Thursday, August 28, 2008

Joshua's Dozen

“Hi Joshua.”
“I have a question.”
“Yes?”
“How come it seems like most of my conversations start off with ‘Hi Joshua.’ It’s so boring.”
“How else should a conversation start off?”
“Well, perhaps we could begin with a loud and boisterous rendition of ‘Howdy!’ That would work.”
“When was the last time anyone started off a conversation like that?”
“True.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
“But you are right, it does seem like you’re in a bit of a rut.”
“How do you propose I should deal with this?”
“Eat some chicken?”
“That’s a terrible idea.”
“Well, you asked for it.”
“Just for that, I’m going home.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”

Joshua goes home.

“Hello Chandler.”
“Hello sir.”
“What’s for breakfast Chandler?”
“Chicken, sir.”
“Chicken? That’s a terrible breakfast.”
“You inquired as to the menu, sir, and I answered your query.”
“Don’t get fresh with me, Chandler.”
“No, sir.”
“Just for that I think I’ll find a convenient restaurant to eat my breakfast in.”
“Very good, sir.”
“Bye.”
“Good bye, sir.”

Joshua goes to a restaurant.

“What’s today’s breakfast special?”
“There is no breakfast special.”
“But it’s advertised on the window.”
“So you know what it is.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Prove it.”
“How can I prove I don’t know something?”
“Didn’t you have this conversation once before?”
“You’re right, I do seem to be in a bit of a rut.”
“So what do you want for breakfast?”
“What is available?”
“Chicken served hot, chicken served cold, chicken served in the pot,”
“Nine days old.”
“Seven.”
“Seven what?”
“Days.”
“The chicken’s been in a pot for seven days?”
“Correct.”
“That’s discusting.”
“It’s no more discusting than chicken being in the pot for nine days.”
“Good point there.”
“But you were willing to eat the nine day old chicken.”
“Says who?”
“Says me.”
“You know what? I’ve had enough chicken for one day.”
“You have?”
“Well, not actually.”
“What’s that supposed to mean.”
“I mean its been offered to me in one way or another three times today.”
“Odd.”
“And it isn’t even four AM!”
“Tragic.”
“Will you marry me?”
“No.”
“Okay then, bye.”
“Au Revoir.”

Joshua walks back to his house.

“Chandler?”
“Yes, sir?”
“Who named you that?”
“My mother, sir.”
“And why did your mother name you that?”
“Probably because she wanted to.”
“Haven’t I warned you about not getting fresh?”
“Yes, sir.”
“In fact, if I recall correctly, that was a major reason for my engaging you, Chandler.”
“Come again, sir?”
“Well, the advertisement I put in Butler’s Monthly
specifically requested a ‘Jeeves-like’ butler.”
“Sir?”
“Yes?”
“Every advertisement put in Butler’s Monthly
specifically requests a ‘Jeeves-like’ butler.”
“And therefore?”
“And therefore, sir, not all aspects of Jeeves’ character are necessarily replicated in all butlers.”
“I see.”
“In fact, sir, if I may be so bold, I would venture to say that Butler’s Monthly
would better serve its audience if it was called Jeeves’ Monthly.

“So what you’re saying is that I’ve been gyped.”
“Precisely, sir. However, I don’t know if I’d use that term if I was you.”
“And why not?”
“Well, sir, it isn’t exactly PC.”
“PC?”
“Politically Correct, sir.”
“So how about ripped off.”
“Much better, sir.”
“Regardless of the term used, Chandler, the fact remains that I’ve been swindled.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Is Butler’s Monthly useful to butlers?”
“Only as a sort of classified, sir.”
“But I see you get it every month.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Are you not happy with your present engagement?”
“Yes, sir, I am very happy.”
“Good. Fix me some victuals.”
“Very good, sir; what will you have?”
“Nothing to do with chicken.”
“How about some bacon and eggs?”
“That’s rather fattening, Chandler.”
“Not if you’re on a low-carbohydrate diet, sir.”
“Does it look like I need to go on a low-carbohydrate diet, Chandler?”
“No, sir.”
“Well then, fix me up some bacon and eggs.”
“Very good, sir.”
“You said that already.”
“Well, sir, all butlers are programmed with four or five phrases that are constantly used by those of us in this position.”
“Was that supposed to be funny, Chandler?”
“I believe the correct term is caustic, sir.”
“Well, Chandler, not only was it not funny, but I think that if you don’t go and make that bacon and eggs right now I will have to throw all caution to the winds and be a little caustic with you myself!”

The bacon and eggs are made. Joshua eats them.

“I’d like a dozen bagels, Chandler.”
“Why, sir?”
“Ours not to reason why, ours just to do and die.”
“That’s very profound, sir.”
“Thanks. So where’s the bagels?”
“What bagels?”
“What bagels!? The bagels I just asked for!”
“It isn’t necessary to scream, sir.”
“You’re fired.”
“Very good, sir.”
“Oh, one more thing before you go, Chandler.”
“Yes, sir?”
“Oh, I’ve forgotten already. No, I haven’t. Please bring me your latest Butler’s Monthly.”
“Very good, sir.”

50 comments:

Cheerio said...

i didn't know joshua cared about being PC! i sense new depths to him that i had not percieved before! and now i also kinda want chicken.
and HEY - joshusa isnt' jewish???

The Real Shliach said...

Joshua's depths and his Political correctedness are two entirely different things. The one is based on humor, while the other is unperceived.
If you want chicken, go eat some!

Joshua is not Jewish, because fictional characters can not possibly be Jewish.

Cheerio said...

great, now i'm going to have to create a jewish fictional character, just to prove you wrong.

Me again said...

Soo, as i percieved Jeeves is the inspiration for this unoriginal, otherwise bland piece of work.

Yechi PGW who was aslo a Nazi on his spare time.

the anti-cheerio said...

can someone throw cheerio off the blog? I think he is stupid...

e said...

The anti-Cheerio: You shark hiding behind your anonymity! You don't even know that Cheerio is a she.

BTW, if any of you think that I'm the anti-cheerio, just look at what time he posted. There's no way I would be up and online at 8:14.

e said...

TRS, fictional characters can be Jewish just as well as they can be American, rish, snotty, deep, PC, eat bacon and eggs, and anything else that they might do.

The Real Shliach said...

Cheerio: If he's a boy, does he get a Bris? If she's a girl, will she...come to think of it, what do girls do?

Me Again: Do me a favor, and avoid redundancy when you comment; it makes it so much more interesting for the rest of us. Additionally, PGW was not a nazi, as a quick google search will reveal.

Anti-Cheerio: Prejudiced people are only welcome when they have something intelligent to add to the conversation.

e: Who accused you?
You want Joshua to be Jewish? Fine, let him be Jewish. What do I care?

EndOfWorld said...

I liked the toilet paper man better than the anti-cheerio poster. Where did he go?

Anonymous said...

Endofworld - Interesting that you would call the tzinut police, toilet paper man, as they are both here to clean up dirty stuff...

Cheerio said...

i agree with endof, at least tp (and i'm going to forever after think of him as toilet paper guy) was creative in his insults. and non specific.
trs, girls have kiddushes. no pain, just gain!

TP1 said...

To all my female fans:
Get the hell off my blog!

The tzniut police said...

I'm sure TP2 was girl. Cheerio, was it you?

The Real Shliach said...

TP1: You know what? This isn't your blog. In fact, it's my blog. I realize that you may have confused some facts recently, but I hope that in the future you'll recognize these elementary facts. Since I am the owner of this blog, I would like to say that all commenters are welcome, as long as they are relatively intelligent and can keep it clean.

Also, perhaps TP1 and PT2 could get married, and work together in the future in perfect harmony!

TP1 said...

I think you forfeit the right to this domain name. How can a porutz like you claim to be the owner of "theREALshliach.blogspot.com"?

The Real Shliach said...

The thoughts of a deranged mind are hardly worthy of serious contemplation or review.
If you have a problem with the blog, stop coming!

Taaruvos police said...

When you say TP2 are you referring to me? If the answer is in the affirmative, then by golly you are a terrible shadchan, you need to know your clients BEFORE you suggest..
If however there is a different TP2 then excuse moi...

Now on the serious side...
TRS, sit down and think for a few minutes, and I believe you yourself would agree that conversing with girls is not the proper thing to do, it may be fun and looking innocent and quite difficult to break the crooked pattern but prehaps the elul winds can push you in the right direction, and give the SHLIACH inside of you joy for doing the right thing.

The tzniut police said...

Oh joy and jubilation! My ally as is back!

Taaruvos police said...

Glad to be a source of joy for a fellow yid. :)

Am curious as to what your relationship is to the"real"shliach..
As for me, am just a passerby...

The tzniut police said...

I suspect you are not just a passerby.

Taaruvos police said...

You insolent dork! Who are you to tell me who I am. Whoever recommended a shidduch before.... BAD idea.

therealtaaruvospolice said...

OH MY GOLLY GOSH!!!
Someone had the audacity to steal my identity!
I am the authentic taaruvos police.
And I would not call anyone an insolent dork.

therealtaaruvospolice said...

Oh and to answer the TP -
"Passerby" in the sense I don't really know who "the real shliach" is.

The Modesty Police said...

cheerio, r u the taruvos police?

Cheerio said...

No. it is not me.

The Incredulous Modesty Police said...

I dont believe that your the real cheerio.

By golly gosh once again said...

Do you think the offense'r can be the defender?
(Kateiger na'ase saneiger? Does it fit here?)

The Real Shliach said...

You guys are really weird. Who cares who everybody is? Live and let live.

EndOfWorld said...

charmin' as usual. haha. get it? (that was for toilet paper man)

Tp said...

No, I did not get it, EOW, Perutzah what you are.

tp2 said...

EOW - does your husband know you flirtin' with boys?

Cheerio said...

THAT WASN'T ME! i'm not tp 2, and that "cheerio" wasn't me, either! i don't care if the imposter was friend or foe - use my name in vain, and I WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN!!!!!

Cheerio said...

Strike me down, Ma'am.

We love you Cheerio, Oh yes we do. We don't love anyone as much as you. When you're not with us, we're blue. Oh cheerio, we love you. Is there any limit how long my name can be? Apparently there isn't. said...

Hmmm, you're starting to use all caps like the tzniut police. Are you perhaps his second in command, the famed tp2?

The Real Shliach said...

There are some weird people in this world, eh?

Thereal TP2 said...

Ha, this is so funny.

The Real Shliach said...

I'm glad that someone is enjoying themselves.

cc said...

Me too enjoying free entertainment. Impostors within impostors. Can it get sillier?

I'm CC, tp2, cheerio, tp1, e, AND trs said...

yes it can.

The Real Shliach said...

Hmm, you're not Eliezer or the complainer?
Mysterious.

I'm CC, tp2, cheerio, tp1, e, AND trs said...

Goddarnit I said I was e. Have you forgotten that Eliezer has been reincarnated as e?

The Real Shliach said...

Fine, so now it should be clear to all-Eliezer is behind all the recent insanity on this blog, and all complaints may be directed to him.

emes alert! said...

This is incredibly unbelievably meshuga.
You are sucha liar.

The Real Shliach said...

Middos Alert: You have none at all, aside from being patently false.

head spinning said...

What are yo talking about? How can e. be cc, tp1, tp2 etc... if I AM TP2?? And I KNOW who cc is....

The Real Shliach said...

"How can you be?" If America has taught us anything, it's that you can be whatever you want to be.

therealTp2, in Haiku said...

It's too much for me.
Why would you want to be me?
It is too silly.

I know I am bored.
But this is too much for me.
Time to end this now.

The Real Shliach said...

Sounds like a wise move.

Cheerio said...

just when you least expect it, THERE WILL BE A LIGHTNING BOLT SIZZLING DOWN FROM THE SKY, IMPOSTER!! ahem. i feel much better now.

The Real Shliach said...

Wow.