Rubbish

Dear California Astrology Association,

I would like to thank you so much for all your wonderful help with the car. You see, I needed three thousand dollars by Monday to keep my car; otherwise the bank would repossess it and I'd have no way to drive around. I decided to get a money spell cast for me, and amazingly enough, it worked! Just three days after you cast the money spell my great uncle died in a car crash, and he left me three thousand dollars in his will! It's so convenient, because now I still have a car to drive to his funeral! Once again, thanks so much,

Patty
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Dear California Astrology Association,

One year ago my boyfriend dumped me, and I've been despondent ever since. I emailed your witch Andreika, and she promised to help me. Two weeks after that I received a phone call from my former boyfriend's mother, telling me that he was dying in a hospital, and could I come and see him? I realized that this was the moment I'd been waiting for, and I rushed down to the hospital to see him. As soon as I stepped into his room I knew that something powerful was happening, and I was determined to fulfill my mission. I knelt down by his bed, placed my hand in his hand, and he said, "Jane". Then he died. His mother said that she was happy that he had died happy and fulfilled. I too feel happy and fulfilled now, knowing that he died happy and fulfilled.

Sincerely,

Jane
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Dear California Astrology Association,

I never believed in astrology, or magic, or anything like that, but then I saw Harry Potter and I decided to try it out for myself. I was so disappointed that I couldn't attend Hogwarts, but I bought your kit and used it. Heeding its warning to only use the kit in the direst of emergencies, I saved it until I really needed it-I was so thirsty that day, you wouldn't believe, and there was no water available in the whole building! I used the Witch Doctor Spell Kit, and within minuted a repairman came! It was incredible! Once again, thanks so much,

Georgiana
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(hat tip Modeh)

Harry Reid’s Salvation

There’s been a lot of talk lately about health care in these United States. There’s been much debate about public options, death panels, and Nancy Pelosi, but there’s been one issue that seems not to have been addressed. This issue is preventative health, and I have a stunning solution that’ll keep you out of hospital rooms and in the brightest bloom of health for years to come.

First let’s examine what the core issue is: happiness, or lack thereof. You may not know it, but very few people in this world are immortal. In fact, the numbers are so small as to be inconsequential. The vast majority of people will die one day. Scary, but true. What’s the solution to this? I don’t think there is one. People will just go on being born and dying, and there’s nothing you or I can do about it. So what’s the whole issue with health care? After all, if everyone is just going to die anyway, who cares if they do it half an hour earlier or later? Obviously there must be more to do it than that. The answer is, as I wrote earlier, happiness. People want good health care because they’re happy with life, and they want it to continue. Or maybe they want good health care because they have a terrible life and they think it’ll get better if they have good health care. See how complicated it is? If bloggers have a difficult time coming to grips with the issue, imagine how difficult it must be for members of congress, who are too busy wasting the public’s money (actually, at this point it’s China’s money) to ever use their brains, to comprehend it. Especially when the bill is over 1,500 pages long, and most of these people can barely read enough to figure out if the soda they’re getting from the congressional cafeteria is diet or regular.

Be that as it may, the goal of health care is for the person undergoing treatment to be happier coming out than they were coming in. The goal of truly excellent health care is to make the person coming in so happy that they don’t even have to get any health care treatment. How is this to be accomplished? Very simple: make people happy. Obviously.

How to make people happy? Not so easy as all that, because of course there are different sorts of people and they get happy from different sorts of things. Some people become happy from feeling fulfilled, and others think this is a load of codswallop. Some people are happy when they see other people suffer, and some people are happy when these types of people are suffering themselves. Evidently, it’s difficult to make everybody happy all the time. Still, we could try our best, which is all that can really be asked of us. How to make the largest amount of people happy with the least amount of trouble? The answer is…

Cellphones!

That’s right. Sure, some people don’t like cellphones, and some other people think that true happiness comes from inner peace, but they’re a minority of people. Most everyone else would be much happier with a new cellphone (or even a cellphone accessory, we’re not picky), and think of the benefits to society- shorter lines in the emergency room, less people crowding our cemeteries, and global peace and glory descending on humanity. All from a simple cellphone. Remarkable? I’ll let you decide that.

Still included

The following was written two years ago, and it's quite pertinent, and anyway, the original only got two comments, so...

Today, like all days, is a very special day. Exactly 20 years ago the Lubavitcher Rebbe finished saying Kaddish for his wife, the Rebbitzen. And the Chasidish Bochurim in LA finally got some sleep. See, the Rebbe's Davening would be played in the Zal for all those Bochurim who wanted to hear it. In New York, it wasn't so tough. After all, the Rebbe would begin prayers at 10:00. Yes, I understand that there was a whole goral thing going on for admittance, but even if you didn't luck out, you could still listen without too much effort. Rabbi Wolfman in Morristown told us of his days in Yeshiva, in Morristown, that he had a room mate who would Daven Shacharis, in the room, while the Rebbe was Davening Mincha, which was played over the PA in the whole campus. Later this guy became an Elokist. That's why I'm not mentioning any names. Rabbi Wolfman theorized that he went crazy because he would be Davening to G-d, hearing the Rebbe, and mix up the two. But that's just a theory. Anyway, back to those brave Bochurim in LA, so yeah, they had to be in Zal at 7:00 AM. And to hear the Rebbe Davening without going to Mikve first? Horrors. By the way, I wasn't in LA in those years. More's the pity. I was a mere tyke of two. Anyway, once the Rebbe finished up the year, those Bochurim, like CCL, could get some more sleep.

Speaking of sleep, last night I didn't get enough. But what of it? The really annoying thing was that I was falling asleep for Korbanos through the 18 Benedictions, but once I got to Tachanun I was fine. It's annoying because 1. I wouldn't have Davened the beginning so quickly,and 2. Now even if I tried I wouldn't be able to sleep.

The reason I didn't get enough sleep is because last night I picked up a book called, "The Cantonists." It's one of the most terrible things I've ever read, especially contrasted with this week's Parsha. Both featured horrible Goyim, which is something I've come to expect. The abuse that these (literally) babies went through is more than I can comprehend. Most of us would collapse after two or three birch canings. These guys took 1000 and kept their faith. But yeah, as I said, I've come to expect this kind of treatment from Goyim. After all, as the holy books say Eisav Sonei Yisrael. What's really disturbing is what the Jews did. In Egypt, the taskmasters would let themselves be beaten so as to avoid whipping their fellow Jews. In Russia, many Jews made a business of capturing children. The official community establishment itself would help these people commit their nefarious crimes. I don't have the patience to describe all the horrors that occurred in that generation, so get the book yourselves. It's important for us to know why we have to hate the whole world. Or something like that.

Yes we can

As many people by now know, I spent a year on Shlichus at MyYeshiva in Cottage Grove, MN. There haven't been that many Bochurim to come through the yeshiva, and even fewer Shluchim, but that's okay, because MyYeshiva wasn't established to be a place for the masses. Sure, it would be nice for the Yeshiva to have lots of kids, but that's really not what it's there for. The Yeshiva is there for the kids who might otherwise slip through the cracks, the kids who would be one and done at a cookie-cutter Yeshiva. I've never been in another Yeshiva where literally every member of the staff spends hours agonizing about each kid.

What's the issue then? The issue is that, without some serious help, MyYeshiva will close down. This would not be a good thing. What do I expect my fellow bloggers to do? Well, I hardly expect anyone to give some of the $620,000 that is needed to keep MyYeshiva afloat, but I'm sure everyone can think of something they can help with. For some people, that might mean joining the "Save MyYeshiva" thingie on FB, while for others it might mean not writing snarky comments on this here post (a difficult task, I know).

For more info, read the following links:

Yeshiva Blues-American Jewish News

Saving Yeshiva High-The Pioneer Press

Twin Cities Media, Citizens, Help To Save Minnesota Yeshiva-Lubavitch.com

JM Blogger Awards: The Real Shliach

Best Album: Taamu – Benny Friedman. Not even close. This album is great for a couple reasons, notably because Benny’s voice is extraordinary (have any one else singing most of these songs and they’re “nice”, but not brilliant) and the song selection is so good (have Benny sing any other songs and his star does not shine so brightly…). It’s this truly superb combination of Benny’s voice and the album’s composition that really blew me away, and that made this my album of the year. Heck, has there ever been another album that referenced Likkutei Sichos in the liner notes? Awesome!

Best Song: Yaavducha – Benny Friedman. Sure, this song is on Benny’s album, and it’s mainly sung by him, but its true genius lies in the collaborative effort that produced it. The Marcus Brothers have really nice voices, and hearing them together with Benny is a treat. Add to that this song, which is like a combo Carlebach on acid without the stress, and you’ve got a sure-fire winner. Seriously, I could listen to this song all day (I’ve done it a couple time) and not get sick- it’s sweeter and cuter than the sweetest and cutest (insert one of several Shlomo lines here), with another tang to keep it fresh for a long time.

Best Debut Album: Bezras Hashem – Beri Weber. Does this even make sense? How can it be that the best album of the year, the first album that the artist ever made, is not the debut album of the year? My only possibly excuse is that I’ve been listening to Benny sing for so long (we did both grow up in Minnesota) and so feel that he’s really not so new at all. Besides, I listened to Beri’s album obsessively until Taamu came out, and it’s really excellent. Maybe not so incredibly polished, but the song selection is really nice, especially the slow ones.

Best arrangement: No Lyrics (Benny Friedman) – Ian Freitor. Can there be any question? The instant kumzitz classic for the next decade.

Best Yiddish Song: Yiddish Medley – Avraham Fried. Yes, I loved Benny’s Emes, and the combo of Rabbi Manis Friedman and Lipa Schmeltzer is like a dream come true, but there’s something about a Chabad Niggun that really affects a person, really makes them think about what’s going on, where they’re coming from and where they’re headed to. The opener was of course redone several years ago by 8th Day, and that was nice, but the original Lubavitch melody really takes you places.

Best Concert DVD: Avraham Fried – Live in Israel. If Avraham Fried were to never make another album (not that I’m Ch”V suggesting something like that), I think this concert would be a fine retrospective of his long and distinguished career. Working through all the classics, with much higher sound quality than the originals, this album also showcases several new (for Avremel) songs, notably Rak Tefila, Unesane Tokef, and the truly beautiful and moving Mishehu Holech Tamid Iti. There’s also the classic Ribbono Shel Olam in a duet with Dudu Fisher, which shows much the same thing as Avremel’s duets with Yitzchok Meir Helfgot showed at Hasc a couple years back- he may not be a chazzan, but he’s still got one of the best voices in Jewish music.

JM Blogger Awards: The Real Shliach

TGL and his descendants

First thing's first, a big Mazal Tov to Reuven Kasten and his wife Tzipora (read about their wedding here) on the birth of a baby daughter. Mazal Tov also to Shmuelie and Hindy Bortunk (read about their wedding here) on the birth of their firstborn daughter. A fun time round for all, eh?

Meanwhile, in other news, it has come to my attention that today's Torah portion deals with that most noble of creatures, the lion. As you may well know, the lion, otherwise known as Panthera leo, is best known for having perfected what is known as the "male dominance" lifestyle, wherein the male sleeps all day and the female does all the hunting. Females may dispute this, and claim that responsibility equals power, but real lions know the truth.

The blood runneth in the streets

It's like a Krakatoan Russia.

(By A. Petrosian.)

In case ya'll are wondering why I'm not writing anything on this here humble blog (and merely posting other people's pictures), it's because today I wrote a whole long thing on this here humble blog, and now I'm all blogged out!

The man doth protest

The tall structure in the center is a part of Peter Paul fortress complex, where Alter Rebbe was imprisoned.

No, the sky is not always of this color in Petersburg. Only when Putin kills especially many oligarchs on the particular day.

(courtesy of the CA)

Inyanim

I had thought to continue my recent practice of commenting on the day's Torah portion, but though I had many questions while learning it I didn't encounter anything that was bloggable. Instead I'll relate a few matters which have been percolating in my mind over the last few days.

1. I spoke to a shadchan regarding a friend of mine a few days ago, and at the end of our comversation she said something along the lines of, "I give you a brocha that when it's time for you to go through this you should have-" At this point I interupted her and said, "Actually, I already-", at which point she interupted me, saying, "What? You're ready?" in an extremely excited voice. I hated to disillusion her, but these these things must be done, so I said, "Oh, no sorry, I was saying that I'm already married." She gave a very disappointed "Oh." to that one.

2. Today, after much annoyance and heartache, not to mention schlepping, I managed to get the rest of our shtuff toiveled. le7 is quite happy.

3. I would just like to point out to all the Lubavitch drivers of fancy SUVs that when the pedestrian has the right of way, and you come screaming through your turn, looking for all the world as if your going to cross paths with him, he will stop. Just because the pedestrian has the right of way doesn't mean he's suicidal. Now, if you stop, the pedestrian will begin to excercise his rights once again and cross the street. This is not, repeat not, a good time to honk at him and gesture rudely through your window. Just saying.

Disenfranchised kids

Interesting that Hashem spoke to Yaakov all the time, but not to his kids. For example, in the previous several parshas, we've found lots of interesting stories with the tribes, including many questionable decisions that they made. You would think that the age of G-dly communication has ended, and now people have been left on earth with only their own intuition and abilities. Then what happens? G-d comes to Jacob and has a whole conversation (Genesis 46, 2)! Where was G-d when Joseph was missing (yes, I know the Sicha that's brought down in the Gutnick Chumash on this very point), or when Judah had the whole thing with Tamar, or when Yosef was in Egypt, or when the brothers came down to him? In fact, this appears to be one of the few cessations in prophecy during the entire Tanach! What's most interesting, to me at least, is that the three forefathers all talked to G-d on a regular basis. Moses, Aaron, David, and Solomon, all talked to G-d on a regular basis. Yet do we ever find that he ever spoke with any if the twelve tribes?