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I had a phone conversation with one of the persons I was talking about in the previous two posts, and since this whole thing has played out so nicely online and in public, it wouldn't feel right to withhold from y'all the fruits of my telephony. Of course there was contrition and promises to do better in the future, but whether this means anything is not up to me- only the cook can prevent the chili from being burned, as it were.

The main thought I had coming from the conversation was how the point I wanted to get across wasn't. Instead of a discussion of right and wrong, good and evil, Mac and PC, what we got was a discussion on the fiery pits of hell awaiting some people and the eternal excision of the soul awaiting others. Look, I know that having a belief of reward and punishment is fundamental to our religion, and indeed in this case it's particularly pertinent, but I just don't think that someone over the age of twenty one is going to change their behavior based on their fear of eternal damnation. Face it, they know what the books say, they claim to believe what the books say, and yet, at the end of the day, do they really care? I would argue that they don't.

What a person does care about, what a person does feel, is their own personal responsibility and their own principles. If a person believes that what they're doing is wrong, and cares about their own beliefs, then they'll stop. If they don't stop, then obviously they don't really care, but again, what I wanted from this conversation was a discussion on this person's own beliefs, not of some future reward and punishment.

Oh well, I'm sure there'll be plenty of chances in the future.

Shtuff Happens

I was thinking about a specific Rashi for most of the day, and lo and behold I discovered that this very Rashi was in today's Chumash. Basically, I wrote a post a week ago that was meant for a couple of very specific people. Seeing as I got no feedback from that couple I have to assume that they didn't get it (or else didn't even read it, a very real possibility considering the circumstances). Be that as it may, this morning I got an email from someone who assumed that I had been talking about them! They proceeded to say that I had been correct in my assessment of the situation, and they were impressed that I had managed to say what I had to say in such a delicate manner.

Two things struck me about this whole episode. The first was that someone took what I wrote to heart and not only did they not get upset (which they had every right to do) but instead they took the lesson to heart in the most magnanimous way. I was very impressed with this, even though I don't happen to believe that the lesson they assumed needed taking actually needed to be taken, and even though I'm certainly in no position to criticize this person, even if I wanted to, which I don't.

The second thought which struck me was from today's chitas. Rashi quotes the Gemara in Makkos which has a whole thing about how if one person killed intentionally and another unintentionally, and they couldn't (for whatever reason) be prosecuted for their crimes, then G-d arranged for a fitting punishment. He has them meet up at an inn, and the one who killed unintentionally falls on top of the one who murdered, thus killing him, and then the one who killed unintentionally is sent to exile. This fulfills the verse, "Evil comes forth from evil ones".

I was thinking about this because here was someone who thought they should be criticized and they thought I was criticizing them, and it was all accidental- G-d arranged for whatever needed to be said to be said! Of course, this means I'm an evil one. Also, I hope the people I really was referring to don't think this means their innocent.

Holiday’s 10

With less than 300 shopping days until X-Mas, it’s time you started thinking about your giving for next year. Sure, it might be difficult to think of what you’re going to give, because most of the products you’ll be gifting to your friends and family haven’t even hit the stores yet, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t plan ahead. Some thing never change, no matter how much you believe in it, and it’s best to be prepared for these sorts of things and be able to get them safely out of your way so that you can focus on the important things. For example, you know that your aunt Betty is going to give you a highly fashionable sweater. Unfortunately, her idea of highly fashionable doesn’t encompass anything past 1986, but that doesn’t mean you should ignore the opportunity presented here. Instead of waiting another eleven months to write the trite thank you that aunt Betty normally receives, why not write it now, and, after consulting with your favorite actuary, xerox an appropriate number of copies?

Good idea, I know, but it’s a bit cynical, don’t you think? After all, you’re a savvy, discriminating person (as evidenced by your reading this here humble blog), and is it really befitting for you to go that route? I think not. Better yet would be a visionary approach that combined the kindness normally associated with holiday giving with keenness generally attributed to hedge fund managers who have a bad Friday morning hangover. I would suggest that you look into a gift that says, “Really, I care about you and the sweater you gave me, and I’m so happy with it, and I can’t wait to receive another, and by the way I’m sending this one to the starving children of sub-saharan Africa who I’ve heard are in great need of fiber.” Isn’t that beautiful and touching? Even better will be the gift accompanying this message- a brand new Motorola H17 Bluetooth Headset. Aunt Betty will really appreciate this present, because now she won’t get a crick in her neck when she’s knitting you that sweater and talking on the phone at the same time, and who knows, maybe she’ll even present you with some hip and stylish outerwear next x-mas! OK, that’s going a little far, but just think of the possibilities…

I doubt the םבין will יבין, but...

You know why it says, (Leviticus 19, 17) "Rebuke you shall surely rebuke", and the Rabbis say, "Even a hundred times"? I'll tell you why: it's because the first 99 times the person you're trying to straighten out will laugh in your face. In the spirit of that, I present today's Tanya, courtesy of Chabad.org. I sincerely hope that those who this applies to will take it to heart and won't continue to be a source of embarrassment to the rest of us. (If you aren't interested in reading what the Alter Rebbe has to say [and if that's the case, shame on you!], scroll down to the bottom for more from myself)
--

ומה שפיקוח נפש דוחה שאר עבירות וגם יעבור ואל יהרג

True, we find a principle that saving a life overrides other prohibitions though not the prohibition of idolatry; so too the law sometimes calls for one to commit a transgression rather than be killed, whereas with idolatry, incest and murder, the law requires that he submit to death rather than commit any one of the three.

This would seem to indicate that the Torah itself distinguishes between idolatry and most other commandments — while the Alter Rebbe previously stated that the adultress who makes such a distinction has been blinded by a ”spirit of folly,“ for in reality every sin tears one away from G‑d in the same way as idolatry.

In the following paragraph the Alter Rebbe states that there is no contradiction here. The requirement or non-requirement to sacrifice one’s life for a prohibition does not reflect its intrinsic worth.

היינו כפירוש חז״ל: אמרה תורה, חלל עליו שבת אחת כדי שישמור שבתות הרבה

This fact that saving a life overrides other prohibitions is because, as the Sages explain; 1 ”The Torah declares: ‘Desecrate one Shabbat for his sake so that he may live to observe other Shabbatot.’“

When the medical treatment of a patient involves an activity normally forbidden on Shabbat, the Torah requires that we desecrate the Shabbat to cure him so that he may live to observe Shabbat in the future. Thus the precept of Shabbat has not been waived in the face of an external consideration. It is in the interests of the Shabbat itself (i.e., the patient’s future observance of Shabbat) that we desecrate this one Shabbat,

ולא משום קלות העבירות וחומרן

and it is not because of the relative leniency (of the Shabbat) or gravity of the sins (such as idolatry), that one is waived while the other is not.

תדע, שהרי שבת חמורה ושקולה כעבודה זרה לענין שחיטת מומר לדבר אחד, ביורה דעה סימן ב‘

(2This contention is supported by the following fact: Violation of the Shabbat is a grave offense, and comparable to idolatry with regard to the law of Shechitah by anyone who habitually violates a particular precept, as codified in Yoreh Deah, Section 2.

There the Shulchan Aruch states that one who regularly desecrates the Shabbat is unfit for Shechitah, as though he habitually practiced idolatry.

מה שאין כן במומר לגילוי עריות

A habitual sexual offender on the other hand does not have the same law applied to him as a habitual idolator, indicating that the violation of Shabbat is graver than sexual offenses.

ואפילו הכי פיקוח נפש דוחה שבת ולא גילוי עריות

Yet the consideration of life overrides Shabbat, but not the sexual prohibitions.

Thus it cannot be argued that the requirement to sacrifice oneself for the sexual prohibitions is due to their gravity, for we see that the desecration of Shabbat is even graver than them with regard to Shechitah. Hence we must conclude that the laws governing self-sacrifice are no measure of the relative gravity of the mitzvot,

אלא דגזירת הכתוב הוא

but they are simply a matter of Scriptural decree. 3

The sinner, however, who does distinguish between the gravity of the various transgressions, sacrificing his life for the prohibition of idolatry but not even restraining his desire for others, surely has his thinking clouded by the ”spirit of folly“ of the kelipah, which obscures his hidden love of G‑d. For in reality, every transgression creates the ultimate separation between the sinner and G‑d.

The Alter Rebbe now goes on to say that if a difference is indeed to be drawn between the various sins, it is only with regard to their effect after they have taken place.

אלא שלאחר מעשה החטא, אם היא מעבירות שאין בהן כרת ומיתה בידי שמים

After the sinful act, however, if the sin is of the type that carries neither the penalty of karet (spiritual extinction of the soul), or death at the hands of heaven,

שאין נפשו האלקית מתה לגמרי ונכרתת משרשה באלקים חיים

in which case the divine soul does not completely perish and is not entirely cut off from its source in the living G‑d;

רק שנפגם קצת דביקותה ואחיזתה בשרשה בחטא זה

except that through this sin its attachment to its source and its connection with it has been weakened somewhat, in the case of such a sin, the Alter Rebbe concludes (after a parenthetical note), the animal soul and the body can rise out of the kelipah and unite with the holiness of the divine soul.

The difference between — on the one hand — the sins carrying the penalty of karet or death at the hands of heaven, and other sins, is explained elsewhere4 as follows: The connection of the divine soul with its G‑dly source is comparable to a rope woven of 613 strands, each strand representing one of the commandments. Every sin severs a corresponding strand. When one strand is broken, the entire rope is weakened, but not severed entirely. The penalties of karet or death at the hands of heaven, however, cut the rope entirely, so to speak.

* * *

In the following note, the Alter Rebbe states that the varying degrees of severity in the punishments imposed for various sins correspond to the blemish caused by each sin. The purpose of punishment is not the punishment per se, but purification of the soul from the blemish which the sin brought about. Thus, the greater the blemish, the more severe the punishment.

הגהה

ולפי ערך וחלוקי בחינת הפגם בנפש ובשרשה בעליונים

NOTE

Corresponding to the extent and specific nature of the blemish caused by the sin in the soul and in its source in the supernal worlds,

כך הם חלוקי בחינות המירוק והעונש בגיהנם או בעולם הזה

are the various purifying processes and punishments in purgatory or in this world (i.e., the suffering of the soul in purgatory, or one's suffering in this world - whose purpose is to purify the soul),

לכל עון וחטא עונש מיוחד, למרק ולהעביר הלכלוך והפגם

for each transgression and sin its appropriate punishment, for the purpose of cleansing and removing the stain and the blemish caused by that specific sin.

וכן בחייבי מיתה וכרת אין פוגמין כולם בשוה

Similarly, the blemish caused by the sins carrying the penalty of death at the hands of heaven or karet varies from one sin to another.

END OF NOTE

הרי גם נפשו החיונית הבהמית המלובשת בגופו, וכן גופו

(To return to our original point:) After the sinful act, in the case of those sins which do not carry the punishment of karet or death at the hands of heaven, the sinner’s animal soul, which animates the body and is clothed in it, as well as his body itself,

חוזרים ועולים מהסטרא אחרא וקליפה זו ומתקרבים לקדושת נפש האלקית המלובשת בהם

return and rise from the sitra achra and kelipah whereto they descended when the sin was committed, and they draw closer to the holiness of the divine soul that pervades them.

המאמינה בה’ אחד, וגם בשעת החטא היתה באמנה אתו יתברך

The divine soul always believes in the One G‑d, and remains faithful to Him even while the sin is being committed.

For it is only the animal soul, via the body, that performs the sinful act.

רק שהיתה בבחינת גלות ממש תוך נפש הבהמית מסטרא אחרא, המחטיאה את הגוף ומורידתו עמה בעמקי שאול

But at that time, [the divine soul] was in a state of veritable exile in the animal soul — which derives from the sitra achra — which causes the body to sin, and drags it down with itself to the lowest depths;

למטה מטה תחת טומאת הסטרא אחרא וקליפת עבודה זרה, ה‘ ישמרנו

so low, in fact, that it is even lower than the impurity of the sitra achra and the kelipah of idolatry (May G‑d preserve us!).

An exile’s foreign surroundings restrict him from expressing his abilities and ideas. Similarly the divine soul (which is in exile within the animal soul when one sins) is unable to express itself in mastery of the body and in harnessing it for the service of G‑d, by reason of the foreign environment of the kelipah.

ואין לך גלות גדול מזה, מאיגרא רמה כו’

There is no greater exile than this exile of the divine soul within the animal soul, that is brought on through sin. It is a plunge ”from a lofty roof [to a deep pit].“

וכמו שכתוב לעיל, דשרש ומקור נפשות כל בית ישראל הוא מחכמה עילאה, והוא יתברך וחכמתו אחד וכו‘

For, as explained earlier, 5 the source and root of all Jewish souls is in the Divine Wisdom, and G‑d and His wisdom are one and the same... and sin plunges the soul from this lofty plane to the depths of exile within the sitra achra.

והוא כמשל האוחז בראשו של מלך ומורידו למטה וטומן פניו בתוך בית הכסא מלא צואה, שאין לך עלבון גדול מזה, אפילו עושה כן לפי שעה

It is comparable to one who seizes the king’s head, drags it down, and dips his face in a privy full of filth — the ultimate in humiliation, even if he does it only for a moment.

שהקליפות וסטרא אחרא נקראות קיא צואה, כנודע

For the kelipot and sitra achra are called ”vomit and filth,“ as is known.

Similarly, when one seizes the divine soul, which stems from Divine wisdom (”the king’s head“), and through his sins forces it into the kelipah (”a privy full of filth“), he brings upon his soul the most unspeakable humiliation — even if he does so only for a moment (for afterwards the soul rises out of its exile).

We thus see that the differences between the various sins apply only after the sin has been committed. During the act, however, every sin tears one away from G‑d. Since every Jew is endowed with a hidden love of G‑d, by virtue of which he wishes to be constantly united with Him, and never to be separated from Him, not even for a moment, he can employ this hidden love in fulfilling all the mitzvot and in avoiding every sin — as the Alter Rebbe concludes in the following chapter.

--

So, you got all that? You really enjoy sticking the head of the king in the toilet? Do I really have to repeat this ninety nine more times?

Doves

In case you were wondering why I'm posting these, it's because I'm in a very peaceful mood.

Vindicated!

2009 Jewish Music Blogger's Award Winners!

TRS picked Benny too! Woohoo!

TRS picked this too! Go him!
TRS picked this too! Once again the masses applaud TRS' every move! (Now I'm beginning to sound like the Tippler & Toppler or A Bochur in Lubawitz)
TRS has to respectfully disagree here- after all, as usual, the masses are...
And TRS triumphs once again!
Sorry, have to respectfully disagree...
Here too I used semantics to give Beri Weber the nod.

HH 253: The Real Work Edition

Do you know what time it is? It's Haveil Havalim time! As always I'm doing this at a time way past my bed time, because my good friend Yossi Shomer (Toronto) just got engaged to Batsheva Schreiber (West Hartford) and their lchaim was recently the scene of much celebration by myself, which resulted in, as I said, a rather late putting together of this week's HH. Nu nu. Meanwhile, welcome to another exciting edition of Haveil Havalim, number 253, and as always:

Founded by Soccer Dad, Haveil Havalim is a carnival of Jewish blogs -- a weekly collection of Jewish & Israeli blog highlights, tidbits and points of interest collected from blogs all around the world. It's hosted by different bloggers each week and coordinated by Jack. The term 'Haveil Havalim,' which means "Vanity of Vanities," is from Qoheleth, (Ecclesiastes) which was written by King Solomon. King Solomon built the Holy Temple in Jerusalem and later on got all bogged down in materialism and other 'excesses' and realized that it was nothing but 'hevel,' or in English, 'vanity.'

Moving right along, on with the show, and remember that just because I wrote something doesn't mean I meant it, and just because I didn't write something doesn't mean I didn't mean it.

So then...

Chabad.org this week blogged about the Friendship Circle in West Bloomfield, Michigan, which this week inundated everyone's inboxes and Facebook and Twitter and whatnot's with pleas to vote for them. For those who don't yet know, the FC finished in fourth place and received $100,000 which is a pretty nice chunk of change, though it's obviously not the big payday we were all hoping for.

Next up we have Haiti, that penniless island nation with a penchant for bad news. Jacob Richman wrote about an IDF Search and Rescue Team Saves Man while Batya presents Trying to "Whitewash" The Israeli Contribution in Haiti . Harry gave us some more love with Israelis do their part in Haiti, while Lady-Light had More on Israeli Efficiency and Chesed* and Eric had A Reader Comment About Haiti. Fern Chasida Rabinovitz told us about her National Pride, which is quite understandable. The message from all, of course, is that Israel rocks the house, even if they can't qualify for the World Cup, and anyone who stands in the way of our world dominat-I mean, world salvati-I mean, helping people out, will be swiftly dealt with by us Jewish blogger people. Providing a glorious opportunity for a nice little segue, Batya has a very serious critique of Israel (as opposed to the utterly non-serious previous sentence directly preceding this one about Israel's plans for taking over the world [I just had to make sure y'all understand that was a joke]) with Bullet-Proof, The Fashion I'd Rather Not Need Again, And Thoughts About Israel Helping Haiti, which calls to mind the Talmudic dictum regarding charity starting at home.

As I said, that was a nice segue into some more postings about Israel, including Joel Katz with Religion and State in Israel - January 18, 2010 (Section 1) and Religion and State in Israel - January 18, 2010 (Section 2), very convenient, I know. Continuing in the Israel-religion (aren't the two mutually exclusive?) vein, Batya gives us Religious Freedom in Israel, Bad News for The Jews, and Harry has a post (Second Seasons) about an Israeli tv show called Serugim. Far be it from me to offer an opinion, but from his description of the show, it sure didn't seem like it was about religious singles. Soccer Dad has Galaxies Apart, which features pictures of our holy land (always a good thing), Harry has some more on that landscape with Nostalgia Sunday – Pressed Wildflowers, and Anthony rounds this sentence up nicely while he questions the Israeli High Court with Route 443: Is the High Court Correct?.

Next up is the Yisrael Medad section!

Yisrael Medad presents My Right Word: Amy's Very Jewish Father posted at My Right Word, saying, "MyRightWord notes that Amy Winehouse's father is no different than any Jewish father."

Yisrael Medad presents The Mumble-Jumble of Mondoweiss posted at My Right Word, saying, "MyRightWord decided to take on a leading antizionist."

Yisrael Medad presents There Went Another posted at My Right Word, saying, "Yisrael Medad discovered another Israeli media star who has returned to Judaism. What's happening in Tel Aviv?"

Other shtuff

Chabad presents BLOG: About Black Boxes and Jewish Pride posted at lubavitch.com Chabad-Lubavitch news site. As in, next time you're on an airplane, remember that sometimes exciting things happen.

Mottel presents Of Ivy League Towns and Good Beer posted at Letters of Thought, saying, "have a good shabbos" to which I say, "Thank you very much, I did, and I hope yours was equally fulfilling."

Suzy presents The STILL suggestion posted at A bit of Light, and once I'm finished this Haveil Havalim I'll be sure to take her suggestion under consideration, probably in bed. Asleep.

Yossi presents Worldwide Cooties Pandemic which is pretty much self explanatory.

Yossi also presented Running of the Hats, which describes one of the cultural institutions for which Brooklyn is justly famous.

Risa presents The Banality of Love posted at Isramom, saying, "Review of a play"

Batya presents G-d's Canvas posted at me-ander.

Lady-Light presents Screwy U.S. Airline Security Measures-Ripe for Satire posted at Tikkun Olam, saying, "This is so silly, it could have been under "US Airport Security"--er--"Humor."

History

Soccer Dad presents Remembering the Lamed Heh -- 35 who fought to save Gush Etzion posted at The Muqata جميل في المقاطعة.

HumorLady-Light presents BEST Made-Up Family Word EVER (nablopomo day#10) posted at Tikkun Olam.

Judaism (Our glorious religion)

Micah Streiffer presents Virtually Jewish posted at חוץ מזה - Chutz Mizeh - Otherwise....

David Morris presents Jewish Press - Saving Our Children From Abuse, by David Morris posted at Tzedek-Tzedek, saying, "An article from Tzedek-Tzedek now published in Jewish Press - about the problems of reporting child abuse cases to the police in orthodox communities.

Mordechai Torczyner presents Rabbi Herschel Solnica, z"l posted at The Rebbetzin's Husband.

David Morris presents Directed Anger - Surviving Child Sex-Abuse & Incest posted at Tzedek-Tzedek.

Rachel Barenblat presents Velveteen Rabbi: The nursing mother tallit posted at Velveteen Rabbi, to which I say, "Hey, I've been using my wool tallis for months now without washing..."

Kashrut

Shira Salamone presents Creeping toward consistent kashrut? posted at ON THE FRINGE—AL TZITZIT, saying, "Believe it or not, frozen pancakes help me keep kosher."

Shira Salamone presents Consistent kashrut? Not quite posted at ON THE FRINGE—AL TZITZIT, saying, "Good luck try to keep kosher without convincing your family and friends that you think you're "holier than thou."

Personal

leah aharoni presents The Danger of Parenting Books posted at Ingathered.

Mordechai Torczyner presents The Tyranny of the BCC posted at The Rebbetzin's Husband.

Laura Weisskopf Bleill presents Being a Jew in C-U: Quality, Not Quantity posted at ChambanaMoms.com, saying, "Thanks!", to which I respond, "You're welcome!"

Hadassah Sabo Milner presents Blatant Racism and Judgmentalism « In the Pink posted at In the Pink, saying, "i wasn't sure which category to place this in - I trust your judgment"-to which I say, "That's funny, because I sure don't trust my judgment."

Hadassah Sabo Milner presents My kids are in shidduchim!! posted at In the Pink, which must be the most stressful thing in the whole world. Do you want your kid coming home with some creep? I didn't think so.

Home Shuling presents Talking about God posted at Home-shuling.

Home Shuling presents Taking care of ourselves posted at Home-shuling.

Politics

SnoopyTheGoon presents The water libel: Zionists flooding Gaza to drown Palestinians posted at SimplyJews.

SnoopyTheGoon presents Extremist in Egypt, teacher in London, what else are you, Reza Pankhurst? posted at SimplyJews

Torah

Batya presents Transition Leaders, Moses and Samuel posted at Shiloh Musings

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of haveil havalim
using our carnival submission form.

Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.

Technorati tags: haveil havalim, blog carnival.

Healthy Advice

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product. Everything in moderation

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
B: Sex is very good exercise, good for many things, not only for pleasure.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!? again eating everything in moderation. you are what you eat.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Peace through (cell) power

After Scott Brown’s shocking win last night in Massachusetts we here at HeightsDeals.com wanted to find a way to bring this country together again. It seems like healthcare isn’t going to do the trick, mainly because no one’s listened to our suggestions on the matter, but be that as it may, here at HeightsDeals.com we’re as public spirited as ever. In what other fashion could we possibly bring unity to this fractured amalgam of ours? How about through music? After all, music is to soothing the savages what airplanes are to transportation- extremely effective and not overly expensive. So how about it then? Let’s see what this future perfect might be like:

“Hey John, that’s a great phone you have there. It plays music so well and looks nice too.”

“Well Smithers, it is a great phone, but so is yours! It also plays music well, and also has a superior outward appearance.”

“Yes John, ever since we bought these cellphones from HeightsDeals.com we’ve been so very happy, and so is everyone around us!”

–

Wasn’t that beautiful? Just think of all the tremendous accomplishments that music has to its credit for the the last three thousand years or so, and imagine those effects multiplied by billions. With just a little bit of effort we could bring global peace in a way that James Cameron could only dream of. Best of all, instead of costing trillions of dollars, this plan would only require a modest investment of about sixty dollars per person, which in my opinion is well worth the cost. With every person rocking to their own tunes, no one would be jealous, no one would be hungry, no one would be anything but completely satisfied and content. Sounds a little socialist for all the right-wingers in this country to get behind? Obviously they haven’t heard the sublime brilliance of a well played Bach concerto.

Perhaps they’re right, these conservative tea drinkers. Perhaps there is a better way to bring this country together. What could be a better method than music? How about the promise of opportunity that is the internet? Let’s listen in to another conversation between John and Smithers:

“Hey John, what a remarkable new phone you have there. It surfs the net like it was born in Hawaii, and its messaging capabilities are unmatched. With a phone like that, you can really spread messages of peace and goodwill to all the world!”

“Well Smithers, I appreciate that you like this phone, but the truth is that your new phone is as much a game changer as mine. With those lightning-quick 3G speeds and that full Qwerty keyboard, your phone is truly equipped to be the new version of the United Nations security forces, but this time it’ll actually, bringing prosperity and capitalist ideals to everyone the world over.”

“John, truer words have never been spoken. If only everyone followed our lead and moseyed on down to HeightsDeals.com and did their part to save the world, there’d be no more car bombings or whatever. Even religious fundamentalists the world over can use technology to plan to their prayer meetings or whatever it is that religious fundamentalists do, and no one has to get hurt.”

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Wishful thinking? Perhaps. After all, if music can’t save the world, who says the internet can? Good thing all four phones featured here have both excellent music and internet capabilities-the perfect combination to finally rid the world of all that ails it, and a great deal too!

Ask Heightsdeals.com

Dear Heightsdeals.com,

I’m looking for a solution to a slight problem I’m having right now. Basically, my pet goldfish died, and I don’t know what to do. It’s really sad, because I loved my pet goldfish like a brother, and now I just don’t know what to do! I remember all the good times, when we used to just sit there and stare at each other. I remember nursing him back to health when he was sick, pouring just a drop of chicken soup into his fishbowl to ensure he’d get better. Unfortunately though, this only lead to his death, as the hot soup scalded him. I immediately pulled him out and put on first aid cream, but I guess it was too late, and I was left bereft of my only friend. What shall I do?

Sincerely,

Johnson

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Dear Johnson,

I’m very sorry to hear about the loss of your fish; I’ve had pets myself, and I know how attached people get to the little critters. Might I suggest you go for a new pet that requires a little less personal love and care? The LG CU920 Vu has this really cool feature that allows you to have a fish on your front screen. You can play with this fish and everything, and it’ll never even get sick! Probably a good thing, because cellphones appreciate chicken soup even less than goldfish.

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Dear Heightsdeals.com

Two weeks ago I got ripped off resigning with one of the big cellphone companies, and now I don’t know what to do. I wanted a cool new phone, so I spent all my money on yet another two year plan, plus I had to pay big bucks for the cellphone. The customer service is terrible, and I feel confused, frustrated, and lonely. Whatever shall I do?

Sincerely,

Carl

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Deal Carl,

Here at Heightsdeals.com we hear many heartbreaking stories like your own. The saddest is when, as in your case, the customer reups with his phone company- fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on who? Don’t worry though, there’s no need to panic. Most of the major carriers have thirty day money back guarantees, and once you’re rid of the waste you can move on to bigger and greater things, like a brand new unlocked cell phone which you can use with many different cell companies. Might I suggest the MotoRoker EM30? You’ll be able to listen to all your favorite music and call your friends to let them know how much you’re enjoying your new phone. Best of all, you’ll be emboldening freedom-seekers around the world and striking a blow for justice and opportunity. Sounds noble and far-fetched? Perhaps, but for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, and with your help we can bring redemption to the world’s repressed cellphone using millions.

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Dear Heightsdeals.com,

I haven’t had a big break in a long time. Everywhere I turn I’m besieged by doubts. Can I do succeed, can I make a way for myself in life, can I truly live up to my great potential? I just don’t know what to do. Please help.

Sincerely,

Eli

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Dear Eli,

You sound a bit depressed, which is understandable, because you obviously haven’t had any reason to be happy lately. It’s been two and a half weeks since New Years, and even longer since you played in a meaningful football game. Whether it was your supporting cast or your leg that let you down, it’s now time for a change. Change is good. Change can help you. All right, a new defensive coordinator probably won’t do much to help your people catch the balls they’re currently dropping, but perhaps we can help them. After all, what’s the real issue here? Communication, or lack thereof. The receivers just aren’t feeling your vibes, and they’re not catching your balls. Or maybe the issue is that your overthrowing. Or that your best receiver is in jail. Maybe. If the issue is the lack of communication, then we have just the thing for you- a brand new Sidekick LX. You can call or text or chat down field and finally start throwing some touchdowns.