Saturday, September 27, 2008

1st annual TRS 10 predictions for the new year!

Rosh Hashanah is rapidly approaching. What more can I write? The day or reckoning is upon us, and only the most fool-hardy of spirit dare ignore its clarion call. Thus TRS steps into the breach, confident in the fore-knowledge of his own ultra-hyphenated predictor of success, and assured that no matter how badly he misuses the English language he will escape scot-free, for vengeance on a personal scale is nigh, or perhaps it is nigh impossible.

Having said all that, I think that it's now time for the 1st annual TRS predictions for the new year post! With special guest Joshua! Oh the joy!

"So Joshua, are you all ready for another fantastic predictions post?"
"Well, yeah, I'm ready, but it's not 'another', this is the first one!"
"You know, it's nitpicking like yours which can really get a guy down. Regardless, would you do us all the honor of making the first prediction?"
"Sure. Ok, let me see...Prediction number one for 5769: The Jews will complain about the new Prime Minister in Israel, doesn't matter who it is."
"That sounds about right. Those Jews, huh? Always complaining. And now for Prediction number two: The Shemtov family will love whoever wins the US presidential election.
"Well, it doesn't take a TRS to figure that one out."
"Thanks for your moral support, Joshua. Why don't you say the next one-I'll bet you never would have thought this one would happen."
"Prediction number three: At least nine Tzfatim will be arrested this coming year, and they'll blame it all on Yudel."
"See, I knew you'd never guess that one. How about this? Prediction number four: Hechsher Tzedek will certify Spam."
"Brilliant, absolutely brilliant. Some people try to do the right thing, and all you can do is make fun of them. How absolutely typically TRS'ish. Mine here is much better: Prediction number five: Lipa Schmeltzer will get banned by someone, for something, and then go do whatever it was he got banned for in an even more spectacular manner. And the entire blogosphere will as one applaud this."
"Oh yeah, that was much nicer. A bunch of Rabbis are trying to justify their power, and here you go one abusing them. I'm ashamed of you Joshua. Prediction number six: There will be no hit movie with the words 'varicose vein' in the title."
"Um, what's up with that?"
"I've always wanted to see Hollywood produce a blockbuster with those words in the title. Don't you think that would sound good?"
"Not particularly. This next Prediction (number seven), however, should prove to be more accurate: The oceans will rise fifteen feet, swamping Nevada and making Tennessee prime ocean side real estate."
"I won't even comment on that one, except to say that Prediction number eight: Matt Drudge will continue to deny the truth of global warming."
"We only have two more to go here, and I feel that I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Prediction number nine: The US economy will continue to be misunderstood by all those who get paid to understand it."
"You know, that one actually has a fair chance of being true. As everyone knows, no one knows what is going on."
"Are you going to continue babbling, or do I have to say the tenth one?"
"Never fear, it is here: Prediction number ten: The more things will change, the more they will the same, and this will apply particularly to the field of blogging."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I have no idea. You're the one who wrote these down."

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

Matzchik. (Kzat)

Nemo said...

Amen. And may the best candidate win ...

Leo de Toot said...

Dear Mr. R.S.
I've taped the list of Joshua's predications to my refrigerator and will check off each as it happens.
Perhaps the following could be considered ## 11, 12 etc.
A certain kosher meat plant in the midwest, in addition to everything else, will be found to be a front for an illegal casino and betting operation working out of its basement.
The New York Magazine will publish articles highlighting successful, intact and stable observant families.
The New York Times will acknowledge that the existence of the State of Israel is not the cause of every barbaric act promulgated by non-Israeli Middle East dwellers.
The Yankees will win the World Series in their new stadium which, it will turn out, is not actually being paid for by taxpayers.
Hopefully yours, Leo d T.

The Real Shliach said...

Anon: Thanks
Nemo: Of course he/she/it will.
LdT: Consider them added.

Nemo said...

Ok, while we're all making predictions:

13. Nemo will get a sweet summer internship at a top Philadelphia law firm, the partners of which will, at the end of the summer, offer to speak to some contacts of theirs at UPenn as well as offering to pay for two years of school, with a job waiting at the other end.

14. A NJ Shliach will ditch the glitz and glamor of Shlichus for an arduous starting level job doing collections for a ruined Wall Street firm. His efforts will be recognized by the board and he will be promoted to senior management.

All senior Shluchim in the tri-state area will claim him as their own - Herson, because he's from NJ; Butman, because he thinks he runs Manhattan; Shemtov and Kotlarsky will each try to lay claim to the Yungerman, because anyone over the $15m bracket is property of Chabad International. In the end, the only Shliach he will support will be his wife's uncle, who originally brought them down to suburban Jersey, who will whereby lose his Shlichus and be forced to open a Chai Center.

15. As a result of a bailout plan gone awry, American Yeshivos and Kollels will take out full page adds in the Israeli Hamodia and Yated Ne'eman, begging all the Kollels and Tomchei Shabbats to help them out as a favor after 60 years of sending Ma'os Chittim to Kupat Ha'ir. A new Psak from the most prominent of Gedolei Yisroel will summarily be issued, stating in certain terms that it's prohibited to spend money in Chutz L'Aretz.

16. Hamodia will print a human interest story about a 16 year old black girl from West Philly, who was able to return to graduate high school after friends and family supported her through an abortion.

17. The Steelers will win the Superbowl.

18. Washington, DC voters will break an election tie.

19. DansDeals will list a price mistake on flights to Australia for between Dec. 20th and January 10th.

The Real Shliach said...

13: I'll be praying for you.
14: What are you referring to here exactly?
15: Kupat Hair has got to be the most annoying Tzedaka organization in the known universe. They are so full of themselves, it's sick. I hope some hideous corruption, involving cash, call girls, and lobster is exposed.
16: But they won't put her picture in.
17: In your dreams.
18: CH"V.
19: Huh?

e said...

Concerning printing Tzippi Livni's picture: "We have always done things according to the Torah," said the editor, who declined to be named. "This is the way it was since the beginning of the world, and the way it shall remain."

What kind of horrible misrepresentation of the Torah is this? It was not that way since the world began. To the best of my knowledge, this is a chumra without any basis in halacha. To say that this has been this way is a lie. We haven't even not eaten pig since the world began--that only started in 2488. This is like the anti-Ivrit Haredi who said, "Gam Harambam Diber B'tiddish."

And then they wonder why young haredis get disillusioned when they discover that they were fed BS their whole lives...

Soon they're gonna say that we've banned 2-4 beats since the world began.

Nemo said...

14: no reference at all. Just making up a semi-plausible prediction.

18: DC voters have to feel good for something ...

19: Price mistakes ... you know, like getting a round-the-globe ticket for like $35 bucks ... he finds those sort of deals every once in a while.

Nemo said...

"2-4 beats"

Something to do with music?

e said...

Maybe the editor's words were taken out of context. Maybe he said that Torah has directed our lives since the world began.

And please, nobody say "They really never did print pictures of ladies since the world began, because by the time photography cam around, haredism had already came up with this chumra." That is not a good response. Whoever thought of writing it, shame on you. Go repent reconstructionist style and repair your ignorance.

e said...

Yes, I was referring to music.

The Real Shliach said...

e: You sound a bit disillusioned yourself. Is it time for another guest post?

Nemo: No taxation without representation!

As for Dan...I thought you meant he'd make the mistake. Now I understand.

e said...

Disillusioned ain't the word...

While the Hamodia-style more-frum-than-shulchan Aruch approach really pisses me off, I don't think I have enough to say on the topic to warrant a guest post.

TRS and Nemo, you're both officially accused of being online and having your ball gray whilst not being engaged solely in productive labor. Learn from example and go green.

The Real Shliach said...

e: In fact, all the Frum papers had pictures of Golda Meir back in the day.

e said...

god. hamodia should burn in hell

The Real Shliach said...

They're already stuck in Meah Shaarim and Bnei Brak! Where else can they go?

nemo said...

Hey, don't be dissing on Bnei Brak ... that was my home for a year!

In Bnei Brak they have representation without taxation :p