Sunday, June 1, 2008

A Chitas Saga

Teachers work very hard. Included amongst all their other drudgeries are substitute lesson plans for when the teacher is sick or at a wedding or something like that. Teachers generally like to make these lesson plans self-contained, so that their replacement has no trouble and the teacher doesn't have too much of a headache when they come back and find out that the substitute told all their students that black is white, the sky is orange, and their regular teacher has horns on the back of their legs. But I digress. My aim in this whole introduction was merely to explain my decision to write today's post today. My brain has decided to take a bit of a vacation, and it's being replaced by the backup, which is slightly more brilliant but also slightly more unbalanced. So here goes...

G-d is a really great, um, well, G-d. I was considering saying that he was a guy, but that would be A. Inaccurate, and B. Disrespectful, not to mention C. Foolhardy, and D. Possibly humorous. (See, I told you this alternative personality was kind of strange). Way back when, in the beginning of time, G-d created the world. Yeah! He wrote about it in the book of Genesis, available for the last several thousand years from your local scribe. G-d later sent Jacob and his children down to Egypt-land, and even later then that he told Moses to tell Pharaoh, "Let my people go." The Israelites got out of dodge, and went into the desert to get the Torah. While they were there they also got a whole ton of laws relating to sanctuaries and sacrifices, and later fought some battles, had some rebellions, and generally did things any nascent people do when they're wandering around a wilderness for forty years and don't have even one stick of deodorant among them. Later they got some more laws, a recap of the whole adventure, and were poised to go into the land when BOOM! Moses died and that was that. The bible ends. Everyone goes to sleep, and later the Jews go in to the land, go out of the land, go back in, go back out, go back in, get rockets rained down on 'em from snot-faced little brats in Gaza, and generally have a great time being killed by people who don't like long noses. All that shtuff isn't included in the Torah; I just put it in to get you caught up on the history of the world.
It's Rosh Hashanah, and all are a'feared; Yom Kippur they're hungry, and Sukkos they're imbibing. This a pretty good month for Jews; everything's idyllic, and everyone expects to be joyful for the rest of eternity. And then the unthinkable happens. Cheshvan hits, the most boring month ever conceived by divine intelligence. Fortunately, every day is (mildly) exciting, because we're in the middle of Genesis, renowned for it's stories, wit, wisdom, and pretty wild passages in the Meam Loaz.
Chanuka is the final hurrah for Kislev, a month that rivals for Tishrei for joy and other fun shtuff. Next up is Teves, a month which by itself is not too exciting, but is redeemed by A. Preparations for 10 Shevat, and B. The beginnings of the enslavement in Egypt. Yes, being enslaved isn't much fun, even with the free fish, but learning about it is pretty cool. Continuing along in this chain of musical months, we hit Shevat, which of course has several days of importance, including the Rebbe's ascension to the throne, my birthday, the new year for elks, elms, and other varieties of tree-like vegetative manner, and of course the Rebbitzen's Yahrtzeit, which always feels like a bit of a letdown when commemorated outside of Detroit. Chumash in these days begins to become, dare I say, a bit tedious, with all this talk of the Mishkan and its assorted implements. Nevertheless, hope springs eternal in the human breast, for up we come to Adar, with all its attendant happiness and cleaning for Pesach. Who has time to think about the sacrifices of Leviticus, with its dearth of stories and overload of priestly function. But as I say, there's no worries, because everyone is busy purging their homes of Coke, rum, and other leavened entities. After Pesach comes the hard times, with no music and quite boring Chumash. Yes, I'll probably be stoned for writing that, but, in my humble opinion, it's true. At least we have cheesecake to look forward to, and Numbers. Yes, the book of Numbers, renowned for it's interesting and enlightening episodes, known throughout the known world as being a much more entertaining yarn than the one presented in the previous book of the Jewish Bible. And it's at this point where we stand now, ready to eat all those cheese crepes and discover again the joys of spies, Korach, wells, and the occasional law or two. I was really looking forward to Numbers, and when I found not an exciting tale in all of the first Parsha I comforted myself that in Nasso we would have our fun. But it is not to be, and this whole week I lie desolate, abandoned by the books which once strove to light the way. Um, that was a bit melodramatic. Sorry. Truth is, I can deal with the pain, especially with the promise of a new Lipa Schmeltzer CD in a week or two.
The rest of the year also has some cool stuff going on; Deuteronomy isn't the most vibrant of books, but there's always the three weeks and Elul, month of repentance, to make up for any shortcomings. And after Elul comes Tishrei, the whole cycle starting anew with much singing and gnashing of teeth. If you want to read about it, then just scroll up! Oh, the joy!

9 comments:

Eliezer said...

My sincere apologies. I'm too tired to read the post. It looks superfantasitimazing, as usual.

Oh yeah, I like the "Comment early, comment often!" It reminds me of my good old hometown. However, I cannot resist pointing out that it should be "Comment early; comment often!" Don't forget the long-forgotten and neglected semicolon.

The Real Shliach said...

Happy?

Anonymous said...

rebbetzins b-day adar not shvat.........

Eliezer said...

I'm deliriously happy!

The Real Shliach said...

Yeah, I was spacing out or something; it's fixed now.

Anonymous said...

blog very inspiring....
fan from far away
thanx

The Real Shliach said...

I'm happy that you're inspired. If I knew your name, rank, and serial number I'd be even happier!

ChayAiz said...

i didnt even read the post
and i agree!

The Real Shliach said...

If you didn't even read the post why are you agreeing with it?