Joshua's Dozen

“Hi Joshua.”
“I have a question.”
“Yes?”
“How come it seems like most of my conversations start off with ‘Hi Joshua.’ It’s so boring.”
“How else should a conversation start off?”
“Well, perhaps we could begin with a loud and boisterous rendition of ‘Howdy!’ That would work.”
“When was the last time anyone started off a conversation like that?”
“True.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
“But you are right, it does seem like you’re in a bit of a rut.”
“How do you propose I should deal with this?”
“Eat some chicken?”
“That’s a terrible idea.”
“Well, you asked for it.”
“Just for that, I’m going home.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”

Joshua goes home.

“Hello Chandler.”
“Hello sir.”
“What’s for breakfast Chandler?”
“Chicken, sir.”
“Chicken? That’s a terrible breakfast.”
“You inquired as to the menu, sir, and I answered your query.”
“Don’t get fresh with me, Chandler.”
“No, sir.”
“Just for that I think I’ll find a convenient restaurant to eat my breakfast in.”
“Very good, sir.”
“Bye.”
“Good bye, sir.”

Joshua goes to a restaurant.

“What’s today’s breakfast special?”
“There is no breakfast special.”
“But it’s advertised on the window.”
“So you know what it is.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Prove it.”
“How can I prove I don’t know something?”
“Didn’t you have this conversation once before?”
“You’re right, I do seem to be in a bit of a rut.”
“So what do you want for breakfast?”
“What is available?”
“Chicken served hot, chicken served cold, chicken served in the pot,”
“Nine days old.”
“Seven.”
“Seven what?”
“Days.”
“The chicken’s been in a pot for seven days?”
“Correct.”
“That’s discusting.”
“It’s no more discusting than chicken being in the pot for nine days.”
“Good point there.”
“But you were willing to eat the nine day old chicken.”
“Says who?”
“Says me.”
“You know what? I’ve had enough chicken for one day.”
“You have?”
“Well, not actually.”
“What’s that supposed to mean.”
“I mean its been offered to me in one way or another three times today.”
“Odd.”
“And it isn’t even four AM!”
“Tragic.”
“Will you marry me?”
“No.”
“Okay then, bye.”
“Au Revoir.”

Joshua walks back to his house.

“Chandler?”
“Yes, sir?”
“Who named you that?”
“My mother, sir.”
“And why did your mother name you that?”
“Probably because she wanted to.”
“Haven’t I warned you about not getting fresh?”
“Yes, sir.”
“In fact, if I recall correctly, that was a major reason for my engaging you, Chandler.”
“Come again, sir?”
“Well, the advertisement I put in Butler’s Monthly
specifically requested a ‘Jeeves-like’ butler.”
“Sir?”
“Yes?”
“Every advertisement put in Butler’s Monthly
specifically requests a ‘Jeeves-like’ butler.”
“And therefore?”
“And therefore, sir, not all aspects of Jeeves’ character are necessarily replicated in all butlers.”
“I see.”
“In fact, sir, if I may be so bold, I would venture to say that Butler’s Monthly
would better serve its audience if it was called Jeeves’ Monthly.
”
“So what you’re saying is that I’ve been gyped.”
“Precisely, sir. However, I don’t know if I’d use that term if I was you.”
“And why not?”
“Well, sir, it isn’t exactly PC.”
“PC?”
“Politically Correct, sir.”
“So how about ripped off.”
“Much better, sir.”
“Regardless of the term used, Chandler, the fact remains that I’ve been swindled.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Is Butler’s Monthly useful to butlers?”
“Only as a sort of classified, sir.”
“But I see you get it every month.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Are you not happy with your present engagement?”
“Yes, sir, I am very happy.”
“Good. Fix me some victuals.”
“Very good, sir; what will you have?”
“Nothing to do with chicken.”
“How about some bacon and eggs?”
“That’s rather fattening, Chandler.”
“Not if you’re on a low-carbohydrate diet, sir.”
“Does it look like I need to go on a low-carbohydrate diet, Chandler?”
“No, sir.”
“Well then, fix me up some bacon and eggs.”
“Very good, sir.”
“You said that already.”
“Well, sir, all butlers are programmed with four or five phrases that are constantly used by those of us in this position.”
“Was that supposed to be funny, Chandler?”
“I believe the correct term is caustic, sir.”
“Well, Chandler, not only was it not funny, but I think that if you don’t go and make that bacon and eggs right now I will have to throw all caution to the winds and be a little caustic with you myself!”

The bacon and eggs are made. Joshua eats them.

“I’d like a dozen bagels, Chandler.”
“Why, sir?”
“Ours not to reason why, ours just to do and die.”
“That’s very profound, sir.”
“Thanks. So where’s the bagels?”
“What bagels?”
“What bagels!? The bagels I just asked for!”
“It isn’t necessary to scream, sir.”
“You’re fired.”
“Very good, sir.”
“Oh, one more thing before you go, Chandler.”
“Yes, sir?”
“Oh, I’ve forgotten already. No, I haven’t. Please bring me your latest Butler’s Monthly.”
“Very good, sir.”