Friday, January 22, 2010

Healthy Advice

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product. Everything in moderation

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

B: Sex is very good exercise, good for many things, not only for pleasure.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!? again eating everything in moderation. you are what you eat.

Q
: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

51 comments:

Crawling Axe said...

You’ll be happy to hear that this did not end up in my spam.

La-Z-Boy said...

Who needs med school when you've got TRS teaching you everything you need to know?

le7 said...

Did my mom send you this?

The Real Shliach said...

CA: Which is funny, because it's just as spammy as the other shtuff.

La-Z-Boy: Takeh.

le7: No, it's from LtD.

Crawling Axe said...

The first advice is almost word-for-word recommendation of Great Soviet Encyclopedia about the activity whose effects can be eliminated by saying Shma many times before sleep. “It is scientifically known that there is a finite capacity...”

Second advice reminds me of people who say you can become educated and rich without going to college (or frum without going to yeshiva).

La-Z-Boy said...

If you read enough TRS...

le7 said...

Oh, because my mom sent this to her list a few months ago.

sarabonne said...

Well now I can enjoy my "Finest Dark Chocolate with Rice Crispies and Orange Flavour" without guilt.

The Real Shliach said...

CA: which advice is almost word for word...

B. And this applies to you how?

NJ Boy: Takeh.

le7: and not to me? For shame!

Crawling Axe said...

The first one, about exercise and heart having only so many beats.

The Real Shliach said...

Sara: everyone knows orange flavor is terrible for you.

CA: and this is for sins of youth?

Crawling Axe said...

Is what is?

Yossi said...

I like the one about the whale!

Dovid said...

Does the yoda-like accent make the advice sound more wise to you? Because it does to me

e said...

I did not appreciate the Oriental-sounding English. It didn't make the piece any funnier. Is there something I'm missing?

The Real Shliach said...

CA: the first one?

Yossi: yup.

Dovid: do any of your professors in med school speak like that?

e: probably. You usually are.

Crawling Axe said...

Yes.

What?

The Real Shliach said...

So what I'm saying is, are those the words used in the soviet lit for chatas neurim? Because that's what I think you wrote.

Crawling Axe said...

Yes, yes. Azoy shteit.

The Real Shliach said...

Well, I'm glad we cleared that little bit of stickiness up.

Crawling Axe said...

Yes, that went rather swimmingly.

הצעיר שלמה בן רפאל לבית שריקי ס"ט said...

Pretty funny. Kind of true in a way. Just trying to figure out what accent to imagine the speaker talking in.

"Cocoa bean! It best feel-good food around!"- So is Carob. Very sweet. And healthy.

e said...

As the poster of this post, perhaps you'd care to enlighten me?

Crawling Axe said...

I didn't even notice until recently that there is anything wrong with the language of the post. That's how my family speaks in English.

The Real Shliach said...

Shriki: But is carob caffeinated?

e: I may be the poster, but I'm not the writer. I was going to correct all the grammar and whatnot, but then I realized that it would lose much of its hokey charm if I did so.

CA: Including all your brothers and sisters?

הצעיר שלמה בן רפאל לבית שריקי ס"ט said...

TRS: No. That's why it's better than chocolate.

Crawling Axe said...

Yes. Also, nephews, nieces, uncles and aunts. Actually, my closest brother's English is probably good, considering his job.

you were begging for this said...

And what's his job?

Rivka said...

Thats hysterical! I especially like the answer to swimming, lol.

The Real Shliach said...

Shriki: Obviously we have differing priorities.

CA: Only probably good?

you: I wonder too.

Rivka: Glad you enjoyed it.

Dovid said...

Kind of... last year one of the professors spoke with a terrible accent, but I didn't think him any wiser because of it.

The Real Shliach said...

Poor guy... all that wasted effort at impressing you...

Crawling Axe said...

My boss can tell by the number of articles I use in my presentation (and their correctness and appropriateness) how many hours of sleep I had the night before.

The Real Shliach said...

He sounds pretty impressive. Or else you're extremely predictable.

Crawling Axe said...

Like a Galton Board.

The Real Shliach said...

I think this is the first time (at least, that I've seen) that the first result in Google has been Wolfram and not Wiki.

Crawling Axe said...

Mine is Wiki. Bean board is the same thing.

The Real Shliach said...

http://www.calbeans.com/

?

Crawling Axe said...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bean_machine

Crawling Axe said...

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/21/Planche_de_Galton.jpg

The Real Shliach said...

More importantly, when are you coming to town?

Crawling Axe said...

Not sure yet. The way things are looking, I may have to pass this time. :(

Crawling Axe said...

But I have the good news too (in e-mail).

The Real Shliach said...

Really? That stinks. I just told Boruch Arky that you were coming in, and he was very excited to hear of it.

Crawling Axe said...

Hmm... Oy vell...

The Real Shliach said...

Well, inform me when you're informed.

Crawling Axe said...

Inform you I shall do.

Crawling Axe said...

Tell Boruch that I wish I was where he is now (physically) and that he was right on the tznius thing.

The Real Shliach said...

When I see him next I shall inform him.

Crawling Axe said...

Actually, you might disagree on the tznius thing.

The Real Shliach said...

Lav davka. My number one rule for these matters is that there are no rules, i.e. every case is unique.