Saturday, August 8, 2009

Lurve Lurve Lurve!

"Jim didn't much like it when his friend Tom forgot to take out the garbage from their room in the university dorm, but he didn't like criticizing Tom even more, so he kept his mouth shut. Tom, meanwhile, couldn't stand it when Jim sang while he was getting changed, but since he was mute he couldn't really do anything about it, so that was that."

"This, class is a perfect example of one-dimensional writing that has pretensions to humor but never really takes off anywhere and instead leaves the reader feeling like a piece of idiocy wrapped in lettuce and served on goyishe rye," said the literature professor, "and yes, Johnson, do you have something to say?"

Johnson did indeed have something to say, and he said it too. "What does it mean to 'feel like a piece of idiocy?'" asked Johnson, "and would it make any difference if you wrapped it in tomato instead?"

'And that's exactly the kind of snarky self-serving statement that I'm trying to breed you people off of," countered the literature professor, "and please, Johnson, see me after class."

"See you after class?" asked another student, "what is this, kindergarten? And anyway, if you're all for intellectual honesty and all that, then what's the problem with-"

The student was cut off by the literature professor, who realizing that he was rapidly losing control of the class, said loudly, "I don't teach this class to get argued with! I thought English majors were all pansies, what are you doing speaking up?!"

His tirade over, the literature professor turned back to his chalkboard to hide the quick swig he was about to take, and a minute later (after a reviving draught) turned back to his students to continue the lesson. Little did he know that one of his students, Lynda, bored out of her boxers by his continued droning, had taken to videoing his lectures with a small video camera and then editing his face so that it appeared as if he was in fact a goat. This was generally good for a few laughs, but usually made it no farther than the student lounge.

Lynda, who generally paid less attention to class than her parents paid in tuition (she was on a full scholarship), had once again been videoing (and not paying attention), but her professor's tirade had caught the ear of a few of her devoted followers, and they congregated around her after class and asked to see the video evidence. It played in glorious if grainy color on Lynda's laptop, and she even she was impressed with what she had gotten. "Nice," she said, "it's a good thing I'm a marketing major."

Six months later...

His career in tatters, the literature professor is working for the Mississippi Department of Education as a danish boy. Johnson is still serving himself, but now it's in front of hundreds of people every night at a successful 0ff-Broadway revival of The Women. And Lynda? She's still spacing out during class. Yup. Good times.

10 comments:

e said...

was this written recently?

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

zeyer shain.

sarabonne said...

Excellent.

Qtap said...

For a literature professor he puts a lot of prepositions at the end of his sentences.

I suppose it just adds to the humour though.

Sebastion said...

I am the walrus. Coo coo kachoo.

C said...

Why does Lynda wear boxers?

Lady-Light said...

I have no clue what you were talking about in this post. Enlighten me?

The Real Shliach said...

e: Yes.

Modeh+Sara: Thanks.

Qtap: It certainly does.

Sebastion: OK, Ferris.

C: They're proverbial.

Lady-light: It's a story.

le7 said...

I feel like Lynda speaks to me. I feel like she is me!

1. Her name has a superfluous 'y' where an 'i' would serve just like my legal name.
2. Scholarship. Parents paying for school. 'Nuff said.
3. She doesn't pay attention in class.

The Real Shliach said...

LOL.