Dear TRS: The oddly calmed edition

R' Shmuel Munkes once invented a mouse poison which he guaranteed would kill all and any mice. A chassid bought it, and came a few days later to complain, "You're poison doesn't work! The mice won't touch it!" R' Shmuel said, "Very simple. First you catch the mouse, then you make it swallow the poison, and then it dies." The Chassid said, "But once I catch the mouse, I don't need the poison anymore!" R' Shmuel said, "Ain lecha nami."

With that story in mind, it's time for a wholly original Dear TRS. Yup.

Dear Sir:

Why do penguins/bochurim, while on the street, spontaneously burst into song? It's unnerving.

Signed,

Alarmed
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Dear Alarmed,

Your question is very important to us, and as soon as we finish humming this tune we'll attempt to get back to you.
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Dear Sir:

I really must know, why is a fish?

Signed,

New Age Feminist
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Dear New Age,

Because if it wasn't, then what would it be?
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Dear Sir:

If even snags admit they are allowed to sing during sfira why do they prohibit recorded singing (a capella) as "too much like music"?

Sincerely,

Hypocrisy Rocks
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Dear Hypocritical,

One of the most fundamental elements of snagginess of learning not to question the Gedolim. When the gedolim say something, you should listen. In other words, the words of the Gedolim to you must be the law. What I'm trying to say is, the Gedolim must be listened to and trusted in implicitly.

Having said that, I would like to point out that in fact only a capella music that is able to be listened to is banned from being listened to. Therefore, any non-listenable music is permitted to be listened to.
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Dear Sir:

Will you join my organization Morons And Dumkopfs Negating Endlessly Stagnating 'Stereotypes' (MADNESS) We have several guidelines for our members to follow. In the interests of furtherance of multiculturalism will you agree never to speak to a Muslim lest you offend his or her religious sensibilities? Furthermore, will you agree never to take a picture of a young sfardi chareidi lest it be misinterpreted as an image of Muhammad may he rest in pieces?

Sincerely,

A.P Manson
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Dear A.P. Manson

At first I was very excited to join your organization, but then I realized that you made fun of the prophet Muhammad, and I resolved to blow you up.
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Dear Sir:

Don't you know that it is the height of shamelessness for an advice columnist to solicit questions?

yours truly,

Heckler
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Dear Heckler,

I merely follow in the best traditions of my predecessors who always have a mailing address by their columns. Besides, wouldn't you think it weird if I had an advice column and no one to address the address to?
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Sincerely to all, TRS