The Chinese take the cake

Today I agreed to write the catalog for an unnamed Chinese Auction. You think it’s easy. Let me tell you, it’s not easy. To write a description of sixty items, when half the time the description I was given is pathetic, is like trying to build a bridge over the River Kwai with some chopsticks and half-drunk Texans swearing every time another toe is cut off. In fact, it’s even worse, because there are no half-drunk Texans, just sober ones with long machetes carved our of elephant ivory, smuggled into the country in Poilisher’s long Peyos. Anyway, the work went OK for the first twenty items or so, but then my natural sarcasm boiled up, and here are some of the gems that my fertile brain managed to uncover from the dark recesses that make up the labyrinth that is the Real Shliach.
Here’s one:
Are you paranoid about living in Crown Heights, with the recent rise in home invasions, robberies, murders, etc? Well no fear, because soon you’ll be the owner of either a 4 channel DVR with 2 cameras and monitor installed, or 3 inside and 2 outside intercoms installed. Now you’ll have someone to blame when you’re beaten by some Puerto Rican who came in to steal your TV.

And another:
Your child’s first Bris, first smile, first step, first Aliyah, first marriage, first divorce, first burial, all saved on this video camera with state of the art Mini DV capabilities.

And one more:
Is there a man in your life who looks like he just walked out of a Concentration Camp? Dress him for success with a Ben Barber shirt, tie, and cufflinks, as well as a pair shoes by Skoblo, a pair of glasses by a glasses store, and he can even pray with his new Tallis from ___.

The sarcasm keeps on rolling…
Music has never sounded better, with a tall stereo from Sharper Image. This is so tall, it dwarfs even the Empire State Building. But don’t worry, it sounds great. So will the IRS man explaining your new tax bracket.

And more…
Have you ever tried to run after your screaming toddlers while trying to talk on an old cord phone? No more, because with these new and improved, and really thin, cordless phones, you’ll be able to smack your kids and talk to your therapist, all at the same time!

My, you are lucky. Here’s some more:
Your daughter will enjoy time spent with her brand new American Baby Doll, as she tells it her inner secrets. You’ll enjoy the time she spends with it, because it’ll enable you to do some important things, like chat with your therapist about your son’s inexplicable attachment to your daughter’s new American Baby Doll.

Are you excited yet? I thought so. I sure hope you enjoyed this as much as I did. Cheers.