Thursday, July 23, 2009

Dear TRS: Happy?

That's right folks, it's time for another exciting edition of Dear TRS, the quiz show you get to play along with too! Enjoy.
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Dear TRS: Why have you become all holy lately?

Sincerely,

Karl

Dear Karl,

Censorship is an interesting phenomenon. Some people are censored by the government, others by their own conscience, others by their own lack of restraint. The punishment for trying to avoid censorship varies as well. In some places the attitude is one of benevolent allowance-try us as much as you want, ain't nothing getting through... but ten points for trying! In other places they not only control what you say but punish you for trying to say it. In those places it's, "What? You dare trifle with me? Guards, go break his legs!" Neither of these approaches really accomplishes what it is that the censor is trying to effect-his job is not simply to remove objectionable material, but rather to remove the conditions that allow for the material to ever get to him in the first place. All right, if the censor is just looking for entertainment then he can have plenty of that with the status quo, but then he's not really the ideal censor. No, what you're really looking for is a guy who can convince the producer of the objectionable material that what he's doing is wrong. Not illegal, but wrong. And yeah, I know it's asking a lot of a pencil pusher sitting in some anonymous government highrise somewhere in the middle of the bible belt to radically affect some radical hippy cross-dressing dudes wearing floral print dresses and floppy straw hats with little pins that say "Free Tibet!" on 'em to make much of a difference, but trust me, it is possible. How do they do it, this select band of censors with soul, this prized group of bowdlerizers with the breath of divine life flowing through their parched bones (for how can a person whose whole being is dedicated to the muzzling of their fellows have anything but the driest of Ezekiel valley special?), these suppressionists with a sense of mission, a belief in the ultimate goal that has eluded so many?

The answer is very simple. Guilt.
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Dear TRS: Why do they use phones to call in guys from the bullpen? Wouldn't texting be much easier?

Sincerely,

Snert

Dear Snert,

Even better, they could tweet it! Just imagine, the manager tweets, "@Orlando Mercado Joe Mauer just walked, we need @Darren Oliver in here pronto!" And the tweet back? "@Mike Scioscia the fireman cometh!"
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Dear TRS: Is there any specific reason why the Twins had to blow the game tonight?

Sincerely,

Joe and Jason

Dear Joe and Jason,

Well, you two certainly did everything that could be expected of you. It's been a tough road trip, eh?
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Dear TRS: Why the heck does Iran have twelve vice presidents?

Sincerely,

Karl (again)

Dear Karl,

The president must have a lot of vices.
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Dear TRS: Since when did it become socially acceptable to roll hoops?

Sincerely,

Mackenzi Van Engelenhoven

Dear Mackenzi Van Engelenhoven, let me first tell you that I really appreciate your question. No, really, I do.
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Dear TRS:

I'm very insulted if my name doesn't appear at least twice in every publication in America,

Sincerely,

Barack H. Obama
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Dear Mr. Obama, happy?
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And that folks is the end of the line. Did you enjoy playing the quiz show you get to play along with too?

16 comments:

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

How come I didn't get invited to ask my burningly important questions?

The Real Shliach said...

Good question.

sarabonne said...

One of those hippy cross-dressing radicals in floral dresses and floppy straw hats works in my school, his name is Jason.

The Real Shliach said...

Now that we know that, what do we do?

sarabonne said...

a.Make them feel guilty.
b.Free Tibet

The Real Shliach said...

a. Oh they succeeded.

b. Makes no difference whether Tibet is under the Dalai Lama or China-either way the locals are oppressed.

Altie said...

^ ^
0 0
/
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so many good questions. now for the million dollar answer...

Mushkie said...

The $64,000 question: when do you find the time to make up these questions?

The Real Shliach said...

Altie: Yes?

Mushkie: And what about the answers?

le7 said...

Hey, did I tell you I have a great-uncle named Karl Josef Scheibengraber? And I'm inviting him to the wedding... you could meet a real life Karl!

Altie said...

i dont have to have the answers. you do.

Mushkie said...

The answers are easier, coz they can be funny no matter what the question.

I have a great-uncle named Jack Chu...don't ask.

The Real Shliach said...

le7: Nice.

Altie: Oh yes?

Mushkie: I won't.

Altie said...

yup

MackenziLee said...

um my name is in this article....and it's a pretty unique name....so why is my name in here and how did you get it?

The Real Shliach said...

Your name is in there because I was picking random names out of the top of my head. Don't worry, I didn't mean anything with it.