Dating Guest Post #2: Deal with it.

Once again, another guest post about dating do we have. And once again, the same rules apply as last time. As the title says, deal with it. By the by, today we started chazarah on Basar B'challav. Basically, we learned for two months, and now we have two weeks to go over it. Three times. Today I went over 87, 88, 89, 90. To put that in perspective, it took me three weeks to do that the first time 'round. And incredibly enough, I learned it better now than the first time. Obviously, without the toiling the first time over I'd have nothing to show after the second. Also, I'd like to express my gratitude to the two wonderful people who wrote posts for tonight and tomorrow night. They saved me about six hours (I kid you not) that I can now use to learn/sleep. And yeah, at this point, with me getting an average of five hours a night, that can't be a bad thing.
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We always hear that our zivug is our other half. The part of our Neshomah that is vested in another being that makes us incomplete.

Thus, as we walk the aisles of Target (or fill in any other store...), and hear songs with lyrics like "I need you... without you I'm half existing... with you I'm everything, without you I'm nothing..." etc. etc. (okay, my re-rendition is not so romantic...) we might not realize how very wrong and emotionally unhealthy these words are.

If someone is going into a marriage, they cannot be "half a person". If a person seriously believes that another person can cover up and replace their faults and deficiencies, then they have a lot to work on.

In order to marry someone, you need to be a wholesome person. You need to have self-esteem, be happy in an autonomous state, and understand your faults-yet work on them.

Very few of us are realistically perfect, so no one is meant to be a completely perfect person before marriage. If that were the case, people could never marry! To be a wholesome person you need to be emotionally and psychologically balanced. If you think that your issues will disappear with marriage then you need to take a look at what's really missing in your life. If it's something that's from within, it will forever haunt you until you deal with it. Marriage is not a cure all or remedy. It is the opportunity to create, build, and grow with another, but you first need a stable and concrete foundation to begin with!

So what exactly is the mathematical equation of marriage?

Is it that 1/2+1/2=1? That two half people create a whole person??? No, because as said above, you're not supposed to be half a person before marriage, you should be wholesome.

In which case, is it that 1+1=2?
Yet again, wrong answer.

A marriage is a union between to distinctly opposite individuals who come together and create an everlasting edifice. If a couple marries, and does not learn to integrate themselves as a unit, as a family, then they've missed the point of marriage. It is just two people with two separate identities playing house.

This is where the "half neshoma" comes in.

The correct equation for marriage is as follows:

1+1=1 (bet you didn't learn that in math class did you?!?)

Basically, as said above, you need to be a person who is stable and secure in order to marry. Yet, once a marriage comes into fruition, it is two different people, with different backgrounds, tastes, opinions, and wants coming together to form one entity. One neshoma package.

A marriage is when someone is willing to gain, grow, inspire, give, concede, compromise, and learn from another individual. In a healthy marriage, a person should never lose their identity, rather the two should build together. They are each a team player that is dependent on the other to "win the goal", yet must be an all-star in their own right.


Dating Tip of the Week:

1. If you're on a first date, let the person get to know you before you bring in politics and religion. Seriously. Let the person begin to like you before they judge you on your view points. For instance, on a first date, do not ask, "Do you strive to be a Beinioni?" It won't necessarily play out well.

2. If you just don't "feel it" after the first date, that's not a concrete reason to not see each other again. Unless you have a valid reason, don't terminate the shidduch. After a few dates, and you still feel something is amiss, then listen to your instincts, and your mashpia.

3. Don't even think about dating without having a mashpia to guide you through it. You'll just confuse yourself otherwise. If you talk to your mother, sister, friends, etc. you'll get 100 opinions, but no concrete advice. The Rebbe has said, that via a Mashpia, his advice will come to you.


Here are some words of the Rebbe from Eternal Joy, although such a topic can hinge on "mushy" (l'havdil), these are words of the Rebbe, so they are measured and exact.


When The Head Says "Yes" And The Heart Says "No"

... You write that "the head says that there can be no better, but the heart says no." You do not write, however, why the heart says "no."

In practical terms: Generally with regard to a shidduch, the feelings of one's heart are more than of secondary importance. Therefore, one must have at least a beginning of feeling for this matter [i.e., a feeling for one's potential mate], or at least conjecture that this feeling will eventually come about.

If, however, even this is lacking and the heart says "no," then one should give due consideration to this [absence of feeling].


(Igros Kodesh, Vol. XVI, p. 306)

May we only hear of simchas!!!

Questions, Comments, and Critical Feedback are all, as always welcome.