Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Peace through (cell) power

After Scott Brown’s shocking win last night in Massachusetts we here at HeightsDeals.com wanted to find a way to bring this country together again. It seems like healthcare isn’t going to do the trick, mainly because no one’s listened to our suggestions on the matter, but be that as it may, here at HeightsDeals.com we’re as public spirited as ever. In what other fashion could we possibly bring unity to this fractured amalgam of ours? How about through music? After all, music is to soothing the savages what airplanes are to transportation- extremely effective and not overly expensive. So how about it then? Let’s see what this future perfect might be like:

“Hey John, that’s a great phone you have there. It plays music so well and looks nice too.”

“Well Smithers, it is a great phone, but so is yours! It also plays music well, and also has a superior outward appearance.”

“Yes John, ever since we bought these cellphones from HeightsDeals.com we’ve been so very happy, and so is everyone around us!”

Wasn’t that beautiful? Just think of all the tremendous accomplishments that music has to its credit for the the last three thousand years or so, and imagine those effects multiplied by billions. With just a little bit of effort we could bring global peace in a way that James Cameron could only dream of. Best of all, instead of costing trillions of dollars, this plan would only require a modest investment of about sixty dollars per person, which in my opinion is well worth the cost. With every person rocking to their own tunes, no one would be jealous, no one would be hungry, no one would be anything but completely satisfied and content. Sounds a little socialist for all the right-wingers in this country to get behind? Obviously they haven’t heard the sublime brilliance of a well played Bach concerto.

Perhaps they’re right, these conservative tea drinkers. Perhaps there is a better way to bring this country together. What could be a better method than music? How about the promise of opportunity that is the internet? Let’s listen in to another conversation between John and Smithers:

“Hey John, what a remarkable new phone you have there. It surfs the net like it was born in Hawaii, and its messaging capabilities are unmatched. With a phone like that, you can really spread messages of peace and goodwill to all the world!”

“Well Smithers, I appreciate that you like this phone, but the truth is that your new phone is as much a game changer as mine. With those lightning-quick 3G speeds and that full Qwerty keyboard, your phone is truly equipped to be the new version of the United Nations security forces, but this time it’ll actually, bringing prosperity and capitalist ideals to everyone the world over.”

“John, truer words have never been spoken. If only everyone followed our lead and moseyed on down to HeightsDeals.com and did their part to save the world, there’d be no more car bombings or whatever. Even religious fundamentalists the world over can use technology to plan to their prayer meetings or whatever it is that religious fundamentalists do, and no one has to get hurt.”

Wishful thinking? Perhaps. After all, if music can’t save the world, who says the internet can? Good thing all four phones featured here have both excellent music and internet capabilities-the perfect combination to finally rid the world of all that ails it, and a great deal too!

41 comments:

e said...

you brought in the sales pitch early in this post. Perhaps better for heightsdeals, but less enjoyable for the non-hieghtsdealers among us.

The Real Shliach said...

What can I say? They were starting to question the effectiveness of my blogging.

e said...

n'nu. a man's gotta earn a buck.

The Real Shliach said...

Hopefully more....

sarabonne said...

"Wasn’t that beautiful?" <By this point I cracked up.

The Real Shliach said...

Glad I am to bring joy into every person's heart.

Crawling Axe said...

So, cell phones are a new version of the Danish King's drops (panacea)?

The Real Shliach said...

Danish King's Drops?

Crawling Axe said...

Yes indeed, sir. Google-translate this, if you want.

The Real Shliach said...

Or else you just write it out in plain English...

(boring, I know)

Crawling Axe said...

The roar of guns, bullets whistle,
The ring of bayonets and sabers
Dissolves easily
The ringing of these drops!
Sun, May, Arbat, love --
Above no career!
Drops of the Danish king
Drink, gentlemen!

Thank dizzy,
Authorities heart tickling --
Worth a farthing to those who become
Above the other wants!
Strengthen your body!
Take action!
Drops of the Danish king
Drink, gentlemen!

If the truth roar
You prevent coughing
Do not forget to sip
These wonders drops!
Before you let him stand
Past examples!
Drops of the Danish king
Drink Holders!

Crawling Axe said...

Anyway, you’re saying the cell phones will accomplish all that?

The Real Shliach said...

A. Where do you find this shtuff?

B. And more!

Crawling Axe said...

A. It actually makes sense in Russian.
B. That’s what they said about jeans.

The Real Shliach said...

A. It would have to.

B. And look how much they've accomplished.

Crawling Axe said...

B. How much?

C. I thought love conquers all. Can your cell phones provide love?

The Real Shliach said...

B. More than you will ever know.

C. Sure thing, but there's an additional fee for the extra hardware installation.

Crawling Axe said...

B. I have been known to wear jeans. But not a jean skirt.

C. Where is hardware installed: in the brain, in the heart, or in the phone?

The Real Shliach said...

B. Imagine how much better off you'd be...

C. Everyone knows that love only has to do with one of those, and so we'll obviously be installing the hardware in the cellphone.

Crawling Axe said...

B. I used to shave. Wasn’t so fun. If I also wore skirts...

C. But love makes us into fools, so I think you should offer the love package up front and then demand larger prices. Everyone will agree.

D. Vos shlufstu nisht?

The Real Shliach said...

B. Trust me, it's worth the investment.

C. Who said everyone is looking for love?

D. I'm asking myself the same question.

Crawling Axe said...

B. Perhaps I will delegate the honor.

C. Since you can’t wear jeans and jean skirts at the same time, you need two to do it...

D. I think you’re mourning the destruction of the Beis HaMikdosh. Or else you’re looking for some Soviet cartoons from 1970s.

The Real Shliach said...

B. Would you delegate winning the lottery?

C. What's love got to do with it?

D. Certainly not the latter.

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

YOu can wear both at once. MO girls do it all the time because everyone knows better than to tell them they look fat. I know exactly what you mean by shaving and I refuse to take the bait.

The Real Shliach said...

MO girls wear it all the time *because* people know not to call them fat?

Crawling Axe said...

Can we really say that anything in this world happens because of something that we do or don’t? Isn’t Hashem the only cause of all things?

The Real Shliach said...

Maybe *you* don't have free choice, but the rest of us...

Crawling Axe said...

Free choice determines only what decisions we make, not what happens. What actually happens — especially in the case of Stern girls — is up to Eibeshter.

The Real Shliach said...

What's with you and Stern girls? Oh, wait, forget I asked that question.

Crawling Axe said...

I’ll try.

moi said...

oh the power of fiction!


the power of human will!

The Cereal Killer said...

Ahhrrm! I say! I do know Smithers, for he existed within my cerebellum long before he waxed fruitful within yours. As such, Smithers would have never commented on cell phones, as being nothing but a figment our collective imagination, he requires a cell phone, why, like a ventriloquist's puppet requires a good Shure microphone and a 100,000 watt PA system. However, my good chap, I shall mosey on over to HeightsDeals.com were I to ever graduate from the Neanderthal School of Simple Living and purchase unto myself a worthy cellular telephone. Oh, the magic that is in the air now that practicable enterprise has married, and I do emphasize _married_, the endlessly empty loftiness of free-form poetic blogging, the former induced by that state ultimately brought on by the former, in particular, the collision of two forces of said within the blogosmos...

Um, now, where was I?

e said...

Cereal Killer: I love your name.

Crawling Axe said...

Smithers existed in your cerebellum? Do you have the same sense of balance as him?

The Real Shliach said...

Moi: Yup.

Murderer of Part of a Complete Breakfst: Nu, where were you?

e: It does have a certain ring to it, eh?

CA: Undoubtedly.

e said...

not the ring, the pun.

The Real Shliach said...

Ahh yes, quite.

sarabonne said...

He's the one who shoots the holes in the Cheerios. (The cereal, not the blogger.)

The Real Shliach said...

Oh. I was worried for a second there.

Crawling Axe said...

By the way, these people are drinking Danish King’s Drops.

The Real Shliach said...

Strangely enough, I still don't get it.