Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Tripe

Here's something I wrote thirty three hundred (3300 for all the snivelling idiots out there) years ago. Please don't enjoy reading it, because I didn't particularly enjoy writing it. Why not? Because it's nonsense, absolutely ridiculous bloody nonsense. Almost as bad as Ricky Ponting was last week for the Brits.

You know what the problem with youth today is? The same problem that has plagued youth since the beginning of all time, that's what. The problem with youth is that they don't appreciate the self-sacrifice and manipulation their elders went through back in the day. All these youths care about is their beer gardens and poetry readers-do they appreciate the finer things in life, like hard work, self-sacrifice, and manipulation? I didn't think so. They'd rather sit back lazily and criticize then actually do anything productive, like get lives.

And you know, I'm talking about intelligent youth here. The idiots among us are on a far worse level. Not only do they not understand what it means to suffer for the future, but they don't even understand what "No" means. For some reason they refuse to exercise the vestigial organs that lie in between their ears, and instead proceed incautiously through life, showing as much caution for the insipid realities as they do for passing trucks, which is to say, none. And to top it all off, they don't even know the color of car they're driving. Talk about hair-brained.

And how about those crazy young people who go on diets and drink beer and eat organic chips. Is that normal? Like what exactly is the point? Is there one? I mean, if you want to be healthy, why eat organic chips? And if you're drinking beer, why do you have any illusions about your future physical well-being? Of course things are going to be fine! Like, what's the question?

And are people from Tel Aviv really incapable of rational thought? Why are they of the opinion that they know everything there is to know? These people are so intellectually dishonest that they honestly believe in a god who is dumber than them? What's the point of such a god? Does he make them strawberry smoothies in the morning or large bowls of Trader Joes corn soup (with pepper) at night?

Or perhaps he's just some sort of jealous old testament god with flaring nostrils and a gate like War Admiral. Point is (and this is getting back to those young dieters) it really bothers me when I'm coerced and manipulated into doing things I really don't want to do, like defend the Catholic church against angry mobs of abused choir boys. Is it my place to defend that institution? And why don't they pay me? Or at the very least name a cathedral after me or something. Idiots. All of them.

And please, don't even get me started about those do-nothing good-doer type people who refuse to recognize that sometimes the kindest thing you can do is to bomb the heck out of them three or four times and then shoot poison gas pamphlets all over the remainder. That would get them to pay attention.
----
Meanwhile, in other news, thirty three hundred years ago, good things were happening. And what ruined them? I'll tell you what ruined them. The future. That's right. The stinking future.

57 comments:

sarabonne said...

Wow, this is momesh takeh hilarious. Stom Hilarious. Takeh shmateh, um shmaltz.
(That's about it in the Yiddish dept.)
You should rant more often.

Cheerio said...

when he rants, he tends to use a lot of question marks.

Sebastion said...

Hilarious! someone is in a mood. And you realize i was kidding about the beer right? not the chips though...mmm organic.

Qtap said...

For being tripe(the worthless kind, not the cow stomach), you rather have some intriguing points, which I might add are spot on.

On the other hand, it is rathe amusing, particularly in the analogy department.

The Real Shliach said...

Sara: don't worry, there's plenty more where they came from.

Cheerio: oh he does, does he?

Sebastion: wait, you mean no more beer?

Qtap: which points were good?

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

Complete and utter tripe.

Such unmitigated bullshit that it would make a great shabbos suva drasha.

Sebastion said...

Beer is bad for sick people. Also doesnt help with exercising.

The Real Shliach said...

Modeh: you think anyone in Lakewood would be interested in purchasing the rights?

Sebastion: sick+exercise: aderabe!

Qtap said...

The laziness of youth, the ridiculously contrary nature of dieters and modern society, those are good points.

Oh, and the bit about the good things going on all those many years ago. That, that was a very good point.

The Real Shliach said...

Funny how things work out, eh?

le7 said...

I want some tripe. Please.

The Real Shliach said...

You're that hungry?

le7 said...

I want something that will make me fleishig. Yes. I actually want to be fleishig.

The Real Shliach said...

You write that as if I should be surprised that you want to be fleishik-in reality it's a very normal desire, particularly with the nine days rapidly approaching.

le7 said...

Well, obviously you don't know about fleishigophobia... many girls catch it while in Tzfas.

The Real Shliach said...

Obviously I don't. Please expound-what is it, why are girls in tzfas particularly susceptible, are you a sufferer?

le7 said...

It is simply a fear of becoming fleishig. What if you become fleishig and then need to suddenly go out for pizza or have coffee or buy ice cream?

Girls in Tzfas are susceptible because it's Israel - the Land Flowing With Yummy Milchigs and Sweets.

I have slowly gotten over it. (It helped once I realized that there is nothing to hold out for in Milwaukee).

The Real Shliach said...

Ahh.

True, I did notice that in general the milchig offerings in the land were far better than the fleishig ones.

(It helped once I realized that there is nothing to hold out for in Milwaukee).

:(

le7 said...

I mean the fleishig one's were great too... schwarma and beef steak on a lafa but still...

The Real Shliach said...

True. Shwarma. I'm hungry. Dang.

le7 said...

But fleishig food was also more expensive...

The Real Shliach said...

Shwarma: 18 shek.

2 Nestle icecreams: 20 shek.

Qtap said...

TRS, I'm starting to wonder if you even realize what it is you post sometimes.

Le7, you really don't want tripe. Have a nice piece of chicken instead. Or, better yet, have some pizza.

le7 said...

You are so far off. Shwarma: 22-30 shek.
Nestle Ice Cream: 12-15 shek

And anyways, I bought off-brand ice cream.

Cheerio said...

i got fleishigophobia in high school. being unused to actual real milk being the second ingredient in the classic snack of cereal and milk at 11 pm, i treifed myself up at least once a week for almost a month.

The Real Shliach said...

Qtap: I'm like a prophet.

le7: How can you only buy one nestle?!

The Real Shliach said...

Cheerio: that's why you should have been like me and not drink milk at all.

le7 said...

Um - when you know you're in Israel for half a year on a student visa and know that you can't call home for money and that you have a set amount in your bank account and once it's gone, it is gone.

The Real Shliach said...

If I had been there at the same time as you...

Cheerio said...

i didnt drink it! disgusting...

le7 said...

What?

Qtap said...

TRS, seems to be a common quality from your class.


As for fleishigophobia, folks, don't fight it. It is your friend. My grandfather has been living with it for years, and it has done wonders for his health.

The Real Shliach said...

Cheerio: ingest it. Same difference.

le7: I could have bought you icecream!

Qtap: why, who else?

le7 said...

Well I think a trip is in order...

Cheerio said...

everyone, chorus with me!
"AWWWWWWWWW".
except, had you been there at the same time and you had bought her ice cream...?

The Real Shliach said...

le7: how do you say honeymoon in Hebrew?

Cheerio: can't you let a guy fantasize once in a while?

Qtap said...

You want me to name names?

I will most defiantly join in the collective AWWWW, it is well deserved.

le7 said...

Hah yeah you would have gotten in big trouble with Mister Mendelson and Mister Big Guy Up In Da Sky.

Cheerio said...

or... we could create an alternate history.
this is basement blog worthy!

le7 said...

It's called a post-marriage trip - hello. Anyways I already told the Federmans that on the unlikely occurrence we take a trip that it's to them...

The Real Shliach said...

Qtap: name away.

le7: mister mendelson?

Cheerio: probably, probably.

le7: post-marriage trip=Hebrew?

And anyway, we could do a stopover!

Qtap said...

I would, but isn't that kind of like lashon hara? Especially since I don't know if it is still the case.

le7 said...

I dunno dvash levana? (I kid. I have no clue).

The Real Shliach said...

Qtap: nu, spit it out!

le7: well, whatever it's called, it would be great to do one.

le7 said...

I'd be happy just driving our stuff to NY.

The Real Shliach said...

Come to think of it, me too.

Qtap said...

Peaked your interest, have I? Oh very well. Though, now that I think about it, these folk may be from the class above you, I'm not sure. All you junior high kids are rather merged together in my brain.

Yitzchok Kaufmann, Ronit Vertelney, Baruch Katz. Those are the only ones I'm sure still posses the aforementioned sudoprophetic quality, though last I spoke to some others they did as well.

The Real Shliach said...

Yup, all a grade above me.

Qtap said...

Alas. I suppose you were just placed in the wrong grade then.

e said...

Honeymoon in Hebrew is "yerach dvash," which conjures a very nice image. To me, "honeymoon" conjures an image of honeydew, which isn't quite as delightful.

Sebastion said...

And why should we let trs fantasize when he never lets anyone else?

The Real Shliach said...

Qtap: yup.

e: what's wrong with honeydew?

Sebastion: the question is what you're fantasizing about...

Cheerio said...

trs - :P

e said...

yeah, what is sebastion fantasizing about? Nothing too horrible IMHO.

The Real Shliach said...

Cheerio: is there anything you'd like to share with the class?

e: one would hope.

Sebastion said...

See what i mean? and wouldnt you love to know :p

The Real Shliach said...

No, what do you mean?