Wednesday, July 22, 2009

That wiped bit has got to go

Once again we've come to a crossroads we have. Which path to take? Good question. Religion beckons, undoubtedly spurred on by the increasing numbers of people indulging in this dangerous opiate of the masses. On the other hand you have the renunciation of all forms of organized worship, which merely results in depression and processed foods. "Oh," you say, "processed foods? Surely you jest! With the abandonment of the religion of our fathers comes ample opportunity to partake of the potpourri that is the kosherless restaurant!" Well, sorry to break it to you buster, but there ain't no highway back to Krenitz, and there's no cash inside that rhyme either. Seriously, what's the fun of frieing out if you're as poor as a Vermont jackal? And don't tell me it's not all about taavos. If it wasn't all about taavos then there wouldn't be petting zoos or grass gardens or such excitements on Saturday nights. Come to think of it, there wouldn't be poetry slams floppy hats with flowers on 'em either. I guess then that it's all for the best.

Meanwhile, in other news, I've been kicking around ideas for a brand new cult/investment opportunity. Who will be the next Bernie Madoff? After all, records were made to be broken, and the only thing Americans love more than making money is making more money. Which is right where Mr. Madoff comes in. You make money, he takes it in, cuddles a bit with it, and BOOM! there he is, in the slammer, and your precious change is down the drain like a bottle of Diet Coke. No brain enhancing here either, it's the real deal for anyone planning on starving the rest of their life.

What I mean to say is that there's really no reason to do anything immoral or illegal or not cricket; all you have to do is convince people to give you their money or something similar. As far as I can tell this is the principle that hedge-funds have built themselves around. No mistakes here, this is the real deal, and anyone with half a brain and twice the wallet would be strongly encouraged to invest now, because these attractive rates aren't going to last long. Oh no, they won't be, not with the way this economy is shaping up, and with the next installment of this that is or was or will be or possibly hasn't not been in a sort of thingamabob (as distinguished from a thingamajiggie by the length of its nose [duh {who didn't know that?}!]) because that's just the way it is.

You got that? Even if you didn't it's okay, because I also didn't. Which is exactly why a prospectus like the one presented here will make it past the SEC people. They've gotten really scared of things they don't understand lately (like the economy), so it's a good idea to give impenetrable ideas a wide berth, and possibly even cross the street when you get to them. But here it's all cut and pasted and suchlike, so there's no worries, those financial regulators don't have a chance. Crazy thing, that, but it might just work. Just make sure to follow through in California-that way, even if you're arrested, they'll probably let you go once the next recession starts, which is gonna be any day now.

And now we've come to the end of the line. I hope all you "I want original material and I'll keep on writing comments until I get it" people are happy with the fruits of your labor. Sure, I had some great shlichus shtories and whatknacks to keep you entertained, but I followed by audience's desires, and here we ended up. Ha!

42 comments:

Sebastion said...

Are you taking drugs?

Nemo said...

It seems like some other Jewish headlines found the newest financial scheme, international money laundering.

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

You go from banal to evil and back to banal.

The Real Shliach said...

J: S L E E P

Nemo: aren't you proud?

Modeh: that is what I truly want to be.

Sebastion said...

I just want you to share is all. And be nice! poetry slams are awesome!

The Real Shliach said...

Yup.

Cheerio said...

i liked it.
and floppy hats with flowers are also awesome.

The Real Shliach said...

You would.

Qtap said...

I'm going to agree with Cheerio.

The Real Shliach said...

You would.

Sebastion said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sebastion said...

Floppy hats are awesome!

Sebastion said...

Floppy hats are awesome!

The Real Shliach said...

You would.

Sebastion said...

My first comment got deleted.

Sebastion said...

My first comment got deleted.

The Real Shliach said...

Holy Holy Holy

Sebastion said...

I tried to edit it to say me too floppy hats are awesome. Because they are.

The Real Shliach said...

Ahh.

Feivel ben Mishael said...

"If it wasn't all about taavos then there wouldn't be petting zoos or grass gardens or such excitements on Saturday nights"

petting zoos and grass gardens?
Is this some sort of slang that doesnt get thrown around south of the mason dixon line?

The Real Shliach said...

Let's just say that only some of those who were meant to understand it did, irregardless of their provenance.

sarabonne said...

Wow, you should avoid sleep more often.
I prefer floppy straw hats.

The Real Shliach said...

Unfortunately for me that isn't a problem.

petting zoo and grass garden attender said...

you know what I would tell you, so why should I bother telling it to you cryptically over here?

e said...

irregardless is not a word

The Real Shliach said...

Petting zoo man: At least someone got it.

e: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/irregardless

e said...

Did you read what they write there about irregardless?

The Real Shliach said...

I once heard the editor of the OED on the BBC discussing this, and she said that the great thing about English was that if someone said something and said it was English then it's English. The criterion for inclusion in the OED? Five usages in reputable sources.

Also, http://larrycheng.com/2009/05/29/what-makes-a-word-a-word/

e said...

When one loses an argument about proper usage, one often changes the topic of conversation to the general malleability of the English language.

The Real Shliach said...

When one loses an argument, one often tries to challenge the validity of the opponent's perspective, irregardless of truth or common decency.

trs speaks ebonics said...

irregardless is a word. but it's nonstandard.

e said...

isn't challenging your opponent's perspective an appropriate thing to do in any argument, regardless of whether you're winning or losing?

The Real Shliach said...

Challenging the perspective itself is fine; challenging the validity of that perspective is not.

e said...

Was that supposed to make sense?

The Real Shliach said...

It's very simple. When two people are having an argument about something they each have a side. Let's say we are arguing about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. If one side says that the other is wrong, without listening to what the other has to say, then that's not debate.

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

Which? Evil or banal?

The Real Shliach said...

Both, I imagine.

Altie said...

great post. u are getting original.

i didnt understand half of it. but i take it that was your point.

The Real Shliach said...

Some of those who were meant to got it.

Altie said...

well ok then

muse said...

Invest in mitzvot!

The Real Shliach said...

Altie: Yup.

muse: Does doing that reap rewards both physical and spiritual?