Thursday, October 2, 2008

Still in my salad days

As I sit here blogging, there are two people debating about 600 miles away. I'm not listening, nor watching, because honestly I have very little patience for this type of activity. Instead I'm listening to Lipa Schmeltzer's Oichiloo (in honor of Mussaf) and blogging (but you figured that last one out already). Oh, now I'm listening to the Miami Alumni sing Ilu, my one guilty pleasure in these ten days of awe that we're all currently experiencing in one form or another. OK, that song has ended, and now it's Ana Elokim from Chaim Israel. If you're scared that today's post will focus solely on my iTunes library then I'm sure you'll be happy to find out that this is not the case. No, today's focus will instead be on something that is so vital to America that it surprises me greatly whenever it's left out of the Salade Croustillante Terre et Mer which is the media's treatment of the important issue which are facing us. It's funny, I search Google for "complicated salad recipe" and all I can find is recipes that promise to deliver great taste without the complication. Hello, doesn't anyone ever want complication in their lives? Am I the only one here who wishes to take a serious look at this country's salad-eating habits and produce a truly spectacular salmon and scallop terrine with frisee salad. I don't even know what a terrine or a frisee is. And yes, I know that scallops aren't Kosher, though many people do seem to cook them with Kosher salt. In case anyone is interested, I'm currently listening to the Yossi Green Medley from Hasc 20, which happens to be one of the most beautiful medleys of all time and space. I am not joking.
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One of the many things which can occasion an upset stomach is the overeating following a day of penitential fasting. Another cause of distraught tummys is the reading of material calculated to give offense in the strongest manner to anyone who subscribes to the beliefs occasioned therein.
Here's an interesting little piece from the middle seventies. Enjoy.

BBC TRANSCRIPT TO BE USED IN WAKE OF NUCLEAR ATTACK

This is the Wartime Broadcasting Service. This country has been attacked with nuclear weapons. Communications have been severely disrupted, and the number of casualties and the extent of the damage are not yet known. We shall bring you further information as soon as possible. Meanwhile, stay tuned to this wavelength, stay calm and stay in your own homes.

Remember there is nothing to be gained by trying to get away. By leaving your homes you could be exposing yourselves to greater danger.

If you leave, you may find yourself without food, without water, without accommodation and without protection. Radioactive fall-out, which followed a nuclear explosion, is many times more dangerous if you are directly exposed to it in the open. Roofs and walls offer substantial protection. The safest place is indoors.

Make sure gas and other fuel supplies are turned off and that all fires are extinguished. If mains water is available, this can be used for fire-fighting. You should also refill all your containers for drinking water after the fires have been put out, because the mains water supply may not be available for very long.

Water must not be used for flushing lavatories: until you are told that lavatories may be used again, other toilet arrangements must be made. Use your water only for essential drinking and cooking purposes. Water means life. Don't waste it.

Make your food stocks last: ration your supply, because it may have to last for 14 days or more. If you have fresh food in the house, use this first to avoid wasting it: food in tins will keep.

If you live in an area where a fall-out warning has been given, stay in your fall-out room until you are told it is safe to come out. When the immediate danger has passed the sirens will sound a steady note. The "all clear" message will also be given on this wavelength. If you leave the fall-out room to go to the lavatory or replenish food or water supplies, do not remain outside the room for a minute longer than is necessary.

Do not, in any circumstances, go outside the house. Radioactive fall-out can kill. You cannot see it or fell it, but it is there. If you go outside, you will bring danger to your family and you may die. Stay in your fall-out room until you are told it is safe to come out or you hear the "all clear" on the sirens.

Here are the main points again:

Stay in your own homes, and if you live in an area where a fall-out warning has been given stay in your fall-out room, until you are told it is safe to come out. The message that the immediate danger has passed will be given by the sirens and repeated on this wavelength. Make sure that the gas and all fuel supplies are turned off and that all fires are extinguished.

Water must be rationed, and used only for essential drinking and cooking purposes. It must not be used for flushing lavatories. Ration your food supply: it may have to last for 14 days or more.

We shall repeat this broadcast in two hours' time. Stay tuned to this wavelength, but switch your radios off now to save your batteries until we come on the air again. That is the end of this broadcast.
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And that is the end of this edition of TRS. Remember, in the event of a nuclear blast, do not leave your computer for even a moment. In the event of a financial catastrophe, the likes of which the world is currently enjoying, do not leave your chair. TRS will be along to save the day, as soon as he's figured out the menu for Yom Kippur lunch. Again, I repeat, do not leave your chair. The economy is in shambles, it's all (insert your favorite jello flavor here)'s fault, and there's nothing you can do about it. So stay tight, and remember that the only thing we have to fear is the the government itself.

8 comments:

nemo said...

Congress will soon vote on the bailout. Please say tehillim for all members of the House, as well as world financial markets.

Your tehillim is even more potent during these yemei hadin.

(If there has ever been a time that I was serious on TRS, it might be now. It has been a painful week for this unsavvy investor)

Think about the alternative: if Congress doesn't pass this vote, we may go into depression next week. It will take months, if not years for the free market to regain it's confidence and take control. In the interim, we will all feel the pain. Banks will refuse credit: you won't be able to use credit cards, get school loans, retire, buy a house or car or business. Markets will plunge as more and more jobs will are lost and companies go under and declare bankruptcy. To add insult to injury, all the rich European banks will buy up American assets.

nemo said...

And the biggest travesty of all, is that Chabad news sites hardly have even mentioned this ... All the innocent folks in Crown Heights won't know what hit them when Tzeddaka funds dry up and their big donors just stop forking over the checks.

nemo said...

IT PASSED!!

Hallelu-jah!!

(now, let's see if it works ...)

The Real Shliach said...

You know Nemo, a lot of people do not like this deal. Lefi Anias Daati, nothing that drastic is going to happen in any case. There have been prophets of doom for thousands of years (Isiah, Jeremiah, Chaim Rubin, etc.), and except for the destruction of one or two Temples and the fall nine or ten empires they've generally proven to be on the wrong side of history.
So sit back, take a chill pill, and watch the Steelers lose (btw, why are you a Steelers fan?).

Nemo said...

Dude, this is frikking reality, not the prediction of some hapless clairvoyant. When economies stop lending, as ours is doing, they fall into depression. Do you know how many businesses have shut down in the past two weeks? Check out http://www.billheard.com/ ... the biggest auto dealership in the country shut down and laid off all of it's employees. Banks are shutting down left and right ...

This may only be the beginning of it if things don't change quickly.

Re: the Steelers

I'm from Pittsburgh!

The Real Shliach said...

Well that explains it.

Cheerio said...

where do you find this stuff?!!
the second to last sentence gave me a brilliant idea - i think you should do a mad lib for joshua that we, the readers, get to fill out, and the best version stays up.
whatdya think?

The Real Shliach said...

Which shtuff?

And yes, that's a good idea...