Sunday, August 2, 2009

It's been a long time coming, and it ain't ending too soon either

"It's a journey that may take a thousand years," said the world renowned travel show presenter, "and what could be better?" His producer wasn't too thrilled with the idea. "A thousand years? Are you nuts? Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get a pilot approved for one season? And you're asking a studio to give you a millennium? You're nuts in the head!" The world renowned travel presenter was not to be deterred, and he simply switched allegiance, a common enough occurrence in Hollywood, though not common enough to escape the notice of the local tabloids, which proclaimed the next morning, "I don't want to spend the next thousand years together with you!"

So there they were, setting off on what might prove to be the longest bust in television history. The execs had taken a while to warm to the idea. They has asked, "When do we get to send this baby to syndication," and, "It's like reality TV but the only prize you win at the end is that you get to go to sleep." Cooler heads prevailed, and about six months after filming began the promotional material started up. Once again some of the powers that were thought this a trifle ridiculous-after all, the life cycle on this particular product was going to exceed that of its creators, and maybe they should figure out if its any good anyway before spending millions of dollars sending kitschy shtuff to reviewers? This was taken to be a good point by the cooler heads, but they were put back into the freezer and the pr team got to work.

The public was, it turned out, intrigued by this new travel show, and they began to pester the network for information. A snag was hit when it was revealed that the premiere was shot in Lakewood, but this was soon solved by simply not showing this segment. After all, when you have a thousand years to work with, what's a half hour here or there? One critic remarked that it seemed a little ridiculous to begin a thousand year's journey by stumbling on the first step, but he also wrote that, "Lakewood is a pretty boring place, I'm not sure why anyone would want to spend any amount of time there, even if they had lots and lots of time to spend elsewhere," which seemed to solve whatever problems had come up, at least for the viewers.

Sunday night was marked off on the calendars of many Americans, who tuned in to watch the beginning of what promised to be the greatest show in the history of television and indeed in the history of humanity. The show, entitled, "It's been a long time coming, and it ain't ending too soon either," began with the world renowned travel show presenter was seen sitting in a beautifully restored early-American wood cabinet drinking a martini and smoking an expensive cigarette, while explaining to a group of rapt teenagers that sartorialism was not in fact a vapid response to capitalism, but was rather a rather well thought out response to Dan Rather's insistence on being himself. The teenagers didn't quite get what was going on, but they did understand that here was their chance to shine brightly, or at least to maybe get some of the martini.

After cutting away from this seen of parochial guidance the world renowned travel show presenter was seen hiking over the dales and through the hills to his grandma's house, proclaiming that, "Only here, in the clear blue mountains of Kansas, where time itself seems to have stopped and the green-fleckled hens of a time too far gone to make any sense of stand sentinel to the vast powers that once decided the fates of a million peasants." Not one to mince words, he also said that the best local product to be had at the time was steamed pickles, though the one shot shown of him eating them wasn't particularly revealing, though perhaps this could be blamed on the barf bag which featured prominently not being translucent. Much better looking were the french fries from McDonalds which could be seen peeking out from in between the cushions in the custom made recreational vehicle which served as both the living quarters for the presenter and his publicist, who was really the power behind the throne, even if she was only 26 and had a nose like a pig on anabolic steroids.

The grandma proved to be the first big seller on the show, providing the first controversial headlines (at least, the first controversial headlines having to actually do with the show) and having an inner reserve that belied her outer belligerence, bellicose and taciturn nature, and general air of being one of the few, the proud, the latrines. What caused all the controversy was her stating, on air, that she made the very best clam chowder in the whole wide world, a point which was hotly debated by the water heaters in thousands of homes over the following weeks. It was later pointed out that she had actually made this statement six months prior to its being said on national television, and there was really no reason to get all worked up out about it. Besides, the wags wagged, there was no reason why the people who were being paid to edit the show couldn't have just left it out. The public opined that they seemed to miss an essential part of the equation here, even if the public couldn't quite figure out what it was. It was most unfortunate when the grandma went and died while sliding into third, and there was that. Fortunately, as the show's producers said, "We've got a lot more footage," so no one seemed to mind too much. All right, maybe the grandma minded, but she didn't say anything, so everyone figured it was ok.

8 comments:

Mushkie said...

So you've just undertaken to write interesting posts for the next thousand years, great! Will this become like the imposter?

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

Mushkie: impersonator.

TRS:So, this will be an allegory then?

The Real Shliach said...

Mushkie: If I live a thousand years...

And probably not.

Modeh: More like a metaphor.

sarabonne said...

Sounds like an excellent program.

The Real Shliach said...

T'would be.

Qtap said...

I would get a television, just for this. Sounds exciting.

e said...

the joys of reading trs' fiction!

The Real Shliach said...

Qtap: T'would be.

e: You said it.