Kicking!

In wonder and amazement the cry comes up, "Could it be? Is it possible? Does TRS blog?" In answer to these questions I have but one word: Salaam. Yes, I am back, and better than ever, chiefly because my brain is crammed full of fascinating shtuff, chiefly regarding Siman 87 in Yoreh Deah, but also featuring a respectable amount of this week's Torah Ohr. That is correct, I can honestly say that I've been shteiging away in Morristown. Now I can understand that some of you out there are getting scared, and thinking that the TRS you have known and loved is slipping away. Well, fear not friends, because even though I'm taking this year seriously, I'm still the fun-loving (sometimes anyway), cynical (if it suits me), anti-authority (oh? I'm the authority now? well...), mustard-loving blogger that I've always been.
So how is Morristown going? Honestly, it's great. I know that in about three weeks I'll be really frustrated with Smicha, and that in three months I'll be really frustrated with Smicha, and in three years I'll wonder what the whole production was, but for now, I'm satisfied. Of course, some people aren't too happy. My friend Yossi, for example, is peeved that he was told to replace his patterned Yarmulkeh with a boring blue one. "The Rosh was OK with it! Wilshanski was OK with it! What's his problem!" I'm not empathizing as much as I should be, I know. If I was told to discard my beloved ches nun " nun Yarmulkeh I would also be peeved. Of course, that would give me an opportunity to try out my latest design- ches, ches " nun, ches nun " nun. If you don't get it than it's probably just as well. Still, I'm trying to figure out where I should be from? From Uman I know I'm not. Hmm...well, I was born in Boston, maybe that would work!

Moving right along, shall we? We're just days before the election, and it seems that everyone is desperate for it to be over, even the mainstream media who are the ones responsible for this whole mess in the first place. Funny thing, these mainstream media. The conservatives are convinced that they're out to get them, the liberals are convinced that they're out to get them, and the media are convinced that they're out to get them. Some people are convinced of Obama's essentially bad politics, while others believe that Mccain has the prowess of a monkey flying around in a post-prandial illusion brought on by one too many victimless crimes.
The truth, of course, is that everyone is missing out on the really important point. If I was interested in spreading my name far and wide, then I would find some completely irrelevant point and proclaim that IT was what really counted, and thereby make my fortune and ensure my everlasting talking-headedness. As it is, I, like everybody else, have no idea what the really important point is; the difference is, I'm honest enough to say so. And what are we left with then? Not a whole heck of a lot. One side will win, the other will lose, some things will change, others won't.
Rabbi Chaim Schapiro, who heads the Smicha pogrom (CH"V!) in Morristown, is always telling us that we have to look at the big picture. Guess what? If you look at the big picture, people will be born, people will die, and at the end, all you have left are your good deeds. So in the big picture, it really doesn't matter what happens.

Certainly it is very vital that the right thing happens. The right thing in this case is the right person. It is extremely important that the right person wins this job. Which job? The right job. Because if the wrong person wins the right job, or vice-versa, the results will be catastrophic to say the least. Why is it so important that the right person win the right job? Because the right people said so. You know, if the right people know so much, why don't they run for President? Why do they only criticise others? Do they know something the rest of us don't? But getting back to the important news... Oh yes, so as I was saying, it's very important that all the right things happen. If they don't, then who knows what will happen?

Minor annoyances

It often happens that I'll sit down to blog at midnight (or somewhen) and I have no idea what to write, even though throughout the day I had many good ideas, simply because I've forgotten them. Tonight however there is no worry of that, if only because I'm supposed to be packing for New York, and then Morristown. I'm taking a little time off that because it's quickly becoming a very annoying process. How is it that I'm paying forty dollars so that I can put two bags underneath the airplane, and I can't fit everything in? Is this normal? And it's not like I'm bringing crazy stuff either. It's just clothing!

Ruminations

I knew something was wrong the moment I walked into the door, and realized what it was as I chanted Havdala tonight. The problem was that I didn't have a hang-over, and I didn't plunge immediately into bed upon coming home. What kind of Simchas Torah is it where I can make Kiddush on Mahke three times and never feel the effects once? What is the world coming to?

Still, basically, Simchas Torah wasn't too bad at all. It wasn't quite as inspiring as it has been in previous years. There was no great Farbrengen which brought the gathered throngs to instant repentance, nor any pithy wisdom which could reduce the most inebriated baalaboss to tears in nary a moment. Sure, it's great to hear local exalted figures belittle themselves and say, "I'm so full of #$%&" over and over again, with innovative invective at every turn, but after a while it begins to wear. "All right," I wanted to say, "I can accept that you are full of it. In fact, I'm convinced. But can you stop focusing on your own shortcomings for a little while and try to actually accomplish something?"
This reminds me of the old joke, where a Rabbi on Yom Kippur gets so inspired that he cries out, "Oh G-d, I am nothing!" The chazzan, not to be outdone, follows suit with, "Oh L-rd, I truly am nothing!" The gabbai doesn't wish to be left out of the fun, and he too screams out, "Oh G-d, I am nothing!" The Rabbi turns to the chazzan and says, "Huh, look who thinks he's a nothing."
Yeah sure, we're really proud of you that once a year you pretend that you recognize your own shortcomings, but hello? Does anyone really care? We all know that we're a bunch of morons, and most of us are drunk enough to think that we want to change. And what happens instead? We end of eating crackers and salsa (the chips were all stale-for shame!) and drinking Cherry Coke Zero because no one can come up with anything intelligent to say.

Of course there were some nice things about Simchas Torah this year. We danced with the scrolls, made Kiddush, screamed at each other, got annoyed by hordes of little brats who seem intent on ruining as many lives as possible. And what was the whole point of this exercise? That our kids should stay frum. All right, I don't have any kids. And if I did I would certainly object to them being called brats. Be that as it may, why do we have this whole shindig? You think we do it for out health? Have you seen the state of our liver?
No, we make this whole production because we want our kids to stay frum. All right, so we enjoy it too, but that's only a fringe benefit. And sometimes it can be even more annoying to write royally than it is to read it. And pretentious too.
That's a problem. I hate sounding pretentious, and I know that in the past I've failed miserably in this regard. Who am I to tell anyone else to do anything? Of course, this attitude can have negative consequences. Last night someone asked me why they should go to a Lubavitch BT Yeshiva versus any other BT Yeshiva. I told him that he should go to a Lubavitch institution because we're better. This was of course after I had made Kiddush. I then proceeded to tell him that of course every Jew thinks that his Judaism is better. So what's the difference? We know we're better. Except that everyone knows they're better. So what's the difference? We learn Chassidus. So does Breslov. We learn Chabad Chassidus, plus we're not always high. Who says Chabad Chassidus is the way to go? We do. And they say that Breslov Chassidus is the way to go. Plus they're always high.
Fine, but at the very least we're far superior to Misnagdim. After all, we learn Chassidus, and they learn Mussar. Of course, a Misnaged will tell you that this is exactly the reason why his way is better. And how about the modern orthodox? At least we're not Judaism-lite, right? Ahh, but the MO will tell you that the only way for a Jew to be successful is to integrate himself into the world. And that way is the best.

Perhaps, at the end of the post, the only thing to do is to quote Rashi (which I will now fail to do) in today's Chitas, when he says that at the end of the day, all the Jewish people are blessed, and they're all wonderful, etc. etc. etc.
Isn't it nice to be able to clothe a lack of strong moral value in a cloak of Judaism? And if this can be said of Jews, why not invite the whole world into the mix? Why can't the whole world, devoid of malice and money, just be friends?
If you think I'm pandering to the Obama camp, trying to avoid being one of the first against the wall when the revolution comes, then...

By your leave

So here I am, home from a marathon Devarim/Tehillim session. It's Hoshana Rabba, the last time for us to repent for our numerous sins. Of course, you can do it on Shemini Atzeres and Simchas Torah too, but it's not quite as fun. What could possibly be better than hitting willow branches on the floor? Of course, there is a lot to be said for making Kiddush, but most of it is better said after Kiddush is made, and since that won't be happening over here for a couple hours yet, you're out of luck. Not to worry, because what's coming up is almost as good.

That is, nothing. Long and bitter experience has taught me that in many cases, the very best thing that can possibly be said is nothing. It is almost never necessary to have the final word, and usually, it would have been much better to have no word at all. And with these words of wholly unoriginal wisdom, I'll leave you be.

Joe TRS

Barack Obama comes to Joe TRS' door, and Joe TRS says, "Hey, Mr. Obama, under you, my taxes will stay in the exact same place!" Obama says, "Well, ain't that dandy?" Joe TRS says, "But still, I have to think of some reason why you're bad." Barack says, "Shoot." Joe TRS pulls out his shotgun, but the secret service stops him before he can do anything. At the trial the judge asks Joe TRS, "Why did you try and shoot the President?" Joe TRS responds, "I didn't! All I did was pull out a gun! Since when is that illegal?" The judge tells him that it is. Joe TRS wonders if the second amendment has ceased to be. The judge tells him that it doesn't apply in this situation. Joe TRS is saved when he's pardoned by the President. Or so they say.

TRS-The Simchas Beis Hashoeva Edition

Here in beautiful TRSville , where the stock markets never crash and the cows never cease to give milk, Simchas Beis Hashoevah (hereafter forever known as SBH) is quite the joyous occasion. All the notables of the town get together in the Sukkah of one or another, make a blessing on the food, the drink, and the tabernacle, and then rapse gloriously on the joys of religious servitude. After they've done that for, oh, thirteen seconds, they begin to talk about slightly more interesting things. One member of our little congregation enlightened us most tremendously on fifteen uses for superglue that are not explicitly mentioned on the tube, while another told us about his new book, "Chalomos fun Tatten". Of course, in these troubled times, when every American fears for all that is right and good, there are two topics, inextricably intertwined, that all SBHs eventually come to: the election/the economy.

But, as you may have figured out by now, I'm bored sick of both of these. Instead I'll deal with a topic that came up in Adath Israel Synagogue's annual Pizza in the Hut celebration and convocation, emphasis on the latter. I was talking with our local holy man, and he mentioned his disgust with the present situation; the present situation, in this case, is the shocking lack of Tznius that he sees in our fair city. I commended his holiness, but also represented to him that if our fair city was indeed in the throes of a most shocking decline in spiritual valuation, then we probably weren't doing too badly. He asked me if this was what we had come to, that we were satisfied with, "Oh, it's not too bad-it's much worse in other places." I didn't really have a response to that. What am I supposed to say?

After thinking about this for a good two minutes I realized a couple of things. A. It's a topic that deserves a lot of attention. B. It's something I can blog about. Woohoo!
There's an old Peanuts where Linus is happy with a C+, and Charlie Brown is berating him, "Is this the way we can succeed? What would the world look like if people settled for a C+?" Linus answers, "What does the world look like?"
Anyway, it's far too late in the night to answer these questions, and anyway, I'm not in a philosophical turn tonight. Besides, is there an answer? Should we simply strive for the greatest heights and console ourselves with mediocre accomplishments? Anyway, I will relate an amusing anecdote and with that bid you my fond farewells.
Tonight I chatted with a couple of friends on Gmail. In one chat I defended John Mccain and Sarah Palin, saying that they are G-d's own messengers, sent to save our planet from a doom worse than the most infernal hell Dante could have imagined. In the other chat I defended Barack Obama and Joe Biden, saying that they are G-d's own messengers, sent to save our planet from a doom worse than the most infernal hell Dante could have imagined. Does this mean that there is something right with me?

Poetical jaunts

T'was the night before Sukkos, not a creature was stirring,
except for this annoying midge on my screen, that I'm too kind to kill
the sukkah was built,
the schach set upon it,
the lulav and esrog waiting to be picked up four minutes before Yom Tov.

T'was the night before Sukkos, the clouds gathering above
thunderstorms predicted for tomorrow,
that's why the sukkah was put up today.
Of course, I have to help build some other sukkahs tomorrow
so I'll still get wet (probably).

Twas the night before Sukkos, and I'm blogging away
trying to think of words to rhyme,
and sound epithets to carry the day.
No one will mind then,
if I close up shop now,
return to prose,
that greatest cash cow
(what?)

In other news, I'm happy to clear up the possible confusion that resulted from last night's post. The fact of the matter is, a well respected member of my Shul made a scarily accurate prediction on Shabbos, and he desires this fact to be known in the wider community. He would also like to inform my general readership that the Kiddush this past Shabbos was indeed shoddily planned and haphazardly executed. The truth, in this case, was as terrible to behold as the food was to eat.

And now I suppose I have to leave you all with some final words before the '69 edition of the Feast of Tabernacles commences. As Rabbi Gershon Grossbaum said on Shabbos, "Don't arrange some guys who Farbreng until 2 every night, wake up at 12, Daven until 3, go on Mivtzoyim at 4:30, and are done by 5."

Why bother?

Humanity as a whole is a rather unwieldy group. There's so much homogeny, with just the right amount of insanity to make everyone appear uniquely qualified. Are we not assured that every member of our race is good for something? What then are we to think when we realize the futility of it all, the brain-deadening actualization of our worst fears, the acknowledgment of a complete lack of forethought on the part of so many people when they first began to birth.
In a nutshell, wouldn't we be better off without, oh, ninety seven percent of the world's population? That would still leave us with many millions, and with the right mix, I'm sure there'd be a little bit of everything needed for any planet to function in a relatively reasonable manner. It could surely be no worse than the way it's functioning now. Yes, I understand that some people would object to their friends and relatives being taken away, but they would soon come to understand the absolute necessity of the undertaking; if they didn't, they'd be taken away too.
Now, I'm not proposing just any run of the mill new world order here, no garden-variety brave new world for me. No, what we have here is a brilliant new solution to the world's problems. We all know that the economy is in shambles, that the war in Iraq is stretching on interminably, that major riots are threatened for November 6th; the question is, how can we solve this problem? I believe, and as your new leader I hope to achieve, a new and equitable solution for all peoples.
Some may scoff at my ideas, and others may wonder at my lack of planning. "How," they wonder, "is the dear boy to accomplish his stated goals, of ridding the world of all that ails it, if he can't even craft a sentence properly?" People who ask these impertinent sorts of questions will of course be among the first against the wall when the revolution comes. Still, their questions are valid, and will doubtlessly be answered someday.

All the above was originally meant to be a rant against people that I currently dislike, but I felt bad about cursing them out, and instead settled for some insipid hash. Fortunately, I have the old stalwart, the economy, to keep me going strong. For what seemed like the tenth Shabbos in a row, all people could talk about was how badly their stocks were performing. It's like, "Hello!" Can't anyone think of anything better to talk about? Like how the Kiddush this week was pathetic (and it was), or how certain people's predictions about certain ecclesiastical figures were right on the money? The former was (probably) not the fault of the sponsoring side, but the latter certainly was.
And thus does a thorough waste of time conclude.

Introspection follows

A report has reached TRS that when the tenth man came to the Minyan this morning, the Rabbi said, "The tenth man is called a 'tsenter'. The eleventh is called the 'Pisher'. Why? Because before he comes, no one can go to the bathroom." Cute, no?

It appears that our Yom Kippur prayers were successful. How do I know? Let's just call it manly intuition. I understand that some people might be skeptical of my claims of special powers, and even more skeptical of my writing anything worthwhile reading. Well, let me be the first, and possibly the only, one to assure you that in fact a particularly scintillating post will be forthcoming. Some day. I feel like a music producer, telling his adoring public that the new CD will be out by Chanuka-no, Tu B'Shvat, I guarantee it-Purim at the very latest-did Pesach really just make that whooshing sound?-Lag B'omer, or the price goes down by a dollar-unavoidable delays, out by Shavuos-will Elul do?-joy, it's here! Sukkos!-sorry that the quality is so low, we were rushing it-next one will be far superior, out in six months.

In other news, it was nice to go on Drudge tonight and see that the market again lost lots of people lots of money. I'm finally beginning to be sobered by all this money shtuff. Seems to me that when TRS starts taking things seriously, you know that life is pretty bad. For example, this Yom Kippur, I only really took one prayer seriously. Yes, of course I Davened everything, and quite nicely too (If I do say so myself), but only one was my heart really in it. Unesaneh Tokef is truly an awesome prayer, but so are all the others in the Yom Kippur Davening. What made me take this one seriously is that many years ago, when I was a wee little thing in eighth grade in Torah Academy in S. Louis Park, MN, I had a teacher named Rabbi Yaakov Waxman who taught us the story of Unesaneh Tokef. And when he read it out to us, he was crying.
I was thinking about this today, how a little action someone does nearly ten years ago can have such a profound affect now. All right, so my having a little Kavanah during Davening is hardly a "profound affect", but I do flatter myself when I believe that Rabbi Waxman was not thinking that he would accomplish this with a couple tears, teaching a bunch of spaced out and bratty eighth graders. It really makes you think about all the little things you do, whether you're having a positive or negative affect on someone, and how that will affect them for the rest of their lives.
Sure, a lot of times you're actions carry no apparent weight. What I mean to say is, just because you do something it doesn't mean that anyone will ever remember it; most people can hardly recall their own actions, let alone others. Still, obviously everything you do affects everything else, and sometimes, people might even recognize this. And it's nice when you're able to say, "Yeah, that was a good thing there," because all too often we're able to say, "Man, that was rather moronic."

Sorry about all this introspection shtuff at the end here. It was kindly meant.

Money makes the world go 'round

In just a few hours, we'll all be fasting. What a pleasant thought. In slightly fewer hours, we'll all be gorging ourselves. A slightly more pleasant thought. And for the foreseeable future, we'll all still be wondering about the financial situation. This is especially relevant because Nemo, that faithful reader of ours, has been waxing lyrical about the monetary pain and suffering he's currently enduring. A reader asked, "What about G-d?" Why are people so convinced that they have the power to affect their wallets? Doesn't everything come from the Big Guy in the Sky?
The answer to these questions is, "Of course, buddy, but not so fast there." Yes, everything comes from G-d, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't work. It doesn't mean you shouldn't worry about the provenance of your next lunch. Sure, we have to have the faith that everything will turn out just swimmingly, but at the same time, if you put no effort into your labors, then what will be? Not a whole heck of a lot.
At the same time, it's important to note that in fact G-d does run the world. When you're in trouble, pray to Him. Ask of Him. Set up a lunch meeting. But don't rely on him and fail to do anything yourself. As our holy books say, you've only got to make a vessel for G-d's blessing-but you've got to make a vessel. If you fail in that respect, then it's going to be pretty tough to eat lunch at an expensive restaurant.

Moving right along, the upcoming presidential election has inserted itself into our collective conscious like a varicose vein in a prematurely-aged leg. I don't know if anyone is truly half as enthusiastic as they say about it, and I doubt if anyone truly doesn't care. That is to say, we're all bored to death, and wish it were all over with and we could get back to the important things in life, like figuring out a decent place for tiffin. Tonight was the second debate, and of course, the Democrats say that Mr. Obama won, the Republicans say that Mr. Mccain won, and the independents know that they wasted nearly two hours of their life listening to two grown men fighting like little girls on a Manhattan playground. What does this have to do with Yom Kippur? I haven't the faintest idea. All's I know is, it's rapidly approaching, and few of us have done our proper repenting. How do I know this? Experience.

Anyway, I sincerely hope that everyone gets written and sealed in the book of life, love, and Lchaims, and that y'all make some positive resolutions in your lives, like cutting down on consumed fat and writing more comments on this here humble blog.