

And don't worry, everyone does it. It's half the fun!

Altie said...

Language? Oh naive are you.

Everyone does it... but does that make it right?

Whats the other half?

The Real Shliach said...

Naive in this case is a good thing.

Maskim.

The blog itself.

Altie said...

Maskim.

Maskim.

Okay. So your fun in life consists of blogging, and gossiping. Oh joy.

The Real Shliach said...

--

--

Many people's fun in life consist of much less. And anyway, I didn't say my sole "fun" in life came from this, I said that my fun in it came from this.

Altie said...

Okay, enjoy.

Cheerio said...

altie - you are not a smart fellow.
trs - Bad Form - a phrase that never fails to send chills down my spine.

Altie said...

Really? That is such a letdown, cuz that's what everyone's been telling me all my life!! You mean its all a lie?

Cheerio said...

yes, your whole life has been a lie! i know a good therapist if you need one.

Altie said...

Oh my! Now I'm going through an identity crisis! Who am I, really.

Give me the number of your therapist. Though truthfully they do more harm then help.

Cheerio said...

who says?

Altie said...

I do.

C said...

TRS-Alas, commenting a couple days late does not help.

Now do you understand me?

Cheerio said...

altie - personal experience? or uneducated opinion?

Altie said...

No comment. You'll bash me either way.

The Real Shliach said...

Cheerio: Why does it send chills?

Altie: Why is psychotherapy bad? It's helped many people.

C: Hold strong! (I feel your pain)

Cheerio said...

no bashing.
if personal experience, i extend my sympathies that you had a negative experience with someone who is supposed to help you.
if opinion, then i'll argue that that is not the case, and cite all the experiences of friends who have benefited greatly from therapy.

Altie said...

'Though truthfully they do more harm then help.'

I didnt say it's bad. Just maybe not so helpful.

'So how do you feel about that?'

Cheerio said...

girl, i don't need to bash.

Altie said...

:) I know. I didn't mean bashing in the mean sense of the word.

Ok, uneducated opinion.

Lets say like this: maybe they can help you. But from what I've heard, there are people who for to therapy for years and years and never change a thing, and their life doesn't get better.

Therapy can only help you if you WANT to be helped, and if you truly help yourself.

Cheerio said...

trs - Dustin Hoffman as Captain Hook? The wig, the curled mustache, the combination English/Southern drawl, the gapped teeth??
no chills?

The Real Shliach said...

Cheerio: I'm sorry, you have me there.

Cheerio said...

but that doesnt mean it does more harm than help.
that would imply that it actively harms more people than it helps, not just that it doesnt actually help everyone.

Altie said...

Okay. I take it back.

Cheerio said...

someone less religious than trs! please tell me you've seen Hook, and i'm not the only one who gets chills when they hear Captain James T. Hook's classic phrase; "BAD FORM!"

Cheerio said...

att altie: KADOOSZSSSH!!

Altie said...

cheerio: huh?

Cheerio said...

that is the sweet sound of victory

Altie said...

lol. Okay, good. I thought you'd be happy. (Now call me, I wanna hear that over the phone!)

The Real Shliach said...

Cheerio: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102057/ ?

Cheerio said...

show up to my writing group, and i will make the sound in person, altie.
trs - oh yes. that is a classic.

Altie said...

cheerio- wasnt it supposed to be tnite? I walked past there on my way somewhere and it was dark and closed...

Cheerio said...

it got canceled cuz i wasnt feeling good and no one showed up. go join the facebook group,and then you'll get the messages.

Mushkie said...

For all you snoopers: Someone is vacillating between being frum and totally freing uot. That's it in short. Incorrigible gossipers!

The Real Shliach said...

We figured. Your information leaves precious little to remark upon. Quite disappointing.

e said...

send him to me, I'll straighten him out.

Altie said...

that depends which way is straight.

e said...

if he becomes my disciple, his way might point in a funny direction, but it will certainly be straight.

Altie said...

You wouldnt know straight if it hit you in the face.

He'd be crooked.

e said...

metascruplousness is straight. Everything else is crooked.

Altie said...

you dont have metascruplesness.

The Real Shliach said...

I'm not sure if either of you have this "metascruple" that e delights in.

Altie said...

well at least i can admit to not having it. E wil swear till his dying day that he has the 'meta scruple' and sticks to it. BS if u ask me.

e said...

I suppose we can postulate a meta-metascruple which is determined by one's relationship with the metascruple.

The Real Shliach said...

I can't wait until your doctoral thesis on this subject...

e said...

that's a good idea. i should dump mathematics and get involved in philosophy.

Altie said...

ugh please don't. You'll just corrupt people's brains.

Stick to being a math geek. no one understands you, but at least we can trust that it may be true.