Monday, July 14, 2008

Hibba Mark V: Jerusalem Tales

So there we were, making our way through to this crazy tunnel, and we passed by the place where King Solomon, him of the 1000 paramours and a tremendous buffet in Toronto, was anointed as King of the Jews. That's probably the coolest thing about Israel in general and Yerushalayim in particular. King David captured the city from the Jebusites by attacking from this tunnel; it really is amazing to think that just a few thousand years ago the original Messiah was walking around, slaying enemies and composing psalms. A little further on was Hezekiah's Tunnel, which even has a nice plaque of authenticity on the wall. Did I mention that the plaque was put there by Hezekiah's men?
The tunnel itself is quite fun to go through. Who doesn't enjoy walking bent over in knee-deep water? Besides, we got these really cute flashlights for free. Presumably someone paid for them, but that's hardly my problem, right?
Once we got out we met some old Arab who owns a house which happens to sit on top of a bunch of archeological shtuff, though so far we don't quite know what's there, as he very inconveniently has refused to allow anyone in. He did offer to sell for one hundred camels, which was a pity, because we only had Parliaments on us. Just kidding, he wanted animals, not cigarettes. And of those we had not a one. Perhaps next time then.
All this tunneling was soon replaced by a great big group dance in the concession area. I'm not sure why we decided to dance and sing. Perhaps we felt like it. Regardless, we did it, and we even got some of the hardier tourists to join in, so a fun time was had by all. All in this particular situation excludes our tour guide Aharon, who isn't a big fan of public exhibitionism. Don't worry, he survived the experience.

Next up was a drive-by of Gehenna, site of human sacrifice and the source of the Jewish version of Hell. It's cute, because a lot of people don't believe in the big barbecue in the sky. Why is that cute? Well, just imagine how you would feel if someone dumped a bunch of sauce on you. I imagine you wouldn't like it too much, which is a perfectly understandable feeling. The lesson to be learned? Never start a paragraph that you aren't prepared to finish. Even more importantly, remember to delete it afterwards if it really makes no sense.

Next up was the Machane Yehuda marketplace and tourist place. Lunch was a kilo of piping hot potato bourekas that were better than any I ever had before, plus a cup of slushy coffee. So yeah, this bakery didn't look like much, but oh boy, were those things. Everyone's favorite editor also got some sweet baked good type thingies, but I didn't have any of those, primarily because I was stuffing my face with the potato deliciousness. He also tried taking a picture of the baker, which the baker didn't appreciate too much. Eliezer quickly took some evasive action, like erasing the offending picture, and everyone was happy.
And aside from a quick Mikve by Mossad Harav Kook, that was about it for Friday. Tomorrow, with the help of the one above, I'll give you the Shabbos report. Lucky you.

99 comments:

Nemo said...

Gei Ben-Hinnom, right?

So I still don't get how that got euphemized for Hell ...

Our tour guide wasn't quite as talented as your Aharon guy seems to have been. He just kept stopping places and pulling out his good 'ol Tanach and saying stuff like:

Vayomer Tzlefchad el Yerubavel ... eh, guys, dis happaned 'ere, istoriah ... ok, let's go ...

Nemo said...

Is that valley like the entrance to Hell or something ... you know, where the road is paved with good intentions ...

YochananG Aust said...

i hope your roast tasted good since i don't think bourekas are a good desert

YochananG Aust said...

Mossad Harav Kook doesn't have a mikva
we went to a shtible next door is were we did the dip


PS. first word of the third paragraph?

The Real Shliach said...

Nemo: You are correct, Aharon was excellent. Yes, the valley was used by the Rabbis to represent Hell, because it was a popular spot for Molech, and they couldn't think of anything worse than child sacrifice. The "Road to hell" is a quote from Karl Marx, and I don't think that it is what the Rabbis meant. But hey, how should I know?
Yochanan: What roast? Also, you are correct, and also, that has been corrected.

Nemo said...

Actually - and only for the purpose of bringing Geulah to the world, I must point out - you are mistaken.

The quote is a B'Feirusheh Samuel Johnson.

Nemo said...

(The wonders of Google!)

The Real Shliach said...

Merely in the interests of being proven right, just look up this little URL: http://www.google.com/search?q=The+road+to+hell+is+paved+with+good+intentions&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a
(The wonders of Google!)

Nemo said...

What are you referring to - the first link?

Do you honestly think I didn't see that? I Googled the same line!

But:

A. More than one of the generated results on that very first page attribute Samuel Johnson for the line itself with the prefatory three words "The road to."

B. Although you might say that Google will return results that credit Marx with it:

1. They are the Miyut of search results
2. They require a more descript search field
3. Marx lived long after Johnson
4. Asmachta B'Alma

The Real Shliach said...

Let's just say it's a Machlokes Tachtonim

YochananG Aust said...

"human sacrifice" "in the big barbecue"

The Real Shliach said...

Yochanan, are you suggesting that human meat might be a tasty dessert? That's pretty sick, if rather intriguing.

Eliezer said...

To Nemo and anybody else who read "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy":
Doesn't the phrase "pretty sick, if rather intriguing" sound like it could have come from the guide? Am I the only one who sees a similarity between TRS's writing and Douglas Adams'?

The Real Shliach said...

I certainly do

YochananG Aust said...

no just a little more then the 1kg bourekas

Cheerio said...

re: douglas adams and TRS -
suddenly, my enjoyment of this blog has been put into perspective!
(and if you like douglas adams, try jasper fforde.)

Nemo said...

Honestly, reading HGTTG was a fantasy I was entertaining for a while, and still do, but haven't had the opportunity to tear through it.

The Real Shliach said...

Hey Cheerio, is Perspective a good thing?

As for you, Nemo:

Turn your fantasy's into reality with our new cannabis-enhanced crackers! One bite and the world is your plaything!
Just send a check ASAP

Cheerio said...

the word i was trying to think of last night, and couldn't was "context". as in, "my enjoyment of this blog has been put into context" - which is indeed a good thing.

The Real Shliach said...

Oh goodie!

The Tznius Police said...

Its revolting to see the fraternization going on between single boys and girls on this website. Cheerio, TRS, Nemo, and Eliezer, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Nemo said...

What about worse things, like the discussion of a book filled with gaping inconsistencies about the universe and the meaning of life?

Furthermore, I haven't said a word to Cheerio here.

the tzniut police said...

That's just becasue u didn't know she's a girl. If you knew, you would've flirted the night away. I know u'r machshavos zaros.

the tznius police said...

Cheerio: Please do not desecrate the sanctity of our blog with you feminine sellf

YochananG Aust said...

To the .... police you should decide how to spell your name are you from the Sephardim or Ashkenazim since you keep on changing you mind or our you multi cultural and next time call yourself the tzniph police to include the Taimanim

The Real Shliach said...

Man, this Tznius Police guy is pretty harsh, huh? Cheerio, I just want you to know that you'll always be welcome on this blog, even if you aren't the same gender as the rest of us here.
To Mr. Tznius Police: Please keep your hard-core OCD religion out of the frie Lubavitch that we all know and love.
Nemo: We've barely discussed the book! Perhaps you could start an intelligent discussion on the meaning of 42.

Nemo said...

I didn't know she's a girl???

She was my frikking co-worker dude!

The Real Shliach said...

When was she your coworker?
Anyway, if you don't believe me, go read her two blogs.

Nemo said...

Recently.

What wouldn't I believe you about?

The Real Shliach said...

I just thought maybe you wouldn't believe me.
When did you work together?

Nemo said...

L'Mai Nafka Minah?

The Real Shliach said...

Fine, be secretive, suspicious, and possibly obsequious.

It's not who you think it is! said...

obsequious?

The Real Shliach said...

Might I recommend, at this juncture, dictionary.com?

It's still not who you think it is! said...

I checked. Why would he act servile and obedient?

The Real Shliach said...

That's why I put in the qualifier "possibly".

Nemo said...

Docile to who?

On the plus side, the Tznius police shut up!

The Real Shliach said...

Possibly to know one. I'm really not sure at this point.
In other news, the Tznius Police haven't even said anything recently!

the tzniut police said...

So has Cheerio shut up.

The Real Shliach said...

What have you done to her, you heartless fiend?!

Cheerio said...

gasp! i am here! i survived the cruel and vicious persecution perpetrated against me by the tznius/tzniut police as a result of my gender!
thanks for the support, trs.
but why would nemo claim to be my co-worker and then not believe that i'm a girl?

tzniut, tznius. whatever. just get the point said...

Because nemo, like all the porkei ol, doesnt give a dam about god and his torah and its laws. if hes a flirt, you think hes not a liar???

SERIOUSLY, THIS IS PRITZUS. TRS?? IS THIS A BLOG הראוייה לשמה? the REAL shliach should have REAL STANDARDS!!!!!

Eliezer said...

The righteous indignation is killing me. TRS, Is there room for such fundamentalism in Lubavitch?

Nemo said...

Eliezer, fortunately and unfortunately, there is room for everyone in Lubavitch. Even the indignant.

Tznius- "IS THIS A BLOG הראוייה לשמה?"

Hahaha .... taken OUT of context, this line is hilarious. When was blogging ever a self-respecting hobby?

Nemo said...

"if hes a flirt, you think hes not a liar???"

Is this the standard for Ne'emonus that the Torah holds people to?

FEH! Being M'Arer B'Ksherim!!

Eliezer said...

with such a name, he better be self-respecting. the real shliach. and don't forget shluchoy shel adam c'moysoy un biz tzu c'mosoy mamash!

I might trust your sworn testimony in court, but not anything less than that. ARE YOU MARRIED? WELL THEN KEEP AWAY FROM GIRLS!!!

i HOPE cHERRIO IS READING THIS AND GETTING THE MASSAGE. trs, sTART MODERting comments again, so we can keep cherio out.

Nemo said...

WTF? Is that really you Eliezer? It doesn't sound like you.

Despite painstakingly capitalizing the word "OUT" above, you still took the statement contextually. I understand English (and Hebrew - even when it's grammatically incorrect), but I was remarking on the stand-alone, out-of-context statement, which would imply that it should be Ra'oi L'Shem "Blog."

And what the heck does this mean?

"I might trust your sworn testimony in court, but not anything less than that."

The highest burden of proof takes place in court, so why shouldn't you accept me on less austere matters, like daily conversation?

Further, you're wrong. The idea of Ne'emanus extends to much more than just a courtroom. It applies in matters of Kashrus, Kedusha, etc.

Eliezer said...

Sh*t. How did that fundamentalist wacko get my name?

Nemo said...

Unless you and Tzniut are one and the same ... dum da dum dum dahhhhh!!

Eliezer said...

Indeed. I am busted.

Cheerio: Don't take any of this seriously. Just ignore my evil alter ego.

Nemo said...

How are we to know which is your alter ego and which is your true self? How do we distinguish good from evil?

Eliezer said...

Generally, my self doesn't let my evil alter ego know the password to my google account.

The Real Shliach said...

Hey everybody, being on Merkos Shlichus doesn't give me much time to comment.
Eliezer: You're being quite strange.
Nemo: Fascinating.
Cheerio: You'll always be welcome on the TRS blog. Awe.

Eliezer said...

Does that mean that you're not posting any more hibba experiences? I dying of curiosity to hear what I did in Tel Aviv.

I was acting strange under the assumption that I wouldn't get caught. Wouldn't you act strange under those circumstances?

Nemo said...

Are you saying that it's all right/normal to act strange with the assumption that you won't get caught? Is that like singing in the shower when no one else is home?

By the way Eliezer, you shouldn't rush so quickly from Shul on Friday nights ... my colleague pointed you out and I meant to head over to you and confront you about your unethical behavior yesterday. But, unfortunately, 770 being the amicable place that it is, getting past the many friends who hadn't seen me in the past week to reach you proved impossible.

Next time, next time.

The Real Shliach said...

Eliezer: Don't worry, I'll have the final post up tonight I"YH.
As for acting strange; what, you don't believe what you were espousing as the "Tznius Police"? I thought you had standards!
Nemo: We still have yet to meet. When you see me in 770 in three weeks, say hi. Tremendous.
BTW, 56 comments, eh? Pretty impressive.

Nemo said...

All because Eliezer was misbehaving!

I don't go looking for internet personalities in 770 - I find them by happenstance. If I run into you and realize that you're the dude from the picture waiting for Obama, I'll definitely say howdy.

When precisely will you be here? Cause I'm moving away sometime soon, either in 2 weeks or a month.

The Real Shliach said...

But you have to admit, it was quite entertaining.
As for me, well, I'll be in 770 for Shabbos Chazon, Erev Tisha B'av.
Where are you going?

Eliezer said...

I didn't leave 770 until 10:15. You must have not looked hard enough. Which colleague of yours pointed me out? You can e-mail me if you don't want his name posted online.

Nemo said...

TRS- Philadelphia, though Minnesota is still not officially ruled out ;).

Basically, when I leave depends on if I can get an apartment for August 15 (Friday after 9 Av) or if I need to rent from August 1. Considering I have nothing yet, the 15th looks likely.

Eliezer- You certainly disappeared rather quickly from just inside the main sanctuary entrance on the far right, where you were making pleasant Shabbat conversation with some other familiar looking fellow (I'm forgetting who).

You were pointed out - Masiach L'fi Tumo, I should add - by Reb Mottel the blogger.

Eliezer said...

Darn. I remember that. I walked right by you and kinda-sorta-not-really said hi to Mottel. I guess that's what I deserve for being anti-social.

Anyhow, I didn't leave then. I walked out and walked back in a minute later.

The Real Shliach said...

Who is this Mottel fellow, and why is not an ardent reader of this blog?

Friends, Romans, countrymen, where is the Mivtzoyim which is expected of you?

Eliezer said...

1. mordechai.org

2. I dunno. Where?

The Real Shliach said...

1. Fascinating
2. That's what I'm wondering

Corn Flake said...

how do you know TRS isn't a girl, you flirt!?

The Real Shliach said...

Oh no! My secret revealed!

No way I going to leave a comment like that under my own name said...

I've been to mikveh with TRS and can tell that he's well endowed in the nether regions.

Now who the hell are you, madame Corn Flake?

The Real Shliach said...

A. Ooh la la, eh?
B. Who says it's a girl?

hey OJs! it's the frigging 21st century! said...

Maybe if boys and girls fraternized more, there wouldn't be this shidduch crisis, eh?

The Real Shliach said...

Orange Juice?

Maybe if boys and girls fraternized more, we'd have more teenage pregnancies, or perhaps more use of birth control. According to official doctrine, which is worse? I'd venture to say that the wasting of seed is probably a more heinous crime.

Anonymous said...

OJs=Orthodox Jews

Anonymous said...

According to official doctrine, spilling seed is worse than g"a. So, bochurim ought to be encouraged to screw around, as it is the lesser of the two evils.

everyone's favorite kofer said...

Also, where did this idea of spilling seed come from? It supposedly super-duper evil, but it's not really mentioned in the Bible.

Cheerio said...

cornflake, please clarify:
who's the flirt who may be flirting with the hypothetically female trs?
and evil alter ego of eliezer - when do i get the MASSAGE? i'm getting impatient!
also, are you advocating for married men to hang out with girls?

The Real Shliach said...

Kofer: Go read the works of Rabbi Nachman of Breslav. From what I've heard (and seen) he's big into the spilling of seed. Oh, sorry, not the spilling of seed. Whatever.

Cheerio: Yes, it is quite confusing, isn't it. I think that all the guys on this blog are supposed to stop flirting with you. Tell me, are we flirting with you? Be honest now.

As for your massage, well, I'm sure alter ego will be happy to provide it at your earliest convenience.

Nemo said...

"According to official doctrine, spilling seed is worse than g"a"

G"A= Gilui Arayos???

"Spilling seed" by using birth control is worse than Giluy Arayos? Am I the only one that hasn't lost their sense of reason here?? Or perhaps I'm the only one here with half a Jewish education?

You're out of your mind and you don't begin to understand Halacha man ...

Anonymous said...

I don't know about birth control. just look what the A"R has 2 say in Tanaya.

nemo said...

Dude, birth control isn't an issue because of Zera L'Vatala - it's because of Pru U'Rvu.

Anonymous said...

Well then, i'm glad we can aggree; spilling seed isn't as bad as g"a so bochurim should screw around. birth control is irrelevent.

Nemo said...

Whatever man, you're really making no sense now.

The Real Shliach said...

Nemo, Anonymous peoples rarely make sense. If what they had to say made sense, then why would they post it anonymously?
As for this whole issue of male seed; well, Tanya is pretty explicit about it. Let's see, can we divide the 252 fasts, or is each man alone?

Nemo said...

It's not Zerah L'Vatala when it's delivered to the right place.

http://judaism.about.com/od/sexinjudaism/a/birthcontrol.htm

Oy, we need more Yiddishe sex-ed taught in our Yeshivos (besides the scare tactics in Tanya, Shulchan Oruch, etc.).

The Real Shliach said...

At my Torah Umesorah day school we had sex-ed in 6th grade. At the time, I had no idea what they were talking about.

perfectly sensible anon. said...

Bochur: Rabbi, what's worse? f*cking or spilling seed?

Rabbi: Don't f*ck or spill seed.

Bochur: Rabbi, if I don't f*ck, I will almost certainly spill seed. It's either or.

Rabbi: Whatever happens, don't f*ck. If you spill seed, n'nu.

Me: Is this rabbi illogical or is this rabbi illogical?

Eliezer said...

Cheerio, you're absolutely right. My evil alter ego is not too smart. (If he was smart, he might have been me.)

The Real Shliach said...

Why is the Rabbi illogical? Doing it with a Niddah is Kares-spilling seed just brings instant death, ala Er and Onan. Pick your poison. Alternatively, get hitched.

Nemo said...

Oh, so much that I can teach you young impressionables :)

The Real Shliach said...

You'd be surprised...Meam Loaz is a good educator.

Nemo said...

I'll re-edumacate you when we meet up in a few weeks.

I don't want to get in trouble for doing it in this forum.

For everybody else, I'm giving classes for $25 a session, where we will explore the relevant issues from all rabbinic sources beginning with the Talmud and through to Boteach.

The Real Shliach said...

A. I'm trying to tell you that it's lav davka necessary.
B. Good thinking-loose lips sink ships
C. Boteach? That's old hat. For $35, my classes take you all the way through Esther (Madonna).

Nemo said...

Getzy for $45?

The Real Shliach said...

You mean the Bochur who writes on Shmais? What does he know?

Nemo said...

He says he counsels married couples!

The Real Shliach said...

Those couples must be really desperate.

the sabra said...

I'm not a big teller-of-blogger-what-to-do (esp such respectable and respected and self-respected bloggers such as yourself) but eppes it seems like deleting 3/4 of this comment thread might be the appropriate thing to do.

(nemo, shush)

The Real Shliach said...

Appropriate? Yes. But this is America, where propriety is hardly appropriate.

the sabra said...

What was that, Frierdiker Rebbe? America IZ andersh? Funny, and all these years I thought there was a 'nisht' in there...

The Real Shliach said...

The Rosh Yeshiva in YOEC, the Lubavitvh Yeshiva in LA, once called me over to his table and inquired, in his wonderful smoker's growl, "What are you doing next year?" This was just two or three weeks before Yeshiva was over, so he had every right to know. I replied, "Last night you Farbrenged about living in the moment, not always planning ahead and forgetting that everything is dependent on NOW." He gave me a great big smile, shook my hand, and proclaimed loudly, "Touché".
VD"L

The Real Shliach said...

Are you or are you not in fact a maven? You're comment is ambiguous, though you seem to have gotten the general gist.