Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Airbuses aren't too comfortable

It's really nice to be home. Coming here, on the other hand, wasn't the greatest experience in the world. Shall I elaborate? Or would you rather a dense discussion on the existence of G-d and the effects of cashews on Islamic militant training centers in Alabama? I thought so. Here goes:

Islamic militant training centers in Alabama are a serious threat to people worldwide, revealed a new study by the Pew-not-so-charitable-and-in-fact-incredibly-stingy-trust-for-the-widow, the orphan, the blind, the overly-hyphenated and ambidextrous, and the itinerant singers of Oregon association for calamine lotion users of America. The study, which was commissioned following the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center in New York and the Pentagon in DC, found that one out of every ten Islamic militants in Alabama plans on blowing themselves up within the next seventy days. The timing is particularly unfortunate for those wishing to attend this year's Superbowl in Tampa, Florida, as they will have been reduced to smithereens and therefore unable to participate. Professor Thomas Van Pelt, who teaches archeology at the University of Alabama in Huntsville, said that the study was not only shocking and awing but also quite certainly not true. He said, "We've never had any issues with Islamic militants in Alabama. They go about their business quietly, and no one seems to mind the occasional rocket or suicide bomber. Sure, it can be a bit messy at times, but that's what the sanitation department is for, right?" One of the authors of the study, Jennifer Mcdowdly, a field technician for the Alabama state department of health, human, and feline services, told reporters that the Professor couldn't be more wrong. "We interviewed thousands of peanut farmers in the state, and they all said that their biggest fear, after Jimmy Carter, was of militant Islamicists coming into their towns squares and announcing that from now on, all peanuts must ear burkhas and avoid consumption of moonshine. This is a very serious issue, and we're dedicating a large percentage of this year's budget to try and solve the problem." Fourteen Israelis were found working in malls in Montgomery, and they all said that they weren't scared. One of them, Tamir Weisgarten-Ben Galiya, agreed to be interviewed. She said, "We aren't afraid. After spending three years eating food in the army, and seven months eating takeout Chinese in malls, we really could care less if one or two peanuts were denied driver's licenses and had to walk to the Jiffy's manufacturing plant. We have much bigger things to worry about, like the rising cost of dead sea mud and the invasion of invasive mussels in our ponds, lakes, rivers, and bathtubs."