And tonight, we say l'chaim...

Rabbi Mordechai Friedman tells me the following every year, and I think it's quite pertinent:

The two days of Shemini Atzeret and Simchat Torah are very precious. Rabbi Shalom DovBer Schneersohn, fifth Rebbe of Chabad-Lubavitch, stated:

The 48 hours of Shemini Atzeret and Simchat Torah should be highly treasured. Every moment is an opportunity to draw bucket- and barrelfuls of material and spiritual treasures. And this is accomplished through dancing...

I also remember something along the lines of, "What can be accomplished through the 48 hours of Rosh Hashanah through penitenting can be accomplished in the 48 hours of Shemini Atzeres and Simchas Torah through dancing," but I can't find a source for it.

Prince of Bloomington

I know I've been remiss in my blogging over the last year or so, but hey, I've been busy. I also know that I may have offended some people at some point in the last year, and for that I'm sorry. Even if it wasn't intentional, it wasn't nice, and as everyone knows, TRS is all about being nice. I don't G-d forbid rue the performance of good deeds, i.e. I don't regret not blogging, because I was probably busy with other, more important things.

Meanwhile, in other news, I was recently emailed some interesting shtuff by a loyal reader, and I'd like to know all your's opinion on the matter.

Virtual Mincha - A Taste of the Future?

The Jerusalem Post recently published an article about a new phenomenon in the Jewish world: virtual mincha. Although many synagogues now webcast services for people who can't make it to schul in person, two new websites are creating Jewish communities that are 100% online.
PunkTorah.org was created by two young Jews in Atlanta who hosted their first online prayer service in June, while Cincinnati based OurJewishCommunity.org is led by Rabbi Laura Baum. Both websites aim to bring Jews together regardless of geographic location. "I can be your rabbi even if you're not in Cincinnati," says Rabbi Baum. "We are your rabbis and this is your community."
While online prayer groups meet the needs of those unable to get together in person, they also raise questions. As the JPost article notes, certain prayers require a minyan - a group of 10 Jewish adults - in order for the prayer to be recited. "But in an age of webcams and the Internet telephone service Skype," said Jewish Jumpstar founder Shawn Landres said, "spatial relations become altered and who's to say what 'together' means?"
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Here's the question: At what point does Chabad.org start up a similar thing?

Reflections of a retired rover

On second thought, that title isn't particularly appropriate (even if it does get full marks in the alliterative department). First of all, once a Shliach always a Shliach, and second of all, it's way too pretentious. Just last week I assisted an Israeli customer (I work in retail) who needed help finding a Minyan in Manhattan. Another customer, this one a South African, happened to be celebrating a birthday, and I directed him to the Rebbe's Ohel. Is it the same as visiting Jews in Kansas, Missouri, and Connecticut? It's something along those lines.

Point is, there's always Jews out there waiting for the proverbial lamplighter to come by and spark a flame inside. Wherever we are, whatever we're doing, we can be the ones to light that wick and turn it into a raging fire. And that's really what Merkos Shlichus is all about. Reading the stories of the current crop of Roving Rabbis makes me realize how truly awesome it is to have been part of something so incredible. Like everyone connected with any enterprise, I never realized how much I was accomplishing through my simple slogging-through of the spiritual desert that is much of modern day America. Because really, that's what it's all about. Take a car, crank up the AC (if you have it), and drive out onto the prairie, following in the footsteps of all those pioneers on the Oregon Trail so many years ago. Once you're out on the road, open up the local Yellow Pages, Google a bit, and find some Jews. Reach out, put on Tefillin, put up some Mezuzahs, inspire, get inspired, drink some Coke and eat some potato chips, and generally make the world a better place. And if you have any cool stories, send them into this here blog.

Thing is, there are so many Jews out there waiting to be found, their souls simply crying out for spiritual solace, and all you've got to do is try. We don't expect any miracles, and there aren't even any quotas to be filled. There's no measurement for accomplishment; the only requirement is to rove far and wide, searching for the remnants of a people that has been beaten so many times it's forgotten how to raise its head in pride. Which is exactly what the Roving Rabbis are for. Lift those heads high, show them what you got. I know this has all sounded corny, but sometimes life is like that. Kansas is like that too. I mean, lots of corn.

(The above was written for Roving Rabbis.)

Pretty brutal, eh?

As the Chassanim were being called up to the Torah this week by R' Gerlitzky I marveled at their well faces and wondered if any would be at 770 in the coming week for my newly-customary 6:45 Shacharis. As the Torah was being read I wondered if any of them were taking eternal lessons from the portion that has fallen to their lot, and if any of them noticed how brutal this week's Parsha was in that department. Here's a short summary thereof:
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Kohen (Aliyah #1): Marry some beautiful woman on the battlefield, but first see her debased.

Have two wives, one of whom you hate.

Testify in court that your son should be die.
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Whoever got Levi (Aliyah #2) got off easy- the only thing in there is a prohibition against cross-dressing, though I suppose that this week's crop of clean shaven grooms might have a hard time with that one.
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Yisroel (Aliyah #3): If a man marries, hates her, and claims she wasn't all pure and virginal when the nuptials occurred.

Get into a massive fight with your in-laws.

Pay lots of money for defaming your wife.

Result in your wife being stoned (not in a good way).

No Adultery!

Seduce a betrothed girl? You both die.

Rape a betrothed girl? Only you die.

Seduce a single girl, pay a fine.
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Fourth Aliyah: No promiscuous men or women.
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Fifth Aliyah: Guy divorces his wife, she gets remarried, the next husband divorces her too. First husband wants her back? No go, Joe.
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Sixth Aliyah (Finally, something propitious!): If a guy marries a new wife, then he doesn't have to serve in the army. Not only that, but he has to gladden her for a whole year.
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Seventh Aliyah: When there are two brothers, and one of them dies without issue, then the wife of the deceased has to either marry her brother-in-law or perform a ceremony, at which point his refusal to perpetuate his brother's memory is publicized throughout Israel.

If two guys are fighting, and the wife of one of them comes in to rescue her husband, and grabs the embarrassing place of the other guy, then her palm gets cut off. No pity.
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At least Maftir (Aliyah 7.5)is relatively simple. All you have to do is wipe out the remembrance of Amalek from under the heaven. Benign stuff, really.
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So there you have it folks- five of this week's eight possible portions were filled with cautionary tales re: marriage. Hope those Chassanim take it to heart, along with the hangovers they're undoubtedly enjoying.

Adam had a party

The Mosque in downtown is a Trojan Horse!

--Charlie Buttons

Bald is beautiful

In today's Chitas we learn about all sorts of permitted and forbidden animals. This is rather strange, because the Torah already dealt with this topic in Leviticus. Why does it need to reiterate in Deuteronomy? The Rabbis answer (as brought down by Rashi) that they were repeated because the first time around two important species were left out: the Shesuah (an animal with two backs and two backbones) and the raah (which actually was mentioned in Leviticus, but under a different name). My question is, if the whole topic was only repeated because those two species were missing, why weren't they simply mentioned in the first place?

In other news, today's Chitas also comments, "You are the children of the Omnipresent, and you are fit to be handsome." Just saying.

Ponder this!

Was Chelsea Clinton's Chosson's wearing of a Yarmulkeh and Tallis at their nuptials a positive development for Judaism in America or was it merely the latest sign of the destruction of our once-proud religion? Does Lubavitch have a different answer to this question than, let us say for example, Povonezh? And what would Moses Mendelson say?

No temps

I know you've all been desperately waiting for a new post (hey Sam), and believe you me, there's lots to write about. Only thing is, I'm no waiter to be ranting, and anyway, it's kind of hard to be anonymous when you're working for the world's largest media retailer (box). Plus, there's the whole picture on the side of the page thing. Be that as it may, there's still plenty I can write about without getting my pants sued of. For example, did you know that I'm working on a real live book deal? No details no, but expect to see my name in print within the next three years or so. And the day job? So far so good. Learned lots re: headphones today. Now I just need to pay a decent pair for myself.

Quick question

If the Rabbis had known then what we know now, would they have made the washing of the hands with soap following a visit to the lavatory mandatory?

As is my usual wont, I merely inquire.

Back to the Kansas

So many years ago, out of the land of Goshen, I heard my people's crying heart... In other news, here's yesterday's news, served fried on a stick:
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My friend Sruli Clapman and I just got back from a house call in Leawood, Kansas. There's a very nice elderly couple living there, and we were coming to check their Mezuzos. First, of course, we exchanged histories. He was born to Jewish parents in Salt Lake City, Utah, but had no Jewish contact until he met his current wife, in Omaha. She's involved with the Chabad here in Kansas City, and had asked for us to come. The first Mezuzah-case that we looked at had no scroll. The second had a piece of paper in it. The third had a piece of parchment, but it was obviously not Kosher. So we put up five Mezuzos, which is really tremendous. Might be a little expensive in the short run, but they protect you and all you own, for eternity, or your next scheduled oil tuneup, whichever comes first.

Following the Mezuzos, we asked the man of the house if he would like to put on Tefillin. He hemmed and hawed a bit, but his wife soon put a stop to that. 45 seconds later, he had phylacteries on his head. The first time too. Amazing, isn't it, that a Jewish man can go 85+ years without checking his Jewish blood pressure! And then it was time to go, but not before cooing over their great-grandson, who is quite cute, I must say.

A couple of nights later we went to Lawrence to learn some Torah with the locals. Lawrence is the home of Kansas University, and so I learned Kuntres Inyana Shel Toras HaChassidus with a student (Lawrence is the home of KU, and therefore I learned with a guy? Whatever happened to the almighty editor?). We'll call him Charles. Sorry about the plug there, it was just one of those things that had to be done. Essentially, this work explains why Chassidus is so important. After all, we have the Torah, the Mishna, the Talmud, the Kabbala, the Medrash, the Codifiers, and the great Halachic authorities. Who needs Chassidus? I won't spoil the surprise, so go pick up a copy and find out.

Officially we sell books on Merkos Shlichus. OK, not only officially, but something tells me that a little more emphasis was put on it forty years ago than today. Just a hunch. Anyway, I'm just doing my part.

After the learning was done we settled down to a Farbrengen with Rabbis Wineberg and Teichtel. It's great to be able to sit with guys who really don't have too much contact with the rest of the Lubavitch world, and who look for inspiration from Yeshiva guys like me. Me! Sure, I'm great and all, but I don't really see myself as too inspirational. (If anyone disagrees they can post a comment). See, guys in Yeshiva look up to the Shluchim, and rightly so. These people are on the front line of the battle for Jewish survival, and they're doing an incredible job! Meanwhile the Shluchim (some of them anyway) are pining for their days in Yeshiva, where a guy can be surrounded by people like himself all day and just learn and pray and all those things to his heart's content.