Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Kiss like you mean it

Tonight I sponsored a hakhel-type event in honor of my birthday. It was cute. I chazzered the maamar hayosheves b'ganim '11, whose basic point is that we are the ones who can bring redemption. All the souls in heaven are waiting for us-in fact all the angels are waiting us. Heck, G-d himself is waiting for us. And even though we're not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, we can do it. We have to.

After those inspiring words I made a hachlata to make more paragraphs in these here posts, and said a cute story. Here it is:

This past shabbos I was by a chabad house, and I was asked to speak. Of course I agreed, and in the middle of the story i was telling I realized that it was a terrible story to tell in a chabad house. Oh well.
So anyway, chaim shaul brook, or someone like that, was on a train in Israel. With him in the car was a chiloni who was making his life miserable, complaining how frum Jews are parasites and destroying the eretz. He pointed to Chaim Shaul, engrossed in a Sefer, and said, "Look at you-there's a gorgeous land out there, and instead of looking out the window all you can do is stare at that book and mumble. R' Brook turned to him, finally, and said, "It says in the mishna 'da ma leheishiv l'apikores,' but it never tells you what you're supposed to say! You know why? Because the mishne is very polite. It means to tell you Kushen Tuchus!"
All the Lubavitchers at the table laughed uproariously, and then one of his congregants asked what the punchline meant. His answer? A powerful "Umm."
Yup, good times.

This is of course brings to mind R' Mendel Futerfas' famous line, "When someone says I'll try, they really are trying to say kushen tuchus."
Is there a better way to end a post?

139 comments:

chanie said...

That is such a...crass...coarse...disgusting phrase.
Ewww.

Cheerio said...

and like all crass, coarse, disgusting phrases, so much fun to say!

LE7 said...

Yay for paragraphs.c

Crawling Axe said...

There is a story of the first guy who was sent on shlichus to Boston, back in the day (none of the current shluchim). I’m forgetting his name now, but the story was told by Rabbi Altie Bukiet.

Anyway, the shliach barely spoke any English. Which didn’t prevent him from being a shliach. One time, the Bostoner Rebbe (whose shull is still the place to daven) asked him to be the chazan. So, the shliach went up and davened al pi nusach Arizal. Was the Bostoner Rebbe happy? Maybe not, but he didn’t say anything, because he had deep respect to this guy and to the Rebbe.

There was a man, a frum Jew, who was a professor in one of the local colleges. He came in a little late and was standing, trying to figure out what was happening. Anyway, they finished davening, and people started leaving. The shliach is standing there, taking off his Rabbeinu Tam. The professor comes to him and says: “You are a very arrogant human being.”

Now, the guy, as I said, barely spoke any English, so he must have understood only “you” and “very” in that sentence. So, he asks: “Vos redstu?” The guy repeats and explains. And again. And again. Eventually, the shliach realizes what the guy is talking about, looks at him and says: “Kushen tuchus.” (The way Rabbi Bukiet was telling it, it was said in the same tone one says, “Please…”.)

I heard this story early when I came to Boston area. Since living here for a few years, I realized its usefulness.

e said...

TRS, your birthday hachalata was to make longer posts? wtf? Does your mashpia know this?

CA: could this have been Rabbi Gurkov?

Crawling Axe said...

Yes, he.

Boruch said...

very good story. i will be using this story next time i am asked to speak!
also, what a corny hachloto, if you are gonna take on a hachloto at least let it be something worthwhile like mine, not to talk in my teffilin.

LE7 said...

I believe the hachlota was to separate his posts into paragraphs instead of one big mass.

Boruch said...

perhaps...

Crawling Axe said...

At first I read that as “not to talk to my tefillin”.

LE7 said...

Axel - Me too by the way.

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

What? That's not what it says? Oh.

One of the selling points of Lubavitch it that even if a litvishe RY said kush in tuchus nobody would tell the story over because there is no way in hell anyone would believe the apikores is learning in lakewood with 12 kids after that.

The Real Shliach said...

As I have pointed out countless times, according to Sefer minhagim, a Lubavitcher always davens lubavitch nusach lubavitch for the amud, even when the shul doesn't.

Re: hachlata: yes, it was to make paragraphs. And yes, it's only a joke hachlata.

Re: kushen tuchus: sometimes people need to hear.

Boruch said...

so what was you 'real' Hachloto?

The Real Shliach said...

That's between me and the people who are supposed to know about it.

sarabonne said...

What a great line. Now I can use it in school and no one know...

Nemo said...

What the heck is with all these Lubavitch engagements today? Is it 22 Shevat season, Valentine's Day or something else?

sarabonne said...

The Omer is coming up...people are feeling the pressure.

fakewood inc. said...

who wants to wait till after pesach to get to know your mate in the biblical sense.

The Real Shliach said...

Why are you so crass?

fakewood inc. said...

get over yourself your not a 15 year old boy in yeshiva anymore

Nemo said...

If you're so biblical, you that Isha niknes b'shlosha drachim, and you don't need to make a wedding if you want to get to know them.

The Real Shliach said...

The same halachos that applied to me then apply to me now.

fakewood inc. said...

the rabbonim assered bia thats number 1. number 2 you are getting married so im not sure what you mean.

The Real Shliach said...

In the gemarah it says something like "everyone knows why a bride goes under the chupah, but anyone who talks about it..."

Nemo said...

I said if you want to get biblical ... as in, if you want to only uphold the laws of the bible and not the rabbis. But then, I guess sfira wouldn't pose much of a problem either.

(Although, thinking it over again, the issur during Sfirah is to marry a woman, not to make a wedding, so maybe "bia" wouldn't help anything ... Tzorich iyun)

fakewood inc. said...

nemo-
the point was to be married before pesach hence the engagement now.

trs-
im going straight to hell. the only thing that scares me about hell is that i might end up sitting across from a misnaged. na they are all going to gan eden cause they collected all the brownie points for it.

The Real Shliach said...

Go learn your shulchan oruch again...for guys like us...

e said...

fakewood, why the name? are you a luby?

fakewood inc. said...

yep i am born and raised

e said...

and what's the meaning of your name? are you one of those lubavtichers whose whole identity is not being a snag?

fakewood inc. said...

no i happen to live in lakewood

e said...

what's it like there? are the snags as bad as everyone says they are?

fakewood inc. said...

worse and better. they are more snagish than you can imagine but they have an incredible chesed to them which kinda confuses me. the other rediming factor is that its becoming more like monsey because a lot of chassidim are moving here.

Crawling Axe said...

I can't find that post, so I'll ask here.

Why do you say that girls shouldn't say lechayim (or drink) bichlal? Let's say in girls-only company.

Is it just my hergesh, or is it founded on something in mesoira? Also, if she has to, use more refined drink (wine) rather than mashkeh. Source?

Nemo said...

What are you doing there?

The Real Shliach said...

CA: You asking me? Why?

Crawling Axe said...

Fakewood, ever read the Making of Chassidim? It's always been that way.

In Russia we say, "a nice guy" is not a profession.

The Real Shliach said...

I'm doomed.

Crawling Axe said...

TRS, yes. You mentioned it somewhere. LE7 and I were talking about it. You said Reb Mendel Futerfas said only four lechayims, but have to say davka four lechayims. Girls shouldn't drink bichlal.

It's my hergesh that what I said (no drink, if have to, more refined drink). More often than not, I find my hergesh based on something concrete in Yiddishkeit, albeit sometimes distorted through two generations of freikeit in the family. So, I am wondering, if this is real, or am I full of it. (Yes, I know that hergesh is not a good source. Well, unless you're Rebbe Rashab.)

Nemo said...

By my count, we're up to nine engagements today in Lubavitch.

The Real Shliach said...

CA: Yes. Say 4, only 4. Girls shouldn't be drinking, unless their name is Cheerio or Sarabonne.

Nemo: Crazy, eh? You want to join the crowd?

e said...

http://therealshliach.blogspot.com/2008/12/i-had-nice-conversation-with-friend-in.html

We didn't come to any concrete conclusions there, "aber mir gut hubn durchgeret dem inyan." (Or in English, "we spoke through the concept well." Yeah, it makes more sense in Jewish.)

Crawling Axe said...

Need to read to the end.

But I am thinking this.

Crawling Axe said...

There is a story about a chossid of one of the Rebbeim whom Chabad considers to be cool despite being non-Chabad. Either Kotzker or Ruzhiner, both of whom had telepathic abilities that they didn't conceal. Anyway, this particular Rebbe would scream at his chassidim if one of them had a machshava zara in his presence.

One chossid was once sitting in that Rebbe's presence and had such a thought. He immediately thought: "Oh, the Rebbe is going to scream at me." But then he thought: "But, der Eibeshter knows every single thought of mine, even when I am alone. So, why should I refrain having bad thoughts in front of the Rebbe but not in front of the Eibeshter?"

Der Ruzhiner looked at him and answered: "Eibeshter can take it. I can't."

Crawling Axe said...

Read till the end.

I am disappointed.

Eidelkeit by definition is hergesh. Oh well.

LE7 said...

I've never seen that many engagements in one day on Shmais.

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

I say girls should be allowed to drink, yes CA even mashke. Why not? Is there any issur? Or is it a matter of absorbing Christian mysoginy from the goyim?

e said...

my pearls of wisdom on this topic are they not written on the link which i have placed before you? (I'm getting into the megillah mood.)

The Real Shliach said...

Modeh: You want your wife drinking?

e: You leining it this year?

Crawling Axe said...

Is there any issur to poke your nose in public?

(Doesn’t Tur say something about women drinking during discussion of seider?)

The Real Shliach said...

Poke or pick?

Women are not allowed to drink when their husband are out of town.

Anonymous said...

yes i am anonymous , yes i am not lubavitch , but please hear the emes when i say that what is written on this blog past nisht for temimim. the inuendo the lack of lishna nekiya, the lack o....

The Real Shliach said...

Hmm. As you may notice, the posts themselves are naki m'chashash anything, though the comments I admit can get out of hand.

Cheerio said...

re: the engagements - did you see that ridiculous (yet endearing) article on ch.info?
mbm: yeah!

Crawling Axe said...

TRS, I used a euphemism, and you had to go and “correct” it.

Is that what Tur says in there? I thought he says that even though, as we know, women shouldn’t drink alcohol, they still should drink the cups during the seider.

The Real Shliach said...

Cheerio: since when is modeh a valid halachic source?
CA: I was just checking. And no, based on the laws surrounding the passing of wind, I don't think it's allowed.
Re: alcohol: yes, a woman can drink, when hubbie is in town and available to supervise.

Crawling Axe said...

B/c it’s disgusting to others? Out of a"y? Derech Eretz? Or chillul Hashem?

So the question remains. (Btw: what about unmarried women?) I still maintain it’s part of unspoken and unwritten mesoira passed through traditional Jewish families. Unless we say that the idea of relinquishing control and becoming loud and outwardly is not eideleh for women.

MBM — A human being is not Pavlov’s dog.

The Real Shliach said...

Yeah, it's disgusting to other people.

Yeah, that's also true.

chanie said...

Tach...you obviously are blessedly oblivious to the phenomenon of kallot who are quite unhappily surprised the night of the wedding, because they had no idea.

The Real Shliach said...

Say what?

le7 said...

Yeah, Chanie talk about coming out of left field!

(Coughyouweretheonetalkingabouttzniusexcuseme).

The Real Shliach said...

Nice. (i.e. Impressed. A lot.)

le7 said...

I can dish it out like the boys, thank you very much Mr. Shliach.

The Real Shliach said...

Does this mean honorary man-status? In a good way, of course.

Crawling Axe said...

Before I wanted to tell the Anonymous what one is supposed to tell an apikoires, but suddenly I find myself agreeing with him. At least regarding comments.

The Real Shliach said...

This is all Chanie (I'm so holy)'s fault.

Crawling Axe said...

As Russians say, “One fisherman sees another fisherman from far away”. (OK, like most things, it sounds better in Russian. Mainly because it rhymes. I think the English version is: “Birds of a feather gather together.”)

Crawling Axe said...

What’s (mildly) upsetting is that some people think women (e.g., kallos) are special. Ever read “Secret Lives of Chassidim”?

The Real Shliach said...

Excuse my ignorance, but what do you mean people think kallahs are special?
No, never read it.

Crawling Axe said...

Never mind. V’dal (I regretted making that comment anyway).

The book is stupid. But it touches on this question. Which is not the reason to read it (quite the opposite).

le7 said...

TRS - I already thought you were a man. Hah.

Axel - Please explain.

le7 said...

WAIT, do you mean "The Hidden Lives of Chassidic Rebels"?

Are you referencing the chapter about the Satmar guy where he talks about the disaster that was his uh wedding night?

Crawling Axe said...

I was referring to bochurim fainting. Or so she says.

Thanks for adding a week for my stay in hell.

The Real Shliach said...

Bochurim fainting?

le7 said...

Sorry. I'll work on my tendency to forgo tznius in favor of good conversation.

The Real Shliach said...

I'm glad to see that you're finally learning!

le7 said...

Learning to forgo or learning to not forgo?

The Real Shliach said...

You knew I would say this: "Both, I imagine."

e said...

CA: how does the fisherman thing go in Russian?

Crawling Axe said...

«Рыбак рыбака видит издалека.» [Rybák rybaká vídit izdaleká.]

e said...

Spaciba!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kiyG2q2tmI

Crawling Axe said...

Nobody speaks like that. Very exaggerated. Although my musician friend from Odessa liked it, so maybe there they do.

Crawling Axe said...

This is much more realistic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsV-UeRC_OA

chanie said...

Okay...

LE7- Was I left field? I was trying to shoot what he had written in the face, and I don't think I said it overly crassly.

le7 said...

Yeah you were, because I don't see how it's related at all.

The Real Shliach said...

Yeah, what you said made zero sense.

chanie said...

Only because I didn't quote the comment I responded to.

The Real Shliach said...

At the very least you could explain yourself now.

chanie said...

Want the quote I responded to? Here it is:
The Real Shliach said...
In the gemarah it says something like "everyone knows why a bride goes under the chupah, but anyone who talks about it..."

February 12, 2009 7:03 PM

le7 said...

That is only related by association. Like related if you have ADD. Not enough for regular conversation.

Crawling Axe said...

I think it made too much sense.

chanie said...

LE7- I think it made perfect sense.

CA- what made too much sense? My connection?

Crawling Axe said...

Your comment. Connection. Everything.

le7 said...

Oh I get it.

TRS said we shouldn't talk about why kallahs get married and Chanie made the point that in fact many kallahs are unhappily surprised when they do get married because the adults in their lives didn't live up to their adult responsibilities and failed to give these kallahs a heads-up. (Which is totally sick in my opinon). Thus negating TRS' statement.

Everyone happy?

Maybe I'll go into translation.

chanie said...

Yes, LE7, you got it. Finally.....

chanie said...

CA- Glad it was clear.

le7 said...

Oh come on. It's perfectly understandable that no one initially got it because you failed to quote the comment you were responding to. Especially since that comment was pretty far up the screen.

Total lack of decent commenter conduct.

Crawling Axe said...

Hey, a little non-sequitur never hurt anyone. In fact, it gives a conversation quite a flair. Which is why you should never park your car too far into the driveway. One day you’ll look out the window and think it’s been stolen.

chanie said...

LE7- I apologize.

CA- LOL!

le7 said...

Axel - This is true, but when you come in with a comment like THAT, you've gotta explain. Especially on a bochur's blog.

e said...

Oh, so Chanie the heretic thinks she's smarter than the Gemara?

chanie said...

Chanie isn't a heretic, and doesn't think she's smarter than the Gemara. She just thinks that it shouldn't have been said, and is thus contradicting TRS.

e said...

Toras Emes says that everyone knows why a kallah goes under the chuppah. Who are you to say, "Nuh-uh. Some don't"?

You're probably one of those weak-of-faith antis.

The Real Shliach said...

Chanie doesn't know enough to be a heretic. And I disagree with you. There's a time and a place for everything. At a wedding we don't discuss what will be going on in the bridal suite. At kallah classes we do.

le7 said...

Well hopefully you don't.

le7 said...

Bad joke.

This turned messy. Yes thanks to Chanie. Uch.

e said...

This is why in Chassidut we don't get all worked up about sins like they do in Mussar. If you discuss how horrible sin is, you end up discussing sin.

Sayeth the Alter Rebbe, "One who wrestles with a disgusting person becomes disgusting also."

le7 said...

Yeah, well I feel pretty dirty.

Crawling Axe said...

Like that joke that Rabbi Uminer from Denver told about a chossid rescuing a woman who fell overboard.

le7 said...

Hey you just posted that one on your blog no?

Crawling Axe said...

No, I posted it on Frum Satire.

The context of the joke telling was also interesting. One chossid started making fun of those people. The other chossid started making fun of the first chossid’s cuff links worn a few weeks before. So the first chossid told the joke and said, “I wore the cuff links, and you’re still thinking about them.”

le7 said...

Cute.

The Real Shliach said...

LE7: au contraire, that was a good joke.

le7 said...

That means you got it? Excellent.

chanie said...

e- Perhaps everybody knows, but lav davka does the kallah.

I don't believe myself to be a dirty person, but I probably shouldn't be dirtying myself with this blog.

TRS- Thanks for the compliment. I hope you don't discuss it in your kallah classes.

LE7- Horrible joke. I'm sorry it turned messy- that's why I didn't quote what I was responding to.

The Real Shliach said...

Would I call it good if I didn't get it?

The Real Shliach said...

Chanie, what she doesn't know can't hurt her.
Ouch. This is a dirty blog?
Kallah classes should be a lot of fun.

le7 said...

TRS - No. NO no no no. Crying kallahs or whatever are never a good thing.

Crawling Axe said...

And fainting bochurim and a good thing?

le7 said...

Also not a good thing.

The Real Shliach said...

le7: true that. My bad.
CA: what the heck are you talking about?

chanie said...

TRS- She should know by the time she gets married, otherwise it can seriously hurt her.

You don't always post the most appropriate stuff. Tell your mashpia I said that and ask him why I did. Glad I got something through though...

Perhaps they are, perhaps not. But I hope you don't attend them.

e said...

scruples, scruples... (vd"l)

chanie said...

That you lack, obviously.

e said...

Now I'm insulted.

chanie said...

Good, keep it that way.

e said...

wtf? Is this an example of how a scrupulous person acts?

chanie said...

Nice language. Did I say I was scrupulous?

It's an example of how a sharp-tongued person replies to stupidities.

e said...

Well, you may not be scrupulous, but you're certainly a vindictive young lady.

chanie said...

Thank you for the compliment.

Actually, that's not the issue. The issue is more that I'd rather not tolerate any shtus.

e said...

Kindly restrict thy fundamentalism to thy own blog.

e said...

Compliment? Do you strive to increase your vindictiveness every night when you say krias shma?

The Real Shliach said...

Chanie: You need help.

chanie said...

e- No, I don't. And no, I won't.

TRS- Thanks. Coming from someone like you, that's a huge compliment.

The Real Shliach said...

regarding e: You don't? Really? Cause it sure seems like you do.

regarding moi: Always glad to provide.

chanie said...

Regarding e- So be it. But you're reading me wrong. Which, of course, is no surprise, really.

Regarding you- thanks.

The Real Shliach said...

regarding e: whatever

regarding moi: no problem

chanie said...

Good. Regarding both.