Sunday, August 17, 2008

Special 300 edition!

In honor of the 300th edition of the TRS blog I thought I'd give y'all a little treat. TRS' list of The Top Ten Things A Shliach Should Not Say.

1. Hi Mrs Frankstein, how are you? What? Your son is planning on marrying a Shiksa? When's the wedding? Do you need a Rabbi to perform the ceremony?

2. Your daughter is marrying someone else's daughter? Mazel Tov!

3. No, I'm sorry, we won't be able to make a Bris if there's been an abortion. We can however make a Kiddush.

4. Your beloved Seymour has just passed on? My condolences. How much did he leave the Chabad House?

5. Shake a woman's hand? Make myself impure and filthy?

6. I make you the guest of honor at our annual dinner and you give us this puny check?

7. They served non-Kosher pickles at the Kiddush while I was away at the convention? That's nothing. You'll never believe what I had in Crown Heights-that's right, pork!

8. We need someone really dumb to volunteer here...Oh, Jim, you want to do it?

9. I'd love to visit your husband in the hospital-when is he expected to be sleeping?

10. You want me to write you a Get? But you've only been married two weeks; wait another couple days until the check for the Chupah I made for you clears.

I expect that everyone will have their own lines. Please share them. Thanks. A million. We couldn't do this without you. No, really, we couldn't.

23 comments:

e said...

Well, I couldn't not comment on this super-momentous milestone. Perhaps this post hasn't garnered any comments because of notetz techilasan b'sofon (for you newcomers to TRS, the early posts averaged about 0.00 comments). Or perhaps it's because Nemo and Shadchannit got lives (respectively), and Cheerio found better pastures in which to pick up boys (just kidding, Cheerio!).

Point is, that TRS has certainly come a long way. Read the ealry posts, and you'll see what I mean. TRS has developed a style that will remain with him for years to come.

On a serious note, umm. I dunno. There really is nothing serious about this. TRS blogged away a year. Whoopy-doo. You know what is serious? That if anybody who knows me ever bumps into this blog, he will immediately pick up on the real identity of "e" and "eliezer." With but a tad more sleuthing, he or she can also figure out the real identities of a host of other commenters. I have spilled a great portion of my guts on the public sidewalk of the blogosphere (albeit on some rarely visited sidewalk in the quiet side of town). Yep, the Internet lasts forever. When I run for president, my opponenet will say, "Back in 2008, e said......" My aunt was stumbled across this site, left a comment, and e-mailed me her comment. I asked her how she knew I was a TRSer, and her response was to the effect of "Duh. Who else could Eliezer have been?" Shadchannit, if you stay here too long, you WILL be discovered.

To all the potential TRSers out there: join TRS! You have never had such regular, quality entertainment at 2 a.m.!

P.S. Notice I did not say "regular quality entertainment." This quality entertainment which comes regularly at 2 a.m. Thank you for indulging my passion for punctuation.

e said...

Things a real shliach would never say:

Moshiach? Yeah, he might come, but not in this century.

Sinai? You're grandmother also told you that fairy tale?

Increaed teen preganacy? Darn those anti-abotion activists!

Ellul? Who needs a month to prepare for the high holidays?With YY Jacobson's e-mails, I can begin to prepare my sermon right when my wife asks me to prepare the tzimis, and it all works out well.

The Rebbe? Yeah, he was cool. Too bad he's gone. Oh well.

Give me a yellow flag. I got to have a couple hanging around my Chabad House!

Deuteronomy? That's a post-exilic addition.

"Bittul just ain't my thing" (Now this one sounds familiar)

"What do you think I am, a footstepper?" (This one also has a familiar ring.)

and, last but not least...
I am the real shliach. Please visit my blog.

The Real Shliach said...

Thank you for your kind sentiments Eliezer. I'm not sure if this blog will be an impediment when you're running for elected office, due to the small chances of that happening. If they interview me about you, I'll only say odd shtuff, so you have no reason to worry.

Cheerio said...

c'mon, e, there isn't a better place than here to pick up boys!

abc said...

I would have nothing to do with certain lines typed on this post and in these comments.

If this was my blog, and someone typed the line about the Rebbe, I would shut down the blog immediately. I would consider it a sign.

Also, re: the story about the wife of the Rosh Yeshiva - is it a fact that nowadays before you open your mouth you need to consider whether your words will be broadcast over the Internet?!

Tsk tsk

The Real Shliach said...

abd, no one is asking you to have anything to do with this blog? Why did you bother commenting if it's so evil?
And why should I shut down the site? You know, you can't just stick your head in the sand every time someone says something that you don't like. Besides, it was a joke.
And it was a sign of what exactly?

If I write a story on a blog, then I know that it's on the internet. It doesn't take brains to figure these things out.

abc said...

it would seem to me that if you responded with such rage, my comments must have bothered you.

That's nice.

A. re: the story, I know you knew it was on the web. But did the lady know that she can't say anything in front of you b/c it might be advertised.

B. as a real shliach, would you tell yourself, after reading something insulting about the Rebbe - even a joke - to mind your own business? Or would you post a long post bashing the author of the line?

C. Don't get mad - get even.

The Real Shliach said...

Rage? I would never feel rage at an idiot, merely pity.

1. Knowing the lady, which I assume you don't, she'll be very happy to be on the web, and happy that I'm spreading the story too.

2. You want I should bash Eliezer? Perish the thought! When you've been a commenter (and dare I say friend?) for as long as he has, then you might understand what's going on here.

3. Perhaps if you didn't hide I could.

E said...

Mister Abc, your values, like the values of much of lubavitch, are way off. I write that sinai was a bube maaseh, and youre cool. I write that the Rebbe was cool and that hes gone, and Ive said the worst thing possible. dont yall think something is wrong? are our priorities in order?

E said...

I just reread my comment and saw what i wrote about deuetermony. is it more important to believe that the Rebbe is not "gone" and is more than "a cool guy" than to believe that the entire torah is from god? why is the honor of the rebbe more dear to you than that of god or of the torah? i have always wondered why this is. mr. abc, please respond. trs also suffers from this disorder. i would like to hear his perspective.

The Real Shliach said...

Good point Eliezer.
Do I suffer from it? After all, I'm the one who made the jokes about Shluchim (And Shliach Adam K'moso-Kmoso Mamosh) in the first place.

Anonymous said...

you're both raging and not thinking. I am a big admirer of G-d and also of the Rebbe. but I know the Rebbe more. I should know G-d more and I'm working on it.

but just as I would be more offended by an insult to my father than I would my great-grand father, I get more offended by slights to the Rebbe than slights to Dueteronomy.

Alternatively, if the blogger was called the real jew maybe I would question his connection to G-d. but since he calls himself the real shliach, I question his connection to his Meshalaiach.

and TRS if I told you my name it would take all the fun out of this

Anonymous said...

this is abc

you're both raging and not thinking. I am a big admirer of G-d and also of the Rebbe. but I know the Rebbe more. I should know G-d more and I'm working on it.

but just as I would be more offended by an insult to my father than I would my great-grand father, I get more offended by slights to the Rebbe than slights to Dueteronomy.

Alternatively, if the blogger was called the real jew maybe I would question his connection to G-d. but since he calls himself the real shliach, I question his connection to his Meshalaiach.

and TRS if I told you my name it would take all the fun out of this

Anonymous said...

Does yissachar frand get under your skin more than christopher hitchens?

E said...

Hate to confuse things. the last anon was from me speaking to trs, to show that he does suffer from this disorder.

The Real Shliach said...

Anon 7:15-that's a terrible excuse. The Rebbe is nothing without Deuteronomy, while Deuteronomy is still valid without the Rebbe. Guess what? Judaism survived Shabbetai Zvi.

You question my connection to the Rebbe? If you questioned my Judaism, I could just pull down my pants, but how can I prove my Lubavitch-cred? And is it even necessary?

As for your continued anonymity, bad excuse.

Anon 7:28 (claims to be Eliezer)-I happen to be a big fan of Christopher Hitchens: he's amusing, intelligent, and made Shmuley Boteach look like a fool. Frand, on the other hand, is just your run of the mill oily, history revising, and bad looking snag. Take your pick.

The Real Shliach said...

For everyone else, abc was right. It was much more fun when I didn't know who he was.

e said...

TRS, thanks for proving that you do suffer from this disorder.

Suppose Hitchens was arguing for snagism and Boteach was arguing for Lubavitchism, would you be able to enjoy watching Hitchens beat Boteach's pants off? Then why can you enjoy it when the debate is about something much more important than Lubavitchism vs. snagism?

The Real Shliach said...

When I said that abc was correct, I only meant it for that issue.

Anytime Hitchens beats anyone it's quite entertaining. Just because I'm partisan doesn't mean I can't enjoy life.

e said...

Be honest with me , TRS. If there were a snag with the same delightful personality as Hitchens, would you be able to enjoy listening to him?

The Real Shliach said...

My mind boggles at the thought of a snag with Mr. Hitchens' talent. Impossibly though it may be, if it came to that, I think I would enjoy the experience.

e said...

I dunno. I can't imagine you relishing in snagism as you do in kefirah mamaesh. Can you?

The Real Shliach said...

Whenever I have occasion to infiltrate snagville I delight in their snagginess. If someone were to put on a truly spectacular show, then I would no doubt enjoy it even more. Since one of the main goals in my life is to seek entertainment from as many venues as possible (and I know that sounds horrid but it's really only a mediocre evil), I don't see why I can't enjoy snags as much as Hitchens or Boteach.