Dear TRS: Reality sets in

That's right folks, it's time for another exciting edition of ask the RS. Incidentally, all of these are real questions, sent in by real people. Scary, I know. Here we go:

Dear Sir:

Can you think of an English rhyme to aid baalei tshuva in understanding the talmudic and practical concept of "der oilam's ah goilem?"
sincerely,

Shliach to the poets-in-residence
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Dear Shliach to the poets-in-residence,

Are you trying to suggest that the masses are asses? And not even the asses of Rebbi Pinchas Ben Yair?
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Dear Sir:
Is the prohibition of music in effect on hallel days that occur during sfira? If so does yom ha'atzmaut (known to certain chagas kreizin as yoim huhhatzomos) count?

What about stuff that is technically produced on instruments but is not music by any sane definition? (Insert singer/group you dislike)
sincerely,

Metal Fan
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Dear Metal Fan,

The answer to your first question is that if you're willing to suspend rational thought and hold that you can't listen to whatever it is you're not listening to then the same would apply on hallel days as well, obviously excepting the 5th of Iyar, when it's a mitzvah to play Hatikvah on loudspeakers from a Mitzvah Tank in Williamsburg.

Any music which is not music by any sane definition shouldn't be listened to anyway, so what's the question? You mean if you're of a snaggish disposition and have masochistic tendencies?
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Dear Sir:

What is the fundamental question of integral calculus and what does it have to do with differential calculus? And oh yeah, what is the point of that little carrot shaped button on my blue calculator?

Sincerely,

Mathematically Mystified
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Dear Mathematically Mystified,

I.

Let f be a continuous real-valued function defined on a closed interval a,">b. If F is the function defined for x in a,">b by

$F(x)\; =\; \backslash int\_a^x\; f(t)\backslash ,\; dt$

then

$F\text{'}(x)\; =\; f(x)\backslash ,$

for every x in a,">b.

II.

Let F be a continuous real-valued function defined on a closed interval a,">b. If f is the function such that

$f(x)\; =\; F\text{'}(x)\backslash ,$ for all x in a,">b

then

$\backslash int\_a^b\; f(x)\; dx\; =\; F(b)\; -\; F(a)$.

Corollary

Let F be a real-valued continuous function defined on a closed interval a,">b. If f is the function defined by

$f(x)\; =\; F\text{'}(x)\backslash ,$ for all x in a,">b

then

$F(x)\; =\; \backslash int\_a^x\; f(t)\; dt\; +\; F(a)$

and

$f(x)\; =\; \backslash frac\{d\}\{dx\}\; \backslash int\_a^x\; f(x)\; dx$.

Proof

Part I

It is given that

$F(x)\; =\; \backslash int\_\{a\}^\{x\}\; f(t)\; dt$

Let there be two numbers x₁ and x₁ + Δx in a,">b. So we have

$F(x\_1)\; =\; \backslash int\_\{a\}^\{x\_1\}\; f(t)\; dt$

and

$F(x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x)\; =\; \backslash int\_\{a\}^\{x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x\}\; f(t)\; dt$.

Subtracting the two equations gives

$F(x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x)\; -\; F(x\_1)\; =\; \backslash int\_\{a\}^\{x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x\}\; f(t)\; dt\; -\; \backslash int\_\{a\}^\{x\_1\}\; f(t)\; dt\; \backslash qquad\; (1)$.

It can be shown that

$\backslash int\_\{a\}^\{x\_1\}\; f(t)\; dt\; +\; \backslash int\_\{x\_1\}^\{x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x\}\; f(t)\; dt\; =\; \backslash int\_\{a\}^\{x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x\}\; f(t)\; dt$.

(The sum of the areas of two adjacent regions is equal to the area of both regions combined.)

Manipulating this equation gives

$\backslash int\_\{a\}^\{x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x\}\; f(t)\; dt\; -\; \backslash int\_\{a\}^\{x\_1\}\; f(t)\; dt\; =\; \backslash int\_\{x\_1\}^\{x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x\}\; f(t)\; dt$.

Substituting the above into (1) results in

$F(x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x)\; -\; F(x\_1)\; =\; \backslash int\_\{x\_1\}^\{x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x\}\; f(t)\; dt\; \backslash qquad\; (2)$.

According to the mean value theorem for integration, there exists a c in x₁,">x₁ + Δx such that

$\backslash int\_\{x\_1\}^\{x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x\}\; f(t)\; dt\; =\; f(c)\; \backslash Delta\; x$.

Substituting the above into (2) we get

$F(x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x)\; -\; F(x\_1)\; =\; f(c)\; \backslash Delta\; x\; \backslash ,$.

Dividing both sides by Δx gives

$\backslash frac\{F(x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x)\; -\; F(x\_1)\}\{\backslash Delta\; x\}\; =\; f(c)$.

Notice that the expression on the left side of the equation is Newton's difference quotient for F at x₁.

Take the limit as Δx → 0 on both sides of the equation.

$\backslash lim\_\{\backslash Delta\; x\; \backslash to\; 0\}\; \backslash frac\{F(x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x)\; -\; F(x\_1)\}\{\backslash Delta\; x\}\; =\; \backslash lim\_\{\backslash Delta\; x\; \backslash to\; 0\}\; f(c)$

The expression on the left side of the equation is the definition of the derivative of F at x₁.

$F\text{'}(x\_1)\; =\; \backslash lim\_\{\backslash Delta\; x\; \backslash to\; 0\}\; f(c)\; \backslash qquad\; (3)$.

To find the other limit, we will use the squeeze theorem. The number c is in the interval x₁,">x₁ + Δx, so x₁ ≤ c ≤ x₁ + Δx. Also, $\backslash lim\_\{\backslash Delta\; x\; \backslash to\; 0\}\; x\_1\; =\; x\_1$ and $\backslash lim\_\{\backslash Delta\; x\; \backslash to\; 0\}\; x\_1\; +\; \backslash Delta\; x\; =\; x\_1$. Therefore, according to the squeeze theorem,

$\backslash lim\_\{\backslash Delta\; x\; \backslash to\; 0\}\; c\; =\; x\_1$.

Substituting into (3), we get

$F\text{'}(x\_1)\; =\; \backslash lim\_\{c\; \backslash to\; x\_1\}\; f(c)$.

The function f is continuous at c, so the limit can be taken inside the function. Therefore, we get

$F\text{'}(x\_1)\; =\; f(x\_1)\; \backslash ,$.

which completes the proof. (Leithold et al, 1996)

Part II

This is a limit proof by Riemann Sums. Let f be continuous on the interval a,">b, and let F be an antiderivative of f. Begin with the quantity

$F(b)\; -\; F(a)$.

Let there be numbers x₁ thru x_n such that

$F(b)\; -\; F(a)\; =\; F(x\_n)\; -\; F(x\_0)\; \backslash ,$.

Now, we add each F(x_i) along with its additive inverse, so that the resulting quantity is equal:

& = & F(x_n)\,-\,F(x_{n-1})\,+\,F(x_{n-1})\,+\,\ldots\,-\,F(x_1)\,+\,F(x_1)\,-\,F(x_0) \, \end{matrix} The above quantity can be written as the following sum:

$F(b)\; -\; F(a)\; =\; \backslash sum\_\{i=1\}^n-\; F(x\_\{i-1\})\backslash qquad\; (1)$

Here we employ the Mean Value Theorem. In brief, it is as follows:

Let f be continuous on the closed interval a,">b and differentiable on the open interval (a, b). Then there exists some c in (a, b) such that

$f\text{'}(c)\; =\; \backslash frac\{f(b)\; -\; f(a)\}\{b\; -\; a\}$.

It follows that

$f\text{'}(c)(b\; -\; a)\; =\; f(b)\; -\; f(a)\; \backslash ,$.

The function F is differentiable on the interval a,">b; therefore, it is also differentiable and continuous on each interval x_i-1. Therefore, according to the Mean Value Theorem (above),

$F(x\_i)\; -\; F(x\_\{i-1\})\; =\; F\text{'}(c\_i)(x\_i\; -\; x\_\{i-1\})\; \backslash ,$.

Substituting the above into (1), we get

$F(b)\; -\; F(a)\; =\; \backslash sum\_\{i=1\}^n-\; x\_\{i-1\})$.

As the derivative of the antiderivative is the original function, $F\text{'}(c\_i)\; =\; f(c\_i)$. Also, $x\_i\; -\; x\_\{i-1\}$ can be expressed as $\backslash Delta\; x$ of partition $i$.

$F(b)\; -\; F(a)\; =\; \backslash sum\_\{i=1\}^nx\_i)\backslash qquad\; (2)$

Notice that we are describing the area of a rectangle, with the width times the height, and we are adding the areas together. Each rectangle, by virtue of the Mean Value Theorem, describes an approximation of the curve section it is drawn over. Also notice that $\backslash Delta\; x\_i$ does not need to be the same for any value of $i$, or in other words that the width of the rectangles can differ. What we have to do is approximate the curve with $n$ rectangles. Now, as the size of the partitions get smaller and n increases, resulting in more partitions to cover the space, we will get closer and closer to the actual area of the curve. By taking the limit of the expression as the norm of the partitions approaches zero, we arrive at the Riemann integral. That is, we take the limit as the largest of the partitions approaches zero in size, so that all other partitions are smaller and the number of partitions approaches infinity. So, we take the limit on both sides of (3). This gives us

$\backslash lim\_\{\backslash |\; \backslash Delta\; \backslash |\; \backslash to\; 0\}\; F(b)\; -\; F(a)\; =\; \backslash lim\_\{\backslash |\; \backslash Delta\; \backslash |\; \backslash to\; 0\}\; \backslash sum\_\{i=1\}^nx\_i)\backslash ,dx$

The expressions F(b) and F(a) are not dependent on ||Δ||, so the limit on the left side remains F(b) - F(a).

$F(b)\; -\; F(a)\; =\; \backslash lim\_\{\backslash |\; \backslash Delta\; \backslash |\; \backslash to\; 0\}\; \backslash sum\_\{i=1\}^nx\_i)$

The expression on the right side of the equation defines an integral over f from a to b. Therefore, we obtain

$F(b)\; -\; F(a)\; =\; \backslash int\_\{a\}^\{b\}\; f(x)\backslash ,dx$

which completes the proof.

Happy?

In answer to your second question, "What's up Doc?"
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Dear Sir:

My recently engaged friend was appointed to oversee all dorm-food preparation and thus is at her wits end. How might I go about telling her that raw eggs mixed with mushy bananas doesn't create ice cream, without losing my head?

Sincerely,

A'feared of Wrath

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Dear A'feared of Wrath

Just give her this simple recipe, and mention that TRS is now accepting donations:

Blend 6 very ripe bananas until smooth. Add 2 egg yolks and 3/4 cup of ground nuts, filberts, or almonds. Blend for one minute. Beat 4 egg whites until stiff. Mix slowly into banana mixture with wooden spoon. Pour into a glass dish and spread remaining 1/4 cup nuts on top. Freeze at least 4 hours. When serving poor 1 teaspoon wine on each scoop or portion.

Serves 12
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Dear Sir:

My brother insists on not cutting his afro and I fear that by the end of sefira all hope, not to mention sight, will be lost. Do you think he's mind if I trim it during the night? Then again, it would make for a lovely sheitel...

Sincerely,

Distressed
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Dear Distressed,

Do I think he'll mind if you sin against all that is holiness and sacred? Of course, locks for love is a wonderful organization.
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Dear Sir:

What's a Chol Hamoed trip that will be enjoyable for a family aged 1.5 through 55?

Sincerely,

Even more desperate
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Dear Even more desperate,

What exactly do 1.5 year olds enjoy doing anyway? From what I can tell, they're the same happy whether here or there.
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Dear Sir:

Why is borscht in America made of beets and borscht in Russia made with cabbage?

Sincerely,

Ari
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Dear Ari,

Perhaps because Americans prefer sour cream nine times out of ten?
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And that's all folks!

Almonds too

Tonight there was a farbrengen at Lubavitch House in West S. Paul, and yours truly was on the scene cracking an obscene amount of nuts and writing down some of the shtuff being said by Rabbi Moshe Feller, director of Upper Midwest Merkos and Twins fan.

He mentioned one of the biggest conservative rabbis back in the day, Arthur Hertzberg, who was no friend of Lubavitch. He eventually became friendly with our glorious movement when his daughter, who lived in Fresno, California, sent her kid to the local Shliach's (Zirkind) preschool.

At some point he made it to the Shluchim convention, where he said that for years he had been preaching "a Jew in the home and a citizen in the street," but this failed. The Rebbe said, "A Jew in the street, and through this you'll be successful at being a Jew in the home." This method worked.
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Nochum Schapiro (from Australia) on the shluchim conference call/farbrengen on Yud Aleph Nissan said that one of the people he knew, a banker, suffered from tremendous spinal pains. He was a regional overseer for banks, and his job was to come in when problems arose and solve them. He said that the only time he escaped from his wrenching back pain was when he was immersed in financial issues. The lesson? You can only be happy when you're helping someone else.
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Everyone should say some Tehillim for Charlene bas Molly. Thanks.
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The Friedriker Rebbe was a genius in both Chassidus and Nigleh, but he didn't publicize his erudition in the latter. He once declared that this wasn't his job in life. At some point the Rebbe came across a whole series of letters between the Friedriker Rebbe and R' Chaim Ozer regarding shechita, which showed off the Friedriker Rebbe's brilliance. The Rebbe marked the letters "not for publication".

It's been a long time

My faithful readers, have, I'm sure, missed me and my commas tremendously. Someone suggested that I show off my new-found religiosity by writing a bit about Sotah. You see, there's a minhag among us super-religious types to learn Sotah between Pesach and Shavuos, and I came across some interesting things while shteiging (excuse me while I brech).

Did you know that the whole thing of a shidduch being more difficult to arrange than the splitting of the see of reeds only applies to a second marriage? And that if you're not deserving than someone else marries your bashert and you have to settle for second best? Of course, you'd never know it, because no one in heaven's telling you what's going on anyway, but still, it's interesting.

Is this an obvious opening for serious discussion on G-d's omniscience and foreknowing and man's free choice? Absolutely not. Firstly, it's way too late for such talk, and second of all, even if it was 9:30 PM and a riotous night of blogging stretched before me I wouldn't give it a moment's thought (besides for my probable listening to a Twins game at that point). No one comes here to read deep philosophical mumbo jumbo, and I certainly don't intend to write it. No, I'd much rather write about the approaching doom and impending horror that is Sefirah.

It's not so much the lack of Lipa Schmeltzer (besides for 51 precious seconds of Men Darf Behalten) but rather the hour of horrid Lev Tahor (in the interests of full disclosure, I loved Lev Tahor 2) and a similar amount of the Chevra (Lecha my guilty pleasure). I never heard the Miami Boys Choir music-less album, but I can't imagine it's much better. Who else? 613? No thanks. Kol Zimra is too modern-orthodoxy, and all the rest who I can't think of at the moment are I'm sure equally lacking in merit. No, for me it's Yosef Karduner and the Avraham-lead Frieds. (What's with all the hyphens and parentheses? You'll have to excuse me-must be the late hour).

Still, there are yet a few days of normal music, and I currently rejoice in the symphonic majesty of Truah L'Yisroel on Avraham Fried's Im Eshkocheich Yisroel. And did you know that MBD's Ich Hob Gevart was majesty itself? Yup, I've waited for too long...next year in Monsey!

Dear TRS: More advice for the massively massed masses

That's right folks, it's time for another exciting adventure with the TRS mailbag-and this time we actually have mail! Woohoo! Anyway, here goes:

Dear Sir:

I know that I'm not allowed to listen to non-Jewish music, so can I sing niggunim while I'm in the shower?

Sincerely,

Piously Pondering

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Dear Piously Pondering,

What are you talking about? Do you mean to say that all Jewish songs are niggunim? Or else only niggunim are Jewish music? Either way, I think that any holy music should be avoided whilst in the lavatory or its attendant functionaries. If you feel the need to sing, why not hum sung Avraham Fried tunes? Of course, if you feel the need for niggunim, there's always Breslov...

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Dear Sir:

There's a female friend of mine who rides the bus late at night in dangerous neighborhoods. What should I do to persuade her to cease this dangerous activity?

Sincerely,

No really, it's not me, it's my friend

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Dear No really, it's not me, it's my friend,

Tell your friend to get married and have her husband drive her around.

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Dear Sir:

I'm wondering which is more chassidish: to have your last chametz before Pesach be a hot cross bun from Breadsmith, or perhaps sushi from Byerlys?

Sincerely,

Insincere

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Dear Insincere,

Seeing as Byerlys hasn't made Kosher sushi the whole week it would appear that the better option would be the hot cross bun.

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Dear Sir:

Are you going to make another cheap joke at our glorious president's expense in order to wring some humor from this heretofore humorless exercise, or will you manage to restrain yourself?

Sincerely,

Avremel Shemtov

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Dear Avremel Shemtov,

Why was Barack Obama so desperate to become the President? So he could get free public housing!

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And a Kosher and most happy Pesach to you and yours.

Zev Katz live! (part 2)

Here's the second half of the Farbrengen last night with Rabbi Zev Katz. Again, this is only a rough draft. By the way, did you know that according to the Me'am Lo'ez there were 9,968,760,000 Jews in Egypt? That's nearly ten billion Jews! Keep in mind that the current earth population is about 6.7 billion. Yup. Thanks go to Dvora Lakein for bringing this little bit of info to her attention.

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In the early years a group of people from the Jewish federation came to the Rebbe, including Frank Lautenberg, the senator from New Jersey. They thought the Rebbe would ask them for money. What does any other rabbi do? The Rebbe didn't. He discussed education. At the end the senator said, "Rebbe, let's wrap it to, cut to the chase." The Rebbe said, "If tomorrow morning senator Lautenberg will wake up and look in the mirror and see a different senator Lautenberg, then we've accomplished something tonight. And if tomorrow morning he wakes up, looks in the mirror, and sees the same senator Lautenberg? We haven't accomplished anything tonight." 

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In a sicha on Shemini Atzeres 1967, the Rebbe related that in 1867 the Rebbe Maharash brought his kids into the sukkah on Shemini Atzeres to say goodbye, and told them that it was now a hundred years since the Maggid of Mezeritch told the Alter Rebbe that he was now going to see the Baal Shem Tov, even though the Baal Shem Tov had passed away seven years before. 

Why did the Alter Rebbe merit this? Because he was the Maggid's meshares, his personal attendant. The Alter Rebbe was only by the Maggid for 32 months out of 11 years, and yet he was the meshares. How? He was like Yehoshua, the meshares of Moshe. He was always by his Rebbe. Even though the Alter Rebbe was almost always physically not by the Maggid, but the way he lived his life.... The Baal Shem Tov appeared to him, because he was with the Maggid always. We too, we can also be by the Rebbe always. Yes, we need the Rebbe physically down here, but until then... We can still be connected to the Rebbe, still always be with him. 

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Who figured out that the Rebbe's birthday was on 11 Nissan? The Rebbe went in 1947 to pick up his mother from Paris, left in Adar, came back in Sivan. She told the chassidim in Paris when the Rebbe's birthday was. People then realized why the hayom yom for 11 nissan was what it was (about how to celebrate a birthday). The Rebbe farbrenged with chassidim who had just come out of Russia about hiskashrus. The Rebbe said, "How is it done? With maamad, regardless of financial standing or situation."

In 1951 the Rebbe said that people should write in hachlatos and he'll bring them to the ohel. He said that the hachlatos shouldn't be too difficult to keep; rather they should be practical things that a person knows he can fulfill.

In 1952 the Rebbe's fiftieth birthday, he said a maamar in his room for invited people only. Rabbi Chodakov got a list, that was all who could come. There was nothing after that until 1962, the Rebbe made a farbrengen, said two maamarim, and that was it until 1972, the Rebbe's seventieth year, which was when it became a big deal. In 1982, the eighteith year, the Rebbe told people not to come; after the farbrengen he gave out tanyas until 7:30 AM. 

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Meir Harlig tells a story that many years ago in 770 right before Pesach after Maariv 770 emptied out. Meir was still in 770 and the Rebbe came out of his office and told him to come into the Rebbe's office. He went in and the Rebbe gave him matzos and copies of the Rebbe's Pesach message. The Rebbe then told him to go to the airport, to Pan Am, and a well dressed Jew would come over to him and he should give him the matzos and messages. For the tirchah, the Rebbe said to take a matzah and a message for himself.  

And how will he go? By taxi. The Rebbe offered to pay, but he said he had money. The Rebbe said, "How will you get back?" Taxi. How will he pay? The Rebbe offered, again he says he has money. The Rebbe told him to report back once he finished. He did the shlichus, a well dressed Jew came over and asked for matzos from the Rebbe, he gave them, no discussion, and came back. Rabbi Chodakov said, "The Rebbe is waiting for you", he went in, and the Rebbe said, "You did your shlichus, I did mine, now Hashem should do his." 

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One of the top criminal attorneys in New York is a guy by the name of Brafman. He grew up in 778 Eastern Parkway, which used to be apartments but are now the apartments next to 770, and he played punchball there every day. He was alwas very careful not to hit the Rebbe, and eventually he developed a kesher. He recalls that he would say, "Hello Rebbe", and the Rebbe would give him a smile and he felt, "I'm the only person in the world who matters to the Lubavitcher Rebbe right now"

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Levi Yitzchak Freidan, an Israeli photographer, loved the Rebbe. He would take pictures in Tishrei, then go home to Israel and travel throughout Israel in the kibbutzim and show them the pictures of the Rebbe. He once went in to yechidus, right before kerias hatorah, and as soon as he came out he picked up his camera. The Rebbe came out for kerias hatorah, and pointed to him to take a picture of the time-it was 7:30 am. The rebbe had yechidus all night. And everyone said that the Rebbe would treat every person as if he was the first person in yechidus that night. 

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There's a Gerrer chassid in Israel, the Tolner Rebbe, very close to the Pnei Menachem (previous Gerrer Rebbe), who was very close to the Lubavitcher Rebbe. He once said, while visiting the US during the three weeks, that for me it's a double three weeks. 1. It's the three weeks. 2. (For whatever reason) I can't have yechidus by the Rebbe. 

By him this was as bad as the three weeks. Anyway, he said about the famous story of the chassid in the elevator with the Rebbe, told him lived in New Zealand, the Rebbe asked, "What about a mikveh there?" Many years later this chassid came for dollars, and the Rebbe asked him, without prompting, "Nu, what with the mikveh?" The Pnei Menachem said, "You see, the Rebbe saw what his soul needed! He needed to be involved in the mikveh in New Zealand." 

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The Maggid had a friend from before the Maggid came to the Baal Shem tov. This friend learned all day, and his wife ran a fabric shop. Every couple months he'd go to the market to buy cloth for his wife to sell. Some time later it worked out that he was near Mezeritch, so he popped in to see his older friend. He found him davening for a very long time. Eventually the Maggid ended, and the friend wondered, "I use the same kabbalistic kavanos, I do the same thing. What's with this incredibly long davening?" The Maggid said, "What do you do for a living?" He explained. The maggid said, "Why all the bittul Torah? Just use your imagination! You'll go to the market, you'll buy the cloth, why the need to actually go to the market?" The friend said, "Oh, you don't get it, I need the cash!" The maggid said, "So too here. You think the kavanos, but you're only imagining. I need to actually go get the merchandise, and it can take a long time." 

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Why did the Rebbe bother to tell the bochurim in 770 that would be five or ten minutes late to Mincha? Are the bochurim going to start mincha without the Rebbe? Every minute of a bochur is precious. They shouldn't waste their time-they should learn. 

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The Rebbe wanted the nigleh of the Nesiim to be special. When the bochurim would make mareh mikimos for their Friday night pilpul, the seven lights of the menorah, the Rebbe would get a copy. He would often add a mareh makom, and usually it was from the Torah of the Rebbeim. Because by the Rebbe that was very precious. 

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Chaim Shaul Brook told a story. He was very involved in the maamarim which were magiah by the Rebbe. The rule was, when the maamar was presented to the Rebbe it had to be ready for print. Even if the Rebbe changed things here and there, it had to be ready to print from the outset. R' Yoel, who would prepare the Maamarim, would sit for thirty hours with cigarettes and coffee and work straight. As long as there were no interuptions, he could work. After 1988 the Rebbe would be magiah late at night, then come into Gan Eden hatachton, put it on a table, and a bochur sitting there would take it and give it to the proper people. Once the rebbe returned a maamar with a big part crossed out and the Rebbe said that this was the opposite of pshat. R' Yoel looked at the original hanachah, and he remembered it, it was like he had written in the maamar that he had given in to the Rebbe. He didn't get what the issue was. 

What did it say? It said that a Jew can suffer, but since he knows Moshiach is coming he can still do Torah and mitzvos. R' Yoel didn't get what the problem was, so he sent in Rabbi Groner who asked the Rebbe. The Rebbe said, "How can you say that a Jew can suffer?! Things have to be good for him!"  

Ok, the Rebbe said it originally, but...

Zev Katz live! (part 1)

Rabbi Zev Katz came to Farbreng in beautiful S. Paul, MN, for the eleventh of Nissan. Here's a rough version of the first part of his remarks.

The Rebbe went to the ohel, before going he said he wanted to give out a dvar malchus. When it was time for the pamphlet to be given out Leibel Groner told Zev Katz to announce that the Dvar malchus was not ready for giving out, because it wasn't back from the binders. In fact the Dvar Malchus was ready but the Rebbe hadn't eaten that day, and the mazkiros didn't want him to have to stand up for another several hours, so they figured the Rebbe could go to his room for a sort while to rest a little and then give out the Dvar Malchus. And so it happened.

A few weeks later was the 50th anniversary of 28 Sivan. Everyone in 770 was ecstatic. Before the Rebbe went to the ohel he told those in charge of these things to arrange for another Dvar Malchus. After the Rebbe came back to 770, before Mincha, the Rebbe was stopped by some chassidim who wanted to give a brocha, and so they did. The Rebbe spoke a sicha, thanking the chassidim for their bracha, and after Mincha Leibel Groner again told Zev Katz to announce that there'd been a delay in the binding. 

(The Rebbe once told Zev Katz's father, also the gabbay in 770, on a Rebbe you don't have to have rachmonus, but it's overdone.)

After Zev katz made his announcement that the Dvar Malchus was not ready, the Rebbe told him, "It's a shame to make an interuption, better let's continue with what we left off." The Rebbe finished off the sicha, and the Dvar Malchus somehow showed up...
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By the Rebbe there were no breaks. There was no retirement.

Once the Rebbe came home and the Rebbitzen was siting on the back porch. The Rebbe sat down for a few minutes, then got up and said, "I was yotzeh dacha."
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The Rebbe never accepted any gashmius. A person once came with a beautiful silver pitcher to give to the Rebbe when he was giving out matzos. The Rebbe said, give it to one of my institutions.

The rebbe does accept some gifts. Gifts having to do with Torah and mitzvos.
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The Friediker Rebbe settled in Riga after being exiled from Russia, and a year later went to Warsaw where there was a lubav yeshiva, chassidim, etc.

When Zev Katz three years old he went to yechidus by the Friediker Rebbe with his father and grandfather. The Rebbe showed him his tzitzis, Zev was asked to identify them, and he did so, running over and kissing them. His grandfather, a poilishe yid, shook the rebbe's hand, but Zev's father didn't want his son doing the same. The Friediker Rebbe noticed, so the father said, "I want him to grow up to be a chassid." the Friediker Rebbe said, I hope so.
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Chatche Faigin once tried to stop a poilishe chassid, whose custom it is to shake a Rebbe's hand, from shaking the Friediker Rebbe's hand. The Friediker Rebbe said, a year ago when my life in danger all these Jews davened I should stay alive. I won't remain indebted to anyone.
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The Rebbe Rashab had a chassid who moved to Paris in 1905, which at that time was a big move, big change, etc. Paris was none too frum. The Rashab sent him a letter demanding that he do for yiddishkeit in Paris. The Friediker Rebbe knew this chassid and told his father, no way he's shayich for this! The Rashab told him, I want that this chossid should accomplish. 

The chassid needed time to respond to the letter, thought he couldn't do it.

A while later the Rashab went to Moscow with his son, and got his mail forwarded there. A letter from this chassid came, reporting his activities. He had arranged minyanim for the high holy days, and a weekly shiur in Torah ohr. More important than the shiur itself was the reminiscing about growing up. Being descendants of chassidim they rented a building for a shul and celebrated 19 Kislev properly. The rebbe was very proud, said chassidim have to do what they're told, if they do, then they get brachos. If not, then... Still in Moscow, the Rashab told his son to tell the "frozen" chassidim in Moscow about the goings on in Paris and try and inspire them.
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The Rebbe wrote a letter to the Friediker Rebbe in 1932 asking permission to publicize mofsim. The rebbe was talking about his father in law, but he was paskening on himself, how we should respond to them.
----
Rabbi Lau has a brother who was Israeli ambassador to the USA in the eighties, named Naftali Lavi, who kept in touch with the Rebbe. He once called up, and said that a certain person wanted to meet the Rebbe, but he couldn't even say who it was. Fine, they arranged a meeting for this high-ranking secret person a little while later. Efraim haLevi, head of Mossad, came that night, and reported that Tunis, the capital of Tunisia, was very dangerous for the Jewish population, and therefore it was the considered opinion of the state that every Jew should evacuate. Efraim went there to check it out, and they said, we're not leaving without our rabbi. Who was he? Rabbi Pinson, a shliach. He said, until told differently, I'm sent here by rebbe, I'm not going. Efraim came to New York and tried to convince the Rebbe to make the Jews leave...

The Rebbe said, who says Israel carries responsibility for the Jews in Tunis? It's my responsibility! And I say they're okay.

Years passed, Efraim HaLevi came to speak in the central synagogue in Sydney a year ago. He finished his speech, after telling this story, and said, who was right, me or the Rebbe? The rebbe!
------
There's a Jew in Boro Park, name of Moshe Wolfson, Rabbi of a big shul, Mashgiach Ruchni in Torah V'Daas, and a close connection with the Rebbe. He comes sometimes to the 19 Kislev farbie organized by Heichal Menachem, but always makes problems, whether he'll come or not, and even if comes. will he speak?

One year he was invited, and he said that normally he gives them a hard time (Leibel Altein and Yoel Kahn) but this time, he's willing to do anything, because he's a he's a baal chov, a debtor to the Rebbe.

A Lubavitcher came to a baalaboss of his, asked for a large sum, he consulted Wolfson, who said, if it has what to do with lubvitch, give. A while later it's erev rosh hashanah, wolfson comes to kivrei avos, his parents graves (in old Montefiore cemetery) and decides to also go to the ohel. Big line, but figures that they have what to do just like him, and if it's good for them it's good for him.

When he finally got into the Ohel he said, "Rebbe, when you needed me, I was there. Now, I need you. I have an older daughter, she needs a shidduch. Help her." He walked out.

Two hours before Rosh Hashanah (just a short while aftre this visit) a shadchan calls...it works out.

Wolfson says, what the Rebbe does for me...whatever I can do for you, it's nothing.
------
There's a Jew from Boro Park, goes to the ohel all the time, has incredible mofsim from the rebbe.

A while ago two girls asked him to mention them by the ohel for shidduchim. Two months passed, one girl gets engaged. From the other he never hears. Two years later he hears... nothing. He asks her for her name for ohel, and she says, "The first time, I didn't believe, I didn't give you my real name. But now I'm desperate..." She gives her real name. Two months later she gets engaged.

Shows you, when there's no emes, nothing happens.

And on the eleventh day...

In the first part of the month of Nissan it has become customary to recite the portions of the Torah which deal with the offerings of the Princes of the Twelve Tribes. The Prince for the 11th day of Nissan, the Rebbe's birthday, was from the tribe of Asher. The Medrash says that each tribe is named with the redemption and praise of Israel in mind. The Prince of Asher, Pagiel Ben Achran, brought his because of the Jew's choice of Hashem to be their L-rd, and Hashem's choice of the Jew's to be his special nation. The immediate question is that it's only possible to make a choice between two things which are either equal or at least comparable. Between Hashem and all other (false) gods, there can be no comparison, and the same goes for the Jew and the non-Jew, the reason for which you should consult Tanya, Chapter 49.

We can understand this by first prefacing with an explanation given by the Medrash on the verse, in Eicha 3, 24, "Hashem is my portion' says my soul, 'therefore I have hope in Him". The Medrash says that this is like the parable of a king who comes to a country, surrounded by his many ministers, and the populace of the country come out to greet him. One person there says, "I choose this minister to represent and help me," while another picks one of the satraps. A third man chooses one of the King's secretaries. There was one smart man present who said, "I choose the King, because all the others are temporary, but the King lasts forever." So too the nations of the world serve the sun, moon, stars, or constellations, but the Jewish people only serve Hashem. The question is, what's the genius involved in picking the King? Everyone knows a King is much greater than his employees. And what's the reason the wise man gives, that the King lasts forever? Even if the King is just as temporary as his ministers, he's still greater.

Back in the earliest generations, when man first began to serve false gods, the feeling was that it was necessary. Just like a person thanks and tips a waiter for bringing him food, even though the waiter obviously had no hand in the preparation of the food, one should thank the sun and the moon for giving him sustenance. The people thought that just like the waiter does have some choice whether to present the food or not (and after all, he could have spit in it), the moon and constellations have some say in the amount of G-dly sustenance they pass onto man. The mistake of these people was that they didn't realize that the heavenly bodies are only like an axe in the hand of a wood chopper, a tool made by G-d and directed solely by Him. The early idolaters thought that they could influence the celestial bodies to give them more than they were supposed to get.

From this mistake came an even greater one, the belief that Hashem had left the world in the hands of his creations and therefore they were the be-all and end-all of divine service. They thought that this situation was comparable to a King who appoints a governor to rule over a province, leaving it entirely except in times of great need.

Obviously this isn't true, and Hashem continues to sustain the world in exactly the same manner as when he first created it 5769 years ago. It takes the wisdom of the Jewish people to know this, and therefore they don't serve the false gods, who only appear to run things, but rather worship the one true G-d.

There is only one problem with this explanation. The parable presented by the Medrash features ministers who have free choice, and therefore choosing them does positively impact the benefit they give out. We can therefore understand that service of the King itself, rather than the results it brings, is what the wise man seeks. From this we can understand in real life, that the reason the nations of the world worship the sun and stars is not because of their mistake, but because they would rather have physical benefits than serve G-d. There are two advantages to idol worship over G-d worship. The first is that the benefits provided by the idols is not dependent on self-nullification, and the second is that the benefit itself is greater than that received from choosing to benefit solely from the side of holiness.

In the desert the Israelites complained that they ate for free in Egypt; what they were saying is that their physical sustenance came without any corresponding spiritual struggle. The side of holiness only allows for benefit when the right thing is done, and even then it only gives according to a person's work. Kelipos get their life-force from a source above nature, where there are no barriers, and therefore they can provide virtually unlimited sustenance.

According to this explanation, the greatness of the Jew is that he declines to associate himself with the forces of darkness and instead chooses Hashem, even though this means he must work hard for less.

The wise man's reason for choosing the King and not the ministers is because the ministers are only temporary while the King lasts forever. What does this mean? The benefits which accrue to those who align themselves with the forces of darkness, even if these benefits are greater than those available to holiness seekers, are only temporary. After Moshiach comes, and evil ceases to exist, all the G-dly sparks which were contained within that evil will cease to exist. In addition, the benefits for those who choose the side of good will be much greater (after the coming of the Messiah) then ever went to evil-doers in the pre-Messianic age. This is expressed in the Talmudic saying, "If so much goes to those who go against His will, how much more will go to those who follow Him."

This explanation is not sufficient, however, because it implies that the only reason the wise man chooses the King is because he is smart and has figured out that with patience he'll have increased shtuff. This is problematic, because the Medrash implies that the Jewish people choose their King because of their soul, because of the greatness of serving the King, not because of the material benefits associated with that service. Instead, the Jew chooses Hashem because the great physical bounty which goes to the sinner is not given with Hashem's full will, as it were, but rather as a man throws a gift to his enemy behind his back, with disgust. Hashem gives the Jew because he wants to give the Jew, and the Jew takes this, because he wants to receive what Hashem desires to give. The benefits to those who go against His will are not everlasting, and therefore they don't have a true existence even when they are present.

Where does this benefit come from? It's siphoned of from Kedusha, from holiness, and this is the only way it exists. Since that Holiness with them is exiled, as it were, they (the Kelipos) are actually dead. The people who draw from them are also called dead, as it says in Talmud, that wicked men are called dead even while they're alive, because (as it says in Tanya) their life source is death. When a person chooses the King, he chooses life, not death, holiness, not impurity.

This explanation is still not sufficient, because at the end of the day the wise man is still making his choice based on his intellect, and the Medrash seems to be saying that his soul, which is above intellect, is making this choice. In short, the nature of man is to choose whichever path will bring him the most wealth, happiness, peace, or anything and everything good. This nature is what causes the nations of the world to worship their false gods, because they acknowledge only themselves, and therefore choose only that which benefits them. A Jew, on the other hand, because of his divine soul, is able to look beyond himself and choose to worship Hashem, even though he will get (at this point in time) less benefit, because G-dliness is truth, and his soul chooses to align itself with that truth.

In sif zayin the Rebbe brings a mashal from the siddur im da"ch of a king who makes a big expensive feast for his important ministers and honored servants. The leftovers from this mammoth endeavor go to the lowly maid/servants and even to the dogs of the palace. Certainly the king did not make the feast for these people and for his animals, and yet it's very possible that they get even more food than the people who the feast was made for! After all, the king's very important guests only receive the best of the best, and anything that's not perfect is thrown to the masses.

The Rebbe explains every aspect of this mashal , starting with the people who eat of the feast's bounty. First you have the dogs, who run under the tables and get the bones thrown there. The word in Hebrew for dog is "kalev", and this is interpreted as "Kulo Lev", all heart, because a dog is rules solely by his heart, by desires. A person's intellect naturally controls his heart, and some peoples' heart controls their mind, but to negate the mind totally and listen only to one's desires? This person is like a dog.

And you know what? They're treated like one too. Sure, they get all those juicy bones, but they're missing the meat! I think the maamar is talking about a cultural Jew here, someone who loves Judaism not because he believes in it but because it has great kiddushes after davening and the the dancing on Simchas Torah is a lot of fun. The only mitzvos this person keeps is those he enjoys, which provide him with pleasure. Now certainly it's better to do a little than nothing, but to be ruled solely by your desires? What kind of life is that?

The second level of people is the lowly maid/servants. They serve the king only because they're scared of getting hit by him, not because they understand or care. What kinds of Jews are these? The ones who keep Judaism only because of kabbalos ol.

I never used to understand why this level was referred to as "lowly". After all, doesn't chassidus extol at length the greatness of a Jew who serves his creator with kabbalos ol, acceptance of the yoke of heaven? The Rebbe answers this in the maamar, "d'avda b'hefkeira neicha lei." These people would much rather not serve the king.

What kind of people are we talking about? Those who were never taught why we do things, only what to do. Sure, many of them do things for a while, but as soon as they lose their fear, they're gone! They don't have any other reason to connect themselves to Judaism, so they leave. And whose fault is it? Obviously every person is responsible for their own actions, but really, where were their parents and teachers, who should have imbued them with a love and understanding of yiddishkeit? They failed. These people don't get to sit by the king's table, because they don't want to. They don't appreciate their Jewish heritage.

So what is the purpose of kabbalos ol? After all, from here you might think that it's worthless. In reality, kabbalos ol is very important, but only in the right circumstances. When you're dealing with an eight year old, you don't explain everything you tell him to do. But when you're dealing with a fourteen year old, if he doesn't understand (at his level) why he has to do something, then he's not going to do it. Even when dealing with a kid who has kabbalos ol, you only have a limited amount of time to rely on this blind acceptance. Unless you explain in a way he can understand why you're telling him to do things, he will give them up. Some people can rely on their kabbalos ol for years and years, but at some point, without a reason for their faith, they'll give it up. Or their kids will.

When is kabbalos ol a good thing? When a person has a crisis of faith, or a difficult time doing things, or doesn't yet understand, then it's a very good thing. But to base your entire Judaism on it? That Judaism won't last. And even if it does, it's a lowly Judaism, based on fear or habit, not on feeling or appreciation.

The great servants, in contrast to their lowly counterparts, serve the king not only with kabbalos ol (after all, they still must sublimate their will to his), but also with appreciation for the king. They might not understand why they're doing things, for after all, who can understand the will of Hashem, but they want to do what he wants. And why do they want this? Because they understand the greatness of the king. This type of person has a seat at the feast, he's steadfast in his Judaism, but he's not the ultimate. It seems to me that this level is that of the beinoni, or that of the person who wants to be, is capable of being, a beinoni (all of us). He struggles with his yetzer hora all his life, but that's because he wants to struggle, he wants to connect to and serve the king.

The ministers of the king serve him because they understand his ways, which is why many of the affairs of the kingdom are conducted through and by them. Even more than that, these ministers decide policy, because they know what the king wants done. This level is, I believe, the level of a tzaddik, who walks in the ways of his G-d.

There are many levels within this classification, which in general can be divided into two, ministers and great ministers, which I think represents tzaddik she'aino gamur and tzaddik gamur. These three general levels of people who sit at the king's table are all secure in their Judaism, with an intellectual and emotional basis for their belief and a desire to serve their G-d. Sure, they still struggle, and sure, life is hard, but with the proper foundation a house will survive the strongest earthquake, with the proper roots a tree will withstand the most powerful winds.

With this mashal we can now understand the greatness of the pekeach, the smart man, who chooses the king... in brief, a person could strive to be like the great servants or ministers, to become a beinoni or tzaddik, or like the Rebbe says, reach for the highest levels of atzilus. But if he does this then he's missing the point. The point is anah nesiv malkah-I choose the king! It's tough all right, believe you me, but it's the only true way of serving Hashem.

In the analog, the lowly servants represent the seventy guardian angels of the seventy nations, while the servants and ministers that the King serves at his table are holy angels who do G-d's will, the highest emanations of holiness, who are always with the King.

We can now understand the greatness of the Jewish people. That they don't want to receive anything like dogs or servants is obvious, but their refusal to deal with anyone but the King, in place of his highest and most trust-worthy ministers, is admirable. This is comparable to a person who visits a King, and passes through chamber after chamber, each filled with more treasure than the previous one, until he gets to the last chamber, which is more incredible than anything any man has ever imagined. Many people will stop at this last chamber, because they're filled with awe; only the true smart man will pass by and go to meet the King, because only the true smart man is filled with the desire, not to see the King's wealth, but rather the King himself.

This is what the Alter Rebbe said, "I don't want your Garden of Eden, I don't want your World to Come, I want you alone." The Alter Rebbe certainly knew how great these levels were, and in fact he had a greater knowledge of them than most people. And the highest levels don't hide G-d, rather they transmit his rays. And yet he only wants Hashem. This is why the Alter Rebbe specifically said, "Your Garden of Eden, Your World to Come", because even though they are Hashem's, he still wants only Hashem.

These two explanations of "I choose the King", that a person doesn't want even the highest spiritual emanations, but only G-d himself, and the simple meaning, that a person only serves Hashem and not idols, have a connection. The Garden of Eden is great, because it's an incredible spiritual experience, basking in the rays of divine glory. When Hashem himself is chosen though, it leads to complete nullification. If a person makes a mistake and chooses to bask, choosing pleasure in front of truth, then it can lead to a person choosing to worship false gods. He might even come to that these false gods have free choice. Idol worshipers thought that there was something to be gained from serving the sun and stars; choosing anything but Hashem, even his greatest spiritual worlds, is the same thing.

Even is someone wants the Garden of Eden specifically because it's Hashem's there is a problem, because he can come to think that Hashem gave it, or anything in the world, power to choose who to help, as was explained above. A Jew has to know that everything in the world comes only from Hashem.

The main mistake people make in serving idols is that they confuse something which is only a tool for the master. The sun and moon provide benefit for the world, but they have no choice in the matter. The benefit gotten is also mistaken. The physical world is not an ends, but rather only a means with which to serve Hashem. That's why some people choose to worship false gods, because they think that physicality is primary, and therefore they spend their lives trying to accumulate as much of it as possible. The same thing is worth the highest spiritual worlds; they too are only a means to an end, and choosing them is the first step on a slippery path to idol worship.

The source of gentiles is in the "outer will"; they only exist for another reason. They don't realize this, and think that they are the reason for existence, and from this comes the thought that whatever brings the most physical benefit also has the free choice to dispense that benefit. Jews, on the other hand, are the primary purpose of creation, and they therefore recognize that they should serve the primary, Hashem.

The Jewish people serve Hashem because of their souls and because of their intellect. The soul sees that it's source is in the inner will, that it is the purpose for which the world was created, and that affects the brain, that it too should be able to understand. From the intellect the choice in Hashem will permeate every thought, word, and action, causing a Jew to truly be a G-dly person.

King David asks Hashem in Psalm 70 to remember him. This can be explained with a parable. There was once a King who got angry at his flock of sheep (don't ask) and sent them away. At the same time he destroyed their enclosure and fired the shepherd. Later the King was reconciled toward his sheep, and brought them back. He also rebuilt their home. The shepherd wondered what was going on, and asked the King, "Hey, why haven't you rehired me?" So too David asks Hashem, from the end of Psalm 69, "You have remembered Zion and and rebuilt Judah (end of the aforementioned Psalm 69), but I have not been brought back?" Therefore David asks Hashem at the beginning of Psalm 70 to be remembered. The question is, if the King remembered the sheep, why didn't he remember their shepherd? The answer is that a person can have everything but still lack the main thing, which is a revelation of G-d. The purpose of the King is to teach Torah, and since the Torah as we have it now is nothing compared to the Torah of Moshiach, David asks Hashem to let him shepherd the Jews in this infinitely higher way.

Now we can explain the Jew's choice of Hashem and Hashem's choice of the Jews, that Hashem chooses the Jews because they are the purpose of creation, and this leads to the Jews choosing Hashem, because they recognize the truth. A Jew wants Hashem, to the exclusion of all else. Whatever Hashem wants, the Jew also wants. Since the whole purpose of creation is to make a dwelling place down here for Hashem, that is also the Jew's goal. Hashem gives physicality, and the Jew turns it into spirituality, and this will be fulfilled with the coming of Moshiach, speedily in our days, Amen.

Caution: Heavy-handed allegory ahead

Tonight I was finishing lining the fridge (those Reynolds foil people must make a killing come Pesach time) and I found myself lining the outside of a drawer. I realized why I was doing this-so that other people should see that I had lined the drawer. And it hit me-this is exactly what Pesach is not about! Pesach is about changing ourselves, revealing our inner soul powers, focusing on the chametz we have in our personality and getting rid of it. Pesach is not about fooling others, even if we can. It may not look as pretty, but the truth is worth it.

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OK, now that we've gotten that miserable little real-life moshol behind us, the question becomes, "What else?" Maybe nothing? But that would be boring. And intelligent. Yup, boring I go for. Oy.

BREAKING NEWS! IMPORTANT!

From Yossi, a bochur in Lubavitch:

Correction

I was at fault for helping to spread a false rumor that this year's Birkas HaChama is only the third time in Jewish history that it occurs on Erev Pesach, and the first two were Yetzias Metzrayim and Purim.
That is incorrect.
Yetzias Metzrayim and Purim weren't even years of Birkas HaChama, and in the past 1500 or so years, this will actually be the 5th time it occurs on Erev Pesach.
What is interesting is that this is the last time ever, until Moshiach comes, that it will be Erev Pesach (this is true even if chas v'shalom moshiach doesn't come until the year 6000)

The Rhythm of Feet

Despite last night's incredible feedback on the Joshua story (or maybe because of it) I think I'll publish another. That's right, I'm busy as a bee cleaning for Pesach and learning how to drive a manual, so your reading pleasure will have to consist of the following. Enjoy:

G. Mantle

60th Anniversary of American landing on Guam

Joshua 14:

 

The Rhythm of Feet

 

“(Singing) The count came down to sing a song, Doo Da, Doo Da, he threw his gauntlets on a bong, Doo Da, Doo Da, Day, The count did this, the count did that, gonna make my money on the betting tracks, He claims to have done it his way!”

“You’re very happy, Joshua.”

“Who, me?”

“Yes, sort of jolly.”

“No, I’m not, really, haven’t been happy for years.”

“Oh, happy to hear it.”

“My pleasure.”

“So then why were you just singing there?”

“Well, a man’s gotta sing to get through the day, hasn’t he?”

“Shut up.”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“And you heard me.”

“That’s very witty.”

“Oh, it was meant to be.”

“Glad to hear it.”

“Shut up.”

“You’ve said that already.”

“And I’ll say it again if you don’t follow it.”

“And why should I?”

“Because I said so.”

“And why should I listen to you?”

“Because of this.”

“Oh. Interesting. Well then, mums the word and all that.”

“Good. Now listen to me, and listen close.”

“This is all rather pretentious, isn’t it?”

“Did I or did I not hear you say that you had finished speaking?”

“Carry on.”

“Whether this is pretentious or not is not the question. The point is that,”

“Actually, I find this to be quite ridiculous.”

“Do you want me to use this?”

“Quite.”

“I am prepared to let you live your wonderful little life with your wonderful little worries and your wonderful little cares and your wonderful little joys and your wonderful little sorrows and all the wonderful little things that make up a wonderful little life like yours.”

“Many thanks.”

“So glad that I could be of service.”

“And how exactly do you want me to help you?”

“Well Joshua, if you would just do me one slight favor.”

“What’s that?”

“Oh, it’s very simple. What I want you to do is to take this and run with it.”

“And will that benefit my wonderful little life.”

“Definitely. If you don’t take this then your wonderful little life might very possibly end prematurely. Most prematurely I might say.”

“And if I do take this the same might happen?”

“Very true, it could. But wouldn’t you rather have two birds around the bush than one in the coop?”

“I’m not sure if the saying goes quite like that;”

“I’m sure you get the point though.”

“Oh, of course.”

“So what’ll it be?”

“Doesn’t look like I have much choice, huh?”

“No, it doesn’t look like you do.”

“All right, I’ll do it.”

“Good, here it is.”

“You’ll take care of my family, won’t you?”
“Of course I will, don’t you worry about that. Uncle Sam’s got you covered there.”

“I’m sure it’s a great comfort.”

“Well, off you go, and if you do meet up with trouble, just remember that you’ve always got a friend in me.”

(1959)

“Had a good trip Joshua?”

“Yes thank you, I did. Most enjoyable.”

“And how’s your sister doing?”

“What sister?”

“You know, your sister.”

“My sister? I haven’t got a sister.”

“Sure you do. What’s come over you all of a sudden?”

“Oh, my sister. Yes, he’s doing fine.”

“Oh he is? That’s good.”

“And how’s Uncle Sam?”

“Dead.”

“Too bad.”

“Yes, it is, isn’t it?”

“Did he ever say anything about me before he died?”

“Only that you were to visit his grave once you came in.”

“Did he say why?”

“I couldn’t quite say.”

“All right, I’ll do it.”

Joshua does it.

“So how did it go, Joshua?”

“Oh, all right, I guess.”

“You going to return it now?”

“Sure, here it is.”

“Thank you. You’re going to do some exercise now?”

“No, I’ve done enough running for one lifetime.”

“All right, bye.”

Joshua walks home.

“When I wake up in the morning, and I’m sitting in my bed, do I cry out for the world to hear, that really I’m not dead?

Do I come out in the evening all dressed up to the nines, do I walk into the forest, amongst the greenery of the Pines?

Oh no, of course not, that’s just not what I do, because I know the truth, about me, about you; everybody sing it, to the left and to the right, for the whole world knows the truth, that I’m in it for the fight!”

“Singing again, Joshua?”

“Hey, I thought you were dead?”

“Appearances can be deceiving.”

“Yes, that can be, can’t they.”

“So you enjoyed your, um, running?”

“Oh yes, very much, Uncle Sam.”

“I’m your Uncle now?”

“If I have a sister, then you sure are.”

“Oh, how convenient. Well, never let it be said that I’m not a good uncle.”

“Of course not. Such an idea never crossed my mind. In fact, I would hurt anyone who could possibly consider letting the slightest doubt pass into their obviously deficient psyche that you were not in every sense of the word the greatest uncle that this great country had, has, or will ever produce. I would slug them for such an occurrence, don’t you worry about it.”

“Glad to hear that you’re so eager to please.”

“You know me, always at your service.”

“Feel like doing some more running?”

 

 

The End