Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Dating Guest Post #2: Deal with it.

Once again, another guest post about dating do we have. And once again, the same rules apply as last time. As the title says, deal with it. By the by, today we started chazarah on Basar B'challav. Basically, we learned for two months, and now we have two weeks to go over it. Three times. Today I went over 87, 88, 89, 90. To put that in perspective, it took me three weeks to do that the first time 'round. And incredibly enough, I learned it better now than the first time. Obviously, without the toiling the first time over I'd have nothing to show after the second. Also, I'd like to express my gratitude to the two wonderful people who wrote posts for tonight and tomorrow night. They saved me about six hours (I kid you not) that I can now use to learn/sleep. And yeah, at this point, with me getting an average of five hours a night, that can't be a bad thing.
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We always hear that our zivug is our other half. The part of our Neshomah that is vested in another being that makes us incomplete.

Thus, as we walk the aisles of Target (or fill in any other store...), and hear songs with lyrics like "I need you... without you I'm half existing... with you I'm everything, without you I'm nothing..." etc. etc. (okay, my re-rendition is not so romantic...) we might not realize how very wrong and emotionally unhealthy these words are.

If someone is going into a marriage, they cannot be "half a person". If a person seriously believes that another person can cover up and replace their faults and deficiencies, then they have a lot to work on.

In order to marry someone, you need to be a wholesome person. You need to have self-esteem, be happy in an autonomous state, and understand your faults-yet work on them.

Very few of us are realistically perfect, so no one is meant to be a completely perfect person before marriage. If that were the case, people could never marry! To be a wholesome person you need to be emotionally and psychologically balanced. If you think that your issues will disappear with marriage then you need to take a look at what's really missing in your life. If it's something that's from within, it will forever haunt you until you deal with it. Marriage is not a cure all or remedy. It is the opportunity to create, build, and grow with another, but you first need a stable and concrete foundation to begin with!

So what exactly is the mathematical equation of marriage?

Is it that 1/2+1/2=1? That two half people create a whole person??? No, because as said above, you're not supposed to be half a person before marriage, you should be wholesome.

In which case, is it that 1+1=2?
Yet again, wrong answer.

A marriage is a union between to distinctly opposite individuals who come together and create an everlasting edifice. If a couple marries, and does not learn to integrate themselves as a unit, as a family, then they've missed the point of marriage. It is just two people with two separate identities playing house.

This is where the "half neshoma" comes in.

The correct equation for marriage is as follows:

1+1=1 (bet you didn't learn that in math class did you?!?)

Basically, as said above, you need to be a person who is stable and secure in order to marry. Yet, once a marriage comes into fruition, it is two different people, with different backgrounds, tastes, opinions, and wants coming together to form one entity. One neshoma package.

A marriage is when someone is willing to gain, grow, inspire, give, concede, compromise, and learn from another individual. In a healthy marriage, a person should never lose their identity, rather the two should build together. They are each a team player that is dependent on the other to "win the goal", yet must be an all-star in their own right.


Dating Tip of the Week:

1. If you're on a first date, let the person get to know you before you bring in politics and religion. Seriously. Let the person begin to like you before they judge you on your view points. For instance, on a first date, do not ask, "Do you strive to be a Beinioni?" It won't necessarily play out well.

2. If you just don't "feel it" after the first date, that's not a concrete reason to not see each other again. Unless you have a valid reason, don't terminate the shidduch. After a few dates, and you still feel something is amiss, then listen to your instincts, and your mashpia.

3. Don't even think about dating without having a mashpia to guide you through it. You'll just confuse yourself otherwise. If you talk to your mother, sister, friends, etc. you'll get 100 opinions, but no concrete advice. The Rebbe has said, that via a Mashpia, his advice will come to you.


Here are some words of the Rebbe from Eternal Joy, although such a topic can hinge on "mushy" (l'havdil), these are words of the Rebbe, so they are measured and exact.


When The Head Says "Yes" And The Heart Says "No"

... You write that "the head says that there can be no better, but the heart says no." You do not write, however, why the heart says "no."

In practical terms: Generally with regard to a shidduch, the feelings of one's heart are more than of secondary importance. Therefore, one must have at least a beginning of feeling for this matter [i.e., a feeling for one's potential mate], or at least conjecture that this feeling will eventually come about.

If, however, even this is lacking and the heart says "no," then one should give due consideration to this [absence of feeling].


(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XVI, p. 306)

May we only hear of simchas!!!

Questions, Comments, and Critical Feedback are all, as always welcome.

77 comments:

LE7 said...

I really don't like your math.

Are you intentionally using faulty math to show that marriage isn't logical?

Farbrengen said...

BS"D
TRS, thank you, and I'm glad that this helps you get sleep and thus learn etc.

LE7- Marriage is beyond logic...

LE7 said...

That's what I meant. Cool.

The Real Shliach said...

Fab Gal: no, thank you.

e said...

To make this model work better with standard mathematics, we can rewrite the successful-marriage formula as 1x + 1x = 1y, where x = person and y = couple. This equation tells us that a real couple is not only 2x, rather it is a new entity.

For more information, see www.chabad.org/45208

LE7 said...

How does that work then? Ex. {x=2|y=4}

Maybe I messed up my set form but still, two men and two women does not equal four couples.

EndOfWorld said...

you mean, 6 hours that you'll now use to comment on other blogs...

e said...

LE7,

Got me there. I really have not idea what those symbols mean.

LE7 said...

Also your equation is really just 2x=y.

What I was saying, if you don't have a limit on what integers can be inserted into your equation, so lets say x=2, so two men and two women, then y=4, aka 4 couples! That is called swinging my friend! And that is immoral!

LE7 said...

Maybe it should be x+y=z

LE7 said...

Or not. Forget it.

The Real Shliach said...

End of world: have you no faith in me?
e: I'm impressed that you admitted that you have no clue so quickly in the process. Usually it takes several hours.
Elisheva: how can mere numbers be immoral?

e said...

the equation [1(half-dollar) + 1(half-dollar) = 1(dollar)] is correct. Combining like terms and replacing (half-dollar)with x and (dollar) with y, we get 2x=y.

Now I let x=2, I find that 2 half-dollars give me four dollars!

So not only is my marriage mathematics off, I can't even count coins!

LE7 said...

When two men plus two women equals four couples.... How is that not immoral?

e said...

the answer to this is that y and x are not variables. They are constants. x = a man or a woman, and y = a couple. y is not a function of x. the coefficient of y is a function of the coefficient of x.

The Real Shliach said...

Oh, we're talking about real people? I thought this was merely an intellectual excercise designed to showcase two of the top university students in the country.

e said...

farby, is this related enough to the content of the post?

LE7 said...

Okay fine. If they're constants than I guess it makes sense. Usually letters denote variables and constants are numbers, but maybe I think this only because I haven't taken calculus yet.

e said...

In calculus letters don't stand for constants any more than in other fields of mathematics (I think). The reason you got confused in because x and y are not stam letters. They are almost always variables and and y is almost always a function of x. If I would have used the greek letter which begins the greek word for person and the greek letter which begins the word for couple, I think I all would have worked out.

Farbrengen said...

BS"D
e- When I say things seriously, people don't really take me seriously!
I'm glad that you and LE7 are attempting to make marriage mathematically configure... I didn't know that such a concept even exisited!

LE7 said...

Possibly, maybe just even alpha and beta would do.

LE7 said...

But then again I might think you're talking about angles then!

Nemo said...

I have nothing nice to say.

e said...

Nemo, apparently you don't know the first rule of TRS: if you have anything not nice to say, say it emphatically and repeatedly.

LE7 said...

Yeah since when has that stopped you?

Crawling Axe said...

As an older chossid said during a farbrengen to a younger chossid, who sat there dissecting a story, “It was just a moshol!”

Crawling Axe said...

As to marriage — a proper marriage defies the logic.

The Real Shliach said...

Yeah nemo, you getting soft there in California?
Crawling axe: so you're saying there's no rules for a successful marriage, it's all just luck?

EndOfWorld said...

wow, amazing how you all missed the big picture.

I'm not sure what it is myself, but I'm pretty sure it had nothing to do with calculus

The Real Shliach said...

The many commenters on this blog, though diverse and slightly skewed in nature, do share one common goal: completely and utterly miss the point.

Farbrengen said...

BS"D
So, I suppose it is pointless for me to continue with this then aye?

LE7 said...

No continue, it's fun to miss the point.

The Real Shliach said...

My father called me up today and said that he loved the quote from the Rebbe that you brought at the end; for that reason alone you should continue.

Farbrengen said...

BS"D
Le7, i'm glad this gives you comic relief... Ever try reading the comics in the newspaper? They're a lot more colorful ;)
TRS- I'm happy to hear that Tatty TRS enjoyed, but if the Rebbe's words are really what people want to hear, then we can just post up quotes from "Eternal Joy". Would that be better?

The Real Shliach said...

No, that would be plagairism, and my father, an intellectual property attorney (among his many other attributes) would not approve.

The Real Shliach said...

Besides, how will I get smicha if you don't write for me?

Farbrengen said...

BS"D
It's not plagairism if you quote your sources.
Problem solved no?

It would be interesting to analyze why you feel compelled to write a post everyday... But i won't bother, causes too much trouble.

The Real Shliach said...

If I copy an entire book, quoting everything, it's not plagairism?

Why do I post every day? Because I want to.

Farbrengen said...

BS"D
Well, we don't have o copy the entire book.... :)

Your audience (okay at least me) appreciate your daily posts.

The Real Shliach said...

Well, we'll work something out.

I'm glad to hear it.

Farbrengen said...

BS"D
So, how will we work this out? Should I just write a dating tip and a Rebbe quote?

The Real Shliach said...

Whatever makes you happy. The longer the better.

Farbrengen said...

BS"D
What's the point of a long post if no one wants to read it?

The Real Shliach said...

I do.

Farbrengen said...

BS"D
I feel appreciated.
Thanks.

The Real Shliach said...

That's what we do here at TRS, empower people, one compliment at a time.

Farbrengen said...

BS"D
A very shlichusish aproach...

The Real Shliach said...

I am, after all, TRS.

Farbrengen said...

BS'D
I so knew that you were going to say that, that I almost said it. But then I realized how corny it would be, so I left it for you...

The Real Shliach said...

What are you trying to imply here exactly? BTW, I hope you appreciate all the hard work I'm doing on the labeling here, because it's a major pain, and you're the type to go and read all the chassidus/farbrengen posts. Because they're worth it.

Farbrengen said...

BS"D
I'm not implying anything. Read into what you want.
I actually don't read lables. I read headings and the actual piece of writing. I read all the posts, some I skim over, and some I actually get into and read.

The Real Shliach said...

I refer to the old posts. If you notice on the left, a little way's down, there's now a handy guide to my past excellence in broadcasting.

Farbrengen said...

BS"D
For some reason, I have an issue with reading old posts... I just don't. It's a weird mental block.

The Real Shliach said...

Oh. Ok. All that hard work to waste, eh?

Farbrengen said...

BS"D
If you want, I can psychologically analyze myself and explain why. But, my online self is really boring, so I'll spare you the pain.

I might use it one day when I'm stuck with my computer, and Chabad.org isn't working, and I'm not near Seforim...

The Real Shliach said...

Aderabe.

I'm far superior to either of those. I'm funny.

Farbrengen said...

BS"D
Yes you are, (no isinuations please)but when I want Torah Uncensored I've got to hit other sources first.

The Real Shliach said...

At least Farbrengens I've got covered better than anyone else...trust me on this one.

Farbrengen said...

BS"D
This i believe.

The Real Shliach said...

So go check 'em out. One of the reasons this is taking me so long is because I read a lot of my old shtuff and it's so good...

Farbrengen said...

BS"D
What's taking you so long? To lable everything?
Do me a favor, and mark the top 5 ever, and I will make an effort to look at them k?

The Real Shliach said...

Yes, it is a pain. If you've never worked with blogger than you wouldn't get it.

That's like choosing your favorite kid. It can't be done.

Farbrengen said...

BS"D
I like the analogy. I'll let you get away with reasoning of that sort. Nice. (i'm scared to give u compliments now...)

The Real Shliach said...

Be afraid, be very afraid.

Farbrengen said...

BS"D
So rude comments only? I like being minimally annoying on occasion (ex; responding to rhetorical Q's), but being rude isn't my speed. So in your case, if i have nothing rude to say, I shouldnt' say anything at all? Should I delete all above compliments?

The Real Shliach said...

No delete!

The Real Shliach said...

Fine, I'll take compliments, and not read anything into them. OK?

Farbrengen said...

BS"D
I don't know if i should trust you on that. If a person's mind is inclined to a particular mind set, it can take years, literally, to alter some things.
I wouldn't c'v want to put a stumbling block before you each time I was characteristcally giving a compliment.

The Real Shliach said...

You have to help me here, teach me the proper way. I know that with your help I can do it.

Farbrengen said...

BS'D
We still don't have an article writing alternative...

The Real Shliach said...

Just do what you have been doing so well until now.

Farbrengen said...

BS"D
Back to square one- it hasn't been so well until now though!!!

The Real Shliach said...

Yagaati v'lo matzasi...

Farbrengen said...

BS"D
U mean u haven't found one that wasn't well or that i'm saying i can't do better??

The Real Shliach said...

I'm saying that if you think that you've tried and not found success, then obviously you haven't tried hard enough.

chanie said...

And when the heart says 'yes', and the head says 'no', every time you're not with the person?

The Real Shliach said...

Ask your mashpia.