Like it is

I am a crew member of that ship of fools, the sneering liberal elite, a cheerleader of the chattering classes, a loathsome Labour luvvie, a champagne socialist a – goddammit – a celebrity, a twittering celebrity dripping with the sickening syrup of popular culture, political correctness and nauseating kneejerk liberalism that is the leading symptom if not the primary cause of our national decay. It is as if all nature conspired to make a living suppurating mass, a walking purulent bolus compounded of all the poison and pus that oozes and weeps from the sores of today’s Britain and gave it legs, life and a name.

-Stephen Fry

Dear TRS: Happy?

That's right folks, it's time for another exciting edition of Dear TRS, the quiz show you get to play along with too! Enjoy.
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Dear TRS: Why have you become all holy lately?

Sincerely,

Karl

Dear Karl,

Censorship is an interesting phenomenon. Some people are censored by the government, others by their own conscience, others by their own lack of restraint. The punishment for trying to avoid censorship varies as well. In some places the attitude is one of benevolent allowance-try us as much as you want, ain't nothing getting through... but ten points for trying! In other places they not only control what you say but punish you for trying to say it. In those places it's, "What? You dare trifle with me? Guards, go break his legs!" Neither of these approaches really accomplishes what it is that the censor is trying to effect-his job is not simply to remove objectionable material, but rather to remove the conditions that allow for the material to ever get to him in the first place. All right, if the censor is just looking for entertainment then he can have plenty of that with the status quo, but then he's not really the ideal censor. No, what you're really looking for is a guy who can convince the producer of the objectionable material that what he's doing is wrong. Not illegal, but wrong. And yeah, I know it's asking a lot of a pencil pusher sitting in some anonymous government highrise somewhere in the middle of the bible belt to radically affect some radical hippy cross-dressing dudes wearing floral print dresses and floppy straw hats with little pins that say "Free Tibet!" on 'em to make much of a difference, but trust me, it is possible. How do they do it, this select band of censors with soul, this prized group of bowdlerizers with the breath of divine life flowing through their parched bones (for how can a person whose whole being is dedicated to the muzzling of their fellows have anything but the driest of Ezekiel valley special?), these suppressionists with a sense of mission, a belief in the ultimate goal that has eluded so many?

The answer is very simple. Guilt.
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Dear TRS: Why do they use phones to call in guys from the bullpen? Wouldn't texting be much easier?

Sincerely,

Snert

Dear Snert,

Even better, they could tweet it! Just imagine, the manager tweets, "@Orlando Mercado Joe Mauer just walked, we need @Darren Oliver in here pronto!" And the tweet back? "@Mike Scioscia the fireman cometh!"
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Dear TRS: Is there any specific reason why the Twins had to blow the game tonight?

Sincerely,

Joe and Jason

Dear Joe and Jason,

Well, you two certainly did everything that could be expected of you. It's been a tough road trip, eh?
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Dear TRS: Why the heck does Iran have twelve vice presidents?

Sincerely,

Karl (again)

Dear Karl,

The president must have a lot of vices.
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Dear TRS: Since when did it become socially acceptable to roll hoops?

Sincerely,

Mackenzi Van Engelenhoven

Dear Mackenzi Van Engelenhoven, let me first tell you that I really appreciate your question. No, really, I do.
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Dear TRS:

I'm very insulted if my name doesn't appear at least twice in every publication in America,

Sincerely,

Barack H. Obama
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Dear Mr. Obama, happy?
_____________
And that folks is the end of the line. Did you enjoy playing the quiz show you get to play along with too?

That wiped bit has got to go

Once again we've come to a crossroads we have. Which path to take? Good question. Religion beckons, undoubtedly spurred on by the increasing numbers of people indulging in this dangerous opiate of the masses. On the other hand you have the renunciation of all forms of organized worship, which merely results in depression and processed foods. "Oh," you say, "processed foods? Surely you jest! With the abandonment of the religion of our fathers comes ample opportunity to partake of the potpourri that is the kosherless restaurant!" Well, sorry to break it to you buster, but there ain't no highway back to Krenitz, and there's no cash inside that rhyme either. Seriously, what's the fun of frieing out if you're as poor as a Vermont jackal? And don't tell me it's not all about taavos. If it wasn't all about taavos then there wouldn't be petting zoos or grass gardens or such excitements on Saturday nights. Come to think of it, there wouldn't be poetry slams floppy hats with flowers on 'em either. I guess then that it's all for the best.

Meanwhile, in other news, I've been kicking around ideas for a brand new cult/investment opportunity. Who will be the next Bernie Madoff? After all, records were made to be broken, and the only thing Americans love more than making money is making more money. Which is right where Mr. Madoff comes in. You make money, he takes it in, cuddles a bit with it, and BOOM! there he is, in the slammer, and your precious change is down the drain like a bottle of Diet Coke. No brain enhancing here either, it's the real deal for anyone planning on starving the rest of their life.

What I mean to say is that there's really no reason to do anything immoral or illegal or not cricket; all you have to do is convince people to give you their money or something similar. As far as I can tell this is the principle that hedge-funds have built themselves around. No mistakes here, this is the real deal, and anyone with half a brain and twice the wallet would be strongly encouraged to invest now, because these attractive rates aren't going to last long. Oh no, they won't be, not with the way this economy is shaping up, and with the next installment of this that is or was or will be or possibly hasn't not been in a sort of thingamabob (as distinguished from a thingamajiggie by the length of its nose [duh {who didn't know that?}!]) because that's just the way it is.

You got that? Even if you didn't it's okay, because I also didn't. Which is exactly why a prospectus like the one presented here will make it past the SEC people. They've gotten really scared of things they don't understand lately (like the economy), so it's a good idea to give impenetrable ideas a wide berth, and possibly even cross the street when you get to them. But here it's all cut and pasted and suchlike, so there's no worries, those financial regulators don't have a chance. Crazy thing, that, but it might just work. Just make sure to follow through in California-that way, even if you're arrested, they'll probably let you go once the next recession starts, which is gonna be any day now.

And now we've come to the end of the line. I hope all you "I want original material and I'll keep on writing comments until I get it" people are happy with the fruits of your labor. Sure, I had some great shlichus shtories and whatknacks to keep you entertained, but I followed by audience's desires, and here we ended up. Ha!

Locally Lawrence

So I could either write some brilliant new genius shtuff and get not so much sleep, or else I could clue you in to some fascinating shtuff that went down a little while ago in Kansas and Missouri. I mean seriously folks, in the grand scheme of things, whether the world is 5769 years old or 13 billion years old, two years is the merest blink of the proverbial eye. So here's an account of a little local bikur bayis, followed by a journey to the darkest depths known to humanity. Yup.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

My friend Sruli Clapman and I just got back from a house call in Leawood, Kansas. There's a very nice elderly couple living there, and we were coming to check their Mezuzos. First, of course, we exchanged histories. He was born to Jewish parents in Salt Lake City, Utah, but had no Jewish contact until he met his current wife, in Omaha. She's involved with the Chabad here in Kansas City, and had asked for us to come. The first Mezuzah-case that we looked at had no scroll. The second had a piece of paper in it. The third had a piece of parchment, but it was obviously not Kosher. So we put up five Mezuzos, which is really tremendous. Might be a little expensive in the short run, but they protect you and all you own, for eternity, or your next scheduled oil tuneup, whichever comes first.

Following the Mezuzos, we asked the man of the house if he would like to put on Tefillin. He hemmed and hawed a bit, but his wife soon put a stop to that. 45 seconds later he had phylacteries on his head. The first time too. Amazing, isn't it, that a Jewish man can go 85+ years without checking his Jewish blood pressure! And then it was time to go, but not before cooing over their great-grandson, who is quite cute, I must say.

Friday, July 20, 2007

A couple of nights back we went to Lawrence to learn some Torah with the locals. Lawrence is the home of Kansas University, and I learned Kuntres Inyana Shel Toras HaChassidus with a student. We'll call him Charles. Sorry about the plug there, it was just one of those things that had to be done. Essentially, this work explains why Chassidus is so important. After all, we have the Torah, the Mishna, the Talmud, the Kabbala, the Medrash, the Codifiers, and the great Halachic authorities. Who needs Chassidus? I won't spoil the surprise, so go pick up a copy and find out.

Officially we sell books on Merkos Shlichus. OK, not only officially, but something tells me that a little more emphasis was put on it forty years ago than today. Just a hunch. Anyway, I'm just doing my part.

After the learning was done we settled down to a Farbrengen with Rabbis Wineberg and Teichtel. It's great to be able to sit with guys who really don't have too much contact with the rest of the Lubavitch world, and who look for inspiration from Yeshiva guys like me. Me! Sure, I'm great and all, but I don't really see myself as too inspirational. (If anyone disagrees they can post a comment). See, guys in Yeshiva look up to the Shluchim, and rightly so. These people are on the front line of the battle for Jewish survival, and they're doing an incredible job! Meanwhile the Shluchim (some of them anyway) are pining for their days in Yeshiva, where a guy can be surrounded by people like himself all day and just learn and pray and all those things to his heart's content.

Sorry this is so needlessly soppy.

Anyway, we all enjoyed the Farbrengen (and the excellent pickles) and then we headed back to KC for the night. Morning. Whatever.

Chossanim versus drivers

Today I started Chosson classes. Exciting, eh? Anyway, it got me thinking about the last time I paid a lot of money for a small amount of classes-driver's ed. And wouldn't you know it, but they're not quite the same! Here's a few examples...

In chosson class you don't spend a third of the time watching Monty Python skits.

There are no seventeen year old girls wearing nothing in chosson class.

In drivers ed the instructor doesn't have a massive beard.

There's no learner's permit to get after taking chosson classes.

In drivers ed, the diagrams are there to tell you what to do.

In chosson classes, there are no videos.

No one leaves drivers ed thinking, "OMG, this is nuts!"

No one leaves chosson classes thinking, "Just a couple of hours of practice and I'll be good to go."

During the breaks in drivers ed people discuss what they just learned.

In drivers ed they also talk about you, the driver.

No one leaves driver's ed thinking, "Way too much detail there thank you very much."
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Have some of your own? Post 'em in the comments!

Where have you gone?

Tonight I ran into a bochur that I've known since I was a kid. He was putting on tefillin a few minutes before shekiah in a basement shul somewhere in Crown Heights. Instead of a har and jacket, he was wearing the most ridiculously low shorts I have ever seen-another inch and they would have been too-small pants. He also had a grey t-shirt on (no tzitzis), and lacked the large beard which used to accompany his face. The last I saw of him he'd been a relatively normal bochur. What happened?

I suppose there's lots of blame to spread around when a bochur leaves the path of his comrades. His mother for pushing him too hard, convinced her son was a genius and constantly trying to get him into the higher class, the better yeshiva? Or how about his friends, more interested in guitar than gemara, preferring Coltrane to Chassidus and F sharp to Farbrengens. Or maybe it's the fault of his teachers, who took him in expecting a genius and, discovering a very normal boy, never recovered from the shock and treated him as such?

Some would argue that in fact nothing terrible, nor even abnormal, happened here. Kid grows up, realizes it's easier to live life if you don't have to serve the G-d of the ancient hebrews, and there you have it-kid fries out. Pleasant thought, eh? So maybe it's the kid's fault. I don't know. I'm no expert on the matter in general, certainly not in this particular case. But you should know that it bothered me.

Oh, of course, it was a beautiful thing. Reb Levi Yitzchok of Berditchev would be proud. But does that mean we have to be proud? After all, what Reb Levi saw when he beheld those Jews smoking on shabbos was not what the rest of the people saw. Do the rest of the people have an obligation to sacrifice their and their children's religious affiliation because an ex-Lubavitcher has decided to park himself in Crown Heights? Or do we always have to strive to look for the good and positive?

I don't know.

Boy Lala!

Today I started learning about Chanuka. You ask why? That's a perfectly legitimate question. After all, the holiday doesn't begin for many moons. But you know what? My favorite Maamarim are those on Chanuka, because they deal with essential issues of Judaism. You're right, all Maamarim deal with essential issues of Judaism. So what's your point?

So today's Maamar, V'al Hanisim 1969, deals with the essential conflict between the Assyrian-Greek hordes and the tiny band of brothers who we know today as the Maccabees. Back then they knew 'em as the Hammers. Sort of like a basketball team, just without a very deep bench. (Was that analogy forced? You betcha). So what was the fight about? G-d, of course. The Assyrian-Greek hordes (from now on known as, well, whatever I call them) didn't particularly like G-d very much. They didn't mind if you kept the Torah; that's a beautiful thing. Even the Mitzvos which man can't understand they were fine with, because after all, intellect is infinite (or so they thought), so there must be a reason somewhere. But to follow the Torah because G-d said to? Heresy! And then they went around killing Jews. How typical, eh? If every anti-semite went around slaughtering Jews, where would we be?

As usual, I could go much deeper into this topic, but then your eyes would glaze over your brain would go to sleep, and I'd be stuck preaching to myself. So instead I'll just repeat that forever I am yours. Or something very much like that.

Meanwhile, in other news, now that you've obviously read this whole post, you should know that of course it's ancient (though edited), and that there's a new HH up. Enjoy.

There's no countenancing

A poem. By me. For you. Yup:

There's no money after twelve

and there's no countenancing things either

like why is it that after you become engaged

you're suddenly the expert on relationships

marriage

dating

all that jazz?

and another thing

why is it

that no one appreciates the good oldies

though they say they do

and they'd rather read

the new and ugly?

because really

there's much better shtuff out there

but no

they want new

innovative

garbage

even though

as I say

they say

they'd rather stick with the classics

but it's not true

who knows?

beats me claude

Say it ain't so!

Everyone knows that it's a big merit to marry the daughter of a talmid chacham. After all, what's the first question out of your lips when the shadchan comes a'calling about this great girl from a fine family? You don't ask if she's highly attractive, if her parents invested their life savings with Warren Buffett in 1964, or if her brothers were MVPs of their basketball teams at Camp Haka in 1994. No my friends, you ask if her father is a genuine, A-OK, 100 percent American certified Talmid Chacham. Oh yeah.

Well folks, sorry to burst your bubble, but you were born about five hundred years too late. Why? Because there are no talmidei chachamim nowadays.

For example, a Jew is not allowed to go to sleep on a boat that's tied to the bank of a river on shabbos if he knows that a non-Jew will come along and row, row, row that boat gently down the stream and over to the other bank. Why not? Because he knows the non-Jew is gonna come and move that momma-who is he fooling?

On the other hand, a talmid chacham is allowed to sleep there, or to say he's going to sleep there, even though he knows full well that when he "wakes up" he's going to find himself on a new side of town. Why? Go look it up (מסכת שבת קלט עמוד ב). However, nowadays this isn't permitted, because there ain't no talmidei chachamim who can pull stunts like this.

So now you're gonna say, "Hey boy, wait a minute there, there's only no talmidei chachamim who can pull a stunt like that-but just regular old plain talmidei chachamim with eligible daughters? There's plenty of those! (c.f. New Jersey, Lakewood)" Well sorry to rock your boat wiseguy, but you're wrong.

In the Alter Rebbe's Shulchan Aruch (סימן שיד, הלכה כ) it says that a talmid chacham is allowed to plug a hole in a barrel with a piece of food and say that he's doing it to protect the food, when in reality he's doing it to protect whatever's inside the barrel. Even if this talmid chacham doesn't use the legal fiction it's not really so bad, because covering the barrel for the purposes of covering a barrel is only forbidden by the rabbis (under the prohibition of fixing a vessel). Besides, this guy's a talmid chacham, he wouldn't do something like this without employing a legal fiction anyway.

However, it is forbidden for an עם הארץ to do this, because we don't trust him to employ a legal fiction when he's doing it. Basically, the guy has no clue what he's doing, and the chances of him saying the right things to the right people at the right time are practically nil.

There are some (the Rambam among them) who permit even an עם הארץ to do this trick, and we rely on these words for a talmid chacham, even though for everything else there aren't any talmidei chachamim left.

What does this mean? That's right folks, ain't no stopping us now! I mean, it means that for all practical purposes (besides for closing holes in barrels with chicken bones) there are no talmidei chachamim left. Yup, next time some poor Bobover chosson comes up to you in 770 begging for money for his chasuna, claiming that his father is a big talmid chacham and has seventeen kids besides, tell him he's a liar!

Then give him five bucks, because that's the nice thing to do.

Some important questions

What is it to die?

What is it to be Italian?

Do they have decent pizza in the next world?

Do they have decent pizza in Italy?

Can Jews get sausage on their pizza in the next world?

Can Jews get sausage on their pizza in Italy?

Do the Jewish pizza parlors in the mountains in the next world close early on Saturday nights?

Do the Jewish pizza parlors in the mountains in Italy close early on Saturday nights?

Does death hurt?

Does being Italian hurt?

Are there angels and demons in the next world?

Are there angels and demons in Italy?

Do the angels and demons ride Vespas in the next world?

Do the angels and demons ride Vespas in Italy?

Do the angels and demons eat pizza on their Vespas in the next world?

Do the angels and demons eat pizza on their Vespas in Italy?

Does pizza taste better when it's eaten while riding on a Vespa in the next world?

Does pizza taste better when it's eaten while riding on a Vespa in Italy?

Do you get more pizza if you rant well in the next world?

Do you get more pizza if you rant well in Italy?

Do the angels and demons in the next world look kindly upon those who rant in order to increase their pizza?

Do the angels and demons in Italy look kindly upon those who rant in order to increase their pizza?

Do the mafia coordinate with the angels and demons in the next world?

Do the mafia coordinate with the angels and demons in Italy?

Does Silvio Berlusconi have a place in the next world?

Does Silvio Berlusconi have a place in Italy?

Is Garibaldi beloved in the next world?

Is Garibaldi beloved in Italy?

Does Garibaldi enjoy eating pizza on a Vespa while ranting after death?

Does Garibaldi enjoy eating pizza on a Vespa while ranting in Italy?

Does the moon hit your eye like a big pizza pie in the next world?

Does the moon hit your eye like a big pizza pie in Italy?

Is the next world at all comparable to Italy?

Is Italy at all comparable to the next world?

(and so on and so forth)