Laments

One of the greatest pleasures that people have is receiving emails. There are few things that can compare with opening up your inbox and finding a bunch of people waiting to correspond with you. Of course, as you have probably figured out, I didn't get any emails tonight. How is it possible that a whole day should go by and not one human being should find it necessary to communicate electronically with me? This situation must be remedied. Here's some emails I'd like to get in the next couple of days...

Subject: You win our prize! Click here to claim
Dear Real Shliach, we have exciting news. You've just been selected as the eighteenth winner of the Doris Danforth Memorial Shliach Prize. We know how excited you are, and can't wait to give you a beautiful hand-carved wooden chicken in appreciation of all you've done for Shlichus in the last year. Please send a SASE to our national headquarters to claim your award.

Subject: Does your back hurt?
Dear Real Shliach. How are you? Does your back hurt from doing three Hagbahs, on heavy Sefer Torahs, in the last day? Do you wish that someone else had volunteered for the pain, agony, and other sorts of things that sometimes happen? Well friend, here is your chance to remedy the situation. Just send a SASE to someone else's national headquarters, and by the time you get a reply, your back pain will be gone! If it's not, don't worry, there'll be a full discount.

Subject: Is this not so funny?
Dear Real Shliach, what is up? Is your writing not as funny as you would like it to be? Are you disappointed that the spirit of Dave Barry is not currently hovering above you? Well, please do not fear, because we have the perfect plan for you. Just sell your soul for the low, low price of one million dollars to the comic god, and he'll make sure that everything you write from now on is brilliantly hilarious.