Thursday, August 28, 2008

Joshua 15-Is It More?

“What is evil, Joshua?”
“Well, that depends. What is good?”
“I asked the question first, so I get an answer first.”
“All right. Evil is the absence of good.”
“And good is the absence of evil.”
“That leaves a gray zone, doesn’t it?”
“Sure does. What do you think that zone is?”
“Humanity.”
“Wow, that’s deep.”
“You know, I’m trying to be profound here, why do you have to ruin it?”
“Because I’m a cynical jerk.”
“Truer words have never been spoken.”
Later...
“You know Joshua, I think you were right.”
“About what?”
“About that whole humanity thing, you know, being a mixture of good and evil.”
“What’s your opinion?”
“Well, the way I’m seeing it, everything balances out; there are good people and there are bad people, and if you put everyone together, they’re really just purely gray.”
“That’s very nice.”
“Thanks.”
“On which side of the scale do you think you are?”
“Oh, I’m on the bad side.”
“Why?”
“You said it yourself. I’m a cynical jerk.”
“My uncle once told me something very interesting. He said that the most cynical people were also the most gullible.”
“Father’s or mother’s side?”
“Neither.”
“So how exactly was he your uncle?”
“He wasn’t, we just called him that.”
“Does he actually exist?”
“Well now all that remains of him is some ashes.”
‘Oh, I’m sorry, when did he die?”
“Who said he died?”
“Um, well you did just say that all that was left of him was ashes.”
“Yes.”
“So how exactly is he not dead?”
“Who says he ever lived?”
“That’s very deep, but it really doesn’t explain much.”
“Neither do you.”
‘You know what? I’m going to punch you unless you start making sense.”
“You know that you used the word ‘you’ three times in that sentence?”
Pow. Later...
“Wow! What was that?”
“It was the sound of a skull cracking, sir.”
“Chandler! You’re back!”
“Yes, sir.”
“I thought I fired you?”
“You did, sir.”
“So what are you doing here?”
“I got a job as a nurse.”
“Ah. So I’m in hospital.”
“Brilliant deduction, Einstein.”
“Actually, I believe that was an induction.”
“How should you know? You just got slammed.”
“True. True.”
“Of course it’s true, would a butler ever tell an untruth?”
“No comment.”
“A very wise policy, if I might add.”
“What’s got into you lately?”
“Well sir, I figured that if you were going to fire me then I should respond in a suitable manner.”
“Is being rude a suitable manner?”
“Of course, sir.”
“I’ll get back to you on that. Meanwhile, please get my lawyer.”
“Yes, sir.”
Slightly later...
“Ahh, Joshua, my favorite friend, my best buddy, my crackingly cricked up companion, my absolutely top-hole client, who do you want me to sue for you today?”
“The man who did this to me.”
“Pardon? The man who made your bed?”
“Exactly. He’s a dangerous fiend and should be sent down to Fishkill immediately.”
“Isn’t that a womens’ facility?”
“No reason he shouldn’t enjoy himself as much as possible while he’s incarcerated.”
“Well, there is a slight problem, you see, I think that it might be hard to persuade the State Attorney to press charges against a man who was merely doing his job.”
“Exactly! Himmler was also just doing his job!”
“Good point Joshua. Should I also press criminal charges against the dude who busted your chops?”
“Uh, eh?”
“Oh, I mean the guy who slammed your skull.”
“If it’ll make you happy.”
“Oh, don’t worry, it’ll definitely make me happy.”
“Well, I’m glad to provide some happiness in someone’s life. Mine is sadly lacking in that department now.”
“You’re content, though.”
“If you put it like that, yes.”
“See, I knew we could come to an impasse.”
“Solution?”
“Exactly.”
“Perfect.”
“So let’s just review my instructions, shall we?”
“Does it look like I have any more appointments?”
“Right. So we’re suing the maid for making your bed, the dude for cracking your skull, and the butler for being a jerk.”
“Why the butler?”
“Well, three is my lucky number.”
“Okay then, go right ahead.”
“See you later.”
Later...
“Hey, Joshua, I’ve got the results right here!”
“What are they lawyer?”
“The maid was let off because he was just doing his job;”
“I’ll appeal!”
“We lost that one too.”
“Dang. Well, go on.
“You’re assaulter got off.”
“Why?”
“Well, it appears that you were having a theological discussion, and US law is very particular on that one.”
“Huh?”
“Well, it appears that when a person enters into a theological discussion they cede all of their rights.”
“That’s a terrible law.”
“Which is why I appealed it.”
“And what did the appeals court say?”
“They laughed so hard their dentures fell into their water glasses.”
“I thought that you’re supposed to have respect in the courtroom.”
“Well, they had justice done to them, as the water was poisoned.”
“So they died?”
“No, but the defendant in the case asked for a cup of water and he died.”
“So all’s well that ends well?”
“No, you’re being charged with manslaughter.”
“Me? Why? I’ve been in this hospital room for six weeks.”
“Exactly. They figured that anyone who could afford to stay in a hospital for six weeks could afford an expensive defense attorney who could get them off.”
“Well they’re right there.”
“And moving onto the final case, I’m sorry to say that you lost.”
“Strike three, huh?”
“Yes. Well, I’ll be going now, call if anything happens.”
“I’ll do.”

3 comments:

Cheerio said...

"no reason he shouldn't enjoy himself..." - laughed out loud at that one.
these stories remind of the book of woody allen essays my brother in law keeps in his bathroom. when's the joshua book coming out? i'd buy it, and keep it in my bathroom!

EndOfWorld said...

Cheerio, how are you always so cheerful?

Shliach: If you do publish, I would advise (ooo, here's where you stop listening and start humming in your head lalaLALALA) you to break down these stories into smaller increments. Too much humor to handle at once

The Real Shliach said...

Cheerio: The bathroom? Then people will develop hemorrhoids!
End of World: Break the stories down? That would be the equivalent of tearing a Monet in half so that people could focus better.