Monday, January 18, 2010

Ask Heightsdeals.com

Dear Heightsdeals.com,

I’m looking for a solution to a slight problem I’m having right now. Basically, my pet goldfish died, and I don’t know what to do. It’s really sad, because I loved my pet goldfish like a brother, and now I just don’t know what to do! I remember all the good times, when we used to just sit there and stare at each other. I remember nursing him back to health when he was sick, pouring just a drop of chicken soup into his fishbowl to ensure he’d get better. Unfortunately though, this only lead to his death, as the hot soup scalded him. I immediately pulled him out and put on first aid cream, but I guess it was too late, and I was left bereft of my only friend. What shall I do?

Sincerely,

Johnson



Dear Johnson,

I’m very sorry to hear about the loss of your fish; I’ve had pets myself, and I know how attached people get to the little critters. Might I suggest you go for a new pet that requires a little less personal love and care? The LG CU920 Vu has this really cool feature that allows you to have a fish on your front screen. You can play with this fish and everything, and it’ll never even get sick! Probably a good thing, because cellphones appreciate chicken soup even less than goldfish.



Dear Heightsdeals.com

Two weeks ago I got ripped off resigning with one of the big cellphone companies, and now I don’t know what to do. I wanted a cool new phone, so I spent all my money on yet another two year plan, plus I had to pay big bucks for the cellphone. The customer service is terrible, and I feel confused, frustrated, and lonely. Whatever shall I do?

Sincerely,

Carl



Deal Carl,

Here at Heightsdeals.com we hear many heartbreaking stories like your own. The saddest is when, as in your case, the customer reups with his phone company- fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on who? Don’t worry though, there’s no need to panic. Most of the major carriers have thirty day money back guarantees, and once you’re rid of the waste you can move on to bigger and greater things, like a brand new unlocked cell phone which you can use with many different cell companies. Might I suggest the MotoRoker EM30? You’ll be able to listen to all your favorite music and call your friends to let them know how much you’re enjoying your new phone. Best of all, you’ll be emboldening freedom-seekers around the world and striking a blow for justice and opportunity. Sounds noble and far-fetched? Perhaps, but for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, and with your help we can bring redemption to the world’s repressed cellphone using millions.



Dear Heightsdeals.com,

I haven’t had a big break in a long time. Everywhere I turn I’m besieged by doubts. Can I do succeed, can I make a way for myself in life, can I truly live up to my great potential? I just don’t know what to do. Please help.

Sincerely,

Eli



Dear Eli,

You sound a bit depressed, which is understandable, because you obviously haven’t had any reason to be happy lately. It’s been two and a half weeks since New Years, and even longer since you played in a meaningful football game. Whether it was your supporting cast or your leg that let you down, it’s now time for a change. Change is good. Change can help you. All right, a new defensive coordinator probably won’t do much to help your people catch the balls they’re currently dropping, but perhaps we can help them. After all, what’s the real issue here? Communication, or lack thereof. The receivers just aren’t feeling your vibes, and they’re not catching your balls. Or maybe the issue is that your overthrowing. Or that your best receiver is in jail. Maybe. If the issue is the lack of communication, then we have just the thing for you- a brand new Sidekick LX. You can call or text or chat down field and finally start throwing some touchdowns.

53 comments:

Crawling Axe said...

So, the first e-mail I get from your blog is spam?

It's "blame on whom".

Can we submit questions? Will I ever get an answer on my "Dear TRS" question?

Eli sounds like e's cousin. Are the other people real people too?

The Real Shliach said...

Really? It ended up in there? Nice.

Quite.

Of course. I thought you got one at my house?

Is e's cousin the quarterback of the New York football Giants? (that should answer your question)

Crawling Axe said...

When did I get one in your house?

The Real Shliach said...

Didn't you ask e about the onion?

Crawling Axe said...

He never told me which brocha to make. He just lent me his sympathetic ear. But then took it back. Just like I did with his series Math question.

Maybe MBM knows. He seems to be the frummest Jew here.

Yossi said...

you seem to have some extra time on your hands at work...

The Real Shliach said...

If a rabbi who answered could not, how can I?

re: MBM: somewhat.

Yossi: No, they pay me for this!

The Real Shliach said...

btw, "whom" would not rhyme.

Crawling Axe said...

Since when are the rules of English tongue determined by rhyme? Since when do English speakers care about rhyme?

The Real Shliach said...

It's called "poetic license". Ask e e cummings about it.

Crawling Axe said...

ee cummings wrote poetry, no? That's why it's called "poetic license". You can't use poetic license to wrote prose. It's like using fishing license to shoot bears.

The Real Shliach said...

Excuse me, I meant "prosetic license".

Crawling Axe said...

I think you meant "prosaic license" or "prosthetic license". Or did you mean both?

The Real Shliach said...

I meant neither.

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

a: what question
b: How am I the frummest Jew here? By charedi standards I can't be b/c I wear colored clothing, am literate in the English language and talk to girls. By Lubavitch standards I can't be b/c I daven ashkenaz, eat hechshered chalav akum and trimmed my beard last week.

Crawling Axe said...

I am sorry. I should have said "literate in the Lord's Law".

The Real Shliach said...

"hechshered chalav akum"?

CA: That would be e.

Crawling Axe said...

a) If I come from the community where they eat raw onions and raw lemons stam azoy, not just cooked and not as addition to some salad (in case of lemons) or a drink (in case of onions), do I say shehakol on them or ha'adamah/ha'etz?

Crawling Axe said...

e was not sure about my question.

The Real Shliach said...

What will you do when you find out the answer to this question?

Crawling Axe said...

Sink my teeth into some nice round juicy onion. Watch here starting 6:45. (These are Hungarians, by the way. They are not even Slavs.)

The Real Shliach said...

You have strange taavos.

Crawling Axe said...

I just read this essay. There is something pathetic and narcissistic about the whole world arguing about how to spell your name.

The Real Shliach said...

Well, it's not his fault, is it?

Crawling Axe said...

I don't see essays on how to spell Alexander (aka Aleksandr) Sergeyevitch (aka Sergeyevich) Pushkin's name. If e.e. behaved liked all the rest of poets and used standard boring capitalization rules, people would not waste time writing dissertations about his name.

The Real Shliach said...

If E. E. (did you learn nothing from the essay?) had not been creative, would anyone have paid the least bit of attention to him?

Also, coming from a career academic, it's a bit rich criticizing people for writing dissertations on nonsense...

Crawling Axe said...

So, strange capitalization and punctutation are an attempt to make up for lack of talent?

You are confusing me with a member of humanities or social sciences. Scientists don't write dissertations on nonsense. Your iPod is a testimony to that.

The Real Shliach said...

How do you judge talent in a poet anyway?

It is?

Crawling Axe said...

Using a 12-point scale.

Yes indeed. In general, fundamental sciences are responsible for 80% in increase in GDP. Or something like that...

The Real Shliach said...

Ahh. Where would you pin my humble efforts?

Fair enough. My iPod is also testimony to the brilliance and greatness of Apple.

Crawling Axe said...

You write poetry?

That's true too.

The Real Shliach said...

http://therealshliach.blogspot.com/search/label/Poetry

Ha!

Crawling Axe said...

I would pin you somewhere between Anna Akhmatova and Antoine Jean-Baptiste Marie Roger de Saint Exupéry.

The Real Shliach said...

Really? I always thought of myself as the modern incarnation of Amanda McKittrick Ros.

Crawling Axe said...

"Always" means ever since I mentioned her to you?

I always thought of myself as Rambam's gilgul.

The Real Shliach said...

Since the time you've heard of Rambam I've thought of myself...

Crawling Axe said...

A bit egocentric, don't you think? You never think of the wife and the kids?

Crawling Axe said...

By the way, upon closer consideration, I wouldn’t put you next to Amanda McKittrick Ros. It takes a talent to be that bad a poet. To be a mediocre poet takes no special talent.

The Real Shliach said...

Didn't you see the ellipsis?

Mediocrity is the province of the middle class.

Crawling Axe said...

I took it as indication of aposiopesis. You, sir, are sending me mixed signals.

I thought it was New Jersey.

The Real Shliach said...

It was. You simply failed to read the ending correctly.

Mixed signals are like mixed salads- they're often far better than the individual ingredients for no apparent reason.

That too.

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

CA: Learned or well-read would be fine. "Talmid Chochom" would be equally inaccurate but would also convey what you meant. "literate in the lord's law"?!

TRS: e is a rabbi, not to be confused with a scholar. He's that too, but don't mix them up.

CA again: the iPod is a testimony to the fact that Technologists do not write dissertations about nonsense. Scientists are perfectly capable of doing just that.
For the actual answer to your question stay tuned for the next installment of sefer omed lisrefa

Crawling Axe said...

There are plenty of technologists who invent nonsense. But since they haven't convinced the government to rob people on their behalf, their inventions don't pay for their bread and butter.

Nevertheless, none of the modern advances would be possible without fundamental science, even within the modern imperfect system of its funding.

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

This does not mean that scientists DON'T write about nonsense. They do, they just don't do it exclusively like the humanities and do useful stuff too. A technologist CAN'T make a career of turning man-hours into used toilet paper (though some have made careers of producing un-used toilet paper)

Crawling Axe said...

Every doctor kills a number of patients throughout his lifetime. Some doctors do it even routinely. This doesn't mean that a doctor cannot criticize a serial killer.

e said...

the fish one was the best!

I'm so illiterate, i never heard of any of these poets.

The Real Shliach said...

CA: what would the doctor criticize the serial killer for?

e: glad you liked it.

The magic of Google...

Crawling Axe said...

Leaving too much evidence.

The Real Shliach said...

Or else, not getting away with it.

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

But to carry your analogy further a doctor can't say "doctors don't kill people" he could say "the medical profession isn't solely about killing people" or "most doctors do not kill people routinely"

Crawling Axe said...

I modeh to Modeh’s emes.

I shall correct my statement. It is not the purpose of science and principal activity of the scientists to write dissertations on nonsense.

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

Fair enough. However you missed one of the most evil and pernicious branches of the humanities: education. Not content with writing dissertations on nonsense these fell demons demand that others read said dissertations as well.

BTW the answer to your question about raw onions is up on the ch underground.

The Real Shliach said...

Who said you had to read them?