Sunday, May 31, 2009

A Bummel in the Park

The first day of Shavuos I had friends coming up to me and saying (after the obligatory cheek-kiss thing [so awkward with a beard] of course), "Mazel Tov! When's the lchaim?!" How disappointed (relieved?) they were when I informed them that in fact the lchaim had taken place. Oh well.

That afternoon I went on tahalucha to Borough Park. I didn't intend to go to Borough Park. I was going to go with a couple of friends to some Russian shul in Flatbush, because it was officially the closest place to go. Why would I want to go to somewhere near? Very simple. I had promised my kallah to be back by 10:00, I figured that the less I walked there the less I'd have to walk back. Brilliant, no?

So there I was, on my way to Flatbush, and I lost my friends. No big deal, right? I'll just head somewhere else in Flatbush? Pity that a few minutes later I was in Borough Park. An hour and twenty minutes after leaving Crown Heights we arrived at our destination. Not only were there only two people there, but I didn't even know any of the Lubavitchers I had walked with. After waiting there for fifteen minutes I figured that nothing was happening, so I walked to a nearby Lubavitch Shul and settled down for a very interesting speech by Dayan Raskin. Unfortunately I nodded asleep a couple times, but I'm sure it all made sense.

All this time I was trying to figure out what I should do. I figured that if I walked alone I could cut down about fifteen minutes off the walk. Only problem was, if I left before maariv then I would have to daven in Crown Heights, which would probably necessitate my going up to 770, another seven or eight minutes. I could skip shul and go straight to the person I was eating by (thus ditching my kallah for the walk), but then of course I'd have to daven in an apartment in front of a bunch of people. At 9:00 I had to use the men's, and once I finished there I thought to make a jump for freedom.

Was this a smart move? No. According to my calculations I was too late to make it to 770 to daven. I was also going to miss my kallah rendezvous, and I'd also missed Maariv in Borough Park. Besides, what had I accomplished on tahalucha? Sure, I walked there, but I didn't say anything, didn't even daven, and didn't even say goodbye to the shliach who had looked really happy to see me. Oh well. Maybe he'll read this post and understand the weird behavior of the bochur who didn't want a drink.

Anyways... after walking about three blocks my ankles started to kill me, a combination of power-walking and having sat for the previous half hour or so. It slowed me down considerably, and I began to worry that it would take me even more than the way there.

I began to pass landmarks I remembered, and began to look for the time. I could have asked any of the innumerable cops patrolling the streets, but I'm a guy. Instead I looked in vain for some sort of display. There were none to be seen. After successfully navigating my way out of Borough Park and through Kensington I kept a sharp lookout for Coney Island Avenue. I must have missed it, because a wee bit later there I began to see things I hadn't remembered passing. I figured that I had been spaced out before, or concentrating on the conversation about pedophiles, or something, but when I came upon a large subway stop I knew something was wrong. There's no way I'd miss a subway stop.

At this point I rapidly considered my options. I could retrace my steps, but this would waste precious time, and anyway, as I might have mentioned before, I'm a guy. Instead I followed my gut and made a left, figuring I'd come upon Prospect Park at some point. There followed several hairy blocks (hachlotos et all), but finally that blessed preserve of nature appeared, and I breathed easy again.

On one of the benches outside the park was sleeping a homeless man who had been sitting there on the way out. I thought, "Wow, that's a really sad life. Sitting on a bench all day, and then sleeping on it come night. What's the point?"

After passing several groups of Lubavitchers Empire Shteibel came into sight. I figured it would be about 10:05. Imagine my joy when I discovered that it was only 9:50! I decided to go up to 770 and plead with my kallah to wait for me while I davened maariv. When I got to the dreidel her friends told me she'd be right back, so I pleaded with them and went into daven, figuring it was 10:00. Once again I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was only 9:56, and I proceeded to pray to my creator. Not as well as I should have, undoubtedly, because I was back outside at 10:01, but hey, I said every word and even answered a barchu!

And then we went to EOW's and had some super-yummy shnitzel. Thanks EOW! And that was a slice of my shavuos. I hope you enjoyed it. Next time, remember to order it with toppings.

33 comments:

C said...

Wow! What a day!!

sarabonne said...

wow, a 5 minute maariv.

Altie said...

amazing story. Tell us more.

The Real Shliach said...

C: twas.

Sara: embarrassing, eh? But all for a good cause...

Altie: What more do you want to know?

Altie said...

sarcasm, my friend. thats all it was.

The Real Shliach said...

Ahh.

C said...

Altie, this is why we have ;-/. Very important is such situations.

Oh, and you missed a couple "aaawwwwwwwwwwwwwww"s on Wednesday... :)

Altie said...

C- I know of the sarcastic symbol, I just choose not to use it.

U mean the lechaim? Too bad I couldn't be there, but I am in Israel. Plus, I don't know the kalla, or the chosson for that matter. I don't consider blogsphere as 'knowing' someone.

But ya, I'm sure I missed a lot.

Anonymous said...

mazal tov chanan!!!!!!!!!!!
gezha.com

le7 said...

How many times did you say "my kallah"? Anyways, she has a name.

The Real Shliach said...

Anon: Ask me about the Sussonkins...

le7: I want to get her used to being called a kallah.

le7 said...

You mean like my Sossonkins?

The Real Shliach said...

Bingo!

EndOfWorld said...

you looked pretty calm for someone who had such hairy adventures. why no mention of all of this at the meal? it would have made for an interesting conversation

The Real Shliach said...

No one asked.

le7 said...

Woops...

The Real Shliach said...

That's ok.

EndOfWorld said...

well, we noticed you guys were super late, but we were too polite to point it out.
btw, do we get a happy anniversary congratulation mention?

le7 said...

Sorry about that...

The Real Shliach said...

Oh right, I remember discussing this. Happy anniversary!

e said...

What's the story with the sassunkins? i'm related to some of them, y'know.

Modeh B'Miktsas said...

Nice tahalucha. If you went to my shul it would have been interesting.

le7 said...

My great-grandfather changed his last name from Sossonkin to Silverstein.

The Real Shliach said...

Modeh: Where is your shul?

e: That's right, I'm marrying better gezheh than you!

e said...

(Snort)

e said...

trs, i like the new profile picture. le7, if you want to be very kallah-like, change your facebook pic to joint picture.

The Real Shliach said...

e: Pity I changed it back already...

Leo de Toot said...

Dear Mr. R.S.
I applaud your obscure, but relatively apt, literary reference in the title. Next, you and two others in a boat (with dog)... As always, L d T.

Cheerio said...

are you used to being called a chosson yet?

The Real Shliach said...

LdT: Finally, someone got it!

Cheerio: Not at all.

e said...

Hey Chosson, I still haven't got it.

e said...

((Notice I used "got" instead of "gotten" for our non-American brethren.))

The Real Shliach said...

e: ever heard of google?