Monday, September 1, 2008

Joshua gets feisty!

You know what really gets me annoyed? It's not Gustav. Sure, this pathetic hurricane which did nothing to anybody upstaged S. Paul, but I understand that. What really gets my fur ruffled is all these stupid protesters who are making a mess of my city. Who do they think they are? If I went around chucking rocks through windows and destroying cop cars, I'd be put in jail, but these people claim that they have rights, that it's an expression of "free speech". Morons, they should all be shot.
Meanwhile, I've heard calls for a treatment of the possible sexist attitudes towards everyone's favorite soon to be grandmother/VP candidate. Once again, I'll be passing the buck to Joshua, and let him deal with the situation.

"Hail to thee Joshua, how goes the battle?"
"Hi."
"That's it? I go all Elizabethan on you, and all I get is a simple 'Hi'? How reprehensible your behavior has become."
"I'd love to talk, but I'm too put out by all the nonsense I've been hearing lately."
"Like what?"
"For example, some doddering old fool has announced that some beehive hairdoed' mother of five is to be his mate in the running for the highest office in the land. What gives man?"
"You approve not of this most brilliant of choices?"
"I think it's ridiculous. Women are fit only for the kitchen."
"Joshua, I'm surprised at you. Even if you really believe what you're saying, I thought that you were at least PC enough to keep your feelings to yourself."
"There is a time for sweet words, and another entirely for the truth to be released from the bounds which hold it captive. In other words, I've had enough with the proletariat running roughshod over the Bourgeoisie-down with the revolution! Let loose the hounds of capital, unbind the hands of social repression, apply the chains of lower-class sublimation, allow the domination of the masses!"
"That's all well and good for a baron of industry, but what does it have to do with women?"
"Sorry, I got a little carried away. Let me try again: Men of the world unite! For too long have out hands been shackled, our legs manacled, our manhood stampeded beneath the train of fury that hath wrought upon us this lowly creature that presumes to rise from its natural lowness and replace its crassness with an assumed power over its rightful owners. The usurper will fail, it must fail, for its success would auger a terror to terribly alliterative to behold. What sin have we done to deserve this fate, an end more terrible than any other the human mind could possibly comprehend. Has the power which in former days we called our own forever left us? Rise up men of the world, and proclaim to all and sundry that the time of our submission is over; no longer will horror be out lot. Look out, you women of the world, for the end of your posturing is nigh. Men of the world, unite!"
"Quite impressive."
"Thanks. It was all I could get up at the spur of the moment, but I hope you liked it."
"Yes. But tell me, do you really believe these things? Even the most conservative have swooned at the woman you despise."
"I don't despise her, I just think she should be at home taking care of a down syndrome child and keeping a close watch on her promiscuous daughter."
"You cad! How can you criticize the mother of a down syndrome child, or castigate the family of a candidate? Even your messiah has declared that these people are off limits, and he's said that he'll fire his people for commenting on her people's dealing with other people, or something very much like that."
"If I was bound by the pronouncements of that puppet of the vast left wing conspiracy to deliver America to her enemies and prepare for the second coming of Karl Marx, then I wouldn't be here pontificating on an obscure blog in the outskirts of humanity's drive for sanity."
"What? That made very little sense."
"All I'm trying to say here is that I'll say what I want, when I want, because despite what the current President seems to think, this is still America, and I can still say whatever I want."
"Actually, in many cases, it is illegal to incite people to do certain things."
"Yes, I suppose that's true."
"It's also funny that on the one hand you're quite elitist, and seemingly an upstanding right-winger, and at the same time you harbor a visceral hatred for the people who currently inhabit the big house on Pennsylvania Avenue."
"I'm actually a big fan of the Junior Bush in the White House. No matter how many mind-numbingly stupid things he may have been accused of doing in the past eight years, he is still-"
"Joshua?"
"Did you just interrupt the eloquence issuing from my mouth?"
"Yes, and here's why: I think that it's time for you to settle down in the world, and start having some real positions, to begin to actually believe something."
"But that would be so boring!"
"Contrary to your opinion, life is not all about excitement."
"But if people were to know what I actually believe, then I couldn't argue with myself effectively."
"Do you think you effectively argue with people as it is? Your opinions are so wild and your words so ridiculous that no one listens to you seriously anyway. They're just being polite."
"No, they're actually fascinated I think that you're confusing their stares of shock and awe with those of politeness. A careful student of the human condition, as I am, will be quick to note that the two are in fact quite different."
"How so?"

I bet that the following words, if left alone, would excite the most comment on this blog, even if they're really periphery in every respect. Now that I've said that, of course, no one will dare give me the satisfaction of being correct, and they'll unwittingly make me right by not commenting. Of course, it they comment, then they're also proving me correct. They can't win!

"Polite people have a glazed look in their eyes that says that they're more interested in the doughnuts you're undoubtedly holding in your hands than in anything you have to say. Shocked and awed people have their mouth hanging open in bewilderment, and if you can keep the effect going for long enough, then they might even drool, which is always quite gratifying."
"Maybe the drool is because of the doughnut."
"Impossible. They'd have stolen it out of your hand long before any drool would begin its slow descent out of the mouth and its much speedier fall to the worms of the earth."
"That's quite disgusting, and with that I think I'll have to end the conversation."
"Charmed, I'm sure."
"Hardly."

4 comments:

the real complainer said...

stop the dialogue and get back to blogging. I can't slosh through this drivel with a machette!

just write about things instead of fancying that you are an author licenesed to create fictional ppl!

And tell cheerio i dont say hi

The Real Shliach said...

Listen Eliezer, just because there are no comments doesn't mean you have to rectify the situation. And please, in the future, learn how to spell Minnesota correctly.

Cheerio said...

trc, i don't say hi back. aren't we a polite pair?
trs - this was brilliant! i'm just imagining manhoods being stampeded beneath trains of fury, and can barely control my hysterical laughter. joshua is my anti-hero!
and i want to know what kind of donuts he's holding.
have fun at the RNC! throw a tomato for me!

The Real Shliach said...

Brilliant? Thank you, but Joshua the anti-hero? What are you, a post-feminist or something?
Joshua is partial to jelly doughnuts, though I believe in this instance he's holding one of custard.
Oh, the RNC is quite the delicious joy. And no tomatoes, we're going for urine and feces over here.