Sunday, January 17, 2010

Rubbish

Dear California Astrology Association,

I would like to thank you so much for all your wonderful help with the car. You see, I needed three thousand dollars by Monday to keep my car; otherwise the bank would repossess it and I'd have no way to drive around. I decided to get a money spell cast for me, and amazingly enough, it worked! Just three days after you cast the money spell my great uncle died in a car crash, and he left me three thousand dollars in his will! It's so convenient, because now I still have a car to drive to his funeral! Once again, thanks so much,

Patty
---
Dear California Astrology Association,

One year ago my boyfriend dumped me, and I've been despondent ever since. I emailed your witch Andreika, and she promised to help me. Two weeks after that I received a phone call from my former boyfriend's mother, telling me that he was dying in a hospital, and could I come and see him? I realized that this was the moment I'd been waiting for, and I rushed down to the hospital to see him. As soon as I stepped into his room I knew that something powerful was happening, and I was determined to fulfill my mission. I knelt down by his bed, placed my hand in his hand, and he said, "Jane". Then he died. His mother said that she was happy that he had died happy and fulfilled. I too feel happy and fulfilled now, knowing that he died happy and fulfilled.

Sincerely,

Jane
----
Dear California Astrology Association,

I never believed in astrology, or magic, or anything like that, but then I saw Harry Potter and I decided to try it out for myself. I was so disappointed that I couldn't attend Hogwarts, but I bought your kit and used it. Heeding its warning to only use the kit in the direst of emergencies, I saved it until I really needed it-I was so thirsty that day, you wouldn't believe, and there was no water available in the whole building! I used the Witch Doctor Spell Kit, and within minuted a repairman came! It was incredible! Once again, thanks so much,

Georgiana
---

(hat tip Modeh)

46 comments:

sarabonne said...

No men writing in?

The Real Shliach said...

That's for the next installment.

e said...

are these testimonials from their site?

The Real Shliach said...

They're fake, but they're not too different from the real ones. I was trying to parody them, but they're so ridiculous already...

theRealPianist said...

And I was actually eyeing that water repair service assist kit =\

The Real Shliach said...

Any luck?

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

Maskil wanna hat tip!

The Real Shliach said...

all right.

Crawling Axe said...

It’s because of organizations like this that there are quotes from Yoshka in US soldiers’ crosshairs.

tRP, try haircut spell. Or just a haircut.

Crawling Axe said...

s

The Real Shliach said...

There are quotes from Yoshka in US soldiers' crosshairs?

Huh?

Crawling Axe said...

Indeed.

Huh what?

Re: men in the next installment. How come in Lubavitch shulls they do women and men together for misheberach, and in Ashkenazi shulls they do men first?

The Real Shliach said...

That's nuts.

Who said they do this in Lubavitch shuls? Perhaps you're davening in modern orthodox synagogues...

Crawling Axe said...

Who dress up as Lubavitchers, follow nusach Arizal, and don’t wash for seuda shlishis as a form of reenactment?

Actually, the shull in which this happened (men first) was MO. Actually, MO/Conservative. The mechitza was for newborn hobbits, and the rabbi’s dvar Torah mentioned how Moshe Rabbeinu was not allowed to enter E"Y because he was an impatient leader.

Crawling Axe said...

It may be nuts, but I want Israeli government to do something like this. 12 Psukim in Israeli crosshairs? Or maybe “pour your wrath onto the nations”. Sounds good to me.

The Real Shliach said...

Often times the fakers play it better than the real guys.

Where I come from, men and women are kept in separate lock boxes and are only allowed to mingle on Yom Kippur.

Really? I thought it was because he didn't want to leave the generation of the desert in the desert.

The Real Shliach said...

Sounds like a plan.

Crawling Axe said...

Then what makes them fakers?

But who manages the boxes and the locks? Eunuchs?

Excuses, excuses... According to the rabbi, Moshe Rabbeinu was "here and now" kind of guy.

The Real Shliach said...

The fact that they mix the men and the women.

No, impeccably reputable people. (like me)

Just like there's seventy faces...

Crawling Axe said...

So, they fake everything except the most important part?

Where you come from, the most reputable people work as jailors? In Russia it's the opposite: the most reputable people are in jail.

...there are also seventy behinds?

The Real Shliach said...

Bingo.

I work as a tailor?

Bingo.

Crawling Axe said...

You work as a tailor?

Crawling Axe said...

My great-grandfather was a tailor. The one from Shpola, I think.

The Real Shliach said...

You implied that I did.

Probably make more money than your making now...

Crawling Axe said...

I implied you worked as a jailor, not a tailor.

Doesn't take much, does it?

Crawling Axe said...

The only question is: does this prove Intelligent Design or chaotic evolution?

The Real Shliach said...

Oh. A jailor. Yes.

True.

Both.

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

Minhag in MO shuls is women first. I always it was because most gabbaim are married and think that all women are sick in the head.

The Real Shliach said...

Which is worse, to have men and women together or to have women go first? The first is a problem of tznius, the second a problem of hashkafa.

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

Who's hashkafa?

Crawling Axe said...

In the local MO minyan I attend (not the one I talked about above), the gabbai says misheberach, pauses, and everyone whispers in the name of the sick person.

Why is mentioning women and men together untznius? You still have old Russian ladies peeking from behind mechitza and shouting their lists of twenty names, which the gabbai always misunderstands.

The Real Shliach said...

Modeh: G-d's.

CA: Do they get better?

The least indication of co-mingling of the sexes could have the most disastrous outcome.

Having old Russian women in shul is very not tznius.

Crawling Axe said...

Do they get better in which case?

Our Rebbeim have had old Russian ladies in the shull since Baal Shem Tov.

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

and you don't want to hear this but according to certain historians some of the earlier "chagas" chasidim did away with mechitza long before Reform even existed.

The Real Shliach said...

When the people say it themselves.

770 is filled with untoward happenings...

The Real Shliach said...

Nu, who said anything positive about chagas?

Crawling Axe said...

I have no idea. They also say prayer for Israeli government, Israeli armed forces, US government, US armed forces and peace in all world, but it's not clear how much they benefit from the prayers. Perhaps if they stopped davening and raised mechitza height, things would actually go better.

And there isn't even any mingling between sexes.

MBM: yeah, I didn't get your point either. You're preaching to the choir here.

The Real Shliach said...

That's too obvious a solution. Words are cheap.

(snort)

Crawling Axe said...

I think we can make MO mechitza higher. Since by definition MO is a balance between frum Yiddishkeit and Conservative Judaism, if we convince one of them to raise mechitza even higher, MO shulls will automatically do so too.

The Real Shliach said...

That's like saying, "If pigs grow fins and scales, then they'll be kosher!"

also, I don't mind one spam comment, but two with the exact same comment on the same post? Ridiculous.

Crawling Axe said...

But all I am asking for is a taller mechitza for Chareidi shulls. That should be possible. Chareidim love to add chumras.

The Real Shliach said...

Oh, I get what you're saying now. Hmm. Yeah, that might work, though it might be a little difficult to put bricks in front of the women's balcony.

e said...

Haha. This post became funny after i found out that they were fake. Before I was busy thinking about how crazy these people are and how the astrologers/witches pull off these tricks and whether paranormal phenomena prove that there's a god in the world.

MBM: From whence did you acquire this piece of intelligence? Which historians? I find it hard to believe.

The Real Shliach said...

Yes, if it was true then it would just be sad.

Modeh: I was wondering the same thing.

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

Graetz among others.

The Real Shliach said...

Sources?