Monday, August 10, 2009

Joshua's call from the past

Here's a never-before published tale of Joshua. Enjoy.
---
"You know, I'm really annoyed."

"Why Joshua?"

"Because no one ever tried to get me to smoke."

"Do you want to smoke?"

"No,"

"So why should you care?"

"Because I think it reflects negatively on me, that no one cared enough about me."

"Maybe they just thought you were too strong a nut to crack."

"Maybe they just weren't interested in hanging out with me."

'Yeah, that's probably it.

"Gee, thanks."

"No problem Joshua. Anyway, now that we're on the subject, what other things bother you?"

"You know what I can't stand? I can't stand when people try to live their lives through their children."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, there are people in this world who for whatever reason didn't do certain things as kids, or didn't end up the right way, and now they're trying to force their kids to do those things."

"Maybe they just want their kids to have what they didn't."

"And the kids have to suffer because of it?"

"Who says the kids are suffering?"

"Wouldn't you suffer if you weren't allowed to wear baseball caps and t-shirts?"

"Well, I'm sure it would be a momentary annoyance, but there certainly are worse things out there."

"Oh yeah, like what?"

"Like people who think that everything you do or say has to be funny."

"True. I can see it right now, people will be saying that I'm being existential and boring. You know what? I can't be serious once in a while?"

"Well, you do owe certain things to your readership. They are after all what has brought you to these great heights of popularity."

"So you're saying that I should quit the spewing and get on with the show?"

"Yes."

"Fine, I'll see what I can do."

"Good Joshua. Meanwhile, "I'll just potter around."

Later...

"Pottering's done, Joshua, how's by you?"

"I discovered that my feet are in fact penguins?"

"That seems like a rather cheap gag. I thought you had standards!"

"I do."

"And?"

"They're low enough to accommodate most any gag."

"That's a rather pathetic state of affairs."

"But wait, it gets worse."

"How so?"

"Not only are my feet penguins, but they burp too."

"They burp? "What in the world does that mean?"

"No, really, listen close and you'll hear them burp."

"That's weird."

"Not so weird as my feet."

"Um, Joshua, we're talking about your feet here. "So they're just as weird as themselves."

"Right, I forgot that. "Let me work on this for a second."

A second passes in the quick time for which it's renowned

"Well Joshua?"

"I've come to the realization that you are in fact correct. My penguin feet that burp are quite weird."

"What else?"

"They're talking to me."

"What are they saying?"

"They want me to take them to my leader."

"But you are their leader."

"That's hardly the point."

"Also, where's your leader?"

"Who says I have a leader?"

"Your feet seem to have a pretty clear opinion on the subject."

"My feet are burping penguins. I hardly consider them authorities on any subject."

"But you're talking to them!"

"No, just listening."

"You're obviously deranged."

"That's what the penguins told me."

"And you believed them?"

"Did I have a choice? If my burping penguin feet tell me something, what can I do but listen?"

"You could visit a psychotherapist, or barring that, you could rehire Chandler."

"What? You mean he's gone?"

"Sure, you fired him a while back."

"But that was only a gag! He was supposed to come back after all the excitement had died down!"

"Well maybe he took it last personally last time."

"I'll have to see about that-be a doll and get him in the phone."

Chandler on the phone

"Hello, Chandler? This is Joshua. Where are you?"

"In bed."

"In bed? My dear man, it's just an hour after midnight! What self-respecting man lies in bed at this hour?"

"I'm in mourning for my lost innocence."

"Innocence? You never had any innocence! After all, you agreed to work for me."

"In my innocence, I didn't think it would be such a dangerous proposition."

"And you discovered?"

"That it's quite the horrible experience."

"Oh."

21 comments:

Mushkie said...

I like. Is the stress of having to be funny getting to you?

sarabonne said...

The past sure talks a lot.

The Real Shliach said...

Mushkie: Both now and six or seven years ago, when I wrote this.

Sara: Sure does.

הצעיר שלמה בן רפאל לבית שריקי ס"ט said...

Honestly, that's kind of retarded. I'll only let it pass since you're wrote it when you were young...

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

Deep. It's quite obviously an allegory to the existential condition of the college age American male.

The Real Shliach said...

Shriki: What's your problem?

Modeh: Obviously.

e said...

so what kind of cr*p were your parents shoving down your throat?

And which cool kids were ignoring you?

הצעיר שלמה בן רפאל לבית שריקי ס"ט said...

TRS: Nah man, I ain't got no problem, just saying this conversation is a bit pointless..

The Real Shliach said...

e: Who said my parents were slipping anything down my throat (besides delicious and nutritious meals of course)?

Who said cool kids were ignoring me?

Shriki: The point is that there is no point!

e said...

shriki: read some of the old Joshua posts, and you'll start to get Joshua's wry humor.

Sebastion said...

Nice post, you almost got me to forget about the obviously personal part of the post with burping penguin feet. Delightful by the way!

The Real Shliach said...

e: exactly.

Sebastion: Always happy to oblige.

Mushkie said...

Who's CHandler? Did you really have this blog 6 or 7 years ago? Were blogs around then? Gosh, I didn't have an email then.

The Real Shliach said...

Chandler is Joshua's long-suffering butler. For more about him read the other Joshua stories that I've posted. They can be conveniently found in the "Joshua" label on the bottom left of this page.

I didn't have this blog six or seven years ago. I wrote these Joshua stories, among many others, for school and pleasure.

Qtap said...

Interesting person, the Joshua. I can defiantly relate.

The Real Shliach said...

Really?

Qtap said...

Why does this shock you?

The Real Shliach said...

Well, you know, JOshua is an interesting fellow...

Qtap said...

Exactly.

Mushkie said...

How does one go about defiantly relating? i would definitely love to learn.

Qtap said...

It is quite simple really. One relates, but is defiant about it.