Sunday, August 31, 2008

The modern Joshua, specially formulated for complainers of all stripes

Some people have suggested that they're bored of Joshua. Others are clamoring for more? What should I do? Perhaps I should write about current events in Joshua's inimitable style. That would surely be fun for all. It's a little shorter than what you're used to, but I'm sure you'll get over it. Here goes:

"Hey Joshua, how goes the battle?"
"Well, it's pretty tough down here in New Orleans. We're about to get washed away, and people can say is 'Poor GOP.' Can't a city get any sympathy?"
"Well, perhaps if they had a better sense of timing, none of this would be necessary."
"How are we supposed to regulate the big guy up in the sky?"
"Maybe if you stopped some of those hedonist practices you have."
"You mean Mardi Gras?"
"Precisely."
"But we enjoy those so much!"
"All sin is enjoyable."
"You mean the great blue dodger up in the stratosphere wants us to be serious and depressed all the time?"
"But of course."
"That's ridiculous."
"Hey, don't shoot the messenger."
"If the messenger perverts the message beyond all intelligible meaning, then I think it's perfectly acceptable to pervert the messenger too."
"Those are rather shocking words."
"No more shocking than someone claiming that their grandson is actually their son."
"Canard!"
"English you may have, but are the facts on your side?"
"Certainly. Her word to me is like gold on a popsicle stick."
"First of all, she's yet to respond to these allegations, and second of all, where does one get gold on a popsicle stick? I'm fascinated!"
"I believe they're available for a small fee in the misused-analogy section of the incomprehensible-statement tent at the Minnesota State Fair."
"I would love to get one, but as you know, I'm stuck here in New Orleans trying to figure out how many HDTV's I can loot before the cops come."
"Joshua, I'm shocked! I thought you had morals!"
"I used to, but when I read that a woman would lie to protect her family I figured that I'd exchange mine for a nice new TV. It's a good exchange, no?"
"Just because you can doesn't mean that you should. I mean, if everyone did that, where would be then?"
"Where are we then?"
"You know, you just reused an old Peanuts joke. Can't you come up with something original once in a while?"
"Why should I bother? All the world's great literature is spread before me-should I fail to capitalize and make it my own?"
"It doesn't become yours just because you take it. That would be like saying that a TV becomes yours just because you take it."
"Of course it's mine. Property is theft, therefore theft is property, therefore it's mine."
"You just stole another line!"
"And what are you going to do about it? Complain like you people did about Barack Obama's historic popularity?"
"Historic popularity? The man's just a one-trick pony in the biggest freak show the world has ever seen-the Democratic party!"
"There you go again, insulting people who have the ability to change the space-time continuum, not to mention the paradigm, and all you can do is come up with admittedly good but nevertheless quite evil lines."
"What do you think the political arena is all about? If you're not prepared to fight like a devil, why are you entering the gladiators pit?"
"Yes, you're prepared to attack, but whenever we try and attack you back, you say that it's not fair."
"When did we do that?"
"Look, we attack Mccain, and you say he's a sacred POW, so we can't touch him. We attack Palin, and oh, she's a mother of a DS child, she's protected. Then we call you on the biggest lie in Alaska politics, at least since Ted Steven's last press conference, and you say that our attacks are disgusting. When you do it to us of course, then it's all right. You want to have it all your way. Well, let me tell you something, this Joshua isn't going to take that kind of abuse sitting down. Onward Episcopalian soldiers!"
"Joshua, when did you become such a big liberal? You used to be a solid conservative."
"Who said I'm a big liberal? I just don't like it when New Orleans is being abused by shrubs and their ilk, so I got into a bit of an ornery mood."
"So you really like the Grand Old Party?"
"Depends on how good the party is. After all, I am in New Orleans, and if the party is good, then it's all good."
"Maybe if New Orleans wasn't being such a pain than we could have a good party!"
"Oh, don't get me started one that again..."

12 comments:

complainer said...

better, but still not very enlightening....

The Real Shliach said...

I was not aware that my goal was to enlighten-I thought it merely to entertain.

Cheerio said...

complainer, do you even know what trs is all about? and don't tell me this blog is about being "a REAL shliach" (whatever that even means)! i mean, what this blog is REALLY about.
which is, indeed, entertainment. and glorious entertainment at that. i don't think i'll get my news anywhere else.
although i still would like to know what TRS thinks about the republican convention, and what chauvinistic statements we can generate about the republican vp candidate. i just heard she's got an unwed teenage pregnant daughter!

(sorry for the verbosity, i'm in la. don't ask what that has to do with anything, or i WILL keep talking. good. bye.)

COmplainer said...

I can't believe you bought the GOP's crap. they made up this pregnancy thing just to cover up her previous "real" pregnancy. "duh she can't be prgnant now, if she gave birth to Trig five months ago" is exactly what McCain wants you to say. When her due date rolls around, and --surprise--no baby, you'll realize that it was all a hoax. But by hten the damage will be done, and mccain will be elctred.

The Real Shliach said...

Cheerio, please, continue to locquace!
As for you, my dear Complainer, I'll have you know that I knew nothing of the GOP's explanations until this afternoon, well after I wrote this piece. I didn't believe the allegations then either, and I certainly do believe that the daughter is pregnant. It would have been so much easier for them to completely deny the whole story; why bother with revealing new information?

COmplainer said...

If they would say "100% BS!!!" ppl would say "You're lying!"

Noone suspects that they're lying when they say brsitol is preg,.

The Real Shliach said...

If I say that John Mccain is gay, will anyone believe me? No, they'll say it's ridiculous.
The GOP could have done the same thing here. Instead, they revealed something which did not have to be let loose, and yes, everyone believes it, because it's darned hard to fake a pregnancy.

COmplainer said...

This is not as nut as saying the mccain is gay, b/c they had proof. have you ever seen a pregnnat woman? have you ever seen a woman in labor? palin was neither. it's not that hard to fake a pregnancy. she just needs to be "preg" until after the elcetion.

The Real Shliach said...

Are you kidding me? This is a much bigger allegation than someone being gay. Can you recall anyone claiming something as crazy as this? I sure can't.
Anyway, it sounds like everyone's known for a month now that she was pregnant; I don't think Ms. Palin could convince an entire town of something.

Cheerio said...

locquace? sounds french. hate french. will not locquace.

The Real Shliach said...

If only she knew English...

Cheerio said...

;).(still not locquacing).