Thursday, April 23, 2009

Dear TRS: The oddly calmed edition

R' Shmuel Munkes once invented a mouse poison which he guaranteed would kill all and any mice. A chassid bought it, and came a few days later to complain, "You're poison doesn't work! The mice won't touch it!" R' Shmuel said, "Very simple. First you catch the mouse, then you make it swallow the poison, and then it dies." The Chassid said, "But once I catch the mouse, I don't need the poison anymore!" R' Shmuel said, "Ain lecha nami."

With that story in mind, it's time for a wholly original Dear TRS. Yup.

Dear Sir:

Why do penguins/bochurim, while on the street, spontaneously burst into song? It's unnerving.

Signed,

Alarmed
--
Dear Alarmed,

Your question is very important to us, and as soon as we finish humming this tune we'll attempt to get back to you.
-----
Dear Sir:

I really must know, why is a fish?

Signed,

New Age Feminist
--
Dear New Age,

Because if it wasn't, then what would it be?
----
Dear Sir:

If even snags admit they are allowed to sing during sfira why do they prohibit recorded singing (a capella) as "too much like music"?

Sincerely,

Hypocrisy Rocks
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Dear Hypocritical,

One of the most fundamental elements of snagginess of learning not to question the Gedolim. When the gedolim say something, you should listen. In other words, the words of the Gedolim to you must be the law. What I'm trying to say is, the Gedolim must be listened to and trusted in implicitly.

Having said that, I would like to point out that in fact only a capella music that is able to be listened to is banned from being listened to. Therefore, any non-listenable music is permitted to be listened to.
----
Dear Sir:

Will you join my organization Morons And Dumkopfs Negating Endlessly Stagnating 'Stereotypes' (MADNESS) We have several guidelines for our members to follow. In the interests of furtherance of multiculturalism will you agree never to speak to a Muslim lest you offend his or her religious sensibilities? Furthermore, will you agree never to take a picture of a young sfardi chareidi lest it be misinterpreted as an image of Muhammad may he rest in pieces?

Sincerely,

A.P Manson
--
Dear A.P. Manson

At first I was very excited to join your organization, but then I realized that you made fun of the prophet Muhammad, and I resolved to blow you up.
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Dear Sir:

Don't you know that it is the height of shamelessness for an advice columnist to solicit questions?

yours truly,

Heckler
--
Dear Heckler,

I merely follow in the best traditions of my predecessors who always have a mailing address by their columns. Besides, wouldn't you think it weird if I had an advice column and no one to address the address to?
----

Sincerely to all, TRS

35 comments:

sarabonne said...

THIS was a good one.

le7 said...

There has to be typos in the fish question.

Cheerio said...

no, it's an awesome question! i'll be meditating on the answer all shabbos. (and no, i did not ask it.)

The Real Shliach said...

Sara: as opposed to all the others?

le7: nope, that's exactly how it was sent in.

Cheerio: excellent.

SZB said...

No hat tip for the song [never mind the fish question]?!

You're answer to the question is based on presumptuous addition [i.e. why is a fish ]. It's people like you that give religious scholarship a bad name.

I protest your mindless butchering of this deep philosophical, theological and existential question, the answer to which holds the key to life love and milky way.

Cheers.

SZB said...

that should read:

[i.e.what is a fish a fish ]

SZB said...

correction round two:

[why is a fish ,a fish]

The Real Shliach said...

SZB: My dear boy, if you can't ask the correction correctly, how can you possibly a correct answer? And btw, if you're wondering, I think the answer is 42.

e said...

i'm in middle of discovering that my phone's regular browser is quite serviceable for commenting on blogs. now i don't need to bother with opera!

e said...

Subscribing

The Real Shliach said...

mazel tov

SZB said...

shvach.

how uninspiring. you remind me why i stopped commenting here.

C said...

I am neither a penguin nor a bochur, but I spontaneously burst into song many times. Mostly when walking the the street, or in my house, or walking the halls in school, or at the mall, or at the grocery store. Sometimes at shul, too. I'm sure there are other places as well. Like the shower. Great place to sing.

The Real Shliach said...

The problem with the shower, of course, is that all the good songs are pesukim...

170 Comments On My Shirt Today said...

Commentfields are for comments as noses are for things to go up. But just like a nose can take in the lovely smell of a rose, or a finger to remove unwanted snot, a comment field can . . .

e said...

jealous you are, mister 107 comments.

170 Comments On My Shirt Today said...

better one flower than a hundred boogers.

e said...

i repeat, jealous you are.

The Real Shliach said...

What's he jealous of?

Gemara for Dummies said...

Dear Sir,
"Ain lecha nami" means "there isn't also for you".
I think you meant "Ein hacha nami".

The Real Shliach said...

And therefore...?

Anonymous said...

...and therefore it changes the meaning

see basically, the reason there are so many different words in Aramaic, is that they all mean different things - they're not interchangeable.

The Real Shliach said...

How does that change the story significantly?

Anonymous said...

oh, never mind...

The Real Shliach said...

I'll try to avoid it.

e said...

It doesn't change the story. It just shows that trs is an am ha'aretz

The Real Shliach said...

Like, whatever

sarabonne said...

(California accent) And this post is like so old so like move on....

The Real Shliach said...

Sheesh, e's trying to be a jerk, and this is what you tell him?

sarabonne said...

Yup. I don't do fights on posts of the past.

e said...

I'm not trying to be a jerk. I'm articulating what anon wasn't able to.

The Real Shliach said...

Sara: Wise son you are. OK, not quite.

e: Ahh. So you are enabling others to be jerks. How sweet.

e said...

i keep open the lines of honest communication. Why wasn't I invited to contribute to this week's dear trs?

The Real Shliach said...

That's called Loshon Hora.

Why didn't you read last night's post?

e said...

a personal invition i was expecting.