TRS Enterprises

It's really a remarkable thing that the Federal government has so much money to spend on bailing out companies. It's even more remarkable that people who just a few days ago thought they were really hot shtuff are now realizing that in fact they are not such hot shtuff. All this falls in line with my new theory, that luck does not run in a circle but is actually a rhombus. I fully expect that my findings on the matter will revolutionize the way people think and feel about money, and that a growing consensus of people will come to the realization that the very best place for all their pennies is my bank account.
Obviously, I also accept that there will be some initial skepticism. "After all," people will say, "How do I make money off this, and what is a rhombus anyway?" All these questions, and much more, can be answered when you send a self-addressed stamped envelope to my address, along with four thousand dollars. You won't be receiving anything back from me, but you will have the satisfaction of a job well done, which in my books is a far, far, far better thing than the measly things you've been doing until now. So it's all for one and one for me, as we move into uncharted territories, discovering new vistas of opportunity, and finally beginning to comprehend the truth of my words.

Now I know that some of you are not content to get in on the ground floor of this offer, and would much rather secure yourselves a seat in the boardroom of TRS Enterprises. Well, don't delay, because the donuts and coffee, all certified by Hechsher Tzedek of course, are beginning to get cold! That's right, for just a ten thousand Euro initial investment, and four thousand Euros every week after, you can cast worthless votes on the TRS board, all the while enjoying delicious donuts and coffee! Additional perks include one (1) sip at the water fountain, and getting to skip to the front of the line when the class goes out to recess. If you don't eat too many donuts, then you might even be able to bring some home to your parents!

Now I know that some people are disappointed about the lack of true growth offered by TRS Enterprises. It is for these people specifically, though it's obviously open to all, that I have created a brand new position: Senior Figurehead. Whoever pays the most for this exclusive position will finally understand what it means to take all the blame without getting any of the credit, sort of like George W. Bush, but without the perks that are the White House, Air Force One, and your very own personalized set of napkins.
No folks, the titular head of TRS Enterprises will get to pump massive amounts of money into the firm in order to keep it afloat, and he or she will never see their money again. Still, I think that the honor and privilege associated with this position are well worth any hardship the applicant may encounter as they're fed to the dogs when the firm goes under. And yes, all checks may be sent payable to TRS.