Joshua's call from the past

Here's a never-before published tale of Joshua. Enjoy.
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"You know, I'm really annoyed."

"Why Joshua?"

"Because no one ever tried to get me to smoke."

"Do you want to smoke?"

"No,"

"So why should you care?"

"Because I think it reflects negatively on me, that no one cared enough about me."

"Maybe they just thought you were too strong a nut to crack."

"Maybe they just weren't interested in hanging out with me."

'Yeah, that's probably it.

"Gee, thanks."

"No problem Joshua. Anyway, now that we're on the subject, what other things bother you?"

"You know what I can't stand? I can't stand when people try to live their lives through their children."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, there are people in this world who for whatever reason didn't do certain things as kids, or didn't end up the right way, and now they're trying to force their kids to do those things."

"Maybe they just want their kids to have what they didn't."

"And the kids have to suffer because of it?"

"Who says the kids are suffering?"

"Wouldn't you suffer if you weren't allowed to wear baseball caps and t-shirts?"

"Well, I'm sure it would be a momentary annoyance, but there certainly are worse things out there."

"Oh yeah, like what?"

"Like people who think that everything you do or say has to be funny."

"True. I can see it right now, people will be saying that I'm being existential and boring. You know what? I can't be serious once in a while?"

"Well, you do owe certain things to your readership. They are after all what has brought you to these great heights of popularity."

"So you're saying that I should quit the spewing and get on with the show?"

"Yes."

"Fine, I'll see what I can do."

"Good Joshua. Meanwhile, "I'll just potter around."

Later...

"Pottering's done, Joshua, how's by you?"

"I discovered that my feet are in fact penguins?"

"That seems like a rather cheap gag. I thought you had standards!"

"I do."

"And?"

"They're low enough to accommodate most any gag."

"That's a rather pathetic state of affairs."

"But wait, it gets worse."

"How so?"

"Not only are my feet penguins, but they burp too."

"They burp? "What in the world does that mean?"

"No, really, listen close and you'll hear them burp."

"That's weird."

"Not so weird as my feet."

"Um, Joshua, we're talking about your feet here. "So they're just as weird as themselves."

"Right, I forgot that. "Let me work on this for a second."

A second passes in the quick time for which it's renowned

"Well Joshua?"

"I've come to the realization that you are in fact correct. My penguin feet that burp are quite weird."

"What else?"

"They're talking to me."

"What are they saying?"

"They want me to take them to my leader."

"But you are their leader."

"That's hardly the point."

"Also, where's your leader?"

"Who says I have a leader?"

"Your feet seem to have a pretty clear opinion on the subject."

"My feet are burping penguins. I hardly consider them authorities on any subject."

"But you're talking to them!"

"No, just listening."

"You're obviously deranged."

"That's what the penguins told me."

"And you believed them?"

"Did I have a choice? If my burping penguin feet tell me something, what can I do but listen?"

"You could visit a psychotherapist, or barring that, you could rehire Chandler."

"What? You mean he's gone?"

"Sure, you fired him a while back."

"But that was only a gag! He was supposed to come back after all the excitement had died down!"

"Well maybe he took it last personally last time."

"I'll have to see about that-be a doll and get him in the phone."

Chandler on the phone

"Hello, Chandler? This is Joshua. Where are you?"

"In bed."

"In bed? My dear man, it's just an hour after midnight! What self-respecting man lies in bed at this hour?"

"I'm in mourning for my lost innocence."

"Innocence? You never had any innocence! After all, you agreed to work for me."

"In my innocence, I didn't think it would be such a dangerous proposition."

"And you discovered?"

"That it's quite the horrible experience."

"Oh."